


Meant to Be

by puns_and_fics



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, a shitton of misunderstandings, but i love them anyway, john and alex are shite friends, laf and herc are GOOD FRIENDS, not knowing how to deal with emotions, this is hella angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-11-03 03:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 83,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10958442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puns_and_fics/pseuds/puns_and_fics
Summary: Alexander Hamilton has always had a bad lot in life, but his soulmate 'T' has always helped him through it. However, when he finds out who his soulmate truly is, he wonders whether they're truly meant to be.





	1. Found

Every person, regardless of sex, gender, ethnicity, nationality, or sexuality, had a soulmate. Everything one wrote on their skin, every stain they made, any blood they spilt… it would appear on their soulmate. Their other half.

There were rules, of course. Everyone knew the rules;

_Until one meets their soulmate, one:_

  1. _cannot write names; only initials._
  2. _cannot write cities or phone numbers, or describe one’s appearance through words or pictures._



_Only self-manifested marks will appear (one’s own blood or ink)._  
_One should consult with their soulmate before applying makeup or choosing tattoos._  
_Only that which marks (rather than disrupts) the surface of the skin will appear on one’s soulmate (i.e. tattoos, blood, pen markings will appear; bruises, burns, or scars will not)._

Many children believed themselves to be above such restrictions; taking it upon themselves to circumvent the rules.

For most attempts, the result would be a painful burning sensation before the marks disappeared. Some people managed to be clever enough to outwit the system by using slang or other forms of communication. At one point, a pair of soulmates found each other using a reinvented form of Morse code.

Those who found a way around the system rarely shared their successes, however, as it seemed unique to them; a love that denied the rules of love.

In fact, many people kept their stories to themselves. How one found their soulmate was a journey that was all their own. The way the universe had pushed them together despite all odds. It was the stuff of romance novels and fiction; Romeo and Juliet’s tragic story of not being able to write the plan in time; Rose being engaged for money but finding an unlikely soulmate in the poor working boy Jack aboard the decks of the Titanic…

It was what everyone dreamed about.

The first time Alexander Hamilton had ever spoken to his soulmate, he was seven years old. He sat on the beautiful shores of Nevis, gazing up at the night sky. As he looked at the stars, he felt a restlessness he had never felt before; a need to speak to his soulmate. He, as most children would, consulted his mother about this feeling. With a knowing smile, she had given him a pen.

For almost half an hour he sat on the beach, trying to come up with the perfect words to begin his love story; his soulmate journey. He thought about a casual “Hey” or maybe even “What’s up?” but he wanted it to mean more.

“Mom, what should I say to them?” he’d asked, looking up at his mother with wide eyes.

“Don’t think, love,” she said soothingly. “ _Juste écris._ ”

With a deep breath, Alex placed his pen on his pale arm and let words tumble out onto his skin.

_The stars shine bright,_

_Here it’s night,_

_I thought talking to you today felt right._

As soon as they were on his arm, he wished he could take his words back. His whole face glowed pink in the moonlight as he waited for a response.

After an agonizing minute, his soulmate had written back, _That was a terrible poem. But thank you. It feels right to me too._

They’d talked every day from then on, swapping stories, drawing pictures, writing poems... Over the years, Alex had learned to love this nameless, faceless person. Their name began with a T, they loved to draw, they lived in the US (this was discovered through a series of loopholes), and they knew more about Alex than anyone but his mother ever had.

Throughout his life, Alex struggled with mental health issues; battling anxiety from a very young age. None but his mother and T could console him. When Alex was nine, he’d had a panic attack stronger than any he’d had before, and, barely able to hold his pen, he could only scrawl “SOS” on his arm. T quickly calmed him down by drawing doodles and writing encouraging words. From that point on, it became a signal between them. Whenever Alex began to panic, he would write SOS on his arm, and T would respond immediately. Their drawings always worked.

When Alex was twelve, he suffered a tragedy that would scar him forever. His mother was taken by a horrible fever, and he was left utterly alone. The only person left in the world to care for him was his mother’s old pen-pal from her school days; a humbled and kind public defense lawyer named George Washington. Alexander, heartbroken and homesick, made the long journey to New York, leaving behind all he’d ever known.

Needing his soulmate more than ever, Alex told T that he was leaving his home (which T knew to be in the Caribbean) and coming to America. There was only one thing that brought Alex from his deep despair. He knew this had happened for a reason. Knew that this would bring him closer to finding T. That the universe had a plan for them.

It was only a matter of time.

* * *

 

“Hamilton!” Jefferson called from across the yard. Alex’s head snapped up, and, with a slight panic, saw the tall boy striding toward him. Alexander possessively rolled his sleeves down over the writing on his arms as he prepared himself for what would no doubt turn into an altercation. At one point, he’d wanted to be Jefferson’s friend. Had thought that he’d seemed nice. But he’d turned out to be a guarded and angry person, lashing out at Alex and his friends any chance he got.

“Oh, Jesus,” Hercules breathed, watching Jefferson approach with the same apprehensive inclinations as Alexander. Under the table, his hand found his soulmate Lafayette’s, and he squeezed it reassuringly.

“What do you want?” Alexander asked defiantly as Jefferson arrived at their table.

“Play nicely, Hamilton,” Thomas said with a taunting tut. “I just wanted to know if you were prepared for debate club tonight?”

“You should worry about yourself, Jefferson,” Alex replied, glancing away in apparent disinterest, some of his anxiety ebbing. Perhaps this wouldn’t be as nasty as he’d feared.

“Witty,” Thomas snarked with a sarcastic laugh. “Well, I look forward to wiping the floor with you, Hamilton. Ta.” He walked away haughtily, and Alex’s friend group let out a collective sigh of relief.

“He is the worst,” Lafayette said, the illusion created by his off-hand tone being shattered as he let out a shaky, nervous laugh. Herc tightened his hold on Laf’s hand under the table.

“But he is kind of cute,” John shrugged, trying to lighten the mood. “Maybe he’s not such a bad person…”

“Laurens, just because he’s cute¸ that doesn’t make him a good person!” Hercules laughed, but some of the tension had left the air. Alex found the air easier to breathe as their apprehension dissolved into jokes.

“You think he is cute, chou?” Laf asked, looking up at his soulmate with mock-sad eyes.

“Not as cute as you,” Hercules affirmed, giving his boyfriend a quick kiss. Laf grinned up at his soulmate with doe-eyes, causing John to make retching noises.

“Ugh, get a room,” he groaned, rolling his eyes.

Alex laughed slightly as the Laf challenged John’s suggestion. He rolled up his sleeves again to let the markings from his soulmate show. T had written him an encouraging note this morning when Alex told them he’d started off with a bad sleep and a headache. His friends continued to talk as Alex started to have a new conversation of his own. With a sort of happy, glazed look in his eye, he carefully drew a little heart in the tender flesh by his elbow.

_Are you okay?_ Came the quick reply, scrawled next to the heart. Alex smiled to himself.

_Yes,_ he replied. _I just love you._

_I love you too ❤_

Alex looked up from the new writing on his arm with a smile on his face. He looked across the yard at where Jefferson was sitting with his group of friends. He was hunched over, staring intently at something. His arm? It looked as though he was writing... something. Probably behind on homework, Alex thought with a derisive snort, realizing he shouldn’t care what Thomas did with his time. Shaking his head, Alex turned back to the conversation his friends were having.

“So when I say ‘get a room,’ I mean away from us!” John asserted. Were they still on this topic? “Back me up here, Alex!”

Alex’s eyes widened. His normally sharp mind seemed a little dulled. Perhaps it was the bad sleep, but Alex couldn’t stop the restless feeling inside, his anxiety bubbling on low heat. “Um, yeah,” Alex shrugged.

John shot his friend a strange look, before continuing, saying, “Y’all are way too into each other.”

“ _Yeah_ we are,” Herc said suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Gross!” John cried, throwing up his arms as if to shield himself from his friend’s innuendos. Herc let out a booming laugh, and Alex smiled lightly. He noticed Laf’s eyes on him, however, and dropped his gaze to the table shyly. Thankfully, before Laf could say anything, the bell rang and Alex quickly rolled down his sleeves before standing to go inside.

“Are you okay, Alex?” Lafayette asked despite the bell, and Alex winced, turning back to face his friends. “You have been really quiet.”

“I’m fine…” Alex said with uncertainty, his cheeks flushing as they all looked at him intently. He was having a bad day, that’s all there was to it. His mind kept wandering back to the shores of his home, longing for the community away from this cold metropolis. Longing for his mother. Laf stood and ruffled Alex’s hair, kissing his head.

“If you need me, tell me,” he said quietly, before taking Herc’s hand and leaving for the school.

“Seriously, Alex. You’ve barely said anything today,” John inquired in a low voice once Lafayette and Hercules had departed for their class. Alex shrugged in response, feeling a little overwhelmed by the attention from his friends. John sighed, clapping his friend on the shoulder, and left to go to his class.

As soon as he was gone, Alex felt a guilty twisting in his stomach. He hated being rude toward his friends, but some days he just wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. Except T. At the thought of his soulmate, the knot in Alex’s stomach lessened a little. He wasn’t alone. Once he arrived at his History class, Alex went straight to the back of the room; away from prying eyes. He barely paid attention, already knowing everything his teacher was droning on about. He started absentmindedly doodling on his wrist, letting the classroom fade to the background. T’s drawings soon joined the fray, and Alex felt himself grinning despite his vaguely anxious mental state.

_Are you sure you’re okay?_ Appeared amongst the doodles and Alex’s face dropped a little.

_Meh,_ he replied, biting his lip.

I _’m here for you if you need me. And remember. You’re stronger than all of them._

_Thank you,_ Alex wrote back, a grin tugging at his lips. This small affirmation from the person he loved most in the world unfurled the ball of anxiety growing within him. He felt the worry leave his body, and he did his best to relax.

After T had calmed him down, the rest of Alex’s day passed uneventfully, and he found himself more than usually excited to go to debate club. He needed to blow off some steam.

“You seem happier,” Hercules grinned at Alexander as soon as he arrived at debate club. “You ready to kick Jefferson’s ass?”

“Absolutely,” Alexander grinned back, feeling confidence rise in him. Maybe today wasn’t such a bad day.

“Okay everyone,” Mr. Adams’s reedy voice called over the din in the room. The conversation bubbled down, but a collective babbling was still kept among the chattier members of the group. And, as a debate club, they tended to be a chatty collective.

“Shut up!” Angelica yelled authoritatively. Everyone snapped to attention immediately, the laughter and excited gossip ceasing completely.

“Uh, thank you, Angelica…” Mr. Adams said impatiently. “We’ll be starting with our A team today…”

Alex nodded. That was him, Angelica, James Madison, Charles Lee, Jefferson, and John Laurens.

“And we’ll be debating a school issue today…”

Alexander heaved a sigh. He hated when they debated school issues. He was itching for a heated political debate; wanted to take the energy and anger he had pent up inside and use it to destroy Jefferson.

“... We’ll be discussing whether or not public prayer should be allowed in schools,” Mr. Adams continued, and Alex’s ears perked up. This was something he could argue. Easily.

“…All in favour of allowing public prayer, please go to the left of the room, all in favour of banning it, go to the right,” Mr. Adams finished.Jefferson whispered something to James and Aaron with a smirk on his face.

Alex took note, and pointedly walked to the left of the room, already planning an argument structure in his head. John and Angelica also crossed to his side of the room, and, to his surprise, so did Jefferson.

“I’m afraid one of you will have to change sides,” Mr. Adams said boredly. “Who’s okay with leaving?”

They all looked at each other awkwardly, none of them budging. “Ugh, fine, I can go,” Angelica groaned, rolling her eyes and shooting both Alex and Thomas an annoyed look. She got along well with both of them, usually, and seemed ticked that she was forced to leave their team.

“I thought you were from the south, Jefferson,” Alex hissed hotly. “Not intolerant enough to hate other religions?”

Thomas’ eyes narrowed, giving him a disdainful once-over. Alexander quickly ensured that his sleeves were rolled all the way down. He didn’t want to fuel Jefferson’s fire.

“Watch yourself, Alex,” Thomas said simply, with a hint of a sneer.

“What the fuck are you even doing over here?” Alex spat.

“I guess we agree on something for once, Hamilton,” he smirked, and Alex reddened with rage at the smug look on his face.

“Go f-”

“Three minutes for discussion!” Mr. Adams cut Alex off, and Jefferson smirked at him. Alex scowled but huddled with the rest of the group.

“Okay,” Alex began, immediately taking the lead position since Angelica wasn’t there. “We should start with something punchy-”

“No, we should start subtly,” Jefferson cut him off. John glanced nervously at a very reddened Alex. “Let’s open with something about free speech -”

“No,” Alex snapped. “Let’s open with the normalization of Christianity in schools-”

“That’s our closer -”

“That’s idiotic! It’s a perfect opener -”

“No one asked, Hamilton,” Jefferson snapped loudly. Alex heard James laugh from across the room, and he felt heat rush to his face.

“Hey shut the fuck up, Jefferson,” Hercules growled from the sidelines. “You too, Madison.”

“Gilbert, control your boyfriend,” Charles Lee taunted from across the room. Lafayette, who was sitting out this round, blushed profusely.

“Uh, Mr. Adams -” Aaron said suddenly, clearly perturbed by their teacher’s lack of interest in the veritable brawl that was taking place.

“Focus!” Angelica hollered before Mr. Adams could deign to get involved, and a disgruntled silence fell over the club, each group turning back to planning. Before any real work could be accomplished, however, Mr. Adams’ reedy voice called out once more.

“Time’s up!” he shouted and Alexander groaned in frustration. Only Jefferson had written his plan out for their group to share. They would have to use his outline. Alex tightened his fists. He’d be damned if he didn’t get a good point in there.

“Uh… Jefferson’s team. Opening point,” Mr. Adams instructed, gesturing vaguely toward their small group.

Alex raised his chin up and spoke clearly, quashing any nerves that bubbled up. “The constitution clearly states -”

“-That is to say, in America…” Thomas cut cleanly across Alex’s opening statement. Alex’s jaw dropped. He was following Jefferson’s plan. Why wasn’t he allowed to speak?

Alex looked helplessly at John, who shook his head, looking similarly frustrated and bemused. When they got to the second point, Alex stepped forward.

“It is also notable that -” Alex began, but was again most infuriatingly cut off by Jefferson.

“Uh… Hamilton,” he interjected in a condescending tone, “I think it’s John’s argument now.”

Alex’s mouth clamped shut, his face turning red. In his anger, he’d forgotten that John was indeed supposed to take the middle point. Alex glared down at the ground while John spoke, trying to calm the anxiety that was tearing at his insides. He brought short breaths through his nose, trying not to disrupt the opposition’s argument as he struggled to regain strength and clarity.

Then it was his turn to speak. Alex bit his lip, fury - at himself and Jefferson - silencing him.

“Um, Alex…” Jefferson said with mock confidentiality. “It’s your turn now.”

Alex closed his eyes, trying to steady himself, but couldn’t bring himself to speak. Holding back desperate tears, Alex gestured for Thomas to take the point.

“If you insist,” Thomas said smoothly, taking over their closing point. Alex’s point. As the debate came to a close, Alex grabbed his arm, digging his nails deep into his flesh. Something to steady him.

“Well,” Mr. Adams called out once the opposition had made their concluding statement. “Despite some… teamwork difficulties… it’s quite clear that this debate has been won by Mr. Jefferson’s team. Congratulations!”

Alex felt a weight drop into his stomach. Not only had he been embarrassed in front of everyone, but, apparently, his team didn’t even need him. Jefferson had effectively silenced him.

“Let’s take a short break, and then we’ll get the B team to debate,” Mr. Adams asserted, and the babble arose again.

Alex, his thoughts barely coherent as he struggled to stay afloat amidst his growing panic and rage, approached Jefferson. His confidence from earlier was completely destroyed, but the same desire to hurt Jefferson remained. Had grown in strength.

“Hey, Jefferson,” Alexander said, his voice shaking and his breath short. “That was some bullshit you pulled right there, but, believe me, this isn’t the end. Back the fuck off, or we’re gonna have a problem.”

“Wow, aggressive, Hamilton. Don’t get enough love from mommy?” Jefferson asked cruelly with a steely glint in his eye. Alex’s stomach felt like it was in freefall, his lungs emptying. With feign embarrassment, Jefferson then placed a hand over his mouth. “Oh. Wait.”

Alexander felt as though he’d been removed from his body. All the rage and anxiety that had built up over the day washed over him like a tsunami. He couldn’t breathe. His mind was blank; the thumping of his heart the only noise inside his head. He felt sick. His eyes burned with tears. Not wanting anyone to be around him when he broke, Alex turned on his heel and fled from the room. As soon as he was in the hallway, tears began to pour down his face in earnest and he felt himself stagger and slump against the wall. He curled onto the floor, unable to gain breath, no clarity in his mind.

Except one thing. T.

With a shaking hand, Alex pulled a pen out of his backpack, placing the tip on the skin of his forearm. He pressed the nib hard into his flesh, needing to feel something. Anything in this endless, numb panic.

_SOS SOS SOS SOS SOS,_ he wrote over and over again on his skin, feeling grief, panic, and nauseous anxiety drowning him. He missed his mother. He needed Laf. His father. Someone. No. He needed T. _SOS SOS SOS..._

_One sec, I have to get some privacy,_ T wrote on his arm beneath Alexander’s panicked writing.

The grip around his heart loosened slightly, though the tears were still pouring down his face, his breathing still coming inconsistently. His soulmate would be able to help him. Alex’s heartrate was beginning to regulate when all of a sudden the classroom door banged open and Jefferson burst through, staring down at his arm - which was, for once, uncovered by his sleeve - in concern. Alexander immediately recoiled to the wall, not wanting Thomas to see him in this vulnerable state. That was the last thing he needed right now.

“Hamilton.” Jefferson said in an unreadable tone. Suddenly, through the empty, endless feeling of nothingness, Alex felt an emotion. Anger.

“Leave me alone, Jefferson,” Alexander replied thickly, trying to cease his flowing tears. Jefferson crouched in front of him, and Alex closed his eyes, feeling fear twist his stomach. Thomas could do anything to him right now. He would be the laughing stock of the school.

“You’re A,” Thomas breathed.

_I’m A?_ Those words should mean something, but Alex couldn’t seem to understand what it was. He just needed T. Alex glared down at his arm, waiting for T to write something else.

“Alex…” Thomas whispered, his tone soft. Scared?

Without thinking, Alex pushed him away. “I said leave me alone!” he screamed.

“No! Alex!” Thomas shouted, and Alex looked blearily up at his bully, whose arm was held out, writing covering it; _SOS SOS SOS SOS…_

Alex’s heart stopped, his chest and stomach knotting. Then, there were arms around him. Thomas had gathered him into a hug. They fit perfectly around him; feeling all at once strong and comforting. As if on cue, Alex’s heartrate slowed, calm washing over him. Before his brain kicked in and reminded him whose arms he was in. Alexander felt repulsed. Livid.

With all the strength he could muster, he shoved Jefferson roughly off of him. To his satisfaction, the taller boy tumbled painfully back to the ground, staring up at Alex with wide, apologetic eyes. Alex stood up, anger rolling in his insides, his panic still blurring his vision. Breathing heavily, he glared down at his soulmate, rage bursting inside.

“Get the fuck away from me,” he spat venomously and stormed away, not looking behind him.


	2. Ruined

_ Alex _

_ Alex _

_ Alex _

Alexander glared at the writing on his arm, feeling his anger building as he walked back home. He could barely see for the anger, heartbreak, and anxiety clouding his mind. Trying to hold back tears, he bounded up the stairs to his apartment, slipping once and slamming his knee on the hard stair. With a jolt of panic, he realized he didn’t even feel the pain. He drew short breaths through his nose as he forced himself to climb the rest of the stairs, trying to ignore the writing that wouldn’t cease covering his arm.

_ Please talk to me _

_ I’m sorry _

_ Please _

_ Alex _

_ Alex _

_ Alex _

Every word Thomas wrote filled him with more and more anger and anxiety. The waves of panic were crashing at cracked levees; it was only a matter of time before they crumbled completely. 

Alex burst into his apartment and found it empty, causing a whole new kind of confusion to enter him. While he wanted to be alone (where solitude could guard him from judgement), he longed for someone to tell him it would be okay. Someone to take away his panic. 

“Dad?” he tried to call out, but his voice failed him, his raw throat emitting only a strangled, incoherent noise. He waited, hoping his father would appear. Somehow. But George wasn’t home. 

Alex ran to the bathroom, feeling sick to his stomach as Thomas’ dark, panicked writing coated his arm. It mingled with their happy doodles from earlier… Alex froze, his heart clenching. The newly formed words were skimming by a note from earlier;

_ Yes, I just love you. _

_I love you too_ ❤

_ Please Alex I’m so sorry please please please _

The levees broke. Alex fell to the floor, his panic completely taking over his body. He couldn’t get air into his lungs, his chest was heaving, tears were pouring down his face. And now, he was completely alone, facing his insurmountable panic. He couldn’t handle an attack on his own. He needed T. No, not anymore. 

T –  _ his  _ T – was Thomas Jefferson. Thomas had made Alexander’s life a living hell; had caused so many panic attacks, so much pain… he had driven him to a point of desperation and self-loathing that no one but his father knew about. 

But it had been T who brought him out of that sadness. Alexander was hit with the irony of it all, and his stomach twisted. This person; this nameless, faceless person to whom he had divulged every secret, every anxiety, every passion… this person was a bully. A monster. Alex felt sick as a fresh wave of desperation slammed into him. 

Something else slammed as well. A door? Alex was too far gone to comprehend the world around him. Too deep. 

“Alex? Are you home?” 

George. The grip around Alex’s throat loosened slightly. He tried to make a noise; something that would tell his father where he was so that he wouldn’t have to suffer alone, but he was unable to make a noise. He heard footsteps. Approaching him? He was unsure. Sounds seemed to overlap with no sense of source or direction. 

“Alex?”

It was loud. Alex flinched at the close proximity of the noise, his breathing coming even shorter. Then his head was being lifted off the floor; into a lap. 

“Shh, son, calm down…” George muttered softly. “Just breathe…”

Alex gasped loudly, the air stinging his lungs as his vision cleared slightly. Strength rebuilding inside, he pulled himself into a sitting position and leaned heavily on his father. George held him tightly, murmuring soft words of encouragement. 

Alex’s breathing was coming more naturally now. Heavily, but in a steady rhythm. 

George’s hand was suddenly on Alex’s arm, tracing over the newly forming words. Alex looked down at his skin and felt anger broil inside him again. Alex got to his feet with haste, staggering only slightly before he clung to the counter.

“Alex -” George said softly, getting to his feet. 

Unhearing, Alex turned on the tap. He made sure the water was all but scalding, and thrust his arm under the stream. He pumped soap out into his hands and scrubbed with vigour. He relished in the sight of the water turning black and running down into the pristine porcelain sink. He felt an angry grip around his heart when Jefferson continued to write even as his words disappeared. He continued to scrub them away, angry tears forming in his eyes as his work was undone. 

A loud growl of frustration tore it’s way out of him, and he felt his father’s hand on his shoulders, turning him around. 

“Alex. Talk to me,” George said seriously, clutching his son’s shoulders with intensity. 

Alex took a shuddering breath to collect himself. “Pen. I need a pen,” he said. 

George’s brow furrowed, but he reached into his back pocket and produced a pen, passing it to Alexander. 

Alex took it immediately and brought it to his arm, writing as clearly and in as large lettering as he could,  _ LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. _

Thomas’ frantic writing stopped and Alex breathed a sigh of relief. He looked up into his father’s concerned eyes and averted his gaze, turning back around to scrub the remainder of the writing off his arm. By the time it was off, his skin was tender and red, with only the faintest traces of writing. 

He gripped the edges of the counter, breathing heavily. He felt George’s hand on his shoulder again, and he turned his head around, his face still contorted with anger. George’s face was sympathetic and understanding. Alexander’s resolve immediately shattered and his face crumpled. He brought a hand over his mouth to stop himself from sobbing before he was buried in his father’s embrace once more. 

“Come, sit down,” George said quietly, and Alex let himself be taken to his bedroom, stumbling along the hall, guided by his father’s steady hand on his shoulder.

They sat on Alex’s bed, and relief washed over him at the familiar surroundings.

“Alex… what happened?” George said seriously, and Alexander felt a new wave of anxiety batter him. He did his best to hold it back. His father deserved to know.

“I…” he didn’t even know where to begin. He had never told his father about how much he’d been bullied by Jefferson and his crew. He’d only told George that they disliked one another. Should he even go into it? He was about to lie, when his father’s gaze fixated on Alex’s rubbed-raw arm.

“What did T do?” he asked, a hint of anger behind his words. 

Before Alex could stop himself, there were tears pouring down his face, and he was gasping for breath again. Bewildered, George gathered his son into a hug, stroking his long hair gently.

“What happened, son?” he asked once Alexander’s gasping had slowed.

“I met T,” Alexander sobbed.

“You  _ met…  _ Who are they?” George asked, his eyes going wide.

“Thomas Jefferson,” Alexander replied quietly.

“It’s  _ Thomas?  _ Don’t you two not get along?” 

Alex stared up at his father in disbelief before remembering. There was so much George didn’t know. So much he’d covered up to seem strong. Alex felt a rising inside him, and a hysterical giggle gurgled out of his mouth. His father stared at him with wide, concerned eyes as he doubled over, a sick laughter rattling him. As soon as laughter subsided, it was replaced with a nauseous feeling in his stomach, and tears sparkled in his eyes again.

“Dad…” he said helplessly, unable to put into words the emotions he was feeling. Reliving. “It’s so much worse than that.”

He looked guiltily up at his expectant father and took a steadying breath. “He’s – uh… he’s sort of the reason why… last year…”

“Last year..” George echoed, his brow furrowing. As realization dawned on him, his mouth fell slightly ajar. He was no doubt reliving that awful day, when he’d come home to find Alex unconscious, an empty pill bottle on the floor... George shuddered and pulled his son into another hug. “I’m so sorry, Alex,” he whispered, horrified.

“He’s sort of made my life hell since I started high school,” Alex laughed humourlessly, staring down at the ground. A curtain of dark hair obscured his face, allowing him a moment to collect himself.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” George asked, his words coated in concern.

Alex brushed aside his hair to look up at his father. He bit his lip, shaking his head. 

“I didn’t know how, dad…” Alexander trailed off, and George rubbed his back soothingly. “It feels so stupid to let someone have so much power over me…”

“Well I think now you know why he had so much power,” George hedged gently. 

Alex’s eyes widened, horrified. He shook his head angrily, gnawing at his lip. “Fuck him,” he spat venomously, the effect slightly ruined by the tortured break in his voice. 

“I know he caused a lot of damage…” George began carefully. 

Alex gave a derisive snort, wiping at his face with his sweater sleeve. 

“But, Alex you have to remember… Thomas was also the one that helped you through all of that.”

* * *

 

The pale autumn light streamed through Alex’s window the next morning. His eyes cracked open, feeling dry and sticky. He knew he should get out of bed to go to school; knew he needed to face the day. Had to be strong. But it felt as though a heavy weight had settled on his chest, keeping him trapped in the confines of his soft bed. 

He swallowed thickly, his throat dry and raw. He rolled his head to look at his nightstand and his eyes fell on his phone. He lifted a heavy arm out of bed and picked up his phone sluggishly, bringing it to his face. There was an influx of texts from his friends. 

**_Herc:_ ** _ Dude where did you go? _

**_John:_ ** _ alex where the fuck are you _

**_Laf:_ ** _ chou, qu’est-ce qui c’est passé? _

**_Herc:_ ** _ Seriously Alex _

**_John:_ ** _ aleeeeeeexxxxxxxxxxxx _

**_Laf:_ ** _ Alex… si tu as besoin d’aide, rėponds _

Alex bit his lip, scrolling through text after text, feeling a growing sense of anxiety from looking at what he’d missed. He took a deep breath and tapped the text thread from Laf. He typed a response quickly. 

**_Alex:_ ** _ i’m okay. sorry for scaring you. _

Moments later, his phone began to vibrate in his hand, a selfie he and Laf had taken together filling the screen with a call answer button. Alex took a steadying breath and accepted the call. 

“What happened, Alex?” Laf asked immediately.

“Uh…” Alex began, his voice sounding weak. “A lot.”

“Are you coming to school today?” 

“... I don’t know,” Alex muttered softly, biting his lip. 

“I would like it if you did,” Laf said after a moment of quiet. 

Alex squeezed his eyes shut. “... I may come late.”

He heard Lafayette breathe a sigh of relief. “Please do.”

“Okay,” Alex replied weakly, feeling the pull of his bed even more. Laf was just saying these things… No one would really care if he didn’t show up to school…

“Alex…” Laf began, trailing off. Alexander waited for a continuation, staring up at his ceiling blankly. “I think you would look nice if you wore that green sweater…”

Alex smiled despite himself. He remembered Laf picking it out for him one day at the store… Back near the beginning when Alex had just moved to New York. He’d always liked it when Alex wore that sweater. Alex looked forward to donning its comforting warmth… but he’d have to get out of bed. Alexander sat up, feeling only a slight head rush. 

“Thanks, Laf,” he said quietly, a smile hinting around his lips. “I’ll… I’ll see you at lunch.”

“ _ D’accord, _ ” Laf replied, and Alex could hear the relief and happiness in his voice. “See you at lunch.”

Alex ended the call and stood up, plugging in his phone before getting in the shower. He stayed in there for as long as he possibly could, just letting the hot water wash over him and erase the events of the day before. But the angry thoughts kept coming back to him, more scalding than the water that was reddening his skin.

He only exited the steamy shower stall when he began to get lightheaded. He was slow and meticulous in taking his medication, in brushing his hair and teeth, in getting dressed…

When he finally wandered out into the main part of his apartment, it was to find his father sitting at the kitchen table with breakfast and tea ready for his son. Alex couldn’t help but smile at George’s thoughtfulness.

He took a seat at the table and his dad glanced up from his newspaper.

“How did you sleep?” he asked, thankfully not addressing the fact that his son was certainly going to be at least an hour late for school, and, even better, not addressing the distressing events of the day before.

Alexander shrugged and began to eat his breakfast. “Thanks for breakfast, dad,” he said, forcing a smile. 

George nodded at him warmly, seemingly unsure of what to say. 

Alex took a stab at acting casual, gesturing at his mug of tea. “You should know by now that tea won’t get me through the day.”

George looked slightly taken aback by his son’s blasé attitude, but took it in stride. “Fine. Give me your tea, there’s coffee in the pot.”

“Thanks,” Alex said, getting up from the table to grab the coffee pot. 

“So… are you going to school today?” his father asked casually as Alexander poured himself a mug of hot coffee. “It’s okay with me if you don’t want to go. I understand,” George said in a rush, watching his son warily.

“No, I’d... like to go,” Alexander said, sipping his coffee. “I want to see my friends.”

“Do they…?” George ventured, gesturing vaguely.

“No,” Alex answered shortly, taking another sip of his coffee. They only knew something bad had happened. Alex figured he owed it to them to fill them in.That is, if they cared at all… 

Alex closed his eyes, trying to shake the negative thoughts from his mind as he sat back down at the table.

“Okay, well, if you need to come home today… I understand,” George said, patting his son reassuringly on the arm. His blank, ink-free arm. 

“Thanks, dad,” Alexander replied. George’s face lit up slightly at being called “dad.” It was still a fairly recent development, Alexander having let it slip only a few months prior, and then apologising profusely for overstepping. George had never been more honoured, but the new title still took some getting used to.

Alex picked at his breakfast, not feeling well enough to eat. George watched him warily over his newspaper. He pulled out the crossword and passed it across the table to his son, hoping the familiar activity would comfort him. Alex smiled weakly and took the paper, scratching in a few words easily before pushing it aside. He wasn’t in the mood.

Trying to ignore his father’s concerned look, Alex left the table quickly, heading out to school with only a little procrastination, walking slowly. He was too late for first period, but he would easily be able to make it for second. As he walked, he turned his music up louder and louder, trying to drown out the intrusive thoughts that crowded his mind. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the school appear over the hill. Something to distract him. When he arrived, he walked straight to his French class and sat down in the hall, waiting for the bell to signify the period change. By now his music was so loud it began to hurt his head, creating a throbbing, pounding pain in his temples. 

He almost didn’t hear the shrill bell ring through the halls, but it became quickly apparent what had happened as the halls suddenly clogged with students. He stood against the wall, letting people brush past him as though he didn’t exist. Once the flow stemmed slightly, he slipped through the doorway, heading straight to the back of the class and sinking as low as he could in his seat. He looked beside him and his heart hurt as his eyes fell on an empty desk. Eliza, one of his closest friends, would be gone for a week on her band championship trip. He was left alone for what was sure to be one of the most agonizing classes of his life. 

He managed to suffer through French class in silence, aching for Eliza’s warm smile, or the familiar doodle-conversations he would have with T. Tears burned his eyes as he thought about all that had happened; all that would happen. What would he do if he saw Thomas today? The thought chilled him and he buried his head in his hands.

After what seemed like an eon, the bell signalled the end of class. Head ducked, Alex made his way through the crowd to the doors leading out to the yard. He only looked up once he was outside and reluctantly felt himself smile at the sight of his friends all gathered around their usual picnic bench.

“Alex!” Lafayette cried, rushing over to wrap his friend in a warm hug. Alex clung back gratefully, anxiety quelling at the familiar embrace. 

Laf gave him a sad smile as they pulled out of their hug. Alex tucked himself into his taller friend’s side and allowed himself to be led to their table. While they walked, his eyes fell on his friend’s wrist, where some writing was partially visible. Herc’s neat, narrow writing;  _ Is Alex ok?  _ Then, smaller;  _ Are you? _

Alex felt a swoop of guilt pass through him and he cuddled further into Laf’s side, trying not to fixate on the fact that he was a burden to his friends. 

Once they were at the table, John hugged Alex quickly and Herc cuffed him on the head, saying, “You scared the shit out of me! What the fuck happened?”

“I met T,” he began simply, as he’d done with his father. After their gasps of curiosity, Alex told them the rest of what had happened, doing his best to remain calm. While tears burned his eyes and his throat constricted painfully several times, Laf’s reassuring hand on his back kept him steady. Grounded. While he kept a handle on his emotions, reliving the events of the day before  _ again  _ was utterly exhausting. Once he’d caught them up completely, he felt deflated, devoid of emotion. He nervously glanced up at his friends once he had finished, unsure of what their reaction would be.

John looked livid, his face bright with rage. Alex touched him on the arm gently, hating the glowering look covering his face. At the contact, John’s eyes immediately softened, and he put a protective arm around Alex. Lafayette gazed softly at Alex with sympathetic tears glistening in his eyes. He looked a mixture of horrified and saddened by what his friend had endured. Hercules, however, looked pensive, though his brows were furrowed in anger.

“I wonder what the fuck is going on in  _ his  _ brain,” Herc said after a long silence.

They were all taken aback by this; John staring at his friend in bemusement, while Laf looked considerate of his soulmate’s words. Alex, however, thought back to his father’s words; Thomas may have caused his suffering. But he also helped him through it all. 

Alex looked pensively across the yard at the place where Jefferson’s crew usually ate their lunch. Everyone was there except for Thomas. James Madison looked over and caught Alex’s eye. His expression was unreadable, but he gave a stiff nod and looked away.  _ How much did  _ he  _ know?  _ Alex wondered.

“I don’t give a fuck what he’s thinking, Herc,” John said after they’d all let his words sink in. “After all the shit he put Alex through? He doesn’t deserve our empathy.”

“I never said he did,” Herc retorted brusquely.

“I think he does,” Laf said gently. “He is Alexander’s soulmate. Think how terrible he must feel that all the times ‘A’ needed him, he had been the reason… Think how awful it must be to realize that you have completely ruined your soulmate every day for the past two years.”

“I’m not ruined,” Alex said in a stab of hot anger, eyes flashing up to meet his best friend’s. “He hasn’t  _ ruined  _ me.”

“Alex – that is not what I meant…” Laf stumbled, regretting his words. Herc automatically put his hand on his soulmate’s thigh protectively, shooting a frustrated look in Alex’s direction.

Alexander stood up, rage beginning to course through him. He knew he wasn’t mad at Laf, but he suddenly needed to be alone. Needed to get away from him; from all of them.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Alexander said stiffly, swinging his backpack over his shoulder and stalking away angrily. He looked over his shoulder and saw his friends sharing bewildered glances. Anger bit at him again. They were probably talking about him now, behind his back. About how unreasonable he was. How he was weak.

Alex felt his anger cool as he walked home, anxious guilt creeping up on him from having yelled at his friends. Why were they even friends with him? He was so shitty towards them all the time…

“Shut up,” Alex growled to himself under his breath, angrily trying to remove the negative thoughts from his mind. 

Without thinking, he reached into his backpack for a pen. With a pen clutched in his fist, backpack hanging open, Alex stopped, realizing what he was doing. 

He couldn’t do this anymore. He’d lost T. Now it was only Thomas.

_ They’re the same person _ , said a voice in his head; a voice that sounded suspiciously like his father. But were they, though? How could they be?

With a renewed anger fuelling him, Alex threw his backpack over his shoulder, picking up his pace. He sprinted up the stairs to his apartment, letting himself in with more force than necessary. He walked with purpose to his room, holding the pen tightly in his hand, knuckles white. 

He sat on his bed, and with a deep, steadying breath, his heart pounding, Alex poised the pen onto the tender skin of his wrist.

_ Hey. _


	3. Awake

The reply was immediate.

_ Alex! _

Alexander felt a strange rush of emotions at the sight of the familiar handwriting. All his hatred for Thomas bubbled up, and constricted his airway. At the same time, he felt a fluttering in his stomach. This was the boy that he was in love with.

_ I’m so sorry for everything,  _ Thomas wrote, and Alexander felt his anger boiling in him again. ‘Sorry’ wasn’t even close to enough… the fact that Thomas thought it would be was infuriating.

Alex took a steadying breath before lifting his pen again.  _ Can we meet? _

_ Of course.  _ Alex grimaced. As if Thomas was doing him a favour.  _ Where? _

Alex thought for a moment. He knew he and Thomas needed to meet. To discuss… everything. But he couldn’t imagine a place to do so. He didn’t particularly want his bully to see his tiny little apartment, nor did he want to be in public…

_ How about your park?  _ Thomas asked, and Alex’s eyes widened. Nicholas Park. Three years ago, just after he’d come to New York, Alex had written to his soulmate excitedly, telling him of a beautiful place near his home. A park surrounded by the blaring cacophony of the city but somehow untouched by its madness. When he went there, it was the first time he’d felt at home since his mother had passed. T had been so happy for him… and they’d agreed then that their first date would be there. 

Touched that he’d remembered, Alex replied,  _ Okay. _

_ Where is it?  _ Thomas asked.

_ 135 _ _ th _ _ and St. Nicholas,  _ Alex wrote, feeling nerves rising.

_ I’ll be there in 20 minutes. _

Alex couldn’t help smiling at the message before anger twisted within him again. How could Thomas be both these people? The one who made him feel happy, loved, at peace… and the one who made him anxious, angry… the one who made him hate himself. 

His soulmate was supposed to be perfect for him. Their first meeting was supposed to be dreamy; the scene in the movie that makes you believe in love. Instead, it was going to be a confrontation between the bully and the victim. Who were in love with each other.

Alex shook his head to clear the confusing thoughts and glanced in the mirror. Since he’d taken so much time to get ready that morning, he looked quite presentable, but the bags under his eyes were more heavily pronounced than usual due to his atrocious sleep the night before.

He pulled his hair back into a ponytail before setting out. Walking the familiar route to St. Nicholas park was calming, but also filled him with dread. What would this change? His heart thrummed nervously against his chest and the panic settled in. As supportive as George was, what he really wanted to do right now was curl into his mother’s arms. She always knew how to calm him down when he was upset or scared. But he had to face Thomas.

Maybe they could work things out. They had been in love for years… maybe with more time all the horribleness would become a distant memory. He tried not to get his hopes too high, however, as he neared the park. He waited by the subway station on a nearby bench, his foot tapping anxiously on the pavement as people passed by him. Several stopped to cast him concerned looks; he did his best to ignore them. 

Alex tried to take deep, steadying breaths, wishing he were anywhere but there. While he wanted answers from Thomas; a sense of certainty about where they stood, he wanted desperately to just turn back the clock. Back to being blissfully in love with his soulmate without misgivings. 

Trying to calm himself, Alex focused his gaze on the subway station across the street. It was solid, unchanging. Grounding. As he stared, however, he began to grow more and more nervous about seeing Thomas. When he couldn’t take the worrying anymore, he stood to leave, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. He spared one glance over at the station again and his heart stopped. 

Thomas had emerged from the run-down staircase, eyes glued to the ground. He lacked his usual cocky walk as he crossed the street toward the park. Alex stood staring, transfixed by his soulmate’s appearance, having forgotten his intentions to leave. Thomas’ hair was dishevelled (more so than usual) and his eyes looked tired and puffy. Alexander felt his heart break slightly at the thought of his soulmate crying. And then he remembered how many times he was forced to tears by the same boy.

Thomas looked up as he neared the bench and caught Alexander’s eye, his face going red. He made his way over to where Alex was standing stock-still and hovered awkwardly.

“Should we sit down?” he asked. Alex felt apprehension shoot through him at the sound of Thomas’ voice, and he struggled to find his own. 

“M- maybe somewhere more private,” he stammered, trying to keep his panic at bay. 

“Uh… right,” Thomas muttered, and Alex brushed past him, leading him down the neatly kept path to a more secluded area of the park. 

“I… I heard that we’ll be able to see a really bright moon tonight…” Thomas said weakly. 

Alex furrowed his brow in confusion before Thomas continued.

“So… you’ll actually be able to see some stars tonight. Here.”

Alex stopped walking and turned to look at his soulmate, realization swooping through him. Thomas looked down at the ground in embarrassment. Any time Alex had been anxious, the sight of stars would always calm him down. They would remind him of home. T had always drawn them for him… he knew they helped. Despite the love that welled up in him, Alex steeled himself. 

“Yeah,” he replied, turning back around and continuing toward a bench under the shelter of a large tree. Alex sat first, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and staring down at his worn sneakers. Thomas hesitated a moment before sitting himself next to his soulmate and fixing him with an intense, sorrowful look. They were quiet. Neither boy knew what to say.

“Alex… I don’t even know where to begin,” Thomas said hopelessly after a long silence. His voice cracked with emotion and he closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath.

Perturbed, Alex stared up at his soulmate. He’d never seen Thomas in such a weak state. A part of him filled with grim satisfaction. He balled his fists in his pockets.

“Neither do I,” Alex said heatedly, and Thomas’ face paled. He looked utterly nauseous.

“I had no idea…”

“Clearly,” Alexander cut him off angrily.

“No, let me finish,” Thomas pleaded.

“You’re in no place to be making requests,” Alex scoffed, laughing darkly.

“I had no idea that you were so sensitive, Alex!” Thomas cried, and Alexander felt the bottom of his stomach drop out.

“What?” he said weakly.

“I thought you had a thick skin… that the things I was saying didn’t really have an effect on you. I had no idea –”

“That I was weak?” Alexander asked harshly, his anger bubbling over. “You’re sorry because I was  _ sensitive _ ? I’m not fragile… I’m not something you can ruin, Thomas!”

“I never said that!” Thomas interjected desperately, tears sparkling in his eyes. Alexander saw, but his anger kept him from caring.

He bit back a retort as a couple walked by, blissfully unaware of the tension adjacent to them, their small, yappy dog barking shrilly. Alex jumped at the loud noise, trying to calm his anger and anxiety. He could feel Thomas’ eyes on him as the couple passed them, disappearing round the corner. 

Alex turned back to Thomas, his anger rising again. 

“What happened to ‘you’re stronger than all of them, A’?” Alex threw Thomas’ written words back at him at a low volume, trying to tamp his rage. “Was that just bullshit, like everything else?”

“What I wrote to you -”

“Was a lie, obviously. All of it,” Alex growled. “You can’t just pretend you’re on my side, Thomas. Not after all the shit you’ve put me through.”

“No, I  _ did  _ mean it, I just -” 

“Decided to ridicule me and my friends for the same things you said you understood? That you knew hurt people? Hurt me?”

“If I had known -”

“What? If you had known I was your soulmate what would you have done?” Alexander spit.

“Oh, so you’re actually going to let me speak now?” Thomas asked sarcastically, meeting Alex’s gaze. 

Alex’s nostrils flared. “I think you’ve said enough over the past three years,” he said in a low but dangerous voice. 

Thomas took a steadying breath, staring at the ground and flattening his hands on his thighs as if trying to quell his anger. Alex noted that his fingers were quivering slightly. He suddenly looked up at Alex, and his eyes looked broken. Alex felt his anger cool to guilt as he saw the damage he’d done… But Thomas had caused so much more damage.

“Alex,” Thomas began in a steady voice. “I wish I could take back all the things I said. I always did, but…”

“You always did?” Alex echoed disbelievingly. Thomas’ face contorted with anger.

“Yes, I always did!” he snapped. “I hated myself for it.”

“I’m sorry it was so difficult for you,” Alex scoffed, his words seeping with derision. 

“Alex, you’re not the only one who has it rough!” Thomas retorted.

Alex’s brow furrowed in confusion. T had never mentioned any hardships.

“What do you -?”

“I’m just saying that I didn’t mean so many of the things I said to you in person. I promise that’s not who I am,” Thomas said in a pleading tone. “I thought you could take it, and I said it becau-”

“The reason doesn’t matter, Thomas!”  Alexander spit, unable to stop himself. “You don’t say shit like that to anyone.  _ Ever.  _ It doesn’t matter whether you think they’re tough or not.” He stood up to go, not wanting to look at Thomas’ face anymore. 

“Alexander, please –”

Alexander spun around to face Thomas, whose anguish was painted clearly on his face. 

“What?” Alex snapped angrily. “What could you possibly have to say that would actually make this better?”

“I’m so, so sorry Alex… for all of it. But I know you, now. I love you,” he said desperately. 

“If you love me so much, then why did you tell me to kill myself?” Alex asked in a low voice.

“I – what?” Thomas asked, his eyes growing wide. Oblivious. He didn’t remember. The most horrible, painful time in Alex’s life; the most vulnerable he’d ever been. And Thomas didn’t remember causing it. 

“Last year,” Alex seethed. “You told me to kill myself in front of all my friends. Told me I didn’t matter.”

Thomas’ eyes looked tortured. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it again, unable to conjure words adequate enough to convey his remorse.

“I  _ believed  _ you, Thomas,” Alex said in a deathly quiet voice, the dark memories bubbling up and clouding his mind.

“I – I didn’t mean…” Thomas stuttered desperately.

Alexander felt hot, angry tears spill onto his face. “It doesn’t fucking  _ matter  _ if you meant it, Thomas. You know what happened. Y-you know –” his voice was broken by a sob, and he glared down at the ground, trying to calm himself as the waves of anxiety crashed over him; threatening to drown him. 

“I know…?” Thomas echoed weakly before horror struck him. Alexander looked up, watching as his soulmate put two and two together; he had caused his soulmate’s attempted suicide.

“You know what happened!” Alex cried again, his voice growing weaker as his vision blurred.

_ Pull yourself together,  _ Alex tried to tell himself, but the dark parts of his mind were all becoming a swirling, throbbing mess, and his heart started to pound heavily against his chest. He began to get light-headed as fear constricted his throat, and he stumbled.

He was caught by a strong pair of arms and led to the bench. His whole body was shaking, the horrible memories paralyzing him, bringing back all the self-loathing and desperation he’d felt… As he sobbed, Alex felt himself being curled into a warm body that perfectly fit his own. He desperately grabbed onto whoever was holding him and he felt his tears soaking their shirt.

A hand had undone his ponytail and was softly stroking his hair. Their warmth and tenderness reminded him of Laf. Of his mother. After what felt like an hour, he felt his heartrate slow as the panic subsided.

“Breathe, A…” a voice whispered soothingly, and Alex felt a painful pang in his heart. As he came to his senses, he realized the gravity of his situation. He was being held in the arms of his soulmate for the first time… and for all the wrong reasons.

“I have to go,” Alexander said, standing up and wiping at his wet face, his head still pounding from the attack.

Thomas caught his hand as he made to leave. “Alex, please… hear me out.”

Alexander turned to look back at Thomas and gave the slightest nod of his head.

“Alex… I don’t know how I could even begin to make everything up to you. I’m not sure if I ever can… but I need you to know that I’m going to do everything in my power to make it right, okay? Because I love you… and I’m still T. I’m still your soulmate.”

“Yeah…” Alex said quietly. “But you’re also still Jefferson.”

“Alex…” Thomas stared up at his soulmate pleadingly. 

“I need some time, Thomas,” Alex muttered, staring down at his sneakers. 

“If you need me…” Thomas began, biting his lip. 

“I won’t.”

And with that, Alex departed, leaving Thomas alone in his soulmate’s favourite park.

Alex tried to ignore the throbbing pain in his head as he walked back home. The negative thoughts were still swirling menacingly, and he had a nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach. Half of him wanted to turn back, forgive Thomas, be happy with his soulmate… But he couldn’t forget. Couldn’t forgive. Alex began to gnaw on his lip, the pain helping to clear his head.He jolted when he felt a buzzing against his thigh, biting down hard on his lip. He swore as a metallic taste filled his mouth, pulling out his phone to check it.

**_Dad:_ ** _ Where are you? Someone here to see you. _

Alex felt nervousness twisting inside him. Who was there to see him? Was it a friend of George’s? His therapist? Alex’s heart thrummed anxiously; he really didn’t feel like talking to anyone right now. He quickly typed a reply to his father.

**_Me:_ ** _ I was at the park. Who’s there? _

He waited impatiently for the reply, but gave up after a few minutes, knowing his dad was terrible about checking his phone. Alex slowed his pace, but was soon nearing his apartment building. Beginning to shake slightly with nerves, he climbed the stairs and arrived at his door. He fumbled with his keys, dropping them on the hard floor with an exaggerated clang. He winced and bent over to pick them up, but was surprised by the door opening.

“Dad,” he said, in a flatter tone than he’d intended as he stood up.

“I thought I heard you,” George said, stepping to the side to let his son through the door. His smile faltered as soon as he saw Alex’s puffy and swollen eyes. “Are you okay?”

Alexander shrugged. “Who’s here?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

George’s thick eyebrows furrowed in concern at the clear distress his son had undergone. Before he could answer the question, however, John Laurens popped his head through the doorway to the living room.

“John!” Alex cried, relief flooding him. He ran forward and crashed into his friend, who staggered back, surprised by Alex’s sudden display of affection. Normally he reserved that for Laf.

“You okay?” John asked, hugging Alex back protectively. 

“I’ll leave you boys to talk,” George said and left for the kitchen. 

Alex pulled out of his friend’s arms and gave him a slightly embarrassed smile. John returned it warmly, and together they walked through the small apartment to Alex’s bedroom. Once there, they climbed out onto their favourite place to talk; the fire escape. Alex could easily fit through the window frame, but John struggled slightly to squeeze his tall, gangly body out onto the landing. Once they were both through, they sat over the stairs, their feet dangling down over three storeys of metal landings.

“Are you okay, Alex?” John asked again after a moment of silence. Alex shrugged. That was his least favourite question, and yet people always seemed to need it answered. “Sorry… that’s a dumb thing to ask, just… you seem…”

“Anxious as hell?” Alex supplied with a dark laugh. 

“... Upset,” John said sincerely. “I mean, you have every right to be, but… what’s going on in there?”

He playfully tapped Alex’s skull and they both smiled before Alex took a steadying breath.

“I don’t even know how to answer that, Jack…” He looked down at his hands, which were now nervously tearing at each other. He sat on them to keep them still. “I was so in love with T, and now I realize that he’s…”

“A totally bully, yeah,” John nodded.

“But it’s more than that,” Alex said quietly. He glanced nervously at John who was listening intently. Alex took a deep breath. “I never really told you this, but last year… Remember when Thomas told me to kill myself?”

“Yeah,” John growled, his jaw setting on edge.

“Well, I kind of… took it to heart.”

John didn’t seem surprised. Sad and angry, yes, but not surprised. “I remember. You missed a week of school… you told us you were sick…”

“Yeah,” Alex said, tears sparkling in his eyes. He laughed humourlessly. “Did you believe me?”

“No,” John said without hesitation. “Herc did, I think… or he wanted to. You told Laf, right?”

Alex nodded, and John bit his lip, apparently perturbed. “I figured you would tell all of us if you were ready.”

Alex nodded again and pulled his hands out from under his thighs, beginning to pick at them nervously again. John reached over and placed his hand over Alex’s, squeezing it gently and ceasing the picking.

“What exactly happened? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking,” John said in a rush, staring intently into his friend’s eyes.

I… uh,” Alex began, but felt his heart hammering against his chest. John rubbed soothing circles on the back of Alex’s hand with his thumb, calming him down immensely. “I got home that day, and I was just sick of it. Sick of all of it. I thought you guys – well, it’s not important. I just, I wanted it to all be over. So I got my anxiety m-medication,” Alex’s voice began to waver as he relived the experience; guilt and shame filling his gut. “I was unconscious by the time my dad got home. But... he made sure I was okay.”

“Oh, Alex,” John whispered, horrified. Uncharacteristically, he pulled his friend into a hug and started stroking his hair. Alex clung back tightly, taking deep breaths. John’s familiar scent was comforting. Familiar. Once he’d calmed down, he pulled away and looked down at the ground.

“ _ He  _ did that to me. Thomas did that to me…” Alex muttered rage-filled disbelief. “I… don’t think I want him to be my soulmate. I wish I didn’t even have one.”

John looked up sharply at those words and studied his friend’s face with intensity. Alex looked completely broken, and John’s expression softened slightly.

“Not having a soulmate isn’t so bad…” John said gently, and Alex’s eyes widened. He could have kicked himself.

“John, I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean – I don’t want to take my soulmate for granted, I just –”

“Alex, chill. It’s fine,” John said with a slight smile. “I understand. Thomas… doesn’t deserve you.”

“I thought I didn’t deserve T…” Alex countered pensively, studying his dangling feet to avoid eye contact with John.

A hand was suddenly under his chin, and his face was gently tilted up to look directly into John’s. He could see every freckle on the teen’s face. They were sprinkled like constellations across his skin. Alex smiled.

“Alex, you deserve the world, okay?” John said gently, and Alex warmed under his touch. He nestled his head onto John’s shoulder and felt his eyelids begin to droop.

“You need some rest, Alex,” John muttered softly. “C’mon.” 

John stood and offered his hand to his friend. Alex took it and followed John back through the window. John pulled back the covers on Alex’s bed and gestured for him to get in. Tiredly, Alex obliged. To his surprise, after a moment, John had crawled into the bed beside him. Alex happily nestled into his chest. John lightly stroked Alex’s hair as his eyelids drifted closed.

Alex felt himself slipping deeper and deeper into unconsciousness, soothed by the gentle stroking of his hair. The anxiety from the day seemed to relax as John’s heart thrummed next to his ear; the fingers running through his hair were teasing away the inhibition and depression he’d felt... His breathing slowed as he felt his body grow heavier and heavier… sleep was almost upon him… he was…

“I love you, Alex.”

Awake.


	4. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: homophobic slurs, misogynistic slur

Alex's eyes flashed open, his exhaustion forgotten. Had he heard correctly? Had he imagined it? Trying not to move too exaggeratedly, Alex glanced up to peek at John's face. He had a small, sad smile on his face and his eyes were closed. Peaceful.

Alex silently wondered what he should do, his mind racing a mile a minute. He really didn't need any more drama today, but he also didn't need festering tension in his friend group… He closed his eyes again and took a deep breath, already regretting what he was about to say next.

"Uh - John?" His small voice somehow seemed to fill the room. John jolted; not because he was asleep, but because he could have sworn Alex was. 

"You're awake?" he asked, his voice wavering slightly. 

"You love me?" Alex returned, trying to keep his voice calm. He could feel John's body tense in reaction to his words. Alex sat up to look his friend in the eye. 

"I - what?"

"You just said you loved me," Alex stated in a frustrated voice. 

John let out a soft laugh, but he wasn't meeting Alex's eyes. "I think you were dreaming, Alex..."

"I didn't fall asleep!" he replied defensively, John’s condescending tone getting right under his skin.

"Come on, why would I say something like that?" John countered nervously, trying to laugh it off. 

"Oh, what? Because it's so ridiculous that someone would love me?" Alex angrily retorted, feeling his cheeks alight with emotion. 

"Don't be stupid, Alex..." John groaned, rolling his eyes. 

"Don't call me stupid!" Alex shot back. "I've gone through enough shit today, now tell me the fucking truth."

"The truth is that you're emotional today and you fell asleep and had a weird dream. That's all. Don't jump down my throat!"

"Don't call me a liar!" Alex snapped back.

"I didn't! You called  _ me _ one!" John cried loudly. His outburst seemed to reverberate around the room, leaving a slight humming in their ears.

Alex sat back in fuming silence, glaring down at his bed. He began to pick at a loose thread on his blanket; it felt childish, but for the moment he didn't much care. He had definitely heard what John said; it wasn’t a dream. Alex gnawed at the inside of his bottom lip. This was the last thing he needed today.

He looked up when a hand touched his arm lightly. John's face had softened considerably, his eyebrows knitted together. Alex felt his own face melt out of its furious expression as he looked into John’s light hazel eyes. They really were quite beautiful…

"I'm sorry I yelled," John said softly, removing his hand from his friend’s arm. "Do you want me to go?"

Alex felt his insides squirm with guilt. Now he’d made John upset… Why did anyone even want to hang out with him?

Alex shook his head lightly, looking back down at his blanket, which he was still absently picking at. He didn’t feel like apologizing, but he also didn’t want to be alone.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” John asked, and Alex glanced back up at him with a small smile. He nodded and a grin lit up John’s face as well.

Alex left the bed to pull out his laptop. “What do you want t–”

“Princess Bride,” John said automatically. Of course. They’d watched it together over a hundred times, but John’s enthusiasm never waned. Alex smiled, opening Netflix and easily finding it in ‘Recently Watched.’ They sat up against the wall to watch it, Alex’s tiny laptop resting on the bed in front of their folded legs.

Though this was his favourite movie, Alexander felt tense. Normally he would relax into the movie, laugh easily… But now, after John’s – allegedly imagined – confession, it was too weird. Was he imagining the awkwardness? Was he overthinking? He was so tired… all he wanted to do was lean on his friend, rest his head on his shoulder… Alex felt small butterflies in his stomach at the thought of cuddling into John, and his face flushed.

Alex wrapped his arms tightly around himself. This day just kept getting more complicated.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for supper?” George asked. 

John shrugged on his jacket, grimacing. “Wish I could, but my dad wants me home.” 

George’s expression darkened and he nodded, patting John heavily on the shoulder. John forced a smile and headed to the door. 

“Uh… see you tomorrow, Alex,” he mumbled. Alex smiled, not meeting his friend’s eyes. “And, thanks for letting me stay, George.”

“Any time,” George replied warmly, and John left, closing the door behind him. As soon as he’d left, Alex slipped back into the kitchen, where food was already on the table.  

“Thanks for dinner, dad,” Alex said, sitting down at the table to dig into his pasta. George eyed him warily and sat at the table as well. When Alex didn’t say anything, George began to eat.

“So did you see Thomas today?” George asked after a few moments of silent eating.

Alex looked up, realizing how much his father didn’t know. He put his fork down, becoming queasy. He cleared his throat nervously. “Yeah, I did. He wasn’t at school, but I left early…” Alexander winced.

His father smiled lightly. “I know, I got the call from your school. Don’t worry about it.”

Alex smiled in relief at his father’s acceptance and continued. “Then… we sort of met up. At the park.”

“How did that go?” George asked, leaning forward, his own food now forgotten.

Alex laughed humourlessly, picking up his fork to scrape the pasta around his plate. “Really shitty. Sorry. Terribly… He, uh… tried to apologize, and he really pissed me off.”

“How?”

“He – he didn’t even  _ realize  _ what he’d done,” Alex said, anger colouring his cheeks. His fork squealed against the plate and he jumped slightly at the loud noise. “W-What he’d put me through.”

“Did you tell him?” George asked softly, his brow furrowed with concern.

“Tell him what?” Alex demanded, dropping his fork again with a clatter.

“What he’d done to you? What he’d done wrong?”

“He should have  _ known, _ ” Alex griped before sighing. “But, yeah, I did, and I…”

“Did you have an attack?” George muttered.

Alex bit his lip. “Yeah. But he… helped me through it.”

George was staring at his son intently. “He knows you,” he said simply after a moment of quiet.

Alex felt a strange twisting in his stomach. “I don’t think I want him to know me.”

When his father was silent, Alex continued. “He… he’s not a good person. After all the…” he shook his head. “I just think I’m better off without him.”

“Having a soulmate is wonderful thing, Alex…” George said carefully.

“How would you know?” Alex snapped bitterly. Upon seeing the hurt on his father’s face, he immediately felt guilt bubble up at his words. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay, Alex, I know you’re upset…” George said calmly. “I know you may not trust me because I never met her… but it was wonderful while she was alive.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, glaring down at the table. “It was.”

George sighed. “I wish every day that we’d met before she passed. But she gave me you.”

“Yeah…” Alex muttered, tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of his mother.

“You have the chance to be with yours, don’t pass that up,” George said gently, touching Alex’s arm. The small teen flinched away, not wanting to let go of his rage. 

“Maybe the whole soulmate thing is just bullshit,” Alex said angrily. “You and mom were born on different fucking  _ continents  _ and she had a kid with someone else before she  _ died.  _ That’s just… You never even got to meet her!”

“Alex,” George said warningly. “Calm down.”

“And then  _ my  _ soulmate is some asshole who’s made my life miserable! Not to mention my best friends’ too…”

“Alex. Listen…”

“No, George, you listen!” Alex yelled, feeling his pent-up aggression bubble forth uncontained as he got to his feet, not gaining very much height from standing, but feeling more charged nonetheless. “This whole fucking day has just been awful! I had a fight with Laf, Thomas, and John, and now you! Basically everyone that has ever given a shit about me… oh! Except for mom, of course, but she’s not fucking here, as I’m sure you could confirm! And I’m just - I’m so tired…”

Somewhere in his rant, tears had begun to flow down the boy’s face and he began to shake uncontrollably. George got to his feet as well and pulled his son into a tight hug. Alex collapsed into his comforting embrace and let himself sob, clinging desperately.

They remained that way for a long time until the small boy’s crying ebbed and the shaking subsided.

“I’m sorry, dad…” he muttered thickly into his father’s chest before pulling away. “I’m so sorry…”

“You don’t have to apologize, Alex,” George said gently, patting his son on the shoulder. “Just get some sleep, okay?”

Alex gestured vaguely to the dirty dishes on the table in protest, but George shook his head warmly. “I’ll clean up, just please take care of yourself.”

George brushed the hair out of his son’s eyes and gave him a soft, sad smile. Alex squeezed his father in another quick hug before leaving to go to bed. At the doorway, he turned to say goodnight. The words caught in his throat when he saw George sit and buried his face in his hands, overcome with worry. Alex watched forlornly from afar. He had to witness his father break down… because of him. His eyes swam with tears again and he turned and ran to his room.

He just needed this day to be over. He’d fought too much. He’d hurt too many people. He just longed to be removed from the world. He curled into a ball on his bed, hugging his knees tightly to his chest and allowing his tears to pour freely down his face.

It was hours before the sweet release of sleep came to him.

* * *

 

“Where’s Alex?” Hercules wondered aloud, not addressing anyone in particular.

John shrugged. “He had a rough day yesterday…”

The boys were gathered around their usual picnic table, waiting for the bell to ring out and start the school day. John sat on his and Alex’s usual side of the table alone. Laf and Herc were across from him, holding hands under the table to keep a low profile. While Herc looked worried for their absent friend; Laf seemed unperturbed.

“He hates missing school, though… and he basically missed all of yesterday,” Herc interjected in a nervous tone. Laf gently cuddled into his boyfriend reassuringly.

“I am sure he’s fine, _mon_ _chou_ ,” he said softly. “Try not to worry.”

“How can you be sure?” Herc inquired, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend, but still looking out over the field for a sign of his small friend’s arrival.

“Because I called him this morning,” Laf said easily.

“You didn’t think to mention that until now?” John scoffed, but found himself extremely relieved; he’d been quite worried about the emotional state he’d left Alex in since the night before. He regretted lying to Alex, but he knew that Alex needed calm right now. Revealing his feelings wouldn’t do anyone any good. 

“Why isn’t he at school?” inquired Herc, sounding as worried as John felt.

“He did not want me to tell anyone,” Laf shrugged.

“Why not?” Herc asked indignantly. “What could he possibly tell you that he wouldn’t want to tell us?”

“Don’t be jealous, Herc,” Laf smiled, patting his boyfriend’s cheek lightly. “You know how he is.”

The bell rang, and the three boys collectively sighed. Herc scanned the field once more for any sign of Alex and shrugged dejectedly when none was found.

“Love you,” he said, checking over his shoulder to make sure no one was looking and  kissing Laf quickly. “See you at lunch.”

He walked away in a hurry, not wanting to be late for his class. It was Mr Adams’ class, and he was notoriously hard on tardiness - quite hypocritically, though no one would dare mention it.

John made to leave as well, but Laf caught him by the wrist and held him back.

“Laf, I’m gonna be late,” he whined dramatically, trying to tug himself free.

“We have the same class, John, you know Mr. Franklin is… how you say? A pushover,” Laf shrugged. “And I need to talk to you. What happened between you and Alex yesterday?”

John felt his insides go cold. “Nothing… we had a little spat, but we made up. It’s fine.”

“John.” Lafayette quirked an eyebrow at his friend. John sighed in resignation. Nothing got past Laf.

“I… may have said something I shouldn’t have... But I swear, I thought he was asleep!” John said in a rush, biting his lip. “And then… I lied and said he had dreamed it up, and then he got mad and we fought and… we did make up, I swear! But I think he was still a little mad.”

“ _ Dieu.  _ What did you say?” Lafayette asked patiently. “Did you tell him that you loved him?”

“Ye – wait, how did you know?” John asked, dumbfounded, his face flushed.

“Oh, John,” Lafayette sighed. “You should know by now that no one can keep a secret from me.”

John rolled his eyes, but decided not to push the point, and instead focus on the more pressing issues. “Did Alex tell you?”

“No, he didn’t,” Laf said, and began to walk toward class. John followed in tow. “He just told me that you came over yesterday and that he was not coming to school today. I figured out the rest.”

John blushed deeply, and Laf gave him a small smile. “John, I know you don’t have a soulmate anymore, but… Alex does.”

“Yeah, a complete asshole!” John interjected hotly.

“You don’t understand, John. They will work it out,” Laf said wisely. “They have to. They are soulmates.”

“He doesn’t want to, Laf! He told me so,” John grumbled, crossing his arms.

“John. Listen to me. They will work it out. I am sorry, but you have to move on,” Laf said firmly. John looked down at the ground, his eyes glazing with tears and his face bright red.

With a soft sigh, Laf wrapped an arm around his friend. “Sorry to be harsh, John. It is simply the truth.”

“I know,” John muttered grumpily in response. They arrived at class, and, as expected, Mr. Franklin just gave them a stern look but no punishment. Trying to keep as low a profile as possible, they took their seats near the back so they could still talk at a low volume.

“Did Alex tell you why he wasn’t coming to school?” John whispered while their teacher began to describe the various parts of the cell for what felt like the billionth time.

“Yes,” Laf said simply.

“Is it because of me?” John pressed, leaning toward his friend.

Laf smiled. “Don’t flatter yourself, John.”

“You’re seriously not going to tell me?” John whined dramatically.

“Alex didn’t want me to say, so I will not,” Laf replied with a benign smile.

“You’re the worst,” John groaned.

The rest of the day dragged by. Hercules kept checking the door of whatever room he was in, hoping Alex would come through and join their group, while John’s mood got steadily worse as Laf refused to give any more information as to their absent friend’s whereabouts.

When the last bell finally rang, their whole group was eager to leave. They gathered around John’s locker as he packed up his things. As always, John was happy that school was over, but wanted to put off going home.

“What are you guys doing now?” he asked, closing his locker and swinging his backpack over his shoulder.

“I have to work,” Herc shrugged, and John’s face fell slightly.

“I think I am going to go see Alex,” Laf said.

John felt too uneasy to ask if he could tag along. He thought he should probably let the two of them have some time alone. Besides, after his conversation with Laf, John figured it would be good to give Alex some space anyway. So that meant he had to go home. The thought made him grimace.

“You okay?” Herc asked, seeing the glowering look on John’s face.

John shrugged and Laf gave him a sympathetic look. “Does your dad work tonight?” he asked.

John gave Laf a frustrated look. He really couldn’t keep anything from him. John sighed and tried to reply casually, “No… he’ll be home,” but there was a hard edge to his voice. Herc patted his shoulder awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

“I might hang around here for a bit and do some homework,” John shrugged as they approached their usual picnic table outside. He plopped himself down on the bench and his friends looked at him sadly.

“You can come to the store if you want,” Herc offered. “My dad wouldn’t mind, I don’t think…”

“Thanks, Herc, but last time you forced me to try on a thousand outfits and I’m not ready for that kind of trauma again,” John said with chuckle.

Laf gave him a searching look, but smiled lightly. “Okay. Text us if you need anything.”

“Will do, mom,” John replied, rolling his eyes.

The boys left, hand in hand, and John stared after them wistfully. He wanted that. He wanted to have a soulmate whose hand he could hold, who he could be himself around, who could comfort him… He wished he still had his soulmate. They used to talk daily, but a few weeks into high school, they’d suddenly stopped replying to his notes and doodles. Just like that, they were gone. It had been two years of silence before John had had no choice but to assume they’d passed away.

He was completely heartbroken for ages, but, months ago, he began to fall for Alex. He knew that he was off limits, but he was endearing, handsome, smart, and… perfect. And now, Alex had found his soulmate and rejected him, giving John a faint glimmer of hope for their future.

John sighed to himself and pulled his notebook out of his bag to begin his science homework. He had just started the first question when the voice of James Madison cut through his concentration.

“Laurens,” he said coolly, and John looked up from his work in frustration to see Madison standing in front of him, flanked by the Charles Lee and Aaron Burr - the latter standing back a few feet, looking uncomfortable.

“What do you want, Madison?” John demanded, feigning offhandedness, when he was, in actuality, very much on edge.

“I just wanted to let you know that whatever Hamilton did, he really fucked Thomas over. He won’t even get out of bed. So you and your group had better make things right,” Madison said in a low but assertive voice.

John laughed humourlessly. “Are you fucking kidding me? You and your gang pick on us for years, and Hamilton says one little thing and you’re knocked flat? You  _ are _ pathetic.”

“You better take that back,” Charles growled, stepping forward and cracking his knuckles menacingly.

“Or what?” John demanded boredly, cocking an eyebrow.

“Don’t test me, faggot,” Charles snapped.

John got up, standing to his full height and glowering down at Charles. “Listen up you little shits,” he spoke at a normal volume, but rage rattled every word; his teeth setting on edge. He looked back and forth between Madison and Lee, effectively intimidating the both of them. “Frankly, I don’t give a fuck about how Thomas is feeling. As far as I’m concerned, this is all his fault. Now leave us the fuck alone, or there’ll be trouble.”

“Who’s  _ ‘us’  _ John?” Lee sneered. “You’re all alone.”

Before he could think, John felt himself shoving Lee, who stumbled back, tripping over his feet and crashing to the ground. His thin face contorted with anger, and he hastily scrambled to his feet, his face turning red. 

“What? Angry that your friends left you?” Lee spat. 

“They didn’t leave me,” John growled, instantly regretting his words. He didn’t want Lee to see that his half-assed jibes had an effect on him.

“Ooh, sensitive are we?” Lee leered, stepping up to the taller boy. “Miss your faggot friends?”

John grit his teeth, balling his fists. He could almost hear Herc warning him to calm down; feel Laf’s hand tugging him away… but Alex would fight back. John squared his shoulders, glaring at Lee with all the loathing he could muster. 

“Your boyfriend?” Lee asked wickedly, baring his teeth and grabbing John’s blank, doodle-free arm, twisting hard. 

“Charles…” Aaron said, finally stepping forward. “Stop. Let’s go.”

He placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder but Lee shrugged him off aggressively. 

“Not gonna fight me, fag?” Charles growled, inching his face closer to John’s.

“Lee!” Aaron shouted warningly. 

“Let go of me,” John demanded as Lee’s grip intensified.

“Getting off to this?” Charles jeered, nose wrinkling. 

“Was about to ask you the same thing,” John shot back. 

Charles grunted in disgust and released John’s arm, turning his back. Aaron breathed a sigh of relief, but James remained vigilant.

“C’mon, Lee, we all see the way you look at Seabury,” John spat angrily, his rage still bubbling over.

“Watch yourself, faggot,” Charles said, turning back around. 

John grinned tauntingly, latching on to his newfound pressure point. “You know I hear most homophobic fucks like you are just too pussy to come out -”

Before John could duck, the blow from Lee’s fist landed squarely on his cheekbone. Stars popped in front of his eyes as he fell backwards, cracking his head on the picnic bench and collapsing to the ground.

“Lee, what the fuck?!” Aaron cried, rushing forward and kneeling by the nearly unconscious John.

“Shit. Let’s go,” Madison said, and he and Lee scarpered off, leaving Aaron alone with the injured boy.

“Fuck, John, are you okay?” he asked anxiously, trying to examine the abrasions.

John moaned slightly, flickering in and out of consciousness.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” Aaron groaned, stroking John’s hair awkwardly. “Who should I call?”

John’s mind was working slowly, but he found the ability to mumble out the name of the person he most wanted to see at this moment.

“Alex,” he groaned before his world went dark.


	5. Honest

**_Jemmy:_ ** _ you coming to school today? _

**_Me:_ ** _ no _

**_Jemmy:_ ** _ dude what happened _

**_Me:_ ** _ nothing i’m just not feeling well _

There was no reply. Thomas cast his phone aside and threw the blankets over his head again. Heat built inside his cocoon like a sauna, causing sweat to drip down his temples. Thomas held his breath. Held it until it hurt. Till there were black spots in his vision. Then he released it, feeling the warmth bounce off his blanket and swirl back in his face. 

The warmth brought his subconscious roaring to the foreground of his mind. Alex. The first day they’d met; freshman year. The heat was sweltering. The small boy had sat next to him in class. He’d noticed him right away; his long, dark hair pulled back in a neat bun, his dark, intelligent eyes dominating his thin, underfed face. Thomas stared for a little longer than he probably should have. He told himself that it was because they were both nervous; sweating in the stuffy, sun-soaked science lab. 

“Hey,” he’d said to his table partner, shooting him a small smile. “I’m Thomas.”

“Alex,” he’d replied. His voice was shaking a little, and his words had a hint of an accent in them, but Thomas couldn’t place it. He wasn’t sure if he should shake hands with the boy or if that was too formal, so he’d leaned his elbows on the table, arms crossed. He wished he hadn’t chosen to wear long sleeves, but he didn’t want his soulmate’s anxieties on display for his entire high school to see. 

“It’s hot as fuck, huh?” Thomas laughed awkwardly, glancing over at his table partner. 

“I like it,” Alex smiled. “Better than being cold.”

“Huh,” Thomas huffed. ‘A’ was the same way. Before he could say anything else, their teacher, Mr. Franklin, had entered the room and started going over the course. The boys had said nothing else to each other, only shared a small smile as they left the class, separating to find their respective classes. 

Luckily his best friend from middle school, James, was in his next class; math. They had both chilled out a bit from their nerves that morning, and talked excitedly about their first class. James said he met a guy named Aaron who seemed cool. Thomas hadn’t mentioned Alex though he wanted to. He didn’t want to assume they’d be friends since they’d barely talked. Something about him felt important, though. 

At lunch, they decided to eat outside in the sunshine. Thomas was sweating buckets, now very much wishing he’d just washed his arm and worn a t-shirt. James said he’d seen a picnic table over by the treesy part of their yard, and they went to go find it. They ran into Aaron and invited him to eat with them.  

“Have you gotten your lockers yet?” Aaron asked once they’d sat at the table which was, thankfully, shaded by a large oak tree. He was rubbing a kink in his neck, no doubt sore from having to carry all his possessions in his backpack all morning.

“No,” James said, rolling his eyes. “I heard there was a fuck-up in assigning them, so we’ll have them last period.”

“Cool,” Aaron smiled, opening his lunch box and taking a bite of his carefully wrapped sandwich. Thomas watched with distaste, feeling jealousy boil in him. His parents had just given him lunch money. Aaron noticed Thomas’ gaze and blushed, hiding his lunchbox.

Realizing how Aaron misinterpreted the glare, Thomas made to say something, but stopped himself. There wasn’t really a point. As James and Aaron continued to talk, Thomas looked out across the yard and saw Alex with his friends; two tall, good-looking boys whose faces were lit up mid-laugh. Alex was standing on one side of the bench, clearly telling an uproariously funny story. Thomas smiled. 

“Earth to Thomas,” James said boredly, and Thomas’ head snapped back toward his friend. 

“Shut up,” he muttered, taking a bite of the to-go salad he’d bought at the bodega near the school that morning. He dropped the plastic fork almost immediately. He wasn’t in the mood for brown lettuce and squishy tomatoes. 

“Were you looking at that Alex kid?” Aaron asked shyly. Thomas looked up, unsure how to respond. He didn’t want to seem like a creep, but it sounded like Aaron could tell him more about the mystery boy.

“No,” he said sharply, deciding to lie and keep a good first impression. Aaron blushed in embarrassment. So much for a good first impression.

“I was just wondering, ‘cause… he’s in second period English with me, and… he just seems like kind of an asshole. That’s all.”

“Huh,” Thomas said, his interest piqued as he glanced back over at the rowdy table. “How so?”

Aaron shrugged, but eagerly responded to the first decent thing Thomas had said to him. “He just seems like a know-it-all. He fucking corrected the teacher on her grammar. I mean, he was right, but still…”

Thomas sniffed out a short laugh and turned back to his salad. So, he was smart, if a little cocky. He’d pegged him as sort of a shy kid… For the rest of lunch Thomas glanced over at Alex every few minutes. He liked to see him emote; laughing, feigning anger… He felt oddly drawn to him. As a friend. 

When the bell rang, they packed up their bags and walked back into the school, which seemed to have grown even hotter in the half hour they’d spent away from it. They all had the same class; Spanish. 

They found a line of three empty desks near the back of the room and sat together. Thomas settled down low in his desk, stretching his long legs out into the aisle in front of him. He opened his notebook and started doodling on the first page, thinking about A. It was his first day at school as well…

“Jesus!” Thomas felt someone trip over his protruding legs. He sat up straight in his desk to see who had fallen. His cheeks flushed as he immediately recognized the dark, shiny ponytail. The small boy picked himself up off the ground, brushing his shirt clean of dust. His face was bright red as giggles could be heard around the classroom. 

“What the fuck?” Alex demanded. 

“Alex, I -” Thomas began, horrified, but he was cut off by their teacher, señora Saez. 

“Take your seats!” she yelled. Alex turned, fuming, and went to his seat. Thomas felt guilt rise in him as he stared at the back of Alex’s head, trying to think of a way to make it up to him. 

“Wow, that’ll take him down a few pegs,” Aaron whispered in Thomas’ ear, impressed. “Nice one.”

Thomas opened his mouth to explain, but closed it again. Aaron’s praise felt good… he didn’t want to seem weak now. He sat up a bit straighter in his desk, trying to push down the guilt he felt. 

He did his best to pay attention to the teacher, though she was utterly boring him. He knew Spanish fairly well, his parents having taken him to Spain for several months when he was quite young. He’d never really forgotten the language he’d picked up then. 

“Okay, can…” the teacher checked her attendance list. “Thomas… translate ‘they/you went to the store’ for us?” 

Taken aback, Thomas sat straighter, nodding. “ _ Vosotros van a la tienda _ ,” he said clearly.

“Actually,” a voice piped up and Thomas scanned the room until he found its source. Alex. “It’s  _ ustedes. Ustedes van a la tienda. _ ”

“That’s correct,” the teacher said, gesturing to Alex with a smile. 

Thomas felt anger and jealousy claw at him. He could almost hear his parents’ disapproving admonitions, and he spoke up. “You never specified whether we were doing Spain Spanish or not,” he said, trying to keep his anger at a low temperature. 

Señora Saez’ expression turned to exasperation. “If you were listening to my introduction, Thomas, you would know that we weren’t.”

Thomas looked down at his notebook that contained only doodles and felt his cheeks alight with shame. Señora Saez continued with the lesson and Thomas sunk back down in his chair, just praying that he wasn’t called on again. 

Luckily, he wasn’t, and as soon as the bell rang, he shot out of his seat, gathering his things. His bag felt heavier than it had done before, weighing down his shoulders and causing him to perspire even more. 

Once they’d left the class, James spoke up. “You were right, Aaron. Alex is such an ass.”

Thomas didn’t react; he was angry that Alex had outsmarted him, but he kind of deserved it. Accident or not, he had tripped him in front of the whole class. On the first day. 

“Ms. Saez is boring as hell, too,” James continued, looking up at Thomas. 

Thomas smirked. “God, yeah. I bet no one could fucking pay attention.”

“True,” Aaron nodded sycophantically. Thomas smirked again. This kid seemed to want to do anything to impress him. 

They all went off to their respective classes and Thomas sat himself in the back again. His teacher this time, Mr. Adams, was a friend of his parents so he wanted to keep a low profile. Luckily enough, his classmates were all unfamiliar faces, so he had no persona to keep up.

Once Mr. Adams began his spiel about what they’d be studying that semester, Thomas rolled up his sleeve to check in with A. 

_ SOS _

“Shit…” Thomas breathed, wondering how old the writing was. 

_ Are you okay? What happened? _

He tapped his pen nervously on his notebook, the resulting muffled taps were calming to listen to. Finally, A’s familiar writing appeared.

_ I’m okay now, just… People aren’t very nice here.  _

Thomas bit his lip, his brow furrowing in sympathy. 

_ Want some stars?  _ he wrote, and A quickly responded that he would. 

Thomas began to draw stars, not bothering to put in a background, just leaving the stars themselves black. He lost himself in their creation, enjoying the way the ink seeped slightly into the miniscule lines of his skin. 

“Mr. Jefferson,” the teacher’s reedy voice suddenly cut through his concentration. 

Thomas looked up at Mr. Adams, suddenly terrified. He could tell his parents.  

“Care to pay attention?” he demanded. 

“Sorry, sir,” he replied, ducking his flaming face and rolling his sleeve down again. He shrank down in his seat, doing the best he could to pay attention. The harder he tried to focus, the more frustrated at himself he became. Mr. Adams would surely tell his parents that Thomas wasn’t paying attention. He didn’t want to be on the receiving end of their rage about that. 

By the end of the period, his throat felt tight and his rage rattled him. Mr. Adams handed out their locker numbers and combinations moments before the bell, and Thomas didn’t dare make eye contact, simply thanking the man and leaving. 

His hands shook with anger and shame as he left the classroom, seeing Mr. Adams pull out his phone and begin to type. To his parents? He didn’t want to know. He wanted to talk to A, but he didn’t want to bother him; didn’t want him to have another thing to worry about. He never did.  

Thomas tried to take calming breaths as he approached his new locker, opening the lock with shaking fingers. He began to unload his strained backpack for the first time that day, notebooks and textbooks filling every shelf.

His bag began to vibrate, and Thomas felt his heart pound. He looked at the source of the vibrations - his ringing phone - and saw his parents’ contact photo showing up on the lockscreen. The call answer button glared up at him, but he ignored the call, too angry with himself to hear the disappointment he’d caused them. 

He slammed his locker door closed angrily, leaning his head against the metal. It was warm. Just like everything else in this godforsaken building. 

“Oh, hi,” he heard from beside him, and Thomas stood straight, seeing Alex at the neighbouring locker. They shared an awkward stare for a moment - all Thomas’ apologies jamming up in his throat as he got lost in the boy’s eyes - before Alex shook his head frustratedly and opened his locker, putting his books inside.

Thomas felt guilt squirm inside him. He shouldn’t be attracted to this boy. He had A. And he should have apologized for tripping him…

Thomas was about to speak when his phone buzzed insistently. From where? Thomas huffed angrily as he realized he’d locked it inside his locker. He opened it again and checked his texts. 

**_Mom:_ ** _ Thomas. I know you’re ignoring your phone. John told us that you weren’t paying attention in class. We’ll have a talk when we get home.  _

Thomas’ teeth ground together, his self-loathing building. He wanted to scream; wanted to punch something. He slammed his locker shut again. Alex flinched before closing his own. 

“Um, Thomas?” he said. 

“What do you want?” Thomas snapped, his anger lashing out unabated. 

Alex flinched back, surprised. “Fine, fuck you then,” he muttered, turning on his heel and leaving. 

Thomas almost went after him. Almost. 

If he had, maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation now. In his cocoon of blankets. This stifling, airless vacuum of space that allowed him to hide from the world that he’d created for himself. He’d done everything wrong since the beginning. He deserved everything he was feeling now. Every bit of pain. 

“Thomas…” he heard a soft voice say. Althea. He pulled the covers off his face and rolled over to face her. His maid was staring at him with a soft, concerned look in her eyes.

“What?” he demanded in a much sharper tone than he usually used with her. If she was taken aback, she hid it well, simply crossing the room to Thomas’ dresser and digging through the very bottom drawer until she found what she was looking for. 

She approached Thomas’ bed and sat down, passing him his stuffed mockingbird. Hesitantly, he sat up in bed and took it. Once it was in his arms, he hugged it tighter, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Better?” Althea asked gently. 

“A bit,” Thomas muttered, opening his eyes and glaring down at the bed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Althea murmured, beginning to run her fingers through Thomas’ tight curls. His hair was flat on one side from having been laying down so long, and she tried to fluff it up. “Why don’t you take a shower?” she asked gently. 

Thomas shook his head and her hand left his curls. “You have to do something,” she said a little more sternly, cupping his chin and tilting his head up to look him in the eye. 

Thomas chewed his lip and her hand left his chin. 

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” she asked. 

Thomas took a deep breath but remained silent. With a sigh, Althea stood and crossed to the window, throwing the curtains wide to let in some sunlight. Thomas squinted in the sudden glow, laying back down in bed. 

“James called,” Althea said lightly, coming back to his bedside. Thomas sat up again to look at her. 

“When?” he demanded. Althea shot him a sharp look at his frustrated tone. He breathed in deeply, and spoke much more calmly; “When?”

“Just before I came in. He was asking why you weren’t coming to school.”

“Oh,” Thomas said, his voice lacking any emotion. “What did you say?”

“I told him something that Alex boy said really upset you -”

“This isn’t Alex’s fault,” Thomas stated sharply. 

Althea knitted her eyebrows together frustratedly. “What was I supposed to say? You haven’t told me anything.”

Thomas glared down at the bed again, picking at his satin sheets. His mockingbird was laying beside him.  Suddenly Althea’s gentle hand was on Thomas’ arm, pulling back his sleeve. Her cold fingers found the dark, angry bruises he had put there since the day before. He pulled his arm sharply out of her grasp, yanking his sleeve down to cover the marks.

“Thomas -”

“I’ll take a shower,” Thomas muttered, getting out of bed and brushing past her to enter the washroom. He turned the shower as hot as it would go before he stepped in. 

***

When Alex heard the knock on his door, his heart immediately leapt into his throat. his dad was at work, leaving Alex at home alone, and he really wasn’t in the mood to socialize. Too nervous and self-conscious to answer their knock, Alex made the decision to let them assume no one was home and leave. Before Alex could cozy himself further into his cocoon of blankets, however, he heard the door open.

_ “C’est moi!”  _ Laf called. Alex’s hammering heart slowed in relief and he smiled slightly, hauling himself out of bed to go greet his best friend. He caught sight of his appearance in the mirror on the way and grimaced. His hair was dishevelled, and he was wearing his most comfortable – therefore ugliest – pair of pyjamas.

After trying in vain to fix his appearance, he left his room. Laf was waiting at the end of the hall for Alex to emerge, leaning against the wall casually. His face lit up as alex appeared and he rushed toward his friend, immediately enveloping him in a warm hug. Alex gratefully cuddled into his friend’s arms and felt his constant worry fading slightly.

“ _ Comment ça-va? _ ” Laf asked, stepping back and examining his friend’s face intently.

Alex shrugged in response and was pulled into another tight hug. He felt Laf’s hand stroke his hair softly, and found himself grinning. When they pulled away again, Laf smiled in satisfaction at the calm look on his short friend’s face.

“Have you eaten?” Laf asked, wandering into the kitchen to browse for snacks.

“Yeah, I had an apple…” Alex shrugged.

“When?”

“… this morning,” Alex muttered, looking down at the floor. He felt a hand touch his face and tilt it upwards to look into Laf’s.

“ _ Chou,  _ you have to eat. It is no wonder you are so short,” Laf chuckled, but there was real worry behind his eyes.

“Hey, I’m average!” Alex cried indignantly, rolling up his shoulders to appear taller.

“Of course you are,  _ cher _ ,” Laf agreed absentmindedly, digging through cupboards until he found what he wanted. He began to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for his friend. He prepared it quickly and cut off all the crusts before passing it to Alex. “I know it is not fine dining, but you must eat.”

“Thanks, mom,” Alex laughed and sat at the table. As soon as he took a bite, his ravenous hunger was realized and he began to eat very quickly.

“How was therapy?” Laf asked gently, satisfied that his friend was eating.

“It was okay,” Alex shrugged, polishing off the sandwich and licking his fingers. 

“I expected you to come to school once you were done,” Lafayette hedged, leaning forward and propping his head up on his hands.

“I… didn’t feel like it,” Alexander mumbled in response, training his eyes on the grain of the table. “Was Thomas there?”

“No. I have not seen him since debate club.”

Alex only nodded in response, finishing his sandwich and taking his plate to the sink. As he rinsed it, Laf approached and leaned against the counter to look at Alex.

“What happened, Alex?” Laf asked softly. 

Alex bit his lip, abandoning the plate. “It was just… you… you expect your soulmate to be someone perfect, you know? Like you and Herc just… clicked. It was easy. And…”

“It wasn’t easy,” Laf corrected gently. Alex glanced at him questioningly, and he continued. “I did not know how to speak English very well… I could write it, but not speak it. For the first few months that I was here, we spent time together, but we could not talk properly.”

“That’s not that bad, though. I mean… he met you at the damn airport when you were  _ ten  _ years old. You know everything about each other.”

Laf shrugged. “That does not mean it was easy. Thomas knows everything about you.”

Alex felt his insides squirm uncomfortably, crossing the kitchen to lean on the counter opposite Laf. He crossed his arms over his stomach, wishing he hadn’t eaten the sandwich. 

“I guess,” he shrugged. “But I don’t know much about him.”

“Sure you do…”

“No, I really don’t. Clearly ‘T’ and Thomas are very different people,” Alex muttered. 

“Clearly, there is something wrong there. But that does not mean he doesn’t love you. You are soulmates.”

“I don’t really want to talk about this,” Alex murmured after a moment, Laf’s words creating a stormcloud of anxious thoughts in his mind. 

“Okay,” Laf said gently, looking down at the kitchen floor. 

Alex crossed the tiny kitchen again and began to clean the still dirtied plate, pouring out an exorbitant amount of dish soap and watching it bubble and foam. 

“John was upset that you were not at school,” Laf stated calmly, and the plate in Alex’s hand clattered to the base of the sink, soap flying into the air and decorating Alex’s peach-fuzz and eyebrows.

“Oh?” Alex squeaked as casually as he could. Laf smiled as he dotingly brushed the suds from the small boy’s face.

“Do you also not want to talk about that?” he asked slyly. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Alex asked as casually as he could, regaining some of his composure though his voice was still unnaturally high. 

Laf smiled, opening his mouth to say something more, but his phone rang, cutting him off. He looked down and smiled, answering it. 

“Hello,  _ chéri _ ,” he chirped cheerfully into the phone.

“Hey babe, how’s Alex?” Herc asked. 

Laf brushed past the small teen who was still vigorously scrubbing the already spotless dish. He left the kitchen and went to the hall, speaking at a low level. 

“He seems… off.”

“How so?” 

“Just…” Laf felt a tug at his heart. He wanted to be loyal to his friend, but honest to his soulmate. He bit his lip. “He has been alone all day. Normally when he is alone he talks to…”

“Right,” Herc sighed. “Are you gonna stay over there tonight?”

“Maybe,” Laf shrugged. “I’m not sure if he would want me to.”

“Try to cheer him up,” Herc suggested. “Tell him that my dad is making him a jacket.”

“Is he?” Laf giggled.

“Yup,” Herc laughed. “He had a tiny bit of fabric left and he said Alex was the only person he knew small enough to fit into a coat made out of it. Maybe don’t tell him that part.”

“I will not,” he laughed in response. 

“I’ve gotta get back to work now, but… look, I know Alex needs your help but… like…”

“Like?” Laf questioned despite knowing where his boyfriend was going with this. 

“Take care of yourself, first, right?” Herc asked worriedly. 

“I will,” Laf smiled. 

“Promise?” he asked, a far-off incoherent shout quickly following. “COMING, DAD! Shit, I gotta go. Love you.”

“I love you too,” Laf smiled, hanging up the phone. He went back into the kitchen where Alex had finally given up on cleaning the plate and was draining the sink. 

“Going back to what we were, uh… talking about before,” Alex said as casually as he could once Laf had entered. “Um… were you saying that John… missed me today?”

Laf smiled. “Yes… Why do you ask?”

“No reason,” Alex said quickly, but a shy smile had appeared on his face, a small blush rising in his cheeks. 

The smiled dropped off Laf’s face and he tugged his bottom lip between his teeth. “Tread lightly, Alex. He is more fragile than you think,” he said knowingly. 

Alex opened his mouth to respond but, as if on cue, his shrill ringtone pierced the room. They both looked around for the source of the noise, and found it under some papers on the kitchen counter.

“It’s John,” Alex said, his face flushing. He hit the power button to cease the shrill ring.

“You are not answering it?” Laf inquired, his eyebrows spiking to his hairline in surprise.

“I’m treading lightly,” Alex deadpanned with a shrug. Lafayette rolled his eyes in response.

“You are so dramatic, Al–” he began, but Alexander’s phone rang out again, cutting him off. They both stared at it, their worry growing, before Laf spoke. “Please pick it up this time.”

Alex nodded nervously and answered it, his fingers shaking slightly. “John, what’s wrong?” he asked, anxiety creeping into his voice.

“It’s Aaron, actually...” an awkward voice drifted through the speaker and Alexander’s throat constricted in fear.

“Where’s John? What happened?” he cried, causing Laf to look up sharply in concern.

“Uh… fuck… Lee punched him… I think he’s concussed… shit,” Aaron said, his voice drifting away from the phone every now and then. “He keeps passing out and waking up again… I don’t know what to do.”

“Call a fucking ambulance!” Alex all but screamed, his worry overwhelming him. He suddenly felt Laf’s arms around him and the phone was eased out of his hands. Alex curled his head into his French friend’s chest, willing himself not to give over to panic.

“Aaron.” Laf’s voice was calm and collected. “What is going on?”

“John… concussion, I think… keeps telling me not to call an ambulance.”

“ _ Merde.  _ He does not have the insurance…” Alex looked up from his friend’s chest, his eyes wide with panic. Lafayette shushed him softly and began to give Aaron instructions. “Tell John I will pay for it. Call the ambulance. We will meet you at the hospital.”

Lafayette hung up and touched Alex’s face, while still embracing him with the other arm. “Are you okay,  _ chou _ ?” he asked gently, steadily looking into his friend’s wet eyes, perturbed by his sudden hysteria.

“Yeah,” Alex nodded. “I’m just… fuck. Let’s just go.”

He extricated himself from Laf’s arms and made his way to the door to pull on his shoes. Lafayette followed, watching his friend carefully for any signs of an oncoming attack.

“Laf, let’s go!” he cried impatiently as Laf slowly tied up his shoes.

“Hold on, Alex…” Laf shushed, straightening up. He gave his friend a once over, taking in his jittering frame, his wide, red-rimmed eyes, and his quivering hands. “Have you taken your medication today?”

“ _ Yes _ , now let’s go!” he cried impatiently.

“I am right behind you,” Lafayette said, still scrutinizing his friend’s behaviour. He sighed in resignation and pulled the door closed behind him as they left for the hospital.


	6. Fine

John’s vision was fading in and out, blackness intruding in his peripheral vision. He should stay awake. Wasn’t there something about staying awake? He opened his eyes a little bit more and the sun blazed into them, making him groan.

“The ambulance is on its way,” Aaron said softly to John, hanging up the phone at the dispatcher’s instruction. John hadn’t been aware he was on the phone. How long was Aaron on the phone for? Aaron was sitting cross legged, John’s head in his lap, his fingers gently stroking John’s curly locks. They felt wet… with blood? John didn’t want to think like that. He instead focused on the calming strokes of Aaron’s fingers. The steady rhythm soothed him. Made him forget about the pain in his head.

Wait. An ambulance.

“No…” John said, furrowing his brow. He couldn’t quite recall why, but he had a strong feeling that an ambulance was a bad idea... “Can’t…” 

Aaron shushed him. “I already told you, Laf is paying for it.”

John’s eyes opened in surprise. He remembered now. They’d talked about this. His heart started pounding. Why couldn’t he remember anything?

“Do you want me to call your dad?” Aaron asked gently.

Something about that sounded strange, but John couldn’t put his finger on it, except… Why would Aaron assume he had a single father? But… Aaron had asked him a question. John’s mind chugged slowly, trying to recall what had been asked of him. His dad. Should Aaron call him. 

“No,” he said quietly. How long had it been since the question? He wasn’t sure. “No, don’t call my dad.”

“Okay,” Aaron muttered, twisting a soft, brown ringlet around his finger gently. John loved the feeling of his hair being touched. It was soothing, calming. John tried to focus on only the good feelings ignoring the throbbing in the back of his head. There was someone missing, though. Someone that should be with him instead of Aaron...

“Where’s Alex?” John asked after a moment of quiet.

“Like I said, he’s meeting us at the hospital,” Aaron answered patiently, still stroking his hair. John felt uneasiness settle in him. He’d forgotten something again. At least Aaron was being kind. Aaron?

“Why… why are you being so nice to me?” John inquired before yawning tiredly, his eyelids heavy. Aaron tapped his face to keep him awake, and John sighed before continuing. “You hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Aaron said immediately. “Not at all.”

John’s brow furrowed, and he had trouble getting out a response. “O…kay. I don’t hate you, either…”

Though his eyes remained sad, Aaron’s face lit up with a small smile and he shushed John kindly. “You don’t have to lie, John,” he said with a self-deprecating laugh. “I know you hate my guts.”

John shook his head dopily, trying to formulate coherent thoughts. He truly didn’t mind Aaron. He wasn’t usually the perpetrator of the attacks on him and his friends. “You’re the nicest of all y’all motherfuckers…” he muttered, and Aaron stifled a laugh.

Before he could say anything, Aaron’s head snapped up at the sound of a loud siren approaching. John winced as the shrill, piercing alarm reverberated around his throbbing head. He heard Aaron breathe a small sigh of relief, but stayed put, apparently not wanting to disturb John’s position. The ambulance pulled up in the school parking lot, and two paramedics raced out to where Aaron was cradling John’s injured head.

“Out of the way, please,” one of them instructed, pointing at Aaron. Taken aback, he gently lifted John’s head out of his lap. The paramedic smoothly put her hand under his neck to support the weight, and Aaron shuffled backward to get out of the way, watching awkwardly from a few feet away.

He felt removed from the world as he watched John be limply hoisted onto a stretcher and taken to the ambulance. Aaron followed behind them, feeling a little lost.

“There’s a seat in there for you,” one of the paramedics said kindly, and Aaron shot them a grateful smile, awkwardly clambering into the van and taking a seat next to John. Feeling out of place, he looked down at his own hands, resting limply in his lap, and his eyes widened. They were spattered with blood. 

“Here, clean your hands,” the paramedic said, passing him a disinfectant wet wipe before continuing to hook John up to a heart monitor. Aaron gratefully took it and wiped the blood off his palms, looking back up at the paramedic a little helplessly.

“My name’s Nat,” they said warmly.

“I’m Aaron,” he replied, his eyes now training on John.

“Is he your boyfriend?” they asked, placing another pillow under John’s head to keep it elevated.

Aaron’s cheeks darkened. “Uh – no… just…” he stuttered.

“Woah, sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out,” they laughed easily, and Aaron sighed in relief.

“Where’s Alex?” John groaned, and Nat turned to look at Aaron questioningly.

“Alex is meeting us at the hospital, John,” Aaron patiently repeated.

“Who’s Alex?” Nat asked.

“They’re best friends,” he said, his voice a little tight. “He was the first person I called, actually.” Aaron smiled lightly, then gazed back down at John, the worry plain on his face. “I’ve told him like ten times that Alex is meeting us there, but he keeps forgetting.”

“That’s… not good,” Nat replied. “That he’s forgetting, I mean. I’ll definitely mention that to the doctor when we get to the hospital.”

Aaron’s insides twisted with worry and guilt, and he bit his lip. Why the fuck didn’t he stop Lee sooner? If John was badly hurt, he’d never forgive himself… Thankfully, they soon arrived at the hospital, and Aaron was  saved from his worried subconscious as forms were thrust in his hands. He looked down at the clipboard full of questions he didn’t know how to answer, feeling panic rising. John couldn’t be admitted if they weren’t complete. 

He did his best to answer with the information he knew, and managed to complete more than he’d expected, but when it came to the insurance information, he had to call up Alex’s phone again and get him to relay Laf’s information.

“Is that all?” Alex asked once Aaron had scratched in the last number.

“Yes,” Aaron said with a relieved smile. “Thank you, Al-”

The phone had gone dead. Aaron bit his lip, dropping the dead phone into his backpack again and standing to give the receptionist the completed forms. Apparently, Laf’s family had an excellent insurance plan, because John was admitted almost immediately to a private room. Aaron awkwardly waited in a chair outside the room while they examined him. He was perturbed by the silence from James and Charles. He bit his lip again; they were probably pretty pissed that he’d stayed with John. They would think he would rat on them… Aaron pulled out his phone, scrolling mindlessly through social media to cease the swirling negative thoughts in his brain. He was fairly sure he should leave. He couldn’t be a part of John’s life. Not after everything… but he stayed rooted to the uncomfortable chair anyway, shooting a text to his uncle to tell him that he’d be home late.

He waited about fifteen minutes in that very spot -trying to ignore the horrid sterile smell of the glaringly white hallway - before Lafayette and Alexander showed up, the latter running full tilt. He skidded to a stop outside of John’s room and tried to peek through the small window. He sighed dejectedly when he found he couldn’t see anything of gravity.

“Aaron, how is John?” Laf asked calmly, taking a seat beside him.

Aaron gnawed his lip guiltily. “I  _ think _ he’s okay. I don’t really know much… I’ve just been waiting here. But - in the ambulance - he kept forgetting things… the doctors have been looking at him for like twenty minutes or something...” he trailed off awkwardly, realizing he’d let himself babble.

“Thank you for staying with him, Aaron,” Laf said genuinely, touching him on the arm. Aaron shot back a small smile, but his eyes were full of sadness.

“It’s the least I could do,” he shrugged.

“You can go now,” Alexander suddenly said harshly, cutting the short silence. Aaron glanced up at Alex, reminded surprisingly viscerally of the way Thomas sometimes spoke to others. The short teen glared back coldly. 

“Alex!” Laf reprimanded in a shocked voice. “Aaron is the one who brought John here! We should be thanking him.”

“Thanks!” Alex said sarcastically. “You can go now.”

Aaron glared at him for a moment before standing with a resigned sigh and grabbing his backpack from the floor. His eyes flickered over Alexander’s livid face and then to Laf’s apologetic one. 

He turned to go, knowing it wasn’t his place to comment on Alex’s behaviour. He may not have liked the kid, but in this, he was justified. Aaron deserved to be punished for everything he’d put John through… Taking a deep breath to steel himself, Aaron turned back around. 

“Can you… will you let me know if he’s okay?” Aaron asked awkwardly, being careful to maintain eye contact with only Laf; avoiding the knife-throwing glare from Alex.

Laf nodded. “Of course. Thank you, Aaron,” he said sincerely, and Aaron smiled, giving an awkward little wave before turning to leave the hospital. 

Alex plopped down into the now vacated chair, folding his arms in a huff.

“Was that really necessary, Alex?” Laf sighed, glancing over at his friend.

“He may have stayed with John, but he had the chance to stop it,” Alex scowled. “And he didn’t. That prick was asking for it.”

Lafayette was about to respond, but stopped himself. Alex was not in a good place mentally; he probably couldn’t handle another altercation. Rather than pressing the point, Laf pulled out his phone and began to text Herc, who had been anxiously asking for updates.

Alex stared longingly at the loving smile Laf gave his phone and huffed again, sinking lower in his chair. He wished he had that. Someone he could love unconditionally and that would love him back in the same way. That’s what soulmates were supposed to be. Or so he thought. All he knew is that he wanted it. But did he want it with Thomas? He had wanted it with T, but now…

Alex’s brows knit together as he thought deeply. T was the only person he felt truly comfortable talking to about anything. Well, the only living person. And T had always been there to listen, to comfort him. But… what had gone on in T’s life? He’d always seemed to gloss over questions about himself. Turn all focus on Alex. And that had made him feel heard, feel loved… but now Alex desperately wished he’d asked more about T. Maybe Thomas had more depth to him than he thought… but would that change anything about how he felt? Would he be able to trust Thomas? Be in a relationship with him? 

Alex squeezed his arms tightly around his stomach. He vaguely realized he was hungry, but then felt too queasy to mention anything to Laf. He was far too preoccupied with thoughts of Thomas. He wanted to trust him. Wanted to  _ want  _ to be with him, but there were too many bad memories attached to him. If he was being honest with himself, the only people he truly trusted were his father, Eliza, Herc, Laf, and… John. The thought of the freckled teen brought butterflies to Alex’s stomach. What he wished he wanted with Thomas he wanted with John. In fact he hadn’t been able to get his mind of John since the night before.

And he was sure John loved him back, no matter how much he denied it.

“Alex?” a voice said suddenly, breaking through his reverie. “Is one of you Alex?”

Alexander stood up and nodded at the doctor who was asking for him.

“That’s me,” he said with only the slightest of tremors in his voice.

“John is asking to see you,” he said, beckoning Alex to enter the hospital room. As he followed, he felt Laf’s hand gently reach up and squeeze his own. Alex looked back at his friend gratefully as the door shut between them. 

Once in the room, Alex felt nerves wash over him. The beeping of the hospital machines and the glaring lights brought him crashing back to Nevis. Lying next to his mother. Alex suddenly found the air a little difficult to breathe. With all his summoned strength, he looked past the doctor, eyes falling on John. His mouth popped open as he took in the state his friend was in. His whole cheek was swollen and bruised, gauze - stained unsettlingly red - was wrapped around the back of his head, and he had a faraway look on his face.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Alex asked in a choked voice, rushing over to John’s side and beginning to stroke his hair in a gentle rhythm.

“Yes, he’ll be fine. He does have a concussion, but he’ll make a full recovery soon. He just needs to take it easy for a while,” the doctor smiled warmly.

“Why does he look so spaced out?” Alex demanded, a bit of hysteria creeping into his voice.

“He’s on some pain medication right now, but he’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

“Okay…” Alex said uncertainly, looking dotingly upon his friend.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” the doctor said, excusing himself from the room.

Feeling his anxiety begin to make him sweat, Alex rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. He was shocked to find writing there.

_ Is John okay? _

_ James told me what happened. _

_ I’m so sorry. _

_ Talk to me. _

_ How is he? _

T’s writing, once so comforting, now caused him nothing but frustration. Alex dug in his pocket for a pen and pressed it to his skin.

_ Fine. He’s fine.  _ Alex scrawled back, and rolled his sleeves down again. He didn’t want to look at Thomas’ words.

He turned his attention back to the semi-conscious boy, his heart hammering nervously. The fluorescent lighting in the room was making his head pound.  “You okay, Jack?” he asked gently.

A small smile lit up John’s face. “Mmhmm,” he mumbled.

“I swear to God I’ll beat the shit out of Lee,” Alex said angrily, his voice coming out clear though he was still shaking.

“Nah, don’t want you getting in trouble…” John laughed lightly before his face grew serious, his eyes opening slightly wider than before. “Alex, I have to tell you something.”

The words caused Alex’s pulse to race even faster, his palms becoming slick with sweat. He needed to breathe. Alex sucked in air through his nose and nodded for John to continue. “Okay.”

“I… lied,” John muttered, and Alex’s eyes widened.

“About what?” Alex demanded, his heart practically beating out of his chest.  

“Yesterday,” John muttered groggily, struggling to keep his eyes open. “You... weren’t dreaming.”

Alex felt his heart beat a rapid tattoo against his chest. He let out a small breath, his lips parting slightly. Before he could stop himself, he’d leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to John’s plush lips, feeling warmth pool in his stomach at the contact.

A heavy hand made its way to Alex’s hair, and he pulled in closer, their kiss deepening despite the pain John felt in his jaw. 

They only broke apart when the door to the room slammed open. Nearly jumping out of his skin, Alex turned – hair dishevelled, lips swollen, and eyes blown wide – to see Thomas standing in the doorway. He looked bedraggled and tired, but there was a furious fire raging behind his eyes.

His voice came out in a low growl. “Fine, huh?”


	7. Okay

“Thomas –” Alex began, standing up immediately. If his heart was beating fast before, it was barely pausing now; a lightning quick hum, making Alex’s ears ring. Trying to remain calm, he held his hands out defensively toward Thomas.

“Are you…?” Thomas trailed off, the fire behind his eyes abating as hurt replaced it. “You and John?”

Looking into his soulmate’s eyes, Alex felt his heart shatter. Every reason to distrust Thomas seemed miniscule; unimportant… they were soulmates. Alex’s eyes filled up with tears and he took an unsteady step in Thomas’ direction as if pulled by gravity.  As he approached, anger, sorrow, regret, and pain all came bubbling up, making it difficult to breathe. He clutched his arms tightly around his middle, blood rushing in his ears as he stopped walking toward his soulmate. He needed to get out of there. Needed to leave this complicated mess. Needed air. Since when was it so hard to breathe?

“Alex?” John’s soft voice broke the silence, and Alex turned around to look at the injured boy, his heart breaking again. Thomas had hurt him. John would take care of him. He stepped back toward John, his head beginning to pound, but then felt a hand touching his shoulder. He whipped his head back to see Thomas gazing at him with concern.

“Are you okay?” he asked in a low voice, his tired eyes full of worry for his soulmate.

All of Alex’s confused emotions morphed into anger and he roughly shoved Thomas’ hand off his shoulder.

“No!” he cried, and he felt a dark satisfaction as Thomas flinched. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to show up here and fuck this up, Thomas. My life doesn’t concern you anymore, okay? You’ve done nothing but hurt me,” Alex said, his voice becoming strangled as his ability to breathe was completely lost.

He felt his stomach twist anxiously, his anger and sadness becoming a churning swill of discomfort in his stomach. He stumbled backward dizzily and Laf, who had been watching nervously from the door, decided it was his time to make an appearance. He was at Alex’s side in an instant, holding him upright.

“You should go, Thomas,” Laf said. His voice was colder than either Alex or John had ever heard it. “You have caused enough damage today.”

Frustrated tears sparkled in Thomas’ eyes as he grabbed two fistfuls of his wild hair. “When are you going to realize I’m not doing this on purpose?” he yelled angrily. “This isn’t my fault!”

“Leave. Please,” Laf said calmly, giving him a cold stare.

“But I –”

“Listen Jefferson!” Lafayette yelled, and everyone in the room jumped. “It does not matter whether you think it is your fault. All that matters is that Alex is hurt and you being here is just making that worse! Please. Go.”

Jefferson’s eyes flicked pleadingly to Alex, whose face was still buried in Laf’s chest. Watching his soulmate in pain, Thomas released a nearly inaudible sob.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered before leaving the room. He closed the door softly, and Alex looked up then, staring at the spot where Jefferson had been standing, anxiety and hurt still gathering in his throat, his heart having slowed only slightly by Laf’s presence.

“Are you okay?” Laf asked gently, running a hand through Alex’s hair. The small teen nodded, but he seemed distant and unfocused, shaking slightly. 

“Alex?” John called groggily from the bed, and Alex whipped his head back around to look at his friend. “Come here,” he demanded softly, lifting his arms off the bed and holding them wide.

Alex crossed the room and sat on the hospital bed, allowing himself to be pulled into the comforting embrace. Immediately he felt nauseating guilt overwhelm him, and his air was again in short supply. All he wanted was for John to be happy, but instead he had caused him nothing but misery. Everything was his fault. He let out a soft gasp, muted slightly by John’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, John,” he cried, desperately grabbing at the thin hospital gown, panic overtaking him.

“Shh, Alex, calm down,” John mumbled, ignoring the throbbing pain in his cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Alex shook his head, unable to come up with the words to tell John all that he’d done; explain his guilt. He felt panic and anxiety rack his body. He needed air... but he couldn’t get through this alone… He wanted T’s stars. Wanted his mother’s embrace. He clung tightly to John, wishing it would help; knowing it wouldn’t.

Suddenly Alex felt a hand rubbing soothing circles on his back; Laf had joined them on the bed. The touch was comforting, and, as much as he wanted John’s embrace to be enough, it wasn’t quelling his panic. He leaned fully into Laf’s touch, feeling his friend’s arms wrap around him comfortingly as he began to mutter soft, comforting words in French. Alex felt his heartrate begin to slow, and breath hissed through his tightly clenched teeth as his panic subsided. He felt Laf sigh in relief.

Alex sat up, trying to keep his breaths calm and steady. John’s hand gently took hold of his own, squeezing it comfortingly. A light knock on the door startled all three of the boys, and Laf got up to answer it. Alex hadn’t realized that Laf’s arm had been around him until it was gone; he felt suddenly cold. As soon as the door was open, Herc rushed in. He gawked for a moment at John and Alex holding hands, and Laf sucked his teeth before filling him in.

“They kissed,” Laf said plainly at a low volume. “And Thomas was here.”

The two soulmates stared at each other for a moment, having a silent conversation with their eyes, then Herc crossed the room to the bed. He placed a hand on Alex’s back, making him jump; having been too spaced out to truly register Herc’s presence.

“Hey bud,” Hercules smiled. “Let’s go for a walk.” Gently, he pulled Alex up from the bed and placed him on the ground. When he swayed slightly, Herc spun around to give him a piggy back ride. Alex clambered sluggishly onto his friend's back and hung on with a loose grip.

“Get him some food please,  _ amour, _ ” Lafayette said in a worried tone. “And water.”

Hercules pecked his boyfriend on the lips. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him.” He hoisted Alex higher on his hips and carried him out of the hospital room with a knowing glance at Laf.

“Can you think clearly?” Laf asked once he and John were alone in the room.

“Uh, yeah… I’m fine,” John shrugged, then winced in pain as he leaned back onto his pillow. "Why?"

"You kissed Alex? What were you thinking?" Laf cried in exasperation.

"Hey,  _ he  _ kissed  _ me _ , okay?" John protested. "He doesn't want anything to do with Thomas, and we both... really like each other. I don't see what the problem is."

"You do not see the problem?" Laf repeated, baffled. "You’re in a hospital bed and Alex just had a panic attack, John! Do you really think this is the best time?"

"Hey! The panic attack was Thomas' fault, not mine!" he countered, crossing his arms defiantly.

"Do not be so childish!” Laf snapped. “Neither of you are in a good place right now. And this is how Alex is. If you and Alex are together, that is your life. He is fragile, no matter how much he may deny it. You have to be there for him. Constantly."

"I know how to deal with his anxiety; we all do. And I have my own problems too. We can help each other."

"You know how to deal with it when we are all together. But if you are dating, he will be dependant on you. He will always need  _ you; _ come to  _ you. _ Can you handle that, really?"

John rolled his eyes. "You're making this out to be a bigger deal than it is. I know Alex. Really well."

"Answer the question, John!" Lafayette bellowed, and John flinched back against his pillow, the shout ringing in his ears. Immediately Laf’s eyes widened with regret. "I'm sorry... I did not mean to yell at you. I –  _ dieu –  _ I simply need you to understand what you would be taking on."

"You're not our parent, Laf. We can date if we want to."

"I never said you could not! I just want Alex to be safe. And you too. He is a lot to handle."

"We're all a lot to handle, Gil," John said, and Laf winced at the use of his real name. "And stop talking about him like he's a child. He doesn't need your pity."

"Maybe not my pity, but my attention. And yours too. I just need to know if you can handle him?"

Before John could answer, however, the door opened, revealing Herc- holding a cardboard tray of tea for everyone - and Alex following in tow. His face had regained some colour, and he looked slightly more situated in reality than before.

"Alex! How're you feeling?" John asked, shooting a silencing glare at Laf before grinning at his short friend.

"I should be asking you that!" Alex replied, rushing over to John's side. He took his friend’s hand, his brow furrowed. He spoke in a low, urgent tone, his eyes full of concern. "I'm really sorry I freaked out. You don’t need to deal with that shit right now... Is your head okay? Do you need anything?"

John let out a small laugh. "I'm fine. And please don't apologize, sweetheart," John smiled, running his fingers through Alex's hair. Laf and Herc shared a worried glance.

Alex backed away from John’s touch slightly, biting his lip. "Can we talk for a bit?" he asked in a nervous voice.

"Of course," John muttered, squeezing Alex’s hand before looking over at Laf and Herc. "Guys, can you give us a minute?"

Nervously, Laf and Herc left the room, leaving the tray of teas on John's bedside table. Alex grabbed a cup out of the tray and began to sip it, biding his time before he had to speak.

John took a deep breath. "So... What's going on?"

"I really like you, John. But shit is really complicated right now. And... I know..." Alex took a deep breath, closing his eyes to gather his thoughts. John noticed his hands were quivering. "I know I'm not the easiest person t- to... I’m… fuck."

Alex stopped speaking to collect himself, and John felt his heart break. He clutched Alex's hands tightly, in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.

"I'm a total fuck-up," Alex continued once he'd slightly regained his composure. "And... I get depressed and anxious and I lash out, and that's... not easy to be around. So... if you can't handle that, I totally get it, and just tell me right now and we can pretend nothing ever happened."

John's heart pounded. Had Alex heard Laf's words? He was repeating them almost verbatim, sounding completely broken. John steeled himself.

"Alex... I love you. I want to be with you whatever that entails, okay?" John said gently, and pulled Alexander's head toward him, locking their lips together in a short but sweet kiss. When they broke apart, John used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tear that had fallen onto Alex's cheek.

"Okay," Alexander whispered back, a small smile gracing his lips. "I love you too."

John grinned at Alex’s declaration, then winced in pain as his cheek throbbed. He scooched to one side of the bed and Alex lay down next to him, cuddling up close.

"I'm sorry you got punched because of me," Alex muttered, his voice muffled by John's chest.

"It wasn't your fault Alex, it's fine," John replied, kissing his new boyfriend's head. "The doctor says I'll be fine."

Before Alex could say anything in return, his phone rang out shrilly, making him jump. He looked at it and swore to himself.

"Dad, I'm so sorry," he said into the phone as soon as he picked up, his words coming out in a rush. "We got a call that John was hurt so Laf – sorry – Gil drove us to the hospital, and John's okay. He has a concussion, though, so we're all with him, and I'm so sorry I must have totally freaked you out - "

"Alex, breathe," his father said calmly, and he did his best to do as instructed. John's kiss to his forehead aided the process as well.

"Sorry," he repeated into the phone.

"Don't apologize, son. Gilbert texted me about an hour ago so I wouldn't worry. I called because John's father had no clue where his son was, and I had to get an earful from him."

"Oh, shit," Alex breathed, sitting up sharply. "Um... should I get John to call him?"

"I think that would be a good start," George said. "Now, do you want me to pick you up? Or do you need anything?"

"Um... I was thinking I might spend the night," Alex replied. "Is that okay?"

There was a short silence on the other end. "I'll bring you your PJs, okay?"

"Thanks, dad," Alex smiled. 

"Of course. See you in a bit."

Alexander hung up before turning to John with a grimace on his face. "You have to call your dad."

John winced, then groaned in pain as his cheek smarted. "Can I borrow your phone?" he asked.

Alexander passed it over without hesitation, but gave John a concerned look as he dialled the number. Both their hearts pounded nervously as it rang.

"John where the fuck have you been?" an angry voice shouted after one ring. John flinched, and Alexander held his hand comfortingly. "You don't come home from school and I have to hear from  _ George Washington  _ where the fuck you are! You want to explain to me how your friend's adoptive father knows where you are before your real one does?"

John began to shake slightly, biting his top lip to steady himself. "Dad, I'm so sorry... I got hit, and I went to the hospital..."

"How the fuck do you expect me to pay for that, John? Jesus Christ! You think I'm made of money?"

"No... I... Laf is paying for it," John muttered, scrunching his eyes closed as if that could lessen the intensity of his father's rage.

"We don't need your friend's charity, John! Fuck... Let me pick you up," he said exasperatedly.

"The doctor told me I had to spend the night..." John protested.

"And run your tab even higher? Don’t be stupid John, you're coming home tonight."

"Okay," John whispered weakly, his head beginning to throb.

"I'll be there soon," his dad said before the line disconnected.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked once the phone was dead. John nodded slightly in response. "Is your dad coming?"

"Yeah."

"Okay... I'll get Herc and Laf." Alex pushed himself off the bed and popped his head out the door. "You guys... John's dad is coming. Can you get the doctor?"

Laf nodded and ran to grab him while Herc re-entered the hospital room. "You okay, John?" He asked gently.

John nodded and then groaned in pain at the motion. "Yeah. Thanks, Herc."

Laf then entered the room, the doctor trailing a few feet behind. "I hear you need an early check-out, John?"

"Uh... yeah. I do," he muttered awkwardly. Alex crossed the room and took his boyfriend's hand comfortingly.

“Well, it’s not advised, but if your guardian feels adamantly about it, we can’t stop you. Please just be sure to get lots of rest, stay hydrated and well-nourished, and log your symptoms. Take this prescription,” he passed John a slip of paper, “twice a day, with food. If you have any more memory loss, make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.”

Laf was taking notes on his forearm, and Herc smiled slightly as the instructions appeared on him as well. “I’ll type these up and text them to you when I get home, okay?” Herc said to John, who nodded distantly.

A light knock on the door called everyone’s attention. Laf, Herc, and Alex glanced nervously at John, but his face was impassive. “It’s not my dad. He wouldn’t have knocked.”

The doctor stepped forward to open the door, and George Washington stood behind it, holding an overnight bag. Alex immediately ran to his father to hug him.

“Hey, y’all,” he said with a slight smile, looking around at his son’s friends before his gaze settled on John. With a sympathetic smile, he asked, “How are you doing, son?”

John shrugged. “I’ve been better.”

Alex looked up nervously at his father. “He – uh… he’s not staying the night anymore.”

“What? Why?” George demanded, now glaring over at the doctor, who flinched slightly at the impressive man’s loud voice.

“My dad,” John offered in a small voice. “He wants me to go home. Too expensive to stay…”

“I can pay for it!” George sighed in relief, thankful he could be of at least some assistance.

“Laf already offered, and put in his insurance information, but… my dad doesn’t want to take it, I guess. He’ll probably pay you back,” John muttered,eyes flicking to Laf before gazing downward in embarrassment.

George sighed in resignation. “Does anyone need a drive home?” he asked.

“My car is here,” Laf said with a small smile, taking Herc’s hand.

“Okay. Let me know when you get home safe, Gil. And you too, John,” George nodded at the boy in bed. “Alex? You ready to go?”

“Uh… yeah. Just let me say goodbye.” He walked over to Hercules, who gave him a big bear hug and ruffled his hair affectionately. Alex then turned to Laf, who pulled him into a much gentler hug. When they pulled back, Laf looked as though he was about to speak and then bit his tongue, offering Alex only a small reassuring smile. Alex then nervously made his way across the room to John. He kissed him softly on his unbruised cheek and backed off, his lips twitching upward slightly.

“Call me, okay?”

“Okay.”

Alex turned and left behind his father, sparing a sad glance behind him at his friends. He trudged along in his father’s wake, down to the parking garage, and into George’s car. Once they were inside, his father gave him a searching look, his eyebrows slightly furrowed.

“Are you alright?” he asked gently, bringing a hand to his son’s shoulder.

Alex shrugged. “I’m okay. It’s been a crazy day.”

“I’ll say,” George chuckled lightly before his tone grew more serious. “If you need to talk, let me know.”

“Okay.”

They began the drive home, Alex staring out the window in silence, watching as rain began to fall. He stared up at the sky in wonderment, recalling the rainfall on Nevis. He tried not to think about  _ the  _ storm, but as soon as he attempted to block that thought, it was all he could focus on. Nervously, he fidgeted with the cuffs of his sleeves. As he did so, he noticed a new pen mark on his arm. Pulling back his sleeve, he gasped as he found fresh writing on his skin _. _

Alex’s breath caught in his throat as he read Thomas’ message.  _ SOS.  _


	8. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: allusion to suicide/self-harm

“Dad,” Alex said, and he was surprised how calm his voice sounded. Inside all the emotions he’d tamped down earlier flooded upward, lodging in his throat.

George immediately turned his head sharply to look at his son. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Thomas,” he replied plainly. “I need to see him.”

“Thomas?”

“Yes.”

“Right now?” George questioned, raising his eyebrows. “Why?”

“I don’t know…” Alex trailed off, and began to search frantically for a pen. He finally found one tucked in the back of the glove compartment. Thankfully, it hadn’t yet run out of ink, and with a bit of effort he managed to mark his skin.

His writing came out in a scrawl.  _ Where are you? What do you need? _

Alex tapped his fingers nervously on the window ledge as he waited for a response. George glanced over at his son every few seconds to see if he had any new information. It took almost a full minute before Thomas’ writing appeared again, shakier than Alex had ever seen it.

_ Park. You. _

Alex froze as the words appeared on his arm. His heart began to pound and guilt twisted in his gut. He’d caused this. Why did everything have to be his fault? His throat felt tight. This day had been too damn long. This whole week had been too long. And it was only Wednesday.

“Can you take me to St. Nicholas park?” he asked his father weakly. George looked concerned at the familiar choked sound of his son’s words, but he simply nodded, turning on the flicker to change directions. Alex felt endlessly grateful that his father was not nosy. In fact, he rarely asked questions, understanding that his son didn’t always want to (or didn’t know how to) explain the emotions behind his actions. Alex smiled lightly, despite his worry, and looked over at his father, who was staring ahead at the road in front of him, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Thank you, dad,” Alexander said softly, and his father’s face seemed to thaw slightly, his brow relaxing.

“Of course,” he muttered in response, shooting a smile at his son. They rode the rest of the way in silence, soon pulling up outside the subway station across from the park. George idled there for a minute to let his son out. Evening had fallen, and rain still pattered the ground, filling the busy New York streets with a rushing white noise.

“Be safe, Alex. Text me when you’re walking home. I’ll make you something to eat.”

“Okay,” Alex smiled at his father. His heart began to pound as he thought about talking with Thomas again. He turned to get out of the car and then stopped himself, turning around. “And thank you. For everything.”

He stepped into the rain; now slowing to a drizzle as he closed the door behind him and his dad drove off; the tires of the car disturbing the pools of water that riddled the streets. Alex looked across at the park, and saw Thomas sitting on a bench under a tree. He looked smaller than Alex had ever seen him. He was hunched over, his face in his hands. His normally wild and voluminous hair hung limp and sopping wet, clinging to his hands and forearms.

Alex crossed the street quickly and tried to calm his pounding heart. These past few days had changed everything. They had been some of the worst days of his short life, reminding him horribly of the turmoil brought by the hurricane on Nevis. Alexander shuddered to himself as approached the bench. As he walked, he noted Thomas’ utter stillness; he didn’t seem to notice Alex’s splashing footsteps drawing nearer. Alex tentatively took a seat next to his impassive soulmate, his throat constricting. He really couldn’t take another conflict. Not today.

“Hi,” he said softly, and Thomas jumped. He looked up from his hands and Alex’s heart broke to see that his face was red and puffy. It looked as though he hadn’t stopped crying since he left the hospital that afternoon. Alex felt the same pull toward his soulmate; wanted to hold him. He resisted the temptation, knowing their situation was too complicated. 

“Alex –” Thomas said, his voice breaking with emotion. Despite his hatred for the boy across from him, Alex felt horrible guilt tear at his insides, squeezing him. Unable to stop himself, he hesitantly reached out to hold his soulmate’s hand, and Thomas’ hand squeezed back with surprising and desperate strength.

“I’m sorry about today, Thomas…” Alex said, and he winced at the insincerity in his own voice. “Well… I mean…”

“I deserved it,” Thomas laughed darkly, squeezing his eyes shut. “I don’t even know why you’re here. I don’t – you shouldn’t have to deal with me.” His words came out choked and he wrenched his hand out of Alex’s to clutch his temples again.

Alexander placed a tentative arm around his soulmate’s shoulders. “Shhh, it’s okay,” he whispered lamely, unsure of what to do. He wasn’t used to being on this side of an emotional break. “What do you need?”

“I need… I need to not be me right now,” Thomas muttered, frustration coating his words. Alex’s eyes widened. He had never seen Thomas so vulnerable; it was completely unnerving.

“Thomas, I…” Alexander trailed off, not even knowing where to begin. Thomas sat up straight and turned to his soulmate, grabbing his hands tightly in his own.

“Alex. There are so many things I wish I’d done differently. There’s absolutely no excuse for the way I treated you. I… get mad easily and you seemed… strong? Like you could take it. But I regretted it. I swear I did I’m just… a shitty person,” Thomas huffed out a self-deprecating laugh, squeezing his eyes shut. He let go of Alex’s hands. “As soon as I found out that you were my soulmate and that  _ I  _ was the one that had been hurting you all that time…”

Thomas shook his head, too overcome to continue. Alex was watching him in rapt attention, tears clouding his vision.

“It fucking broke me, Alex. I just… I haven’t been able to do anything. I barely get out of bed, my…” Thomas paused for a moment. “...parents have been freaking out… I’ve barely said a word to anyone since it happened. And the shittiest part of all of this… is that it’s my fucking fault! There’s no one else I can blame. It’s all on me.”

Alex shook his head; wanting to deny it. Wanting Thomas to see that he wasn’t all to blame. But wasn’t he?

“I was this close,” Thomas said, holding his index and his thumb finger barely a millimeter apart.

“To what?” Alex asked breathlessly. 

Thomas shook his head, apparently repressing whatever he was about to divulge. Alex watched him, his brow furrowing. They didn’t need words… he saw the look on his face. Saw everything. Realization crashed over Alex like a flood, the guilt becoming almost unbearable. 

Thomas looked up at Alex’s sharp intake of breath. The small boy was quivering slightly, staring with intense concern. Gently, Thomas eased his letterman jacket off his shoulders and hung it around his soulmate’s thin frame. The rain began to pick up a little, and Thomas gently pushed the sopping hair out of Alex’s eyes.

“I’m… good now. I think. Don’t want to… you know. I thought, though, before I did…” Thomas took in a shaky breath, realizing how incoherent his words were. Tears were in his eyes, but he blinked them away angrily. “I wanted to see you, and… apologize for all the shit I’ve put you through. And I know that nothing I could ever say would make things alright, but…”

“Thomas,” Alex interjected, closing his eyes to gather his thoughts. “Please don’t…”

“I know!” Thomas cried, laughing almost hysterically. “I know, I’m sorry! What’s the point of even apologising, right? There’s nothing I could say or do that could possibly make up for –”

“Thomas. I was trying to say... please don’t…” Alex couldn’t bring himself to say it. What Thomas had almost done... “k-... hurt yourself. Please don’t.” Tears snaked down Alex’s cheeks and Thomas reached up, brushing them away before dropping his hand back in his lap. 

“I don’t want to anymore,” Thomas assured him, his voice sounding a little flat.

Alexander touched Thomas’ hands again, holding them in his own. No thought had been required, it just felt right... “You would tell me, right?” he asked softly.

“I guess,” Thomas replied quietly, looking off to the side.

“Seriously… I mean… you never told me anything,” Alex said, shaking his head. “You’ve got to…”

Thomas continued to look away. “You’ve got enough shit to worry about… I’m sorry. You should go home.”

“Only if you want me to,” Alex said sincerely. “I can stay as long as you need.”

“No, I’m fine,” Thomas lied. Alex looked unconvinced. Thomas finally looked back in his soulmate’s eyes. “You’ve helped a lot. Seriously.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Alex shrugged.

“You were here,” Thomas said, strength re-entering his voice. His gaze dropped down to their entwined hands and he gently released Alex’s with a sad smile. “I – I think you and John will be good together.”

Alex’s mouth popped open in surprise. For the moment, he had almost forgotten that he was no longer single. “Oh,” he breathed softly, causing Thomas to look at him strangely. “T-thank you. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Thomas asked worriedly, wiping the wet hair out of his own eyes.

“I – I’m sorry for me and John, that’s…”

“Alex. You deserve to be happy. And I know I can’t give you that,” Thomas replied slowly without a hint of a waiver. It wasn’t a guilt trip; it was a statement of fact. He stood to leave, knowing any further conversation would be much to heartbreaking to bear.

“Thomas, your jacket,” Alex said softly, beginning to remove it from his shoulders. Thomas turned around and held up a halting hand.

“Keep it. It’s the least I can do.”

And with that, he was gone.

***

Alex slept soundly that night; for the first time in what felt like years. He was racked with worry about the many emotions that flooded through him at the thought of Thomas or John, but there was something settling about having things being okay with his soulmate. Or at least a semblance of ‘okay.’

So for once, despite the worries that were piling up, Alex slept. 

In the morning, Alex tried to be normal. He took his meds, did the crossword, packed a lunch… His dad watched him with silent  interest for a long time until Alex started whistling to himself while making his sandwich. 

“So… what happened yesterday? At the park?” George asked, unable to contain his curiosity anymore. 

“Oh…” Alex tried to think of a concise way to answer that question but could come up with none. “Well… things are a bit more resolved now.”

George sighed at the vague answer. He hated pressing for answers, but Alex was very forthcoming about everything but his personal life. “More resolved… so are you going to date?”

Alex’s cheeks flushed pink and he gulped. “No… not me and Thomas.”

George’s eyes widened. “Thomas and someone else?”

Alex shook his head woodenly.

George closed his eyes, remembering the goodbyes he’d given in the hospital room. The very affectionate goodbye with one of his friends… “You and John?”

“Yeah,” Alex replied sheepishly, beginning to wrap his sandwich in siran. 

“Alex… you have a soulmate. John doesn’t,” George said worriedly.

“Thomas is on board,” Alex said flatly. “We’ve agreed we don’t work. Simple as that.”

“And you like John?”

“A lot, yeah…” Alex said with a small smile. 

“More than you loved T?” George pressed. 

Alex’s face paled slightly. “N-not yet…” he said shakily, and immediately George regretted his callous tone. “But I think I will. He’s… I mean… I didn’t know T like I thought I did. I know John.”

George heaved a sigh and nodded. “Okay. Just… be careful, okay?”

Alex nodded, not quite meeting his father’s eyes. He rushed through the rest of his preparation, throwing his sandwich into his bag and heading for the door. He gave his father a quick hug before slipping on his shoes and leaving for school, relieved to be out of the line of questioning. As he walked to school, he lost some of the positivity he’d carried with him that morning; his father’s questions still rattling around in his brain. 

The happiness returned as soon as he saw Laf and Herc hanging out at their usual table. Alex rushed to join them and forgot about his worry as they got lost in a happy conversation. While Laf and Herc began to discuss play rehearsal, Alex zoned out, looking across the field. A happy feeling lifted in his stomach as he spotted Thomas sitting at his normal table. 

He looked up and they locked eyes for a minute, slightly transfixed. Thomas smiled gently before returning to his conversation. Alex glanced away, a light blush filling his cheeks. He rolled back his sleeve and pulled a pen out of his backpack. 

_ Glad you’re here,  _ Alex wrote on his wrist, feeling slightly guilty, though he couldn’t pinpoint why. 

_ Me too,  _ Thomas wrote back, and Alex smiled. After a moment, more words appeared;  _ Thank you.  _

Alex rolled his sleeve back down as subtly as he could, but Laf’s eye seemed to catch the movement. He looked up into Alex’s eyes with a bit of worry and curiosity, but Alex ignored his gaze, turning back to the conversation. Neither teen said anything about it. 

The day passed by in a blur, Alex texting John between every class to see how he was feeling. In general, he seemed to be doing well, just taking it easy for a day to rest up. At the end of the school day, Herc and Laf had play practice, so Alex was left on his own. He decided to go visit John, but first swung by his apartment to grab some leftover soup from the night before.

He was soon on the familiar route to John’s house, a growing feeling of unease building in his stomach. He pulled back his sleeve out of habit and found that at some point that day, Thomas had drawn a little star next to their conversation. Alex smiled despite himself and soon arrived outside John’s house. 

Before he went in, he decided to call his boyfriend to make sure they would be alone. 

“Hey,” John said after the first ring.

“Is your dad home?” Alex asked immediately, standing awkwardly in front of the door. 

“No… he’s working,” John replied. “Why?”

“Because… I’m outside. I brought you soup,” Alex laughed lightly. 

“Really?” John asked, and Alex heard the sound of rustling. A minute later, the door swung open and John’s smiling - if swollen - face appeared. 

Alex grinned up at his boyfriend and gave him a quick hug. They walked down to their dilapidated basement apartment, past his brother Henry watching TV, and into John’s bedroom. Art covered the walls; tattoo designs, portraits, photography… Alex smiled.

“How’s your head?” Alex asked, taking a seat on his boyfriend’s unkempt bed.

John shrugged. “Sore… but I’m not forgetting things.”

“That’s good,” Alex smiled.

“How was your day?” John asked, and Alex shrugged.

“About what you’d expect…” he said vaguely. Guilt immediately tore at him. He should mention Thomas… but he moved past it, becoming distracted as he shivered. “It’s freezing in here,” he muttered. 

“Sorry, our furnace broke,” John said apologetically, biting his lip. 

“You’re wearing a t-shirt,” Alex laughed, noting his boyfriend’s bare arms. 

“My blood runs warm,” John laughed, grinning. “Here. Take my sweater.”

He passed Alex one of his favourite hoodies; the grey one with the turtle on it that Herc had bought him at Myrtle beach. Alexander smiled, flattered that John was lending him such a special one. He pulled it over his head with a small smile. 

“So do I get soup?” John laughed once Alex was swaddled in the warm, fleecy material. 

“Keep your pants on,” Alex huffed, pulling the container out of his bag and passing it to his boyfriend. 

John ate it hungrily while Alex filled him in on what had happened at school and the drama that Herc and Laf were facing within the play. Though he thought of it often while he was talking, Alex never did mention his talk with Thomas. 

“Oh! And Charles Lee did get suspended,” Alex grumbled. “The bastard deserved it.”

“Honestly I probably deserve to get suspended, too…” John shrugged. “I pushed him first.”

“He put you in the fucking hospital, John,” Alex said hotly. 

John’s calloused hand gently took Alex’s. “Calm down,” he laughed, before shrugging modestly. “It didn’t really hurt.”

“You have a fucking CONCUSS-”

“Shh!” John shushed suddenly, holding up a finger, tilting his head slightly. Bangs were suddenly heard coming down the stairs. “Motherfucker… my dad’s home.”

“Shit,” Alex breathed. 

“Climb out my window,” John said in a hushed voice, getting up on the useless radiator to open the tiny window that led out to the concrete parking lot. Alex stared at it skeptically, but was in no place to make alternative suggestions. 

Alex clambered up beside John and turned around, looking up into his hazel eyes.

“Are you coming to school tomorrow?” Alex asked quietly, touching John’s hip. 

“Hopefully,” John smiled before wincing in pain. Alex leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to his boyfriend’s semi-swollen lips.

“I love you,” Alex smiled. 

“You too,” John grinned back. 

“Oh, your sweater!” Alex said suddenly, beginning to pull it off.

“Keep it,” John shrugged. 

Alex was suddenly and uncomfortably reminded of the night before; Thomas telling Alex to keep his jacket... Swiftly, Alex pulled the hoodie off, nearly losing his balance and falling off the radiator. John caught him by the hips as Alex finished taking it off and passed it to his boyfriend. 

“No. It’s yours,” Alex said with a forced smile. Appearing not to notice Alex’s unease, John kissed him quickly with a smile.

“Now get out of here,” John laughed, helping to hoist his boyfriend up and slip him out the window. Alex was so tiny he fit right through the frame. Once he was out, he got to his feet, brushing himself off. As he made to leave, he turned back around and saw John’s bedroom door slam open, his father appearing in the frame. 

Alex left, sickness and anxiety beginning to grow in the pit of his stomach. 


	9. Blue

Friday was not as good a day for Alex. He woke up with a headache and shaking hands, with a feeling of restlessness burrowed into him. He took his medications, but afterward he only felt numb, not truly calm. He didn’t pack a lunch, only made sure to bring his wallet on the off-chance he was hungry by lunchtime. He walked quickly to school, blasting music to quiet the thoughts in his head. After a short while, he’d realized he wasn’t even listening to the music and he restarted the song. 

He repeated this several times, growing more and more nervous as he did so, until finally the school came into view and he ripped his headphones out of his ears. He walked quickly along the path, picking up his pace as he recognized John’s curly ponytail over by their usual table. Feeling a small sense of relief, Alex started jogging toward the table. Alex slowed as he approached his boyfriend, not bothering to greet him but simply putting his head on John’s chest and wrapping his arms around his waist.

John hugged him back, placing a kiss on the top of his head. 

“What happened with your dad?” Alex asked, his voice muffled by John’s shirt. 

“Nothing… it was fine. He heard your voice, but I told him I was watching a show,” John shrugged. Alex looked up at his boyfriend, recognizing the familiar stony look on his bruised face. It softened slightly when he locked eyes with Alex. 

Alex stood on his tiptoes and placed his lips against John’s. “How’s your head?” he mumbled against his boyfriend’s lips.

“I’ve had four Tylenol today,” John laughed slightly and Alex pulled back, shooting him a concerned look. John gave him a half-smile. “I’m fine. Seriously.”

“John!” Laf’s voice suddenly cut through. John turned to see Laf and Herc rushing up to the two of them. Alex jumped back out of the embrace, but John quickly entwined their hands together, clearly not wanting to let their friends’ disapproval dampen their relationship.

John gave Laf a one-armed hug as he approached, and got punched lightly in the shoulder by Hercules. 

Herc plopped down at the picnic table and everyone else did too. Laf leaned gently into his boyfriend’s side and Herc casually placed his arm across the other’s lower back, holding his hip gently. “So, didja hear that Lee got suspended?” Herc chortled happily and John began to explain that he did, in fact, know that. 

Feeling numb, Alex moved his free hand over top of the one that was entwined with John’s, his fingers moving to his wrist. Gently, he pinched the skin, wondering if there would be feeling. There was; blissfully grounding pain. Alex pinched harder, trying to focus on staying sharp. As the world became a bit more clearly in focus, Alex felt a growing sense of being watched. He glanced over his shoulder and his eyes found Thomas’. He was staring across the yard at them; his expression unreadable. Burr, too, had his eyes on them, his brow slightly furrowed. Alex glanced away, feeling self conscious. He leaned into John’s side as if to melt away. John noticed and immediately put his arm around his boyfriend, giving him a small, reassuring squeeze.

Laf took note and pulled him aside after the bell had rung. Herc and John continued to class, the latter shooting worried glances over his shoulder. 

As soon as they were alone, Laf touched Alex’s face gently, looking into his eyes intently. “Have you eaten?” he asked. 

Alex rolled his eyes. “Yeah,” he lied, “I’m fine, mom.”

Laf pouted slightly and opened his arms. Alex paused for a moment of indecision and then walked into his friend’s embrace, immediately feeling a bit better. Alex stayed in his friend’s arms for far longer than he realized he probably should have, but Laf made no move to end the hug, instead stroking Alex’s hair gently. Once they’d pulled away, Alex was feeling a bit more situated in reality. 

“Thanks, Laf,” he muttered softly as they began to walk toward the school. 

Laf put his arm around Alex and pulled him in close as they walked, kissing the side of his head. “Of course.”

Alex managed to get through his two morning classes fairly well. Though bored by the content, he took notes, trying to keep himself present and in touch with his surroundings. It worked to some degree, but he was still feeling a little spaced out by the time he left for lunch. 

He walked blearily through the halls, letting his feet take him on the familiar route to his locker. He felt like he wasn’t walking on the ground; his footfalls didn’t feel heavy enough. Distractedly, Alex glanced down at his feet as if checking to see if they were still attached to his body. 

Feeling stupid, Alex looked up, but not in time to save him from slamming straight into someone. Alex immediately felt embarrassment and anxiety fill him up as he stumbled back. He looked up into Thomas’ face and fear seized him; Jefferson would destroy him for this… 

“Oh,” Alex breathed, relief filling him a little as he remembered their animosity was somewhat behind them. “I - I’m sorry,” he stammered out.  

Thomas’ face softened, seeming to have a similar realization. “Don’t apologize, are you… what’s wrong?”

Alex shrugged. Normally he would have vented to T, but he knew that their situation was different now… “I’m fine.”

Thomas’ brow furrowed with doubt. “Alex…” Then his face fell slightly, seeming to realize something and looking to the side. “Oh. Okay.”

Thomas began to turn around, but Alex confusedly touched his arm to stop him. “What?”

Thomas shot Alex a half-smile. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk to me.”

“No, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you -” Alex began, but was cut off by someone bumping into him. The jarring motion made him lose his train of thought, still feeling muddled. “Uh... I…”

Thomas’ brow furrowed in concern. “Wanna go outside?” he suggested, and Alex nodded. He led him down the hallway to the custodian’s closet. 

“This isn’t outside,” Alex joked nervously. 

“No, it’s better,” Thomas smiled, opening a hatch on the ceiling and a ladder falling down. He began to climb and Alex stared up the short tunnel skeptically until he realized it was a passage to the roof. Smiling, Alex began to follow his soulmate up the ladder and out onto the gravelled roof. Once in the cool October air, he found his breathing came more naturally. 

“How did you find this place?” Alex asked, smiling at Thomas as his head cleared slightly. 

“Eh… I’ve done my fair share of hiding.” He shrugged.

Alex’s brow furrowed. “Who were you hiding from?”

“Well, there’s no service here, so if I wanted to duck a call from my parents…”

“Why wouldn’t you want to talk to your parents?” Alex asked curiously, taking a seat on a vent. Thomas sat down on one across from him with a small huff.

“It’s uh… we don’t really get along all that well.” 

“You know…” Alex looked out over the edge of the roof before glancing back at his soulmate. “You can tell me stuff, right? I’ve told you… everything.”

Thomas noted the embarrassed flush in his soulmate’s cheeks and crossed to sit next to him on the vent. “I’m glad you told me everything,” he said sincerely. “And honestly, you shouldn’t have to worry about me.”

Alex turned to look at Thomas, his brow furrowed. “Do you worry about me?”

“Of course I do,” he responded immediately. Alex frowned; clearly that was not the answer he wanted to hear. Thomas rushed to correct himself. “I mean… I just…”

“No. It’s fine,” Alex said. “I’m glad you told the truth, I’m just… sorry you worry about me.”

“I’m not,” Thomas shrugged. “I mean, I’m sorry that you have to struggle with all this shit, but I’m glad I know it…”

“And I’d be glad to know your stuff too,” Alex argued. A half-smile tugged at Thomas’ mouth. 

“It’s not that bad,” he shrugged. Changing the topic, he gave Alex a once-over. “Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah… the fresh air helps,” Alex nodded, holding his middle.

“Cold?” Thomas asked. When there came no reply, he laughed awkwardly. “I could give you my jacket, but you already have that.”

“I’m not cold,” Alex said flatly before realizing how callous he sounded and smiling at Thomas. “Sorry… I have your jacket in my locker if you want it back.”

“No… it looked cute on you,” Thomas smiled. 

A bit flustered, Alex laughed. “It looked cute on me?”

“Yeah, I mean…” Thomas grinned. “You’re so small,” he said in a baby voice. 

“Ugh,” Alex rolled his eyes, emitting an unwilling laugh before sobering slightly. “Huh.”

“What?” Thomas asked.

“I can’t believe  _ Thomas Jefferson  _ just called me cute.” Alex shook his head in bewilderment.

“I always thought it,” Thomas smiled. “I was just… an ass.”

“I thought it too,” Alex said unthinkingly. “About you, I mean.”

“Really?” Thomas laughed, cocking an eyebrow.

Alex grinned sheepishly before the guilt sank in and his smile faltered. He got to his feet quickly. “I should go, uh… eat with my friends.”

Thomas closed his eyes, obviously frustrated with himself. “Of course, yeah… Let’s go.”

He got to his feet as well and went back down the ladder first, waiting at the bottom to make sure Alex didn’t slip. Once at the bottom, they left the custodial closet together, walking down the empty hall side by side. 

“Do you have lunch?” Thomas asked as they descended the stairs to the ground floor of the school.

“Money,” Alex shrugged. “But I’m not really hungry.”

Thomas furrowed his brow and stopped walking, opening his backpack and pulling out a prepared sandwich. 

He held it out to Alex, not making eye contact. “Just in case you get hungry.”

Alex took it hesitantly. “Isn’t this your lunch?”

“I’ve got another one,” Thomas lied, putting his hands in his pockets and continuing to walk.

“Thanks,” Alex grinned, following him until suddenly they halted.

“Um… you go on out first,” Thomas smiled. Bewildered, Alex looked around and saw that they were indeed at the doors out to the yard.

“Oh. Okay,” Alex said reluctantly. After taking a few steps away, he turned back around. “Thanks, for uh…”

Thomas waved him off. “Don’t worry about it.”

Alex shot him a grateful smile and slipped out the doors to join his friends at their picnic table. 

The afternoon passed without too much difficulty. Alex felt much more grounded after his talk with Thomas. He’d eaten the sandwich at lunch (curing his light headedness), and he’d continued to take notes in his afternoon classes.

Once the final bell rang, though, he let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

He and John left class together, holding hands. As they walked to John’s locker, they discussed the art project he wanted to work on after school that day. Alex said he would go with him to the art room for ‘moral support.’

Laf and Herc showed up at the locker after a few moments, looking a little unhappy; uncomfortable in knowing that the relationship between John and Alex could not end well.

“What are you guys doing now?” Alex asked them, ignoring their unease. 

“I’m working,” Herc shrugged. 

“I’m helping,” Laf grinned, kissing his soulmate on the cheek. 

“Hey, Alex?” 

They all looked over to see Thomas, looking a little awkwardly out of place, a hand on the back of his neck. 

Alex felt the breath leave his lungs. “One sec, guys,” he said to his friends, leaving them to go to Thomas. He ignored their worried murmurs and pulled his soulmate aside. “What’s wrong?”

“Uh… nothing really,” Thomas said, perturbed by the interest Alex’s friend’s had in their conversation. “Just… are you feeling better?”

“Oh… yeah. Thanks,” Alex smiled. “The sandwich helped.”

Thomas seemed to relax a bit. “Good, I’m glad.”

“Are you okay, though? You seem jumpy,” Alex questioned, touching Thomas on the forearm quickly before retracting it, remembering that he was being watched. 

“Yeah,” Thomas said, glancing off to the side. 

“If… if it’s something with your parents, you can write to me, okay?” Alex said sincerely. 

Thomas smiled lightly. “I’ll be fine, but thanks.” He glanced nervously over at Alex’s friends. “I should go. If you… I mean. You can always talk to me.”

“Sure,” Alex nodded, and Thomas slipped past him, walking rather quickly down the hall away from them. Nervously, Alex rejoined his friends, shifting his weight awkwardly. 

“Since when are you talking to Jefferson?” John asked coldly. Alex felt guilt slip into his stomach and sit there like a rock. 

“He, uh… We’re kind of cool now,” he stuttered out, looking down at his feet.

“You’re cool now?” John echoed scathingly.

“We… saw each other on Wednesday. After the hospital,” Alex replied, his voice trembling slightly. Laf and Herc glanced at each other worriedly. “And, uh… today he kind of helped me out.”

“What happened?” Lafayette breathed, his eyes wide. John remained in stony silence.

“Nothing really. Just… he’s not gonna bother us anymore. We’re just going to move on.” 

“From each other?” Herc sputtered, baffled. “You guys are soulmates, how the fu–”

“It’s complicated, Herc,” Alex said uncomfortably, stealing a nervous glance at John, whose expression was stormy, his swollen cheek smarting. “But… it’s over between us. He wants John and me to be happy.”

“How generous,” John gibed bitterly, and uncomfortable looks were shared between the rest of their friend group.

“Well, it is,” Laf finally said after an awkward pause. “Clearly Thomas has more good in him than we knew.”

Herc placed a hand protectively in the small of his boyfriend’s back while Alex smiled at him in gratitude for defending Thomas.

“We don’t need his  _ blessing _ , though,” John scoffed, closing his locker door with a bit too much force. Alex jumped at the loud noise, his heart beginning to hammer, but his boyfriend took no notice. “I’m glad you guys could work things out, but I’m more happy that he’s getting the fuck out of our lives.”

Alex’s hands began to quiver at John’s words. “He’s not going to be  _ out  _ of our lives,” Alex corrected. “I mean… he’s not all that bad.”

John stared at his boyfriend in disbelief before shaking his head. “Jefferson fucking  _ harassed  _ us. You hated him, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’ve gotten to know him better!” Alex countered, gaining confidence. “I’m sorry that you can’t see past what he did, but -”

“No, I can’t!” John yelled, and people in the halls began to look over at them in curiosity. Laf and Herc shared a nervous look while Alex’s hands began to shake. “Especially after what he did to  _ you _ . How the fuck can I ‘see past’ that?”

“If you’re talking about -”

“You know I am!” John shouted, making Alex jump again. This time John did notice, and he took a steadying breath. “I have work to do.”

“Where are you going?” Alex demanded as John turned to walk away.

“I have to do my project,” he snapped. “See you tomorrow.”

“Where the fuck is he going?” Hercules asked, watching his friend’s curly ponytail retreating into the crowd.

“The art room,” Alex muttered. “I was going to go with him, but…” he trailed off, his eyes stinging. 

“Are you okay, little one?” Laf asked, touching his friend’s shoulder. “He did not have to be so… harsh.”

“I’m fine,” Alex smiled weakly, his eyes remaining sad. “He deserves to be angry. This whole situation is a mess.”

“Dude… Are you sure that you and John - with everything going on…?” Herc cleared his throat awkwardly. He spared a glance at Laf, who nodded almost imperceptibly. “I mean... Is it such a good idea?”

Alex sighed. “Honestly, no.”

Laf and Herc both looked taken aback at his candid reply. They had obviously expected him to go off on an angry tangent, but he remained level-headed, surprising even himself.

“Things are crazy right now, but John makes me happy…” Alex muttered. “At least, most of the time. I know it’s not a good idea right now, but… it’s something that feels right while everything else is fucked up.”

“It feels right?” Laf inquired.

“Yeah,” Alex said with a bit too much uncertainty. 

“Okay, enough bummer talk,” Herc interjected suddenly, wrapping his arm around Alex’s shoulders. “Wanna come to the store with us?”

Alex grinned, nodding as they all left the school together.

 

*** 

John was still fuming when he entered the art classroom. He threw his bag down angrily onto the table and went to the drying rack to find his piece. Once he had, he started savagely uncapping paints to use, slamming them down on the messy counter.

He couldn’t believe Alex hadn’t mentioned anything to him before. Now he and his soulmate were on speaking terms? John felt anger and fear build up inside him. After pining over Alex for months, getting punched for him… now he was just going to fade into the background. Alexander would almost certainly forget about him and move on to be with Thomas. Laf was right. It was inevitable.

John’s head began to throb very painfully, causing his hands to start shaking. As the pain built, he accidentally dropped an open jar of paint. It landed on the counter, the blue paint pooling there and beginning to drip on the floor. He let out a groan of frustration.

“John?” he heard a voice call softly, and his head snapped up to find the source of the noise. Aaron was standing in the doorway, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

“Oh. Hi,” John replied, keeping his voice even, but his face flushing. Aaron always seemed to catch him at the worst times.

“Want some help?” he asked tentatively, taking a step further into the classroom. John shrugged in response, and the other boy eagerly grabbed a rag and began to wipe up the counter.

“Are you okay?” Aaron inquired, giving John a searching look. He didn’t reply; he only started scrubbing more vigorously, trying to ignore the blinding pain in his head. Aaron tried again. “I was worried about you…”

John let out a huff. “Look, Aaron. Thank you for staying with me after Lee punched me. And thanks for taking me to the hospital. But we’re not friends, okay? You still hang out with those assholes. One nice thing doesn’t make you a saint.”

Aaron bit his lip and nodded slightly. “I know. I just… I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m totally fine,” John said, sucking his teeth angrily. “You can go now.”

He kept his eyes trained on the counter, getting increasingly frustrated as the cloth only soaked up half of the blue paint while the rest sloshed around. He hoped that Aaron would take his leave without protest. John’s head continued to pound, and he started to feel dizzy. He just wished he could be alone.

“John.”

“What?” he yelled angrily, looking over at Aaron. His face slackened as he realized that there were tears coursing down the other boy’s face. “Woah, what the fuck? What’s wrong?”

“I –” Aaron shook his head, unable to continue. Instead of speaking, he scooped up some of the spilled paint onto his index finger.

“What the fuck are you doing?” John asked, staring at Aaron as though he was insane. The pain in his head was becoming unbearable; the stress of the day mixing uncomfortably with the effects of his concussion. His vision was slightly blurry.

He managed to focus on the boy in front of him. Aaron still had tears pouring down his face. He drew his paint soaked finger down his wrist, a bright blue streak appearing on his skin. Quivering, he pointed to John’s arm.

John looked down, his head spinning. There, on his forearm, he saw an identical, shining blue streak of paint.

His knees weakened, and the last thing he felt before he passed out was Aaron’s arms wrapped securely around him.


	10. Silent

“You can’t be in here.”

“He was just trying to work on his art project.”

“School’s over, boys. Pack up your things and leave.”

“He can’t! He passed out.”

“That’s not my problem. We could have a lawsuit on our hands if the board found out one of you got hurt when the school’s supposed to be closed.”

“With all due respect, sir, that’s not my problem.”

John’s eyes cracked open slightly. His mouth felt dry. His head was pounding. He blinked twice to clear his vision, and tried to take in his surroundings. He was staring at a pair of loafer-clad feet. He was lying on the floor, but his head felt cushioned. He rolled his head to look up, and found himself staring at Aaron’s chin, set forward defiantly. He realized then that his head was nestled into the boy’s lap. Jesus. That was twice in only a few days.

Aaron looked down when John shifted his head, and his eyes brightened. “John, you’re awake! Are you okay?”

“Now that he’s awake, please leave.”

John rolled his head back to look at the owner of the penny loafers and the angry voice. It was Mr. Adams, the debate club supervisor. Of course.

“Can you please give him a minute?” Aaron shot at the teacher hotly. Mr. Adams’ eyes widened at the sudden adamance from one of his most weak-willed students. Aaron’s glare softened as he turned his gaze on John, his hand gently cupping the teen’s face and positioning it so that they were looking into one another’s eyes. “Are you okay, J?”

John’s insides went cold. J. His memory flooded back to him. A blue streak. Soft arms around him, perfectly fitting his body...  _ A. _

John’s eyes glazed over with disbelieving tears. “A?” he said softly.

Aaron’s face crumpled. “It’s me,” he replied gently, stroking his thumb across his soulmate’s face.

“Burr!” Mr. Adams shouted, his voice cutting through the air like a cleaver. “Please! You have to leave!”

Aaron glared at his teacher in utter frustration, his eyes livid. Mr. Adams shrank back a little, shocked at the sudden display of raw emotion from the boy who always kept to himself.

“I’ll give you five minutes. If you’re not out of the school by then, you’re both doing detention next week,” he declared with finality, and turned to leave the classroom. John felt fear clench his gut. He could only imagine the reaction his father would have to him receiving detention… he shuddered.

Aaron turned his attention back to John worriedly, still gently stroking his cheek. “Can you get up?”

John nodded blearily, and carefully Aaron set him upright. With heavy leaning, John was carefully brought to his feet. He folded into Aaron’s arms and allowed himself to be led out of the classroom. He was still dizzy and his head was still pounding, but his heart felt full; fuller than it had in years.

Mr. Adams stared at them balefully as they walked out of the classroom. They took their time to go out to the yard, Aaron watching the other boy carefully for any sign of fainting again. As they walked, he seemed to gain strength and surety, his head clearing as they stepped out into the fresh air. They hobbled over to John’s usual picnic table and sat down, John immediately placing his throbbing head down on the table, his thoughts spinning a mile a minute.

“Are you okay, J?” Aaron asked, putting a hand on his soulmate’s back. John raised his head off the table and looked at Aaron as if seeing him for the first time.

“Aaron… why?”     

His voice was soft, but its slight tremor, the shine in his eyes, caused Aaron’s heart to break. He bowed his head, blushing deeply while tears clouded his vision.

“John…” Aaron looked up through his eyelashes. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“I thought you were dead, Aaron. I was devastated. Do you realize that for so long you were the only one keeping me sane around my dad? When you were gone, I just…” John shook his head and placed it in his hands, his brain still whirling.

“It was ninth grade,” Aaron said softly, and John looked up at him quizzically. “I made friends with Thomas and James pretty early on, but only because they were the first ones to talk to me. I kind of thought they were assholes, but they were the only people that were somewhat nice to me, and for once… I felt included. I was a part of something. Thomas really quickly became the leader of the group. He was just so commanding, you know? And… it was kinda my fault that he started hating Alexander and all of you guys.” Aaron bit his lip with regret. “Alex just kinda pissed me off, I didn’t expect him to start attacking  _ all  _ of you. You didn’t seem that bad to me, but, well… you know that standing up to people has never been my strong suit. So… I went with it. And then, one day, I saw you sitting alone in the art room, and I saw you drawing on your arm, and, I put it together.” Aaron exhaled a short, breathy laugh, but his eyes were tortured. “I almost said something. I really did. I think… back then… we could have reversed the damage. But I thought to myself, it’s not the perfect time. Maybe down the line it’d be easier. So I waited for it. But… as time passed, it got harder and harder to do anything… I still couldn’t really admit it to myself, let alone even  _ think  _ about telling you.”

“Why didn’t you just say something, Aaron?” John asked, his eyes glassy. “What were you afraid of?”

Aaron bit his lip, blinking away tears. “Have you seen what’s happening with Thomas and Alexander?  _ That’s  _ what I was afraid of. I already hated myself for going along with their shit, but… if I admitted to myself that I had caused my soulmate to suffer… Fuck.” Aaron shook his head sadly, at a loss for words.

“But… you just… stopped talking to me. You stopped drawing pictures, writing… Just silence,” John shook his head, reliving his pain. “Why?”

Aaron looked up to the sky, willing himself not to cry. “It was a mixture of a whole bunch of things, I guess,” he said honestly. “I thought if I denied your existence completely… I couldn’t hurt you. I think I knew deep down that that wasn’t true, but… well.” Aaron shook his head again as if to clear away the negative thoughts. “And… it was one thing to write to you, to have this ideal J person that would look out for me, love me unconditionally, but, as soon as you were a real person, I realized there was so much I’d fucked up, and no matter what, our relationship wouldn’t be perfect. It wouldn’t be the beautiful fantasy I’d always imagined. It would have ups and downs, and… I realized I could lose you. Like I lost everyone else. I mean… everyone who’s ever loved me has died. I didn’t want to be… exposed like that again.”

Tears filled John’s eyes as he looked at his tortured soulmate. Aaron soldiered on, despite the choked sound his voice now took on. “So… I stopped writing to you. It felt like there was a huge hole in my life, but… at least I wasn’t hurting anyone, right? At least you could still find a way to be happy without me… I told myself I just wanted you to be happy. And then you got punched and I let it happen… and I guess that’s kinda what I was always doing, right? Letting you get hurt because I can’t stand up to my friends?” Aaron swiped at his leaking eyes with his balled up sweater sleeve. “But I stayed with you, because… I don’t know. I kinda had to. And then this morning, when I saw you with Alexander… it was like my whole world shattered. You’d moved on! Of course you had, what else were you supposed to do, right? But… fuck, if it didn’t break me.”

Aaron stopped speaking for a moment to take a deep breath and wipe his nose with his sleeve. John hesitantly took Aaron’s free hand in his own. Aaron bit his lip, but continued, his voice shaking. “And then, I saw you in the art room this afternoon like I did all the way back in ninth grade, and… I just… I needed to tell you. And I know that you’re with Alex now, and I know you’re happy. And I know that I fucked everything up for waiting for so long. And I know that you hate me completely for everything I did, I just… I needed you to know. I was sick of waiting.”

As soon as Aaron finished his speech, he bit his lip and closed his eyes; anticipating the onslaught of angry words that John no doubt was about to hurl at him. What he wasn’t prepared for, however, was the warm body he suddenly felt pressed against his, and the strong arms that wrapped protectively around him. Aaron’s eyes flew open in shock, his wet eyelashes batting against John’s soft freckled skin. Without hesitation, Aaron hugged him back, holding on desperately as his body began to rattle with sobs.

“Shh,” John whispered softly, stroking his soulmate’s back rhythmically.

“Why are you…?” Aaron asked quietly, his muffled voice scarcely heard by the other boy. He didn’t elaborate further on his question, but John understood.

“Aaron,” John pulled back a bit to look into his soulmate’s face. Gently, he brought a thumb up to wipe away his tears. “I… understand. I don’t know if I would have done the same thing, but I know why you did it. And I love you. I have loved you since you first complimented that turtle that I drew you…”

The two boys laughed shakily, each trying to gain control of their tears; a losing battle. John sobered, sniffing. “I have m –” the tremor in John’s voice cut him off, and he looked down to recollect. When he glanced up, his eyes were sparkling, but he continued. “I have missed you so much. I’m just… I’m so happy you’re alive, A.”

Slowly, he leaned in, holding Aaron’s face in one hand and catching his lips with his own. They melted together perfectly, and both boys felt warmth and contentment spread inside them as if their whole lives had been building to this moment. The pain in John’s head was replaced with fuzzy warmth, an unbridled joy filling both of them.

Aaron was the first to come to his senses. With a small grunt of realization, he pulled back, detaching his lips from his soulmate’s.

“What’s wrong?” John asked breathlessly, staring dizzily at Aaron, his pupils dilated, his eyes dancing with light.

“Alex,” Aaron breathed back sadly, and John felt his insides go cold.

“Alex,” he echoed, dropping his face into his hands as his head began to pound again.

Thomas had been laying on his bed for what felt like hours. He had scrolled all the way through his Facebook feed, had reached the depths of Twitter hell, and had just been depressed by Instagram. His parents were unsurprisingly absent; they’d left a note saying they wouldn’t be back until midnight at the earliest. Thomas felt totally alone in his big, empty house. What a way to kick off the weekend.

Sighing, he decided to get into pyjamas. There was no point in wearing nice clothes when there was no one he was going to see. He yanked his shirt off over his head and threw it onto his laundry pile. As his arm passed his face, he noticed a line of writing on it that hadn’t been there before. His heart soaring, Thomas looked down to read it.

_ How are your parents? _

Thomas couldn’t help but grin at the familiar writing. Little bubbles of happiness sparkled in his stomach; despite the formality of the message, it felt like old times. Thomas quickly pulled on a soft t-shirt and went to his desk. He pulled out a purple glitter pen, the one A always used to make fun of.

_ Not here, it’s all good… how are you?  _ He wrote back. He immediately regretted how bland his words sounded. He dropped onto his bed and lay back, staring up at the ceiling. Every few seconds, he would glance down at his arm to see if anything was there.

The third time he checked, he was elated to find the beginning of a response. He watched, mesmerized, as Alex’s words appeared.

_ I’m okay. _

Thomas sighed. It was a conversation killer. Alex didn’t want to talk. Of course he wouldn’t; they weren’t together and they weren’t ever going to be together. Thomas sighed, putting down his pen and laying his head back to stare up at the ceiling.

He hated the silence that filled his room. It was in this silence that he had wallowed for the entire week. It was in this silence that he was drowning, constantly; the weight of his guilt and heartbreak swirling in his mind, filling his lungs and stealing his air. Desperately, he looked down at his arm in the hopes that, miraculously, something else had appeared there.

To his immense surprise and joy, it had.

_ Can you draw for me? And not in that godawful glitter pen. _

Thomas couldn’t help the elated giggle that burbled out of him. He rushed to his desk and found something else to draw with; the pen-tipped sharpie that leant itself nicely to his arm doodles. Excitedly, he hopped back up on his bed, leaning his back against the wall. Then, as he placed the nib on his skin, his mind went blank.

_ What do you want me to draw? _

_ Anything… I’m just feeling a little shitty. _

Thomas frowned.  _ How so? _

After a moment, Alex’s writing replied.  _ Just… alone. _

Though he hated to admit it, Thomas almost felt happy that Alex was alone. That meant he wasn’t with John… Sickened by his selfish thoughts, Thomas shook his head, and leaned back, trying to think of something that could cheer up his soulmate. Suddenly, the memory of a happier time flooded back to Thomas. He was thirteen, lying on this very bed, bored out of his mind. He’d absently doodled a little star, and then he started a collection of them. After a moment, his soulmate wrote back.  _ Stars remind me of home... I never see them anymore. _

Smiling, Thomas had replied,  _ You like them? _

A had written back slowly, _ They make me feel a lot less alone. _

Presently, Thomas smiled at the inspiration. Biting his lip, he began to sketch a star. After the first one was done, he began another, and another. Soon his arm was filling up with a whole galaxy of stars. Thomas began to add an inky backdrop, creating a dynamic night sky. As he drew, a slight smile tugged at his lips. He hadn’t drawn like this in what felt like a lifetime.

When he finished, he sat back with a satisfied smile. As soon as he was done, though, the silence came flooding in once more; deafening. Did Alex like it? Did he even care at all that he’d put work into it? Why should he?

Thomas curled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on them. He felt like leaving his room and being around people, but there was no one except his soulmate that he wanted to be around. The only person he’d ever felt like he was himself with was Althea and A.  Not James, though they were best friends… he didn’t like who he was around him. And Aaron was nice, but there were too many awkward power dynamics at play that he couldn’t feel truly relaxed. 

Thomas sighed. When he was around his friends, bullying Hamilton and his friends felt okay... but as soon as he was alone, he’d start to feel guilty about it. And he’d talk to A. Not tell him anything, just talk to him. Remind himself that there was someone out there who loved him. Thomas laughed darkly to himself at the thought, raising his head from his knees.

Nervously, not wanting to get his hopes too high, Thomas looked down at his arm. His artwork was undisturbed, but Alex had added the words  _ ‘thank you’  _ just above it _.  _ Thomas smiled to himself and leaned his head back against the wall.

The silence wasn’t so bad. 


	11. Burned

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ EMERGENCY _

**_BEANIE BABY:_ ** _ what’s wrong babe? _

**_TURTLE BOY:_ ** _ laf why the fuck are you awake at this ungodly hour _

**_SMOL ANGRY CHILD:_ ** _ john it’s 9 am _

**_TURTLE BOY:_ ** _ on a sATURDAY _

**_SMOL ANGRY CHILD:_ ** _ you’re so dramatic _

**_BEANIE BABY:_ ** _ can we get back to the emergency? laf what happened? _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ typing… _

_ … _

_ … _

**_TURTLE BOY:_ ** _ OH MY GOD LAF NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO TYPE THIS SLOW _

**_SMOL ANGRY CHILD:_ ** _ ^^^ _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ iy is to snoq om griday _

**_TURTLE BOY:_ ** _ translation, please, herc? _

**_BEANIE BABY:_ ** _ something about friday _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ *it _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ *snow _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ *on _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ *Friday _

**_SMOL ANGRY CHILD:_ ** _ BUT IT’S OCTOBER _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ thar id what rhe news said _

**_TURTLE BOY:_ ** _ okay that sucks but it’s not 9am on a saturday morning news _

**_BEANIE BABY:_ ** _ yes it is you guys _

**_BEANIE BABY:_ ** _ hate to break it to you, but laf just showed up at my house _

**_BEANIE BABY:_ ** _ we’re going on a picnic to “celebrate warmth while we have it” _

**_MOM BAGUETTE:_ ** _ GET READT MOYHERFUCKERS _

**_SMOL ANGRY CHILD:_ ** _ you’re the worst _

Alexander sighed as he put his phone down, but there was a smile dancing on his lips. He was excited to spend the day outside in the sunshine. He hated the winter. He heaved himself out of bed and trotted over to his dresser and found a soft flannel shirt to wear and pulled his hair back into a ponytail; looking at himself in the mirror. He looked good. It had been a few days since his last full-on anxiety attack; his skin was somewhat clear, and the bags under his eyes were less pronounced. Smiling, he rolled back his sleeve to look at the drawing Thomas had made him. He hadn’t had the heart to wash it off his arm yet; it was so beautiful.

His fingers lightly traced the drawing, staring mesmerized at the intricacy and effort Thomas had put into the linework and shading. Alex glanced back at his reflection and noticed that his cheeks were flushed. He rolled down his sleeve immediately, feeling his heart thrum in his chest.

Just last week, he would’ve written a love note to T to thank him for the drawing, but now… all he was allowed to say was thank you. Alex bit his lip and shook his head to clear the thoughts of Thomas away. They were too complicated to dwell on.

He left his room and padded lightly to the kitchen to get some coffee. He found his father already waiting at the table, reading the newspaper and sipping some tea.

“Morning, Alex. Coffee’s in the pot,” George smiled over his paper. Alex poured himself a mug and sat down across from his dad, holding out his hand for the crossword. Chuckling lightly, George passed it over, and Alex worked away at it busily.

“La - Gil is gonna come over soon,” Alex announced once his coffee was almost done and he was halfway through the puzzle.

“Oh? Are y’all gonna hang out here?” George asked, sipping his tea.                                                                                         

“No, uh… all of us are going to have a picnic. To enjoy the nice weather.”

“Is John going to be there?”

Alex bit his lip, anxiety bubbling in his stomach. He didn’t know where he and John stood. Their exchange had been fairly angry, but he was sure it wouldn’t be a lasting argument. John sometimes lashed out like that only to apologize the next day. Despite this assurance, Alex still felt queasy with guilt.

“Yeah, all of us,” Alex shrugged as nonchalantly as he could, writing in a crossword answer. George looked as though he was going to say something, but simply nodded in response and they both turned to their newspapers. After a minute of quiet, George gave his son a searching look. Alex, feeling eyes on him, glanced up.

“You okay, dad?” he asked.

As always, George’s face lit up slightly at the name, but then his brow furrowed again. “Are you going to eat before you go?”

Alex grimaced slightly. “I’m not really all that hungry…”

“You should eat, son. Or at least pack a granola bar or something.”

Alex sighed in resignation. “I’ll take something, yeah.”

His father looked at him carefully. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked, setting the newspaper down to study his son’s reaction.

“I’m completely fine. I’m just tired,” Alex half-assed a smile for his father, then turned back to his crossword. He felt his stomach clenching slightly. Just minutes before, he’d felt optimistic about today, but that had dissolved as soon as his thoughts turned to John and Thomas. Why couldn’t he be allowed to enjoy anything?

As Alex scratched in the last word of the crossword and George checked his phone, there came a loud knock at the door. It was mostly a formality; George had given Laf keys ages ago. Alex ran to grab the door for his friend and was immediately attacked by a bear hug.

“Hi Herc,” Alex’s muffled voice mumbled into his friend’s barrel chest. He managed to extricate himself with only a little difficulty. “Where’s Laf?”

“In the car. He didn’t want to climb up all the steps ‘cause he hurt his ankle,” Herc laughed, rolling his eyes.

“Hi Hercules,” George said, entering the foyer as Alex pulled on his shoes. “How are you, son?”

“Uh – good,” Herc replied nervously. “How are you?”

George smiled at the boy’s awkwardness. “Just fine. Where are y’all going?”

“Just Inwood,” Herc smiled. “We figured it would be good to enjoy the weather here. Oh! And Laf told me to tell you that we have plenty of food for all of us.” He shot a pointed look at Alex.

“Wow, real subtle Herc,” Alex laughed, standing up. “Dad, did you  _ text _ Gil?”

His father shrugged. “You have to eat.”

“Okay, whatever,” Alex sighed. “Let’s go.” He gave his father a quick hug good-bye and left after Herc, who shot George a little wave.

Herc bounded down the stairs while Alex trailed behind. Eventually, after Herc got impatient, Alex found himself being thrown onto his tall friend’s back and carried down the rest of the way to the car. Once outside, he was unceremoniously plopped onto his feet again.

Trying to straighten his shirt while shooting a glare at Herc, Alex clambered into the backseat of Laf’’s minivan. John was sitting on the far side of the car, his arms crossed in a huff. Alex greeted his boyfriend, but was met with silence; John not even acknowledging his presence. Alex nervously buckled himself in, his hands beginning to shake as his boyfriend remained quiet. 

“Are you okay?” Alex asked worriedly, staring intently at John as Hercules began to drive.

“Uh… yeah, I’m fine. My head hurts,” John said uncomfortably, and looked out the window grumpily.

“I’m… I’m really sorry about yesterday. It’s not like we have to talk to Thomas everyday…”

John turned to look at him, his brow furrowing in confusion until his face relaxed into realization. “Oh, no… I’m sorry. I’m not mad about that, don’t worry. Sorry.”

Alex felt himself relax a little. “Okay, good,” he smiled, leaning across the seat and placing a kiss on John’s uninjured cheek. John stiffened slightly, forcing a small smile.

Alex felt fear bubble inside him. If not the fight, what had he done wrong? He took a steadying breath.  _ Just a headache, just a headache… _

“I am so sorry I did not come upstairs, little Alex!” Laf interjected dramatically from the passenger seat. “I hurt my ankle this morning!”

Alex laughed lightly, turning to face the front seat. “It’s okay. What happened?”

“I tripped,” Laf said airily, waving a dismissive hand.

“On what, Laf?” Herc chimed teasingly.

“Ugh, it is not that funny, Herc,” Laf sighed, rolling his eyes. “But if you  _ must  _ make me say it, I tripped on the Eiffel tower.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Alex laughed.

“His replica of the Eiffel tower. You know, the one we made for History?” Herc clarified, chortling. “He  _ begged  _ me to take it home last week, so I did. And he comes barreling into my room this morning and trips over it. Serves him right for not taking it home himself.”

“Why must you ridicule me so,  _ amour _ ?” Laf sighed in mock sadness.

“You know I love you,” Herc mumbled, a small smile on his face as he shyly took his boyfriend’s hand. Alexander turned to look over at his own boyfriend, but John seemed disinterested, still staring out the window. Alex felt anxiety grip him. He didn’t want to smother John by asking if he was okay again, but he was genuinely concerned.

Shyly, he reached across the seat to hold John’s hand. Alex smiled when John squeezed it back, but then he quickly retracted it, leaving Alex’s hand feeling empty and cold. His heart started pounding. What was wrong with him?

The car slowed and Alex looked up. They’d arrived at the park. The thought brought a smile to his face and he opened the door as soon as they’d parked. Once they’d all left the van – Hercules carrying Lafayette like a bride – they found their favourite expanse of grass under a beautiful old tree. At Laf’s instruction, John pulled the picnic blanket out of their basket and laid it down gently. Herc carefully set his boyfriend down on the checked fabric.

John plopped down as well, curling his knees up to his chest and placing his chin on them; eyes fixed on a faraway point. Alex sat down next to him, but the freckled boy hardly seemed to take notice.

“Aw come on, are we just gonna sit here?” Herc groaned, looking down at all his lethargic friends. “It’s a beautiful day! Let’s play Frisbee.”

“My ankle,  _ chou _ ,” Laf said with a pout.

“Nine in the fucking morning,” John growled, finally looking away from whatever his eyes were previously fixated on.

“I’ll go,” Alex smiled, wanting a distraction from his worry. As soon as he stood, he held a hand down for his boyfriend. “Come on, John, it’ll be fun!”

John just shook his head, not meeting Alexander’s eyes. Alex felt nervousness bubble up in him again. Biting his lip, he turned back to Herc, who quickly rearranged his also worried face into a breezy smile.

“Who needs ‘em? Let’s go,” he said cheerily, running full tilt down the slope to a full expanse of grass. With a slight smile, Alex followed.

As soon as the boys began to throw the Frisbee back and forth, Laf looked over at John. “What is the matter with you?” he demanded, unsuccessfully trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

“What do you mean?” John grouched, nestling his chin down further between his knees.

Laf grit his teeth. “You are being horrible to Alex! Did you see his face?”

John winced in guilt before returning to its previous disgruntled look. “I’m just tired.”

“That is not an excuse. You know Alex; I have told you this a hundred times. He is fragile. You cannot just shut him out because you’re tired. And I do not think you would. So why?” Laf was glaring daggers at his friend. No matter how much he loved John, he wouldn’t excuse  _ anyone  _ for causing Alex pain.

John sighed, biting his lip. “I… I don’t really know what to tell you, Laf.”

Realization dawned on the French boy’s face, and his expression quickly turned to anger. “John, are you breaking up with him?”

Guilt swept over John again. “Yes,” he muttered. His voice was soft, but it was as though he screamed it. Both boys sat back in silence. Quiet before the storm.

“Why?” Laf demanded, and John flinched at the harsh sound it took on. He never thought he’d see Laf angrier than he was with Jefferson at hospital. He was wrong.

“My soulmate isn’t dead, Laf.”

This was not the answer Lafayette was expecting. His mouth popped open and his eyes bugged. “You – you found -? Who?”

“Aaron,” John stated simply, and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly as he said the name.

“Burr?!” Laf cried in disbelief. “Wh -? How?”

John took a deep breath and shared the whole story. He told Laf about Aaron’s hesitancy to approach him, about his decision to stop writing altogether, and all the heartache that had put them both through. When he told Laf about his decision to forgive Aaron for everything, the French boy placed his head in his hands.

“ _ Dieu...  _ I do not even know what to say.”

“Try to say something… I’ve been keeping this all bottled up,” John urged, leaning forward expectantly.

“John… while I am very happy for you and Aaron, I… I cannot even begin to think what this will do to Alex. He abandoned  _ his  _ soulmate for you, and now you are abandoning him for yours.”

John looked stricken. The thought that Alex had chosen him over Thomas had been subconsciously acknowledged, but never fully internalized. Its sudden clarity made his gut twist with guilt. “I… it’s different. His soulmate is an asshole.”

“Yes, an asshole whose best friend is  _ your  _ soulmate. The situation is not very different, John.”

“But… Aaron had his reasons –” John protested, floundering for a solid argument.

“I am sure Thomas would insist the same thing,” Laf countered. For a few moments John stared at him defiantly, but then released his breath in a resigned huff. “Look, John, I am not saying that you should not be with Aaron…”

“It  _ sounds  _ like that’s what you’re saying!” John retorted angrily.

“But I’m not! All I am saying is that… well… Alex is fragile. And he gave up so much for you. Just think of his feelings.”

“I  _ am  _ thinking of his feelings. And I want to be with Aaron! It’s not fair to him if I’m not fully invested in our relationship,” he shot back heatedly, stung by the accusation of selfishness.

Laf sighed and leaned back against the tree. He looked out over the field below them where Herc and Alex were still running around and laughing like idiots, throwing the disk back and forth. Herc let out a large, booming laugh as the Frisbee knocked Alex on the forehead, and the small boy began to chase his friend around relentlessly, seeking swift vengeance. Laf smiled lightly at the heartwarming sight, and then let out a sigh as he remembered the issue at hand.

“John… do what you think is right. But I warned you that once you were together, it would be so easy to break him. And now here we are,” Laf’s brow furrowed in anger and he shook his head, crossing his arms.

After a moment of silence, John’s voice quietly broke the tension. “I don’t want him to get hurt.”

Laf looked over and saw tears in his friend’s eyes. He felt his resolve soften slightly, but his reply still retained some anger. “Neither do I.”

However, before John could respond, Herc came charging up the hill and plopped himself next to Laf, kissing him quickly. Alex followed, looking slightly bedraggled. He sat himself next to John, who shifted uncomfortably.

“Let’s eat, I’m starving!” Herc announced, rubbing his hands together like a cartoon character. Lafayette smiled at his boyfriend and opened the picnic basket. He began to pass out carefully wrapped sandwiches. Alex’s was a PB & J with the crusts off, Herc’s was ham and cheese, and John’s was a wrap with hummus and vegetables.

“When did you do all this?” Herc asked his boyfriend, looking at him with loving eyes.

“This morning,” Laf shrugged, pulling out his own sandwich (cheese and vegetable). “It is amazing what you can do when you rise with the sun.”

Hercules laughed at the pretentiousness of his soulmate’s statement and took a bite of his sandwich, letting out a satisfied groan. John made a similar noise of assent as he started his, but Alex only picked at his bread.

“Is something wrong?” Laf asked gently, reaching behind John to touch Alex’s hand. “I made it with the white bread you like…”

“Oh. No, it’s fine, Laf. I’m just not all that hungry,” Alex shrugged. He had been ravenous moments before, but as soon as he’d sat down next to an indifferent John, his stomach became unsettled again.

“What?” Herc cried, “You were just groaning about how hungry you were! That’s why we came up here.”

Alex shrugged again, feeling his nerves tug at him.

“C’mon, dude. Your dad would want you to eat,” Herc urged, looking at his friend with genuine concern in his eyes.

Alex bit his lip; the thought of his father made his chest feel tight. His father wanted him to be with Thomas, and he had gotten together with John instead. But now John was practically ignoring him. He was such a disappointment to everyone…

He willed his anxiety to subside. All he wanted was a peaceful day with his best friends. He wanted to enjoy the sunshine. But instead, his throat was constricting and his heart was pounding. The panic rising fast, Alex suddenly felt a desperate need to escape.

“Be right back. Bathroom,” Alex choked out, getting to his feet quickly and running in the direction of the park’s maintenance building. Before he could make it there, though, he dizzily stumbled against a tree and sat down. Luckily he was out of his friends’ line of sight.

Breathing heavily, he rolled back his sleeve. Thomas’ beautiful drawing was smudged into a black smear. He had ruined it. Like everything else. Tears brimmed his eyes and began to fall as his breathing got more laboured. He searched his pockets for a pen and came up empty. His tears began to fall heavier as desperation overwhelmed him. He was alone. He couldn’t handle this alone.

“Alex,” he heard from above him, and his head snapped up. John was looking down at him in concern. Alex sobbed softly; half in relief, half in shame.

He felt John sit next to him and place an arm around him. He leaned heavily into the embrace.

“Shh, Alex. It’s okay,” John muttered. Alex wasn’t sure if he was imagining the slightly exasperated tone John’s voice took on, but his insides squirmed even more ferociously. This wasn’t helping. John was making it worse. Alex shoved John’s arm roughly off of him and curled more tightly into himself, unsuccessfully attempting to calm his panic.

“What do you want me to do?” John asked, and now the frustrated edge in his voice was definitely not imagined.

Alex couldn’t bring himself to reply, he just kept himself in a ball, beginning to rock back and forth. He heard John get up and leave, which caused him even more grief. He was completely alone. A few minutes, or hours, or seconds later, he heard footsteps approaching and felt strong arms around him. He was curled gently into a wide chest.

“Hey bud.” Herc’s deep voice rumbled through Alex’s body. “Just breathe, okay?”

Alex nodded slightly and tried his best to draw in breath. It simply hissed through his tightly clenched teeth.

“ _ Tu es d’accord, mon petit lion. Nous ne te blesserons pas. Nous t’aimons, _ ” he heard Laf’s voice whisper softly and felt gentle fingers in his hair.

“Whatever he said,” Herc seconded, and Alex hissed out a choked laugh, his breath coming more easily. He felt his heartrate slow as he clung tightly to Hercules.

“You okay now, Alex?” Herc asked, patting his friend on the back as he pulled away, wiping at his tear-soaked face.

Alex felt his cheeks heat up as he looked around. Herc was holding him tightly, still looking on with concern, and Laf was positioned beside him, a doting look in his eyes, his hand continuing to stroke Alex’s hair. John was standing back a few feet, looking very out of place.

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered softly, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “This was supposed to be a nice day.”

“Still is,” Herc said cheerily, playfully ruffling his friend’s hair. “C’mon. Let’s go finish our lunch.”

He stood and turned around, crouching. With a small smile, Alex clambered up onto Hercules’ back. Once securing his friend in place, Hercules charged away, back toward their picnic spot. Lafayette watched them go with an unreadable expression on his face. Once they’d disappeared from sight, the French boy turned to John, who was still shocked into a guilty silence.

John returned the look, his eyes tortured. “How can I tell him  _ now _ ?” he asked helplessly.

“You won’t,” Laf said firmly. “Let him enjoy the sunshine. And be kind to him.”

“When should I -?” John began, but Laf cut him off in a cold tone.

“Do not ask me for advice on when to break Alex’s heart.”

John flinched at the hardness of his words, and Laf sighed, placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. But this is between you and Alex.”

“But I –”

“Just let him have today,” Laf said with finality, turning and leaving the freckled boy alone amongst the trees; helpless. 


	12. Asleep

Alex calmed down once Herc had carried him to the top of the hill. Despite the horrid attack, it provided some release, and he found himself ravenous. He was so hungry, in fact, that he practically devoured his sandwich in one gulp, pleasing Laf immensely. After he’d eaten, they all lounged about and talked for a few hours, just trying to enjoy the warm weather and one another’s company, with one notable exception; John remained almost completely silent and subdued, staring off into space.  

“Hey, you know what we haven’t done in forever?” Herc asked suddenly, ending a silence in which both Laf and Alex were trying to nap. Alex sat up groggily, rubbing at his eyes with his fist.

“What?” he demanded, his voice rough from tiredness.

“A sleepover!” he replied cheerily, ignoring the disgruntled groans from both Alex and Laf. “We haven’t had one since school started… Why don’t you guys come over tonight? My parents are gone... We can just watch movies and hang out… it’ll be fun!”

A small, loving smile appeared on Laf’s face. “I love that idea! Alex? John?”

Alex smiled. “I’d have to grab some things from home… but yeah.”

“John?” Herc asked, turning to his ill-tempered friend.

"Um... I don't know if my dad..." he trailed off, looking away awkwardly.

"He works tonight, doesn't he?" Alex supplied.

"Yeah... he does," John nodded reluctantly.

“Then he won't mind that you're gone,” Alex said, shooting his boyfriend a smile that went unreturned.

"Perfect!" Herc grinned, clapping his hands together once. "Let's get going."

Laf got shakily to his feet, rocking a little on his sore ankle. "You and Alex got ahead, _chou._ John, can you help me with the basket?"

"Babe, I'll do that, you need to rest your foot," Herc said, flashing to Laf's side in an instant. His soulmate shot him a meaningful look and they held a silent conversation with their eyes. Herc nodded and turned to leave, beckoning Alex to come with him. Alex glanced back in confusion, but followed with little hesitation.

"The sun's setting, Laf," John said flatly as soon as they were alone. He bent to start packing the basket up again, throwing the empty food containers in haphazardly.

“You can wait a bit longer,” Laf said sharply.

"But a sleepover? Are you serious?" John demanded.

When Laf didn’t reply, John rolled his eyes angrily and continued. “I get what you and Herc are trying to do. Delay the moment as much as possible…”

"Herc doesn't know anything about this," Laf snapped back. "How could he? He just wants to have fun."

"God, you're infuriating," John sniped angrily. "I just... I need it to be over with, Laf. For all our sakes."

"Have you not caused enough damage for today, John?" Laf demanded hotly, watching John bunch up the picnic blanket and stuff it roughly into the basket.

"I didn't _cause_ anything, Laf. Like you said, he's fragile," he retorted, his guilt turning to anger. "Don't blame everything on me just because you're mad."

"I am not," Laf protested. "I just want Alex to be happy. Please do not tell him tonight."

John looked like he was going to fight back again, but then sighed in resignation. "I won't. But let me tell him tomorrow."

"Thank you," Laf said with finality, turning to limp down the hill.

John's face contorted with anger. "By the way!" he shouted at his friend's retreating form. "For someone who doesn't want to tell me when to break Alex's heart, you sure seem to have a lot of opinions about it!"

Laf didn't acknowledge the outburst, but kept limping along.

"And I guess I'll just carry this fucking _basket_ for you too, huh?" John yelled. When Laf continued to ignore him, he kicked at the tree angrily. Swearing at the sharp pain in his foot, he picked up the basket and began to follow Laf down the hill, trying to take some steadying breaths.

When he got to the car, he buckled himself in grumpily, crossing his arms in a huff and glaring out the window.

"You okay, babe?" Alex asked quietly, and John turned. His boyfriend's eyes were wide and shiny, full of concern. John's anger dissolved slightly and was replaced with a gnawing guilt.

"Yeah. 'M fine," John replied gruffly, and looked out the window again. "My head hurts."

"Still?" Alex asked, reaching out a hand and lightly touching his boyfriend on the arm. John's eyes closed, feeling sick. He nodded curtly and Alex retracted his hand, biting his lip.

The car slowed and Alex looked out the window to see his apartment building.

"Need help getting your shit?" Herc asked cheerfully, blissfully unaware of the tension that was brewing in the backseat of Laf's minivan.

"Uh yeah, thanks," Alex replied, shooting a worried glance at his boyfriend before leaving the car. He and Herc bounded up the many stairs to the apartment and rushed inside.

"Hey boys! How was your day?" George asked as soon as he heard the door open. His head popped out of the kitchen to greet the teens, and he looked concerned at the absence of his son’s most frequent visitor. "Gil's ankle still hurting?"

"Yeah," Herc said with half a smile.

“Maybe he should go see a doctor,” George suggested, his brow furrowed in worry.

“He’ll be fine,” Herc laughed. “He’s a drama queen.”

George frowned, resenting Hercules’ gibe. Before his father could say anything in defense of Gil, Alex cut in.

"Hey dad, can I sleep over at Herc's place tonight? I'll be back tomorrow morning..." he asked gently, smiling up at his father.

George gave his son a searching look. He noticed immediately that his son wasn’t in best form. "Of course that's fine, son. You alright?"

Alex nodded vaguely and plastered another smile on his face. "I'll go get my things."

He and Herc went to his room and started hastily throwing clothes and toiletries into his backpack. Hercules looked at the pill bottles on his friend's nightstand. "Which ones do you need?"

Alex turned to look at what Herc was referring to and his face coloured. "Um... all of them," he said awkwardly, his heart thrumming a little.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed, dude," Hercules said genuinely, packing them without great care. "We all just want you to be okay."

Alex looked with wide eyes at his friend, touched. "Thanks, Herc," he said softly.

"You all set?" he asked, turning to his little friend with a wide grin. Alex returned it and nodded, following Herc out of the room and down the hall.

"Y'all have fun tonight. Call if you need me," George said, and Herc left with a little wave. "Alex, hang on a second."

Alex paused for a moment before leaving, turning to face his father.

"You okay?" George asked gently, touching his son's cheek. Alex nodded and his father sighed. "You have your medication?"

"Yep."

"You'll eat?"

"Yep."

"Call me in the morning, okay?"

"I will, dad," Alex said, rolling his eyes.

"Alright. Have fun," George sighed again and ruffled his son's hair.

With one foot out the door, Alex paused again. "I love you, dad."

He could hear the smile in his father's voice as he softly returned, "Love you too, son."

* * *

 

"Hercules Mulligan. We are not watching Beauty and the Beast again," Laf said flatly, cocking an eyebrow at his soulmate.

"Come on," Herc groaned. "Doesn't it remind you of home?"

"Excuse me. France is not halted in the 1700s, thank you very much," Laf retorted, mouth agape. "And we have watched that movie a hundred times. Alex, what do you want to watch?"

"I'm good with anything."

"Even Beauty and the Beast?" Hercules asked hopefully.

"No!" Laf asserted, rolling his eyes.

"Why don't we watch The Princess Bride?" Alex suggested, looking over at John in hopes that the mention of his favourite movie would garner some sort of reaction. John didn’t even look over. Feeling anxiety build in his stomach again, Alex shrugged. "Or whatever. It really doesn't matter."

"Why don't we just watch The Office?" Herc suggested, and Laf and Alex nodded their agreement vigorously.

"Perfect," Alex grinned. "That good with you, John?"

John's head snapped up at the mention of his name. "Sure. Whatever," he shrugged.

Alex felt a slight nausea hit him, nervousness constricting his stomach and airway. He tried to subtly take some steadying breaths as Herc booted up his ancient Wii to open Netflix. Laf turned to look at his small friend at the sound of his slightly laboured breathing.

" _Es-tu d'accord,_ Alex?" he asked quietly, putting an arm around him. Immediately, the small boy cuddled into his side and nestled his face into the French boy's chest, nodding slightly. Laf kissed the top of his head and began to rub gentle circles on his back.

When Herc turned around to sit on the couch and saw Alex cuddled up, he shot a nervous and questioning glance at Laf. His soulmate gazed back steadily, conveying his frustration at John and his concern for Alex quite clearly. Herc’s brow furrowed as he glanced over at John, who was now idly picking at his fingernails.

"John, can you help me get the popcorn?" Herc asked, and his voice came out louder than he'd hoped; wincing as he saw Alex flinch slightly.

John heaved himself off the couch and walked to the kitchen distractedly.

"Where's your head, dude?" Herc asked as soon as they were alone and out of earshot.

John shrugged, and Herc continued, trying to keep his voice level as he threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave. "Look. I don't know what's going on with you today. And it's fine to have bad days, I get it. But why are you being such a dick to Alex?"

"I wish everyone would just get off my case," John cut in angrily, crossing his arms.

"We would if you chilled the fuck out," Herc stated plainly, mirroring John's crossed arms. At the freckled boy's silence, Herc continued as calmly as he could. "Pay attention to your boyfriend. He needs you."

John looked down at the floor grumpily, tracing the pattern on one of the tiles with the tip of his foot.

"I'm serious, John. If you don't, we're gonna have a problem."

John looked up sharply at the threatening tone in Herc's voice. They held one another’s gaze for a moment. Herc was normally a very gentle person; intimidating in appearance and stature, but he had never, to the best of John's knowledge, acted upon this natural dominance. Despite this, there was no one he'd less like to cross. John looked away from the stare-off, colour rising in his cheeks.

"Okay. Sorry," he said, a genuine tone entering his disgruntled voice.

"Okay," Herc nodded, pulling the popcorn out of the microwave.

Together, they left the kitchen to join Laf and Alex on the couch. John sat next to Alex and gently placed his hand over his boyfriend's. Alex looked over in surprise, hope sparkling in his eyes. They laced their fingers together and Alex happily dropped his head onto John's shoulder, cuddling up.

While the familiar high-pitched theme song wailed at them from Herc's TV, Alex felt his anxiety building again. He couldn't think why. He was comfortable, and for the first time that day, his boyfriend was showing him some affection. Nevertheless, his heart was thrumming and his stomach was rolling.

“Popcorn, Alex?” Herc asked, holding the bag out to his small friend. Alex’s stomach immediately did a flip at the thought of eating, and he got up in a rush, and, with a forced smile, announced that he was going to the washroom.

He walked down Herc's familiar hall, tripping slightly as dizziness clouded his mind. Once he reached the end of the hall, rather than turning left to the bathroom, he turned right into his friend’s bedroom, bumping into the doorframe on his way in. He went straight to his desk; quickly finding a pen and dropping into the chair

_Are you there?_

After a moment, Thomas' familiar writing appeared. _I'm here. Are you okay?_

 _The stars smudged,_ Alex wrote, biting his lip. His anxiety continued to rise in him like a helium balloon, compressing his lungs and pushing all his air out.

_Want some new ones?_

_Yes please,_ he hastily scribbled back, and smiled down at his arm as stars began to appear. His heart rate began to slow as he watched the pigment mark his skin. Thomas’ carefully calculated, mesmerizing strokes calmed Alex into a sort of trance. His stomach was no longer tight, and his breathing was coming in a longer, more sustained rhythm. He only snapped out of his stupor when he heard a light knocking on the bedroom door. Herc’s head peeked around the door and into the room.

“Hey. You okay?” he asked calmly, and Alex was grateful he wasn’t mad about his room being invaded without permission.

Alex nodded slightly, and Herc’s eyes moved down to his friend’s arm, where stars were still appearing. He smiled and crossed the room to sit next to Alex, putting his arm around the small boy comfortingly. Alex gratefully leaned into his friend’s muscled shoulder, and he felt himself being pulled into a full hug. The small boy grinned. There was nothing like a hug from Herc; a rare but spiritual experience.

“I’m okay,” Alex said gently when Herc pulled back.

“What triggered it?”

“I don’t know…” Alex shrugged, but then he felt words bubble up and out. “I guess I’ve been kind of worried about everything with John. We got in that fight, and now he’s been really distant, and then, all of a sudden he wants to cuddle, and… I just feel like I don’t know where we stand.”

Herc winced slightly and heaved a sigh. “I’m sure he loves you, dude. I think he’s just going through some stuff right now.”

“He seemed mad at me earlier.”

“When?” Herc demanded, brow furrowing.

“At the park… when I had my attack. Before you guys showed up he just kinda seemed… frustrated.”

“Frustrated?”

“With me. Like I was… an inconvenience,” Alex muttered, his voice wavering slightly. Immediately he was in Herc’s arms again, his back being rubbed gently.

“I’m sure that’s not how he meant to make you feel. Maybe he felt frustrated with himself? Because he wasn’t there for you?” Herc suggested, and Alex smiled.

“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe that’s it,” he nodded. Herc grinned and ruffled his hair.

“You ready for some more Office?” he asked, bounding to his feet with an excited smile.

“In a minute,” Alex laughed, and Herc nodded in understanding, leaving to give his friend some space.

Alex smiled down at his arm, where Thomas was now filling in the background of the night sky with crosshatching, creating a beautiful galaxy with his pen. Inside, he felt his heart warm at the thought of Thomas putting aside whatever he was doing to focus all his energy on this drawing. He felt butterflies in his stomach… and they weren’t the nervous kind.

 _Thank you, Thomas,_ he wrote, his cheeks flushing. Thank you didn’t seem adequate. He wanted to express how much it meant to him to have Thomas there; wanted to tell him how he felt.

How did he feel?

Knowing the answer, but feeling too many confused emotions to admit it to himself, Alex just added a little heart after his words. As soon as he’d done so, he felt guilt swarm him. He shouldn’t be feeling anything for Thomas; he had John. His breath caught as Thomas carefully drew a heart next to his before back to colouring in the night sky.

His heart swelled as the inky details were loving filled in. Alex felt a smile pull at his lips, but he forced it off his face. John didn’t deserve this. With a sigh, he left Herc’s room, walking slowly back to the couch, where he settled next to John.

“You okay?” John asked.

“Yeah,” Alex shrugged, and his boyfriend turned back to the TV, not pressing any further. This was mildly infuriating, but Alex didn’t want to start anything. He’d caused enough grief for the day.

One episode turned into two, then three, then four, and by the time they all were too tired to continue, they’d finished half a season. It was about one in the morning when they all decided to turn in.

Alex went to the bathroom before going to sleep, splashing his face with cold water. He let the sharp sensation wash away his anxiety. Before leaving, he made sure to take all his pills, washing them down with water. He took some deep breaths, staring at himself in the mirror. His eyes looked tired, but his spirits had slightly improved. He glanced down at the beautiful galaxy on his arm. Despite the guilt that came with it, he couldn’t help but smile.

Once back with his friends, they all rolled out their sleeping bags on Herc’s living room floor, cozying up. They chatted for about half an hour until Herc fell asleep, cueing them to follow suit.

Alex lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling as his thoughts swirled. After an hour and a half of this, a small crack of thunder was heard. Alex jumped slightly at the noise, his heart beginning to pound. The thought of a storm just made him more restless… He first thought about seeing if Thomas was still awake, but he shook his head. He had a boyfriend...

“John? Are you awake?” he whispered.

After a moment, he heard John’s quiet reply, “Yeah.”

Alex crawled out of his sleeping bag and over to John’s, which he unzipped carefully. He cuddled up next to his boyfriend, hoping it would help him sleep.

“You okay?” John asked sleepily, still somehow managing to sound angry when only semi-conscious.

“Yeah. Are you? You’ve been acting weird all day.”

“I’m fine,” John said gruffly, but placed a kiss on Alex’s head. Shyly, Alex rubbed a hand over his boyfriend’s chest and reached up to kiss him on the neck. John let out a little grunt of surprise, but didn’t protest. Alex kissed up his boyfriend’s jaw, sitting up and straddling John’s hips.

He locked his lips to John’s and ran his fingers through his curly hair, twisting each little ringlet carefully. He heard the rain pick up outside, and he straightened, biting his lip. To distract himself, he leaned down and pressed his lips to his boyfriend’s.

“Alex, what are we doing here?” John asked nervously, breaking the kiss.

“Nothing serious,” Alex assured his boyfriend, laying a gentle kiss on his lips. “I just haven’t kissed you all day, and that’s a travesty.”

“I love you,” he whispered against the skin of his boyfriend’s neck, feeling anxiety tighten in his stomach, but trying to ignore it.

“Alex. Stop,” John said firmly, and, surprised, Alex backed off, his throat constricting with nerves, darkness intruding on his vision as his heart began to pound.

“I’m sorry. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I just…”

“Alex, I met my soulmate.”

John’s voice was direct and closed. Alex looked at his boyfriend in disbelief, unsure exactly of what he was hearing or what it meant.

“You met... ? John, what does that mean?” Alex asked, feeling panic rising.

John’s face hardened. The cold, immovable look in John’s eyes left no room for interpretation; they were done. A loud crack of thunder sounded directly overhead, and tremors shot down Alex’s spine. Realizing he’d be left alone in a storm yet again, he felt his vision cloud, his thoughts becoming ever darker.

Alex was suddenly on his feet, his mind a cesspool of stormy anger, and he was running. Outside. Rain pattering his face. As his breathing became more laboured, Alex leaned his back against a small tree and slid to the ground. As the rain continued to pour, Alex felt his panic overwhelm him, and he had collapsed. His back on the solid earth.

He looked up. There were no stars in sight.


	13. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: self-harm/blood

John bolted upright as soon as Alex was off his lap. “Alex, wait!”

He watched the boy stumble out Herc’s backdoor and into the backyard. Watched him slump against the tree then fall to the ground, staring up at the sky. John got to his feet and flew to the door, pulling it wide. He ran out through the pelting rain and crouched next to Alex’s head.

“Alex, are you okay?” he realized how stupid his words were as soon as they were out of his mouth, but he couldn’t take them back. He watched nervously as Alex scrunched his eyes tight and placed his fists over them; as if his head was about to explode and this was the only way to prevent that. His breathing was coming in short gasps.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…” John muttered under his breath and left Alex’s side, running back into the house, trailing wet, muddy footprints into the living room. “Herc! Laf! Wake up!”

Laf immediately sat upright, his eyes still half-closed but his voice alert. “What’s going on?”

“Alex…” John said softly and Laf jumped to his feet in an instant, ignoring the pain shooting through his ankle and bolting past John into the backyard. Herc got up as well.

“What happened?” he asked, and John felt guilt overwhelm him.

“I, uh…” he stuttered, his cheeks going red. He looked down at the ground in shame as Herc let out a groan of frustration and dashed out to the backyard.

John followed behind hesitantly, filled with regret. But this needed to happen. It needed to happen…

“Alex,  _ mon enfant _ ,” Laf was cooing lovingly, stroking Alex’s wet hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Alex whispered and Laf’s eyes went wide.

“ _ Mon petit lion, tu n’as rien pour lequel de t’excuser. Tu es d’accord maintenant. Tu es sûr. _ ”

Alex began to relax slightly, and Laf let out a sigh of relief. John watched the scene unfold as if removed from the situation. He was completely helpless; Alex needed Laf right now, and John knew that if he did anything, he’d be shoved away, like before. His guilt now swirled with anger; at whom, he wasn’t certain, but the rage was swelling. 

“Let’s get him out of the rain,” Laf said nervously, and Herc nodded, scooping the small boy into his arms and carrying him back inside.

“What happened, Alex?” Herc asked gently as they came in out of the storm.

John’s stomach contracted with fear and he trailed behind, watching Alex warily.

“Was it a dream?” Laf asked softly as Herc laid him down on the couch. Alex shook his head, and Laf turned around. “John, you were the first up. What happened?”

John bit his lip and hugged his middle tightly, as if to hold in all the guilt and anger that was threatening to burst. 

“He wouldn’t say,” Herc supplied, a note of annoyance in his voice. John’s stomach dropped as Laf’s eyes widened in realization.

“John. Tell me you didn’t,” Laf demanded, and his voice shook with anger.

“I had to,” John replied softly, a lump rising in his throat.

“I said give him today!” Laf snapped back, eyes flashing. 

John held up his hands, defensively taking a step back. “Technically that was yesterday! He was on top of me, I couldn’t pretend anymore -”

“What? What happened?” Herc asked, his head whipping back and forth between John and Laf.

Laf’s rage-filled eyes burned into John’s, but he replied steadily, “John broke up with Alex.”

His stare-down at John was only broken when thunder shook the house again and Alex groaned softly. Laf immediately turned back to him, stroking his hair as lovingly and calmingly as he could.

That left Herc to deal with John. “Why the fuck would you break up with him?” Herc demanded angrily. “You knew what you were getting into, Laf and I warned you! Fuck, John! You had so many chances to-”

“It’s not my fault!” John yelled, his rage finally bursting through. “I’m so fucking sick of this! I’m not the bad guy because I told him the truth. I found my soulmate. He’s not dead. I found him. That should be a good thing, right? But instead you and Laf are freaking out at me when I literally have  _ no control  _ over what is happening!” John took deep, livid breaths, shaking slightly in his anger.

Herc stared his friend down, fire building behind his eyes. “You should go, John.”

John laughed in disbelief, raising his hands to his head. “I didn’t do anything wrong! It’s not my fault!”

Laf looked up. “It does not matter, John. Go.”

John’s face darkened. “Fuck you guys,” he muttered venomously and spun on his heel, dropping to the ground to gather his things.

He was still shaking as threw on his backpack, stomping out of Herc’s home. As soon as he was outside, he swayed slightly, overcome with the pent-up emotion of the night. Relief, fear, pity, guilt, and rage were just a few of the feelings that swirled inside him as he sat down on Herc’s front porch, resting his head on his knees to take some steadying breaths.

Where was he supposed to go? His father wasn’t home, and even if he was, he would be the last person John would want to speak to. His mind wandered to Aaron. Would he be awake? John pulled out his phone and found Aaron’s contact that had been made a few days prior.

He dialled the number quickly and listened to it ring. On the fifth tone, Aaron’s tired voice answered. “John? Are you okay?”

“No,” he replied, and crushing loneliness washed over him, tears filling his eyes.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?” Aaron suddenly sounded alert, and John could hear shuffling, as if he was getting dressed.

“Herc’s house. I just broke up with Alex.”

He heard Aaron take a deep breath and say softly, “I’m on my way.”

* * *

 

It was 3:30 in the morning when George got the call. The shrill, piercing ringtone easily cut through his shallow slumber, and he was alert in a moment, all thoughts on Alex. When he saw that it was Gilbert, he was stricken with worry.

“Gil. Is Alex okay?” he said as soon as he’d picked up the phone.

“Yes… he has just had a difficult night,” Gil’s uncertain voice flooded George with worry.

“Was it a nightmare?” he asked, already getting out of bed to pull on some clothes.

“No… John broke up with him,” Laf said, and George could hear the anger in his voice. He, himself, felt automatic contempt for the freckled boy he used to be fond of. “And he was already having a bad day…”

“I’m on my way. Tell him I’m coming,” George said shortly, and he heard Laf relay the message to Alexander in French.

“He is glad to know you are coming,” Laf said softly into the phone, and George’s lips turned up into a small smile.

“I’ll be there as soon as possible. Thank you, Gil.” George hung up the phone and left the apartment, whipping his keys off the hook in the front hall and rushing down the stairs. As soon as he felt the heavy rain against his head, George swore. The storm would not be helping Alex. When he got into his small car, he had to take a moment to collect himself before driving.

He tried to pay very careful attention to the road, very consciously going through all the motions of braking, shifting gears, accelerating… it distracted him from worrying about Alex. When he finally arrived at Hercules’ house, he released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

He got out of the car quickly, striding with purpose up to the door. He was shocked to find John sitting on the front porch with his head in his hands.

“You alright, son?” he asked curtly, more as a subtle request for him to move to the side than actual interest. John’s head shot up, and fear was plain in his eyes.

“John!” 

They both turned to look at the source of the noise and saw Aaron coming up the driveway at a jog. He approached John and helped him up off the steps, wrapping him in a tight hug. As soon as they pulled out of the embrace, both boys turned to George; Aaron looking bemused as John shifted guiltily.

“Um… I –” John stuttered, but George held up a silencing hand, brushing past the boys.

As George raised his fist to knock, John softly said, “Can you tell him I’m sorry?”

George fixed John with a searching look. He held it for a few seconds before knocking, not replying to the boy’s plea. 

Herc opened the door and smiled gratefully at George before letting him in. “I’m so sorry we had to call so late. Or early, I guess,” Herc said awkwardly.

“I’m glad you did,” George said genuinely, walking past Herc into the house. 

When he stepped aside to let his friend’s dad through, Hercules’ eyes landed on John and Aaron. He frowned. He loved John, but the kid needed to learn when he wasn’t wanted. 

“What’re you still doing here?” he asked, his words coming out more demanding than he’d intended. 

“We’re leaving,” John said coldly, grabbing Aaron’s hand and turning to go. 

“John,” Herc called after him, and he saw his friend turn around to face him. He took a deep breath. “Text me when you get home, okay?”

A small smile graced John’s features and he nodded, turning away. Seconds later John and Aaron had disappeared into the night, and Herc went back into his home.

He quickly caught up to George, who had cut through the foyer to the living room, where he saw Alex was still cuddled into Laf’s side, his face red. Herc watched as George approached his son with loving concern written all over his face. 

“Are you okay?” George asked, sitting next to Alex and laying a comforting hand on his back.

After a moment of silence, Laf spoke up. “He has not been talking much. He seems to be in shock.”

“Did he have an attack?”

“We don’t know,” Herc cut in. “It doesn’t seem like his normal… not that it’s normal, but it’s not…”

“I understand,” George said with a warm smile as Herc struggled to find the words. He leaned down over his son and gently brushed some hair away from his face. Alex’s eyes opened slightly at the touch, and, looking over at his father, a small smile graced his face.

“Hi son,” George whispered. “Do you want to go home? You can get some rest…” 

The moment his father mentioned leaving, Alex instinctively clutched tightly to Laf as if he depended on him for survival. A gentle smile appeared on the French boy’s face and he looked up at George with a questioning look.

“Gil, do you mind spending the night with us?” George asked, and Gil beamed in response.

“Of course not.”

“I’ll get the car started,” George said, taking his leave. Herc walked over to the couch and picked Alex up in his arms as though he weighed nothing. Laf gathered up all of Alex’s belongings and his own and they all left the house together. Alex flinched as lightning lit up the sky, but Herc squeezed him reassuringly.

Herc deposited his small friend in the backseat and kissed his soulmate. “Let me know how he is, okay?”

“I will,” Laf said softly, touching his boyfriend’s cheek before getting into the backseat next to Alex, who immediately cuddled close. George drove away slowly, not wanting to frighten Alex at all. Herc waved after them sadly, and went back into his house; alone.

In the car, Laf gently rubbed his friend’s back in a soothing pattern, though he wasn’t shaking or crying.

“ _ Es-tu d’accord, mon petit lion? Tu n’as dit rien depuis ton père est arrivé. _ ” Alex mumbled something, and Laf leaned close. “I did not hear you, Alex.”

Softly, Alex repeated himself at a whisper. “Three days. That’s how long it took me to fuck things up.”

Laf’s eyes widened. “ _ Non _ , Alex… You did not do anything wrong.”

“I did, though,” he said helplessly, and George looked in the rear-view mirror, having heard his son’s soft voice. Laf stared back at the man nervously, still cradling Alex as tightly as possible.

“I didn’t do anything right, I was still talking to Thomas… I should have stopped that. And I’m too… I tried to tell him, but he didn’t listen. I’m too much…” Alex breathed in deeply, and Laf stroked his hair.

“Alex, you should not have to stop talking to people who you care about because you are dating someone. That is silly. And you are not too much to handle; you are perfect,” Laf said as reassuringly as he could.

“He… couldn’t deal with me, so he chose someone else…”

“That is not what happened, Alex, he just found his soulmate…”

“I found mine,” Alex said softly and Laf winced. “And I picked John.”

Not having a reply, Laf just continued to stroke his hair until they got to the apartment, where they all went promptly to bed. As Laf lay next to Alex in the darkness, he made one last-ditch effort to make the boy feel alright.

“Alex, you really did not do anything wrong. You love John, and you did all you could for him, but it was not meant to be. It is not your fault.”

“It is my fault,” Alex insisted, holding himself tightly.

“How?” Laf demanded, propping himself up in the bed.

“I love Thomas,” Alex breathed softly, and rolled over, squeezing his eyes shut.

Laf’s eyes widened, and he propped himself up on one elbow to peer down at his friend in disbelief. He lay down on his back, staring up at the ceiling for a long time before quietly slipping out of bed, whipping his phone out of his pocket and dialling Herc.

“Laf, are you okay? Is Alex okay?” Herc’s voice anxiously bubbled through the speaker after only one ring.

“I… I think Alex is okay. He is… distant,” Laf muttered softly into his phone.

“Is he sleeping?”

“Yes,” Laf whispered, after looking over at his friend to double-check. “He’s asleep.”

“Good,” Herc murmured. “John got home safe, too…”

Laf bit his lip. “Good,” he said shortly.

“But are you okay, love?” Herc asked gently, and Laf’s heart thawed a little. Herc only used pet names when he was genuinely concerned.

“Yes, I think so…” Laf replied, not really knowing how to respond truthfully. “I… I am worried about Alex. It is good that I’m here, but still…”

“You’re worried,” Herc repeated in an understanding tone. “Same here… but please remember to take care of yourself. I know Alex needs you, but…”

“No. That’s it,” Laf countered. “Alex needs me. I can worry about myself later.”

“No. Worry about yourself now,” Herc said sharply. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be harsh, but… I’m worried about you. You do everything for Alex. Make sure you’re okay.”

“I am,” Laf said with a smile.

“Promise?” Herc asked.

“Promise,” Laf nodded.

“You should go to sleep,” Herc murmured then, his voice sounding tender.

“You as well,  _ chéri, _ ” Laf whispered. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Herc muttered back. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will,” Laf promised, hanging up and slipping back into bed with Alex. It took a long time to fall asleep.

* * *

 

Laf woke up in a fright on Sunday morning when he noticed that Alex was no longer beside him in bed. It was a few moments of pure panic before he spotted his small friend sitting out on the fire escape, his legs dangling out over the stairs. The rain had stopped, but the sky was grey and cloudy. Laf cracked open the window and felt the cold morning air attack him. He clambered out to join his friend on the metal structure, which was icy cold in the late October weather. His ankle rocked unsteadily, but he ignored the pain, worrying only about his friend.

“Are you okay?” Laf asked gently, and Alex shrugged. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Another shrug. Laf sighed and sat next to his friend, shivering. “Are you not cold?” he asked Alex, brow furrowed. He shrugged in reply again, but Laf noticed that his jaw was set as if trying to keep his teeth from chattering, and his fingernails were dug so far into his goose-bumped arms that red marks were appearing.

“Oh, Alex,” Laf sighed, scooching toward his friend and wrapping a warm, securing arm around him. “Why do you do this?”

His friend remained in stony silence, his fingernails digging harder into his flesh. “ _ Chou _ , you are bleeding!” Laf cried, trying to get Alex to release his tight grip. The blood dripped down his arm, and Laf felt his stomach tighten in queasiness.

After a moment, Alex did release his arms, and Laf sighed in relief, until he saw why.

_ Are you okay? Why is there blood?  _ Had written itself quickly on Alex’s arm, slightly shaky. Alex got to his feet to go find a pen, but Laf grabbed his wrist.

“Sit down,” he commanded, and Alex did as he was told, not meeting his friend’s eyes. “You wanted me to come over last night, and I am here. Now talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?” Alex asked grumpily, his finger running softly over Thomas’ words.

“Why not start with Thomas?”

Alex sighed. “I love him, obviously. I’ve loved him forever, that doesn’t just  _ go away.  _ But I picked John, because I thought he’d be better for me, and look at that! We won the world record for the shortest and most unhealthy relationship ever. Congrats to us.”

“But you love John.”

“Of course I do,” Alex said softly, tears filling his eyes.

“And he loves you,” Laf pressed.

“But when I had the choice, I picked him. When he had the choice…”

“I know,” Laf sighed. “But he did love you. Does.”

“Is that why he ignored me all day yesterday? Made me feel horrible about myself? Completely worthless?” Alex bit his inner cheek bitterly as he looked out over the city. He looked at the blood running down his arm and placed his fingernails in the cuts again, squeezing hard.

“Alex!” Laf cried, prying his fingers away. “Why would you hurt yourself?”

They locked eyes for a minute, and Laf’s filled up with tears. “Oh, Alex,” he whispered softly, pulling him into a hug. The small boy was resistant at first, but after a few moments, he melted into his friend’s arms, letting the embrace calm him.

“Why can’t I just be okay?” he asked helplessly, and Laf felt his heart break.

“You will be okay,  _ chou _ ,” Laf muttered softly, rubbing his friend’s back in soothing circles.

They stayed like that for a long time, in silence save for the occasional sob. After about five minutes of this, a message wrote itself on Laf’s arm;  _ Tell him he’s loved. _

With a smile, Laf relayed Herc’s message to his small friend, who laughed softly and pulled himself out of Laf’s arms.

“Did you tell him I was upset?” Alex asked, wiping at his tears.

“No,” Laf smiled. “He just knew, I guess.”

They were both silent for a few minutes, remaining cuddled together. From one another’s body heat, being outside became more bearable. “You wanna go inside?” Alex asked after a long time. “I’m a bit cold.”

Laf grinned. “Let’s go.”

As they began to clamber over the windowsill again, they heard a loud banging coming from the front door.

“Thomas? What are you –?” George’s voice reached their ears.

“Alex! Where is he?”

Both Alex and Laf froze at the sound of Thomas’ voice; he’d never written a reply to Thomas’ worried scrawl. In seconds, Thomas was at his bedroom door, George hovering behind with a worried look on his face.

Alex and Thomas stared at one another for a moment before the latter let out a soft, “Oh thank God,” and wrapped the smaller boy in a tight hug. Alex felt himself go weak as his soulmate held him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, nuzzling his face into Thomas’ chest. “I’m so, so sorry…”

“Let’s give these two a moment alone,” George said gently, and Alex looked up to see Laf leave behind his father, closing the door with a soft click.

“What happened?” Thomas asked, guiding Alex to his bed, keeping his arm around him protectively.

Alex shook his head; he really didn’t feel like reliving it. Thomas seemed to understand, and just pulled Alex into his chest.

“How did you find this place?” Alex asked after a moment, pulling himself out of Thomas’ arms. The taller boy’s face flushed slightly and he looked down.

“I asked Angelica,” Thomas shrugged, and Alex nodded, placing his head back on his soulmate’s chest. She was the only member of the debate team that was fearless enough to side with both Thomas and Alexander. Alex smiled lightly.

“I’m surprised she remembers. We did  _ one  _ project together here.”

“I don’t think she forgets anything,” Thomas shrugged, causing Alex to giggle.  

After a moment of silence, Thomas spoke up again, his voice rumbling against Alex’s head. “Are you okay now? I was really worried…”

“I’m okay,” Alex shrugged, looking up at Thomas with wide eyes. As he did so, his heart swelled. “Thank you.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” Thomas whispered, pressing a kiss to Alex’s head.

Alex closed his eyes as a smile lit up his face. Despite his heartbreak, he was feeling relaxed; calmer than he had done in a very long time. Suddenly, with certainty and warmth inside him, he sat up and fixed Thomas with a steady look.

“Are you okay?” Thomas asked, touching Alex’s arm worriedly. “I’m sorry if I overstepped, I didn’t mean to… I just want to make sure you’re okay. Fuck, I’m so sorry, I know you’re with John… Shit. I can leave –”

“Thomas. I love you.”


	14. Warm

Thomas sat in stunned  silence for a moment before a smile lit up his face. “You…?”

Alex nodded nervously, grabbing his soulmate’s hands in his own. A tiny smile tugged at Thomas’ lips before they settled back into a worried line.

"But John...?" Thomas trailed off awkwardly.

"Not really in the picture anymore," Alex replied, his voice coming out barely a whisper. Thomas’ hands squeezed Alex’s softly, and he pressed his lips gently to the small teen’s forehead.

“I... love you, too.”

Alex closed his eyes, enjoying the warm feeling his lips left on his head. He felt unsettled, a little numb… but Thomas was grounding him. Alex opened his eyes, staring off into the distance as he got lost in his own thoughts.

“Are you with me?” Thomas asked, touching his soulmate’s cheek gently and brushing away his long hair.

“No,” Alex answered honestly with a small laugh. “Sorry, I’m just...”

A cold feeling of fear dropped into Thomas’ stomach, and he bit his lip. “What… what’s wrong?”

Alex laughed humourlessly and placed his face into Thomas’ shoulder. Thomas smiled gently and brought his hand to the back of Alex’s head, stroking his soft hair. When Alex didn’t respond to the question, Thomas leaned back to look in his soulmate’s face.

“Do you want me to go?” he asked, tucking a strand of Alex’s hair behind his ear. 

Alex shook his head. “Sorry. This should be a happier moment.”

“ _ I’m _ happy,” Thomas joked, smiling. Alex half-smiled, but his eyes still seemed distant.

“Laf is waiting,” Alex said suddenly, detaching himself from Thomas.

Thomas looked up at his soulmate quizzically, but he only offered him a small smile, holding out his hand. Thomas took it and was pulled him to his feet; Alex showing surprising strength. Thomas’ eyes became transfixed on the deep gouges in his soulmate’s arms and his brow furrowed, an echo of empathetic pain shooting through him. 

Alex released Thomas’ hand and opened the door to find Laf waiting out in the hall, doodling on his arm. The French teen looked up quickly at the sound of the door, and immediately took note of his friend’s far-away look.

“Are you okay? What happened?” Laf asked, immediately shooting a glare in Thomas’ direction.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Alex said, and immediately felt his heart began to pound as the uncertainty of his situation washed over him. His friends hated Thomas.  _ He  _ hated Thomas. So much had already changed… so much was  _ going  _ to change. He bit his lip as his heart pounded, and he suddenly felt Thomas’ hand slip into his own. His pulse slowed and he smiled lightly.

Laf glanced down at their entwined hands, his eyes widening, mouth popping open comically. “I –  _ dieu. _ That was fast.”

Alex’s face coloured quickly at the comment, glancing down at his feet in embarrassment.

“I should go,” Thomas said softly, not meeting Laf’s eyes. He squeezed Alex’s hand quickly before releasing it. “Um… I’ll talk to you later.”

Thomas pressed his lips to Alex’s temple before turning to go. The smaller boy caught his wrist and whipped out his pen, writing his phone number down on Thomas’ arm.

“I tried this for years on my own skin,” Alex laughed lightly, with a small shake of his head. “It just burned right off…” he smiled thoughtfully, before shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Uh… text me.”

“I will,” Thomas smiled, his cheeks darkening slightly. He left, slipping out the front door without George’s notice.

“Care to explain?” Laf asked as soon as he heard the front door close.

“There isn’t much to explain,” Alex shrugged, looking down. His heart had begun to pound as soon as Thomas’ hand had left his.

“Are you together now?” Laf pressed.

“Yes… no? I don’t know,” Alex replied honestly, and he felt his anxiety bubble up at the uncertainty of the situation. He glanced down at his arm, where Thomas’ beautiful night sky was still visible. He took a deep breath.

“Alex,” Laf said seriously. Alex, wide-eyed and alarmed, looked up at his friend. “It is not healthy to go this fast. You just broke up with John.”

Alex’s gut clenched at the mention of John’s name. “But you said it yourself, Thomas and I are soulmates…”

“But he bullied you relentlessly! Are you just going to forgive that?” Laf demanded hotly.

“No!” Alex snapped, his words becoming sure in his anger. “Fuck, Laf! I don’t know what you want from me! What do you want me to say?”

Laf set his jaw, regretting his harsh tone. Alex took a deep breath. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap, just… can we not talk about this?”

Laf nodded and wrapped Alex in a hug. “ _ Je suis desolé,  _ Alex.  _ Tu ne dois pas dire rien. _ ”

“Is everything okay?” George’s voice suddenly wafted down the hall. As soon as he saw the boys’ embrace he hurried to their sides. “What’s the matter? Where’s Thomas?”

“Thomas left,” Laf said softly. “And… Alex just has a lot on his mind. And I was not helping.”

George nodded at the teen and then placed his hand on his son’s shoulder. “I’m making some breakfast, you want some?”

Alex pulled away from the embrace and nodded. He began to follow his father without a word to Laf before he felt his wrist being grabbed. He turned around and saw Laf’s deeply apologetic face.

“Alex, I’m so sorry,” Laf said, his eyes full of genuine regret. “I did not mean to…”

“Laf. It’s fine,” Alex said, attempting a smile that came out more like a grimace. “I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“Alex, you do not need to apologize…” Laf said sadly.

“Laf. Chill out. It’s fine. Let’s go eat breakfast,” Alex said, feigning indifference. Laf bit his lip worriedly, but followed behind his short friend as he made his way to the kitchen.

They all sat down at the table where George had set out some pancakes and poured everyone a cup of coffee. Alex smiled slightly. His father had tea every day except for Sunday… it was his cheat day. Comforted by the familiar routine, Alex took a sip of the strong liquid.

“So what did Thomas want?” George asked, carefully eyeing his son who was now idly poking at his food with a fork, but not eating. His eyes fell onto the deep gouges Alex’s fingernails had made in his arms and George winced slightly. It was barely 11 o’clock and already his son had had a terrible time of it.

“He, uh…” Alex’s fingers moved to the marks on his arm, feeling the dried blood. “He just got worried about me.”

“Did y’all talk?” George pressed, leaning forward. Alex dropped his fork as his stomach rolled with anxiety.

“A little,” Alex replied dismissively. George backed off, unsure what exactly was distressing his son, but knowing that it was best to leave him alone. He shot a glance at Gil, who looked just as concerned.

Alex glanced up and saw the meaningful look they were sharing. They were looking at each other with mutual understanding; as if he was confused. As if he wasn’t there. His face heated up as his pulse quickened. He felt his throat constricting and he stood up from the table abruptly. Unable to emit noise, Alex left without excusing himself, dashing to his bedroom and sitting down on the bed as the weight of the already eons-long day crashed over him.

_ SOS,  _ he wrote clearly on his arm with the nearest pen, biting his lip until a metallic taste filled his mouth. He did his best to take steadying breaths. Seconds later, his phone began to ring, the noise causing Alex to jump, his heartrate picking up even more. He glanced at the phone and saw an unknown number. The thought of answering it filled Alex with even more panic, and he clutched at his head.

Once the phone stopped ringing, Alex sighed in relief, but it was short lived. Barely five seconds later, it was ringing again. With every intention of yelling at the person on the other line to leave him alone, Alex picked up, his breaths coming in short gasps.

“Alex, don’t hang up.” Thomas’ voice floated through the speaker and Alex felt relief flood him, but still couldn’t bring himself to speak. “Can you breathe?”

Alexander took some shuddering breaths, still unable to speak. “Okay, try to breathe, A… I’m really sorry I can’t draw anything, I don’t have a pen. I’m walking home, but if you want I can come back…?”

Alex managed to draw in some breath and mutter his response, “No.” 

“Okay, just listen to my voice,” Thomas said softly. Gently, Thomas walked Alex through it, coaching his breathing in soft tones. After a few minutes, Alex was breathing normally and his panic had somewhat subsided.

He heard a knock on his door, and Laf’s worried voice floated through. “Alex, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, still holding the phone up to his ear.

“Is that Laf?” Thomas asked.

“Yeah,” Alex said again as Laf entered his room and crossed to the bed, sitting down and pulling his friend into a hug.

Alex gratefully melted into the embrace.

“Are you alright now?” Thomas asked softly, and Alex affirmed that he was.

“Okay, I’m gonna hang up now, but if you need me, call me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

The phone went dead. Alex curled himself tighter into Laf’s arms, tossing his phone off to the side.

“I feel like this is all my fault,” Laf muttered softly, stroking his friend’s hair. 

Alex sat up and fixated on his friend with a serious stare. “It’s not your fault at all, Laf. It’s me. It’s been a shitty day, and a shitty week, and… I’ve been hard on all of you guys. I’m really sorry, but it’s definitely not your fault.”

“Okay,” Laf nodded, brushing back Alex’s hair and kissing his forehead gently. “I just want you to be okay, you know that, right?”

Alex nodded, nuzzling his head into his friend’s shoulder. “I know.”

* * *

 

“Good morning.”

John blinked a few times before the room came into focus. It was tidy and bland, the walls a light grey colour. The sun looked high in the sky. How long had he slept? And where was he?

John swivelled his head and found Aaron smiling down at him, holding a cup of tea.

“'Morning,” John replied gruffly, his voice hoarse from oversleeping.

"How are you feeling?" Aaron asked softly, sitting down on the bed next to his soulmate and placing the tea on the nightstand. He gently brushed John's curls off his face and kissed his forehead. The freckled teen smiled, blushing slightly at the touch.

He struggled to process Aaron's words, however. Why wouldn't he be okay? He was with Aaron, everything was fine...

Alex.

John squeezed his eyes shut as if to block out the thought. "Fuck," he muttered softly, bringing his fists to his temples. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..."

"J, calm down," Aaron muttered worriedly, running his fingers through his soulmate's curls. "It's okay..."

"No, it's not!" John retorted, slamming his fists against his head. "Fuck... I don't even know if he's okay."

"He's fine."

"How do you know?" John demanded, sitting bolt upright in bed.

"I called Thomas. Figured I could relay the message," Aaron shrugged, but looked down at the bed awkwardly.

"Thomas was with him?" John said heatedly, sudden jealousy burning within him. When Aaron only nodded, John took a cooling breath and pressed further. "He's okay, though?"

"More or less... he's coping."

"Coping? What the fuck does that mean?"

"I don't know..." Aaron shrugged again, looking uncomfortable. "Can we not talk about Alex please?"

John shut his eyes again, guilt consuming him. "Fuck... I'm sorry. Yeah, let's talk about something else…” he looked around the room awkwardly. “I... I like your room."

Aaron stuck out his tongue slightly. "I hate it."

"Why?" John inquired, touching his soulmate's arm gently.

"Bad memories," Aaron shrugged, grimacing at the plain walls and furniture. "But you're welcome to stay as long as you want."

John's insides went cold. "Aaron. What time is it?"

"Like eleven thirty, twelve?"

"Fuck!" John cried, fear filling him.

"Boy, that seems to be your favourite word this morning." John didn't seem to register his soulmate's attempt at humour. His eyes were wild with fright as he clambered out of bed to get dressed.

"What's wrong?" Aaron asked, grabbing the boy's wrist to stop his frantic behaviour.

"My dad... he was supposed to get home at ten today. Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

"Shit," Aaron breathed. "My uncle can drive you home...?"

John shook his head. "No, I can walk... my dad would hate it if someone he didn't know dropped me off. And I'll be getting enough shit for spending the night away."

Aaron's brow furrowed in sympathy as he watched his soulmate gather the rest of his things and get ready to leave.

"Call me when you can, okay?" Aaron asked before his soulmate left, quickly pecking him on the lips.

"I will," John half-assed a smile and departed, leaving Aaron alone to worry.

 

***

“I love you,” Thomas said into the phone before hanging up. His whole body was seized with worry. He balled his fists. He should have gone back… Should have said something more to Alex’s dad. Should have apologized to Gilbert… Thomas cracked his knuckles angrily, feeling the need to unleash some anger. 

As he approached his house, Thomas felt a growing sense of dread. His parents’ car was in the driveway. They were back from their trip. Thomas turned around, deciding to circle the neighbourhood a few more times before going back home. Maybe he could draw something… that would make Alex feel better. Hopefully. 

Thomas found the little parkette he often sat in when wanting to delay going home for a little longer. He sat on the bench to draw before remembering he didn’t have a pen on him. Swearing under his breath, Thomas felt anger claw at him again. He was useless. Stupid and useless. Sitting idly by when Alex could be panicking… 

Thomas kicked at the frosty ground, darkly satisfied as pain filled his foot. He had the urge to hurt himself, but tamped it down. He didn’t want Alex to see the blood… He had a sudden memory of Althea finding him with bruises all up his arms. He’d done it to himself, but made sure it was something A couldn’t see… 

Thomas stared moodily at the ground. He should be happy now. Alex loved him. But he couldn’t be. He knew he was still the same dick that made his soulmate’s life miserable; who almost ended his soulmate’s life… Thomas dropped his head into his hands heavily. He didn’t want to go down this road again. These horrible, awful thoughts filling his mind whenever there was a moment of silence… 

An annoying ringtone cut through his thoughts and he snapped out of his reverie, pulling his phone out of his pocket. It was Aaron. With a sigh, he answered it. 

“What’s up?” Thomas asked flatly as soon as the line connected. 

“Um… John is over here,” Aaron murmured. 

“What? Why?” Thomas demanded. “John  _ Laurens? _ ”

“Fuck…” Aaron muttered. “Yeah, um… it’s a really long story. We’re- John and I… are soulmates.”

Thomas’ eyes widened. “What? Since when?  _ What? _ ”

“Um… like I said, a long story. But, for when he wakes up… how’s Alex doing?” 

Too shocked to reply, Thomas pressed for more information. “Is that why John broke up with Alex? Does he know this?”

“Yeah. John told him… I just… he’ll want to know if Alex is okay.”

Anger bubbled up hot and fast. “Well you can tell him he did a real fucking number on him.”Aaron was silent, so Thomas continued. “I’m happy you found each other or whatever, but John was a dickhole. Just to let you know.”

“I… I just want to know how Alex is,” Aaron said nervously. Thomas took a calming breath. 

“He’s coping.”

“Coping?”

“Coping,” Thomas repeated, his jaw setting on edge. 

“O...kay,” Aaron replied quietly. “I’ll tell him.”

“I don’t really give a shit if you do or not. But tell John to stay away from Alex,” Thomas said hotly. 

“I won’t,” Aaron said, his voice filled with more surety than Thomas had ever heard in it. “John did the right thing. Sorry Alex is upset, but that’s the way it is.”

It was Thomas’ turn to be silent, and Aaron hung up after a short, “Bye.”

Thomas sat back in wonderment. Aaron had never even shown a semblance of a spine, and now hear he was, decreeing an actual opinion. If Thomas weren’t so angry, he’d actually find it in himself to be impressed. 

With a deep sigh, Thomas stood, deciding it was time to go back to his house. To calm his anger, Thomas ran over Alex’s words that morning.  _ I love you. _

_ I love you.  _ Thomas smiled to himself. Alex loved him. Maybe things would start to be okay.

  
  



	15. Careful

Alex picked at his cuticles, shivering slightly in the cool breeze. He sat on the surface of the picnic table, his foot anxiously tapping on the bench as he waited for people to arrive. He was alone in the schoolyard; he'd woken up hours too early and had felt the need for fresh air. He’d then elected, of his own free will, to go to school early, which, upon coming to his senses, he now entirely regretted. He was left alone in the bitter air with his thoughts. Joy.

"Alex!"

Alex's head whipped around at the sound of his name, and his eyes landed on one of the few people in the world he unconditionally loved. The sight of Eliza running toward him brought a smile to his face the likes of which had not been seen for the past week.

"Eliza! Hey!" Alex grinned, jumping up from the picnic bench and rushing to give her a hug. "How was the band competition?"

She squeezed him back tightly and stepped away, smiling widely. "We got second place!" She cried happily, fishing the red ribbon out of her bag to show him proudly. He gave her another hug.

"I'm so happy for you," he said genuinely. "You're gonna be a famous piano player someday, I swear."

Eliza grinned back at him. "Thanks... I hope so. So how was your week?"

Alexander sighed. "Too complicated to even  _ begin.  _ But I missed you."

"I missed you too! But why was it complicated?" She took a seat on the picnic bench and gave him a curious look, eyes wide. He huffed and took a seat beside her before telling her everything. In true Eliza style, she gasped in all the right places and, half way through, held his hand and didn't let go, only giving it tight squeezes when he needed reassurance. He managed to make it through everything without crying, which he prided himself on greatly.

"Oh, Alex, are you okay?" She asked softly when he finally finished, pulling him into another tight hug. He gratefully dropped his head onto her shoulder and squeezed her back. "Sorry, that was a dumb question."

"No, it's not. I think I'm starting to be okay," Alex shrugged, pulling back. She smiled at him with genuine empathy in her eyes.

"Well you know that if you ever wanna talk..."

"I know," Alex smiled gratefully and she squeezed his hand.

“And… you deserve to be happy, Alex,” she said with wide, sincere eyes. “Do what makes you feel right, not what anyone else wants for you.”

Alex smiled at her and nodded.

“I mean, I guess you can do what I want for you, because I want you to be happy,” she babbled on, giggling. “So, basically… just listen to me.”

“Okay,” Alex laughed. She touched his face gently before getting to her feet.

"I should go, Maria's meeting me before class," she smiled, a blush creeping up her cheeks, and Alex grinned back, giving her hand another squeeze.

"It’s good to have you back," he said as she left. She grinned back at him and shot him a little wave. Alex waved back, leaning back on the top of the table. He was feeling much more relaxed. He’d almost forgotten how wonderful it was to have Eliza around.

When Laf limped up to the table, - his ankle was still a bit sore - Alex was still smiling contently to himself. The French boy took immediate notice. "You seem happy!" he cried with a grin, sitting next to his friend.

"Eliza's back," he replied happily, and Laf's jaw dropped. He smacked his forehead cartoonishly.

"I cannot believe I forgot!" Laf groaned. At Alex's questioning look, he elaborated. "I feel like this week would have gone smoother had Eliza been home."

It was true. Eliza was the first friend Alex had made after arriving in America. Her dad was a friend of George's and they'd immediately hit it off. Though they now were in completely different friend groups, they still tried to make time for one another at least once a week, and she and T were the only people who could consistently cheer him up.

Alex laughed lightly. "I think you're right."

“Oh,” Laf breathed softly, his eyes suddenly fixing on something across the yard. Alex turned around in confusion, following Laf’s eyes. As soon as he found what they were focused on, he deflated slightly. John was walking down the path to the yard, hands in his pockets and eyes trained on the ground.

Alex turned away, looking back to Laf. “Is he coming this way?”

Laf shook his head. “He is… oh.”

“What?” Alex asked nervously, whipping his head back around. John had  veered right; forgoing his usual seat with them for Thomas's table . “Oh.”

Laf touched his friend on the arm comfortingly, and, with difficulty, Alex smiled back. A swill of emotions had flooded him. Jealousy mixed with worry and frustration and sadness clouded his mind, causing him to grimace. Thankfully, he was distracted from his emotions when Herc arrived, squeezing himself in between the two boys to give them each a one-armed hug. Alex calmed himself as they began to talk easily about what was upcoming this week, and he smiled. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. However, he was hit with sudden vertigo when the topic of debate club that afternoon came up.

The last time he was in debate club, his world had completely changed… it was only a week ago that he’d ‘met’ T. He couldn’t believe how much had transpired in such a short time. But now, in debate club… how would their relationship change things? Was it even right to call it a relationship? He needed to talk to Thomas...

As if summoned by Alex’s thoughts, his soulmate then arrived at the school. He seemed to have a moment of indecision, glancing at his old table, occupied only by John. He appeared to lock eyes with John, an angry look clouding his face. With only a little hesitation, he walked over to Alex, seeming to gain confidence as he approached.

“Hey,” Alex said, hopping to his feet. They had an awkward moment of not knowing whether to hug or not. They opted to just smile at each other.

“Hey,” Herc broke the silence with a loud greeting. Both Alex and Thomas jumped cartoonishly, and Herc began snickering while Laf stifled a giggle.

“We will give you two some privacy,” Laf said, taking his boyfriend’s hand and leading him away. Herc was dragged along unwillingly, making googly eyes at Alex.

“So…” Thomas said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand once Alex’s friends were out of earshot.

“So,” Alex nodded, retaking his seat and gesturing for his soulmate to follow suit. He did so awkwardly, looking over at Alex with an unreadable expression on his face.

“How are you feeling?” Thomas asked seriously, placing a hand on his soulmate’s knee. The small teen smiled slightly, putting his hand over top and entwining their fingers.

“Better…” he smiled. “Thank you.”

“Alex… I totally understand if you want me to leave you alone –”

“– I don’t –”

“But… I want to be your boyfriend.”

Alex inhaled sharply at the assertion, giving his soulmate a wide-eyed, searching look. Worry crept up on him. His gut reaction was to accept, but the thought of his friends’ reaction tugged at him. It was so soon. “I…”

“I want to be better for you… I didn’t like who I was before, and I think you can help me fix it,” Thomas said sincerely, leaning forward. “Not that you have to… fuck, don’t feel like you need to… I just…”

Alex looked across the yard and saw Aaron arrive, giving John a tight hug upon meeting him. They shared a chaste kiss and Alex felt anger roll within him. He turned his gaze back on Thomas, who was still looking at him with concern in his eyes.

“I love you, Alex, and… I know I fucked everything up. But I want to be with you. I want to fix this.”

Alex bit his lip, thinking hard. He remembered what Eliza had said. He should do what made him happy. And who made him happier than T? Tamping down the still unanswered questions about Thomas’ cruel behaviour in the past, Alex felt in his gut that this was something he wanted to do. Something that he knew would make him happy. Despite his confused emotions, a small smile tugged at his lips. “I’d like that,” he muttered, leaning up to press his lips to Thomas’.

The kiss was warm, soft, and perfect. Their mouths fit perfectly together, and proverbial sparks flew at the contact. Alex felt true warmth and comfort build in the pit of his stomach, an unrivalled feeling of content. As they pulled away, they held each other’s gaze, light dancing behind their eyes.

Alex glanced over Thomas’ shoulder again and saw John watching them, his expression unreadable. As soon as they locked eyes, however, John turned back to Aaron, pretending he hadn’t noticed. Alex glanced back at Thomas with a small smile. His soulmate’s eyes were happy, but with something… dark behind them. Worry? Sadness? Trying not to dwell on his misgivings and instead focusing on the happiness he felt, Alex shook his head; his mind clearing.

“I should go,” he said softly. “I want to be early for class.”

“Okay,” Thomas smiled gently, squeezing Alex’s hand quickly before releasing it. Alex got to his feet and turned away. As Thomas watched Alex go, the small teen gave a little wave and a shy smile. He saw Herc join him; no doubt beginning to interrogate him about what he’d just witnessed. Thomas smiled to himself, getting up to go to class as well. 

The whole day, Thomas felt a little off. He knew on some level he was happy about becoming boyfriends with his soulmate… but on a larger level he was terrified. Scared that he’d hurt Alex. Scared that he’d fuck up like he always did. Scared that maybe he wasn’t really the ‘T’ that Alex thought he was. 

James tried to talk to him, sit next to him in class, but Thomas was quiet, only responding in mono-syllabic phrases. James got the hint and disappeared around lunchtime, allowing Thomas to escape to the roof alone. He sat on the gravel, leaning his back against the vent and staring up at the overcast sky as the wind whipped his hair around his face. 

“Hi.”

Thomas jumped and turned around to spot Alex standing by the custodial hatch. Thomas grinned despite himself. Alex approached timidly, taking a seat next to his boyfriend. They sat in silence for a minute before Thomas felt a head drop onto his shoulder. He smiled shyly, his heart thrumming happily. 

“What are you thinking about?” Alex asked after another minute of quiet.

Thomas sighed lightly. “Debate club tonight.”

Alex huffed. “Do you feel like going?”

“Not remotely,” Thomas laughed. “Not a great way to start off our relationship.”

“What are you talking about?” Alex demanded, and Thomas felt fear settle in. He’d fucked up  already… but Alex continued, his tone now recognizably sarcastic. “Me destroying your ass in debate would be a very healthy beginning to our budding romance.”

Thomas laughed easily, leaning his cheek on top of his boyfriend’s head. “I heard Eliza’s back.”

“Yep.” Thomas could hear the grin in his soulmate’s voice. 

“So… how much does she hate me?” Thomas asked, a joking tone covering his true nerves.

“Oh, you’re dead to her,” Alex laughed. “But that’ll probably change.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m like her favourite person ever,” Alex laughed cockily. “So if I say you’re okay…”

“Oh I see,” Thomas laughed. “I just need a reference?”

“And a police check, probably,” Alex joked. Thomas entwined their fingers. 

“Why’d you come up here?” Thomas asked after a comfortable silence.

“I figured that’s where you’d be.”

“You didn’t want to… escape anything?” Thomas hedged.

“No.” Alex removed his head from his boyfriend’s shoulder to look up at him. “Well, Laf’s questions, maybe… That might be something you wanna look out for. He’ll probably corner you.”

“Noted,” Thomas laughed.

“So… why’d you come up here?” Alex asked gently.

“Oh, no real reason,” Thomas lied, shrugging.

“You wanted to be alone?”

Thomas shrugged again. “Not… alone. Just away.”

Alex pouted at the vague wording but didn’t press further, dropping his head onto Thomas’ shoulder again. Thomas wondered whether he should tell Alex the truth, tell him about his doubts… but he didn’t want to worry him. Thomas allowed his thoughts to fester instead. Alex shouldn’t have to worry about Thomas’ problems. He could deal with them. 

The bell rang shortly, and they both got to their feet in disappointment. Neither wanted to leave that roof under any circumstances. 

“I’ll see you after school?” Alex asked hopefully, and Thomas smiled and nodded. Alex got on his tiptoes to press a kiss to his soulmate’s lips. Alex went down the ladder first, Thomas quickly following. At the bottom, Alex grabbed Thomas’ hand, squeezing it quickly before releasing his grip and leaving the closet. Thomas smiled after him and left as well, feeling a little more optimistic. 

The rest of his afternoon passed without incident, and the end of the school day found him waiting at Alex’s picnic table, trying to think of something they could do together. He was soon interrupted in his happy thoughts by a sharp voice.

“Thomas.”

He looked up to see Lafayette staring down at him with his hands on his hips. Thomas’ insides wriggled with nerves. Alex had warned him. 

“Hi,” Thomas said awkwardly.

“I am not going to hurt you,” Laf sighed, seeing the apprehension apparent on Thomas’ face. “But I am going to talk to you.”

“Okay,” Thomas said warily, crossing his arms. 

“I know you are his soulmate. I know that you care about him. But I know that is only part of who you are, Thomas. You have hurt him over and over and over again. He is fragile and you have nearly broken him so many times. If you hurt him ever again, I promise I will make you regret it until the day you die. Are we understood?”

Thomas nodded seriously, his own doubts being reaffirmed by one of Alex’s closest friends. Laf turned to go, but Thomas felt sudden anger urge him forward. “Gil!”

Laf turned, giving Thomas a scathing look.

“I want you to understand something, too,” Thomas stated calmly, though there was a quiet rage behind his voice. Talking to himself as much as Laf, he continued.  “I’m not the person you think I am. Alex will be safe with me forever.”

“I am glad we understand each –”

“I’m not done,” Thomas interrupted, holding up a hand. “Alex isn’t the person you think he is, either. He’s stronger than you know, so stop treating him like a child. I love him and he loves me. You have no right to interfere in our relationship.”

“No right?” Laf echoed in disbelief, but Thomas continued smoothly.

“I promise he’ll be safe and happy. He doesn’t need you to babysit, and we don’t need you to examine every move we make. Now. Are we understood?”

The two boys held each other’s gaze for a moment and then they both nodded in mutual understanding. Thomas got up and they shook hands, not breaking their eye contact.

“Thomas!” Alex grinned, suddenly approaching from the school. “Oh… hi Laf.”

Laf smiled at him. Thomas took Alex’s hand, and the small teen grinned. “Wanna go?” he asked, looking up at his soulmate. 

“Yeah, let’s go,” Thomas nodded. Laf watched them walk away, worry clawing at him. Gently, he shook himself. Whatever would be would be. 


	16. Better

Thomas woke up with an optimistic feeling growing within him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this excited to be awake. He stood up quicker than he normally did, skipping his traditional scroll through social media to get in the shower. He spent a long time under the warm stream of water, letting himself feel happy. Truly happy. 

Knowing that Alex would likely get to school early, he cut his shower short, getting dressed quickly in a soft sweater and jeans and tiptoeing downstairs as quietly as he could manage. He heard some rustling in the kitchen and stopped in his tracks, almost considering returning to his room. 

“Thomas?”

Thomas breathed a sigh of relief. It was Althea. He continued into the kitchen where she was stationed at the island, putting together a lunch for him. He smiled at her and slipped past to get himself some cereal before sitting across from him and tucking in. 

“You’re up early,” she beamed at him, beginning to wrap his sandwich. 

“Yeah,” he grinned. “I’m… uh. I’m excited for today.”

“What’s happening today?” 

“Oh… uh,” Thomas bit his lip and lowered his voice. “Are my parents home?”

She shook her head, her brow furrowing over widened eyes. “They just left for work… Is everything okay?”

“More than okay,” Thomas said, relaxing. “I… well. I met my soulmate last week.”

“Oh,” she breathed, her eyes going wide. “Is that why…?”

“Yeah, it didn’t really go as planned,” Thomas muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “But, now it’s all fixed, and… we’re dating,” he grinned. 

“So… who are they?” Althea asked, leaning across the kitchen island curiously.

“His name is Alex,” Thomas smiled, suppressing the guilt that threatened him. No. all had been forgiven…

Althea moved around the island to wrap Thomas in a tight hug. He smiled against her shoulder, hugging back. 

“I’m so happy for you, Thomas,” she muttered. When she pulled back, tears were glistening in her eyes. 

“Thanks,” Thomas smiled gently before darker thoughts re-emerged. “I’m… not going to tell my parents.”

Althea nodded. “I think that’s probably wise… but how are you going to hide something this big?”

“I’ll find a way,” Thomas shrugged, turning back to his cereal which was now becoming mushy in its pool of milk. He sighed and moved to the sink, dumping the rest of his bowl out and putting it in the dishwasher. Althea passed him his wrapped lunch. 

“I hope I get to meet Alex soon,” she smiled. 

Thomas grinned back taking his lunch and putting it in his backpack before departing. He walked quickly to school, his music blasting in his ears. When he arrived, the schoolyard was almost empty, except for a short, slim figure sitting curled on a picnic bench. 

Thomas grinned and picked up his pace, quickly approaching the bench. He thought about surprising Alex; sliding up next to him and kissing him… but Thomas decided against it. Maybe Alex wasn’t ready for that level of affection… who would be after all Thomas had put him through…

“Hey,” Thomas said softly, and Alex grinned up at him, bounding to his feet and pressing a kiss on his boyfriend’s mouth. Thomas smiled against the soft lips, holding Alex’s narrow and angular hips gently. 

“Hi,” Alex said, smiling up at him. A shadow seemed to pass across the small teen’s face, but he quickly covered it up, taking Thomas’ hand and pulling him to the bench to sit. Once they were seated, he curled against the taller boy’s side eagerly. Thomas tamped down his worry and grinned, wrapping an arm around his back. 

“How are you?” Thomas asked, pressing a kiss to the top of his soulmate’s head. 

“Good,” Alex replied, a hint of surprise in his voice. “Like, actually good.”

“I know what you mean,” Thomas grinned. “Me too.”

Alex snuggled closer into his soulmate’s side, sighing contentedly. Thomas smiled involuntarily, his heart feeling warm. “We should do something tonight.”

Alex sat up nervously. “What, like a date?”

Thomas shrugged. “Or just something casual, like… we could go on a walk. We never did have our date in Nicholas Park.”

Alex smiled thoughtfully before his face fell. Thomas’ heart plummeted. He’d gone too far; pushed Alex… 

“I’d… uh, I’d really like to,” Alex stammered, his face flushing. “But I have to… do something tonight.”

Thomas felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “Sure. Of course. Sorry, I shouldn’t’ve assumed you didn’t have plans…”

Alex touched Thomas’ arm to calm him. “Why are you apologizing?”

Thomas bit his lip, anger rising in him. Of course he’d done something else wrong. He balled his fists tightly. “I just…” he huffed frustratedly. “I don’t want to push you, I’m sorry.”

Alex’s eyes widened. “You’re not… no. I… have an appointment with my therapist tonight.”

Thomas glanced up, surprised. “Oh,” he breathed. 

Alex, misunderstanding his boyfriend’s tone, flushed brightly. “It’s not a big deal, I can… skip it…”

“No, no,” Thomas said hurriedly, taking his soulmate’s hands. “No, fuck… I’m sorry. Don’t skip it, please. It’s good.”

Alex smiled, still looking a little uncomfortable. “Can we… hang out tomorrow? Or something?”

“Of course,” Thomas nodded, kissing Alex’s forehead.

“Something casual?”

“Sure, whatever you want,” he grinned as Alex dropped his head back onto his soulmate’s shoulder. Thomas took a deep breath. His anger at himself hadn’t fully disappeared. He’d automatically assumed the worst, which put Alex on edge, and… a sick part of him felt jealous. That Alex had a parent who got him help. That he had someone to talk to…

“Mooorning,” Herc’s voice suddenly broke the silence as he sidled up next to the picnic bench. Thomas began to sweat nervously, but Alex remained chill, still leaning on the taller boy. 

“Hey, Herc,” Alex grinned. “Where’s Laf?”

“He slept in,” Herc chuckled, sitting down on the bench. “Hey Thomas,” he smiled, nodding at the teen in question. 

“Hey,” Thomas replied awkwardly, his mind immediately going blank. What could he talk about? He didn’t know Alex’s friends...

“Well this is really fucking awkward,” Herc laughed easily after a moment of silence. Thomas laughed despite himself as Alex began to giggle as well. 

“So are we going to be one table now?” Herc asked, looking across the yard at the empty bench. “‘Cause I guess Madison can come over here if you want. I mean, assuming he’s not as much of a shithead as we think…”

“I mean, we don’t have to be friends,” Thomas said, and tension arose. His words had come out colder than he’d intended. “I mean, like… if y’all hate me too much it would be understandable.”

Herc’s easy smile returned, though his eyes seemed less warm than they were before. “Hey, as long as Alex is okay…”

“And as long as Alex can speak for himself,” the small teen piped up indignantly, causing Herc to chuckle fondly. Thomas’ eyebrows rose pensively. There it was. That parental look Hercules and Lafayette got in their eyes when they gazed upon Alex. A need to protect him. Thomas tightened his hold around his soulmate’s waist.

“Good morning,” a tired, heavily French-accented voice chimed. They all looked up to see Laf plop himself unceremoniously down on the bench and kiss Herc quickly. They began an easy conversation concerning their upcoming play rehearsal, touching briefly on the drama within the cast. 

As his friends talked, Alex turned his head to look up at his soulmate, nudging him gently. “You okay?” he mouthed. 

How was he supposed to answer that? Thomas nodded vaguely and forced a smile. He didn’t belong here, with Alex’s friends. He didn’t belong anywhere. He glanced across the yard and saw James take a seat at their normal table, scrolling through his phone. For the second time that morning, Thomas had the horrible sensation of being socked in the stomach. 

Trying to rearrange his face into a look of nonchalance, he kissed Alex’s head and muttered, “I’ll be right back.”

Standing quickly, he crossed the yard to take a seat across from Jemmy. His friend glanced up from his phone, a slight, if frustrated, smile dancing around his lips. 

“Hey,” James threw out offhandedly, turning back to his phone. 

“Do you want to come sit with us? Over there?” Thomas suggested, nodding at Alex’s group of friends and ignoring his soulmate’s gaze. 

“Uh… no thanks,” James replied with a sarcastic laugh. “You have fun though.”

Thomas felt anger rise quickly, pooling like lava in his chest. “Dude, I’m sorry I haven’t been hanging out with you -”

“No, forget it. It’s fine,” James said, rolling his eyes. “You’ve got your new friends -”

“It’s not like that-”

“No, congrats, you found people to be gay with.”

Thomas was shocked into silence, and a grim smile overtook his best friend’s face.

“Oh sorry, was that too far?” James leered. 

Thomas slammed his fist on the table despite himself, glaring at his friend. James at least had the decency to look a little ashamed of himself. “C’mon, Thomas. You’ve gotta admit… you’re pretty hypocritical.”

Thomas ground his teeth, anger coursing through his veins. He stared at his friend’s face, resisting the urge to punch it. “You’re not telling me something I don’t know,” he muttered under his breath. 

“What?” James asked, his brow furrowed.

“Never mind,” Thomas growled, getting to his feet. 

“Thomas!” Aaron approached the table hesitantly, surprise written all over his face. “I’m surprised you’re here.”

“I was just leaving,” Thomas replied shortly. 

“No, I wanted to talk to you,” Aaron said, his eyes wide and sincere. “James, can we have a minute?”

James let out a short, humourless laugh. “Sure. Why the fuck not.” 

He got to his feet and left the table, Aaron staring after him in bewilderment. “Sorry, did I interrupt something?”

Thomas resisted the urge to punch Aaron as well. So naive. So oblivious. “Yeah.”

“Oh…” Aaron muttered awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry…”

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Thomas asked boredly, ignoring the anger that was still surging through him. 

“Oh, um…” Aaron took a second to recollect himself. “I just wanted to ask you if everything was… cool between us?”

Thomas laughed humourlessly. “Why wouldn’t it be?” he deadpanned. 

“Well I mean, from everything with John and Alex…” Aaron stumbled over his words.

“I was joking,” Thomas said coldly, before pity set in at the embarrassed look on his friend’s face. “But I don’t have anything against you.”

Aaron looked up, his eyes wide. “Really? You don’t?”

Thomas shook his head. “Your boyfriend I could do without, but we’re ‘cool’ I guess.”

“John feels bad…”

“He should,” Thomas said coldly, crossing his arms. 

“Should he?” Aaron challenged. 

Thomas’ eyebrows shot up in surprise. He still hadn’t gotten used to this more fortuitous side of Aaron. 

“Because now we’re all happy, right? This was for the best,” Aaron continued with conviction though his voice was soft. 

“Sure,” Thomas said angrily. “If ‘for the best’ means Alex had to suffer, why not?”

Aaron looked away uncomfortably. “Well… it’s better now. We shouldn’t be mad… I mean, they were best friends...”

“If Alex forgives John, then I will too. But until then…”

“That makes sense,” Aaron nodded eagerly, tension seeming to lift off him as the confrontation was settled. His expression settled back into worry as he look over Thomas’ shoulder in the direction James had gone. “Um… by the way… is James… on board?”

“I don’t know. He’s pissed at me. You’re probably fine.”

“Why would I be…?” Aaron’s eyes were wide. 

Thomas struggled to keep his anger at bay. “Because at least he thought I was straight.”

Aaron’s cheeks darkened as his friend’s words settled in. “Oh,” he said softly, his eyes sparkling with embarrassment. 

Unable to take the guilt that was clawing at him, Thomas turned to go. He considered returning to his soulmate, but he couldn’t face Alex. Not right now. His good mood was gone. Completely obliterated. He stormed into the still empty school and escaped to the roof, sitting down as his rage spilled over. He rolled up his sleeves,  grabbing his arms tightly, twisting the skin, pressing in on it, bruising it. He wished he could make himself bleed, but he didn’t want Alex to see. Couldn’t let him know. 

He faintly heard the bell ring an indeterminate amount of time later, but ignored its summons, electing to remain on the roof, where the cold wind could burn his face, sting his eyes. Where his phone couldn’t alert him to the world.

Once his anger had been slightly quelled, Thomas released his iron grip on his arms, staring at the angry purple splotches now rising under his dark skin. And the thin black writing that inserted itself among the bruises.

_ Where did you go? Are you okay?  _

Thomas reached into his backpack and produced a pen. Trying to channel a happiness he did not feel, he scrawled quickly.  _ I’m fine, don’t worry. See you in a bit <3 _

The false note made him feel vaguely sick to his stomach, but he ignored the feeling, staring out over the edge of the roof instead, trying to ignore the horrible emotions swirling through him. 

 

* * *

 

 

Alex fiddled with the lock on the car door absentmindedly. Lock, unlock, lock, unlock. Click, click, click, click. The rhythm he created was soothing, hypnotic. When his father turned on the flicker, he matched its tempo, the beat lending itself to a myriad of songs that began to play in Alex’s head. 

“How was Thomas today?” George asked. Alex jumped at the sudden noise, releasing the lock switch and turning to face his father. 

“Good, I think…” Alex said uncertainly once he’d collected himself again. “Well… we saw each other this morning and then he had something to do at lunch.”

George nodded pensively. “Have you talked to John?”

Alex’s stomach twisted uncomfortably. Why did they always have to talk about uncomfortable things? “No, not yet.”

George nodded again and asked his son when Herc and Laf’s play was. Sighing with relief, Alex jumped at the new topic, divulging top-secret information his friends had blabbed to him. They soon pulled into the parking lot by Alex’s therapist’s office and went inside. They waited in the waiting room for a bit. To their credit, it was nicely furnished in relaxing colours. Stim toys were available at the front desk, and a variety of books and magazines were available to be read. 

Alex was soon called into the office, and the warm smile from his therapist brought a grin to his own face. 

“Hi Alex,” she said warmly as he took a seat. 

“Hi Amalhe,” he replied with a soft smile. She was a very gentle woman, and she always put him at ease.

“How are we this week?”

“Better,” Alex smiled. “I think. Me and my soulmate worked things out.”

“Oh?” she said, her thin eyebrows raising high on her forehead. “How did you do that?”

Alex sighed, realizing the last time he’d told her anything was before everything; before John got punched. Alex let the whole story come out in a rush, from his short relationship with John to the rooftop rendezvous with Thomas… everything. She listened intently, her dark, intense eyes never leaving Alex’s face. 

Alex laughed once he was done, his face flushing. “Sorry, that was… long.”

“Sounds like you’ve been through a lot this week,” she said seriously. “Can you tell me more about Thomas?”

Alex was taken aback. More about Thomas… “Well, he’s… when we’re together, now, he’s really gentle.”

“Gentle? This is the same boy that harassed you?”

“Uh, well, yes…” Alex said, his heartrate picking up. “He’s… nicer, now.”

“What changed?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. 

“Well, I mean, he apologized, a lot… and he has his own issues…” Alex floundered for answers nervously. 

“Has he told you anything about that?” she asked. Her words were gentle, but their implication drove into Alex like a dagger. 

“... No, not really,” Alex muttered, glancing off to the side awkwardly.

“So what do you know about him?”

“Well… he doesn’t get along very well with his parents,” Alex supplied before quickly realizing he couldn’t go into any more detail than that. 

“How about his friends?” she asked. 

“I think he… well I mean. He doesn’t seem to get along with them very well. I think it was kind of a toxic friendship, what they had going on.”

“I see. Is he becoming friends with yours?”

“I think he will… he seemed a bit distant today, though, I don’t know…” Alex said uncertainly, his palms beginning to sweat. 

She noticed his discomfort and backed off, beginning to ask him questions about his medication and attacks. He tried to relax, but her questions were nagging at the back of his brain. Did he really even know Thomas? Thomas knew everything about him, but was so guarded… 

“Amalhe?” Alex said softly, cutting across her suggestions with the medication. She immediately went quiet, nodding at Alex to speak. “How… I want to know more about Thomas. What... should I do?”

She sat back in thought for a moment. “If I were you, I would ask him about his parents. I think that’s a good place to start. Ask him about what he’s kept from you.”

“Because I’ve already told him everything…” Alex muttered. 

She nodded. “Remind him that a relationship is a two-way street. He can depend on you, too, right?”

Alex nodded vaguely. They continued talking for some time until their hour was up. They said their goodbyes, Amalhe patting him on the shoulder and shooting him a warm smile. 

Alex slipped out of the office to find his father still sitting in the waiting room, flicking through a mental health magazine. Once Alex showed up, he grinned at his son and stood, walking him out to the car. Alex strapped his seatbelt across his body with a distant look on his face, his hands shaking slightly.

“How was it today?” George asked as they pulled out of the parking lot. 

Alex barely heard him, picking at his cuticles.

“Alex?” 

This time, his father’s words registered, and Alex’s head shot up, his cheeks flushing. “Good. She, uh… we talked about Thomas.”

“Good things?” George enquired.

“Yeah…” Alex said noncommittally, staring out the window at the passing signs and trying to push down the anxiety that was rising within him. He could talk to Thomas. He would know him. He had to. 


	17. Loved

Alex went to school later than usual the next day, having slept in. When he woke up, his father had left for work hours before, and he had less than twenty minutes to get to school before the bell. He found himself barely skidding into class on time, his pulse racing. With an empty stomach, of course, though caffeine flowed through his veins. 

It was a torturous day, only relieved by his lunch hour, which he spent with Laf and Herc. Thomas was AWOL, but Alex tried not to worry. He didn’t want to smother his boyfriend. Though he did want to take his therapist’s advice. 

The afternoon crawled by, and he was relieved when the final bell sounded. He almost took the familiar route to John’s locker, but stopped in his tracks and went to his own, ignoring the unsettling emotions that arose upon remembering his status with someone who used to be his best friend. 

When he turned the corner to the hall containing his locker, his sadness was forgotten; a wide grin stretching across his face at the sight of his soulmate. Alex approached, a lightness taking over him. He leapt up on Thomas, throwing his arms around the taller boy’s neck and letting him catch his waist. They caught one another’s lips in a soft kiss, both smiling. 

When they pulled back, they were both flushed slightly, trying unsuccessfully to ignore the girl walking past, unabashedly staring at them in disbelief. Alex opened his locker and began to put his books away, grabbing Thomas’ letterman jacket and putting it on. The coat absolutely swallowed him. 

“I guess it’s weird that we’re talking to each other, huh?” Thomas asked his soulmate quietly, looking around the hall and seeing that they had the attention of several people. 

“I guess,” Alex laughed awkwardly, feeling slightly uncomfortable under the scrutiny of their schoolmates. Thomas immediately took notice and laced his fingers with his soulmate’s.

“So… are we on for tonight?” Thomas asked. “Just you and me?”

Alex’s eyes widened. “Wait, like a date? I thought it was going to be casual… Our first date has to be special, I should be wearing something nice…”

“Not a date,” Thomas assured him, beginning to pull Alex down the hall by his hand. The small teen trotted along, almost beginning to enjoy the stares they were collecting. He felt a little badass.

“What do you want to do, then?” Alex asked as they left the school.

“I don’t know… it’s up to you,” Thomas smiled. Alex thought of Amalhe’s words. He should try and get Thomas to open up. 

“Can I see your house?” Alex asked shyly and Thomas’ eyes widened.

“My house?”

“Yeah, I mean… you’ve seen mine. We don’t have to, I just… I’m curious,” Alex quickly tried to backtrack, slightly scared by the stony look on his boyfriend’s face.

“Uh… it’s really not that interesting. Why don’t we go to the park or something?”

Alex slowed his pace slightly and Thomas whipped around to look at him in concern. The park sounded nice, but Alex needed to know more about Thomas’ life. He glanced up at his soulmate and quickly thought of a plausible lie. “I don’t really feel like going to another fucking park.”

Thomas grimaced sympathetically, and Alex tried to ignore the guilt that began to course through him. Thomas bit his lip. “Is there anywhere else you’d want to go?”

“I told you where I want to go,” Alex said, gaining confidence. He took his hand out of his soulmate’s and crossed his arms.

Thomas gnawed his lip, glancing away for a moment in obvious discomfort. “Fine,” he relented, taking Alex’s hand again. Quietly, he led Alex away from the school. After walking for about five minutes, they entered a leafy, breezy neighbourhood.

“Shit,” Alex breathed, staring around at the increasing size and affluence of each house. “You live  _ here _ ?”

“Up a bit further,” Thomas said awkwardly, looking around at the beautifully coloured trees, the leaves that were still left glowing a bright orange against the grey sky. A breeze blew through the street and Alex shivered. Thomas took the opportunity to release his hand and instead wrap an arm around his soulmate, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. Alex turned pink at the contact and nudged Thomas’ chest with his head in embarrassment.

“We’re here,” Thomas said after a moment, stopping on the sidewalk. Alex looked up at the house and his jaw dropped. It was huge.

His face colouring slightly, Thomas led his soulmate up the interlocking stone path through their garden of beautifully arranged and organized flowers. When they got to the door, Thomas opened it gently, immediately taking off his shoes. Alex followed suit, watching his soulmate with interest.

“Thomas!” a kind voice cried, and relief spread across his face.

“Hi, Althea,” he grinned as a middle-aged woman appeared in the doorway, smiling.

“Who’s this?” she asked kindly, smiling at Alex.

“Um… this is my soulmate,” Thomas replied with a light smile and Althea grinned, hugging the small teen. Alex, though surprised, hugged her back, enjoying the warmth. 

“My parents aren’t home?” Thomas asked in a hushed voice.

She shook her head with a knowing and sympathetic smile. “Not till dinner tonight, love. Do you boys want anything?”

“We’ll be fine, thanks,” Thomas grinned, and she smiled back, leaving to give the boys some privacy. Thomas gestured for Alex to follow him as he padded up the stairs in his socks. Alex found it strange to see the tall, confident boy treading carefully through the empty house.

Before following his soulmate up the stairs, the short teen gazed around at the huge home. While it was beautifully furnished in the most modern and aesthetically pleasing decor, it felt cold. His brow furrowed. The place had no life to it. Frowning only slightly, Alex bounded up after Thomas, quickly catching up to him.

Thomas led him to his bedroom, and Alex let out a sigh of relief as soon as they were inside. He’d found the warmth. The room was painted a glaring purple colour and was filled with things; knick-knacks, papers, markers, clothes, shoes… it was all neatly organized, however, and Alex instantly felt at ease despite the loudness of its decoration.

Thomas stood by nervously as Alex looked around at the beads hanging from the wall above his pillow-covered bed. Books were placed in piles all around the room even though the bookshelf looked like it was about to collapse under the sheer weight of its contents.

Alex turned back to his soulmate who was worriedly wringing his hands.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked, crossing back to Thomas to look up at him with concern.

Thomas gave an awkward laugh. “You’re the first person I’ve ever shown my room to. I mean, other than Althea and my parents, but…”

“Why?” Alex asked, cocking his head to the side and touching Thomas’ arm.

“Are you looking at it?” Thomas laughed. “It looks like it belongs to a middle school girl.”

“Do  _ you  _ like it?” Alex asked, taking a seat on the bed.

“Yeah,” Thomas shrugged.

“Then who gives a shit?” Alex countered with a smile. “I love it. I mean, it’s awful… but I love it.”

Thomas laughed, taking a seat beside Alex. “Thanks,” he said, taking Alex’s hand again. The small teen leaned softly into his soulmate, letting his head rest on the taller boy’s shoulder.

“So… Althea is…?”

“Our maid… she was my nanny when I was a kid, and then... she stayed,” Thomas answered quietly, using his thumb to brush soft circles on the back of his soulmate’s hand.

“Why’d she stay?” Alex asked, sitting up to look at Thomas curiously.

Thomas blushed and looked down. “My parents were going to let her go, but… I kind of freaked out. A lot. And so they let her stay.”

“Oh,” Alex said softly, finding it sweet that his boyfriend felt so deeply about someone, but also feeling completely removed; it seemed like such a foreign situation to him. He took a deep breath. This was his chance.  “You never really talk about your parents.”

“No, I don’t…”

“Last week you said they were freaking out because you weren’t getting out of bed…” Alex hedged, looking intently at his soulmate.

Thomas bit his lip and looked down. “Yeah well… most of the time when I say ‘parents’ I mean Althea. They’re not really around that much… they work a lot.”

“They’re stock brokers, right?” Alex asked, a vague memory from a ‘get-to-know-you’ activity in freshman year being dragged up.

“Yeah…” Thomas shrugged before attempting to divert the conversation. “Your dad’s a lawyer, though, right? He must work a lot too.”

“A public defender, yeah,” Alex smiled. “He usually tries to make time for me, though.”

Alex immediately regretted his words, noting Thomas’ immediate discomfort at the comparison of their parents.

“I mean… he’s still gone quite a bit, but…”

Thomas smiled, kissing Alex’s head. “Chill. It’s fine. I’m glad your dad’s around.”

The boys relaxed into an easy conversation about school, and Alex regretted not pressing further on Thomas’ homelife. He still didn’t know much about this boy, though they were each feeling their inhibitions wearing away bit by bit. Alex tried not to think about the fact that this was the same boy that had bullied him relentlessly for years. He tried to ignore the fact that just over a week ago, this boy was making his life a living hell. Alex’s heartrate picked up a little, and Thomas held him closer. Thankfully, rather than prying into what was wrong, Thomas changed the subject.

“We should go on a date soon,” Thomas said.

“Yeah?” Alex returned, his pulse calming in Thomas’ warm embrace.

“Yeah… how about tomorrow night we go out for dinner?”

Alex laughed softly. “On a Thursday?”

“Why not?”

“Okay, sure, that sounds good,” Alex smiled, pulling himself out of his soulmate’s arms. “Where?”

“I wanna surprise you,” Thomas grinned, playing with a piece of Alex’s hair idly. The smaller boy smiled, a slight blush creeping into his cheeks. Thomas leaned forward to place a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.

“You missed,” Alex grinned.

“What?” Thomas asked, but was cut off by his soulmate’s lips on his. They held the kiss for a moment, its warmth and love extremely comforting to the both of them. 

Once they broke apart, Thomas laughed. “If that wasn’t the cheesiest line -”

“Hey, it was cute,” Alex returned. “And if you’re not gonna kiss me, then someone has to initiate it…”

Thomas smiled, but his eyes turned sad. “I guess I’m... a little hesitant to kiss you. I wanna make sure you’re down with it.”

Alex smiled sadly. “That’s really sweet, T… thanks.”

Thomas smiled and kissed his boyfriend on the nose, making him blush. Before they could bring their lips together again, however, a noise from downstairs made Thomas’ blood run cold. He was off the bed in an instant, running to the window. 

“Fuck,” he breathed, seeing his parents’ car in the driveway.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked, eyes widening.

“My parents are home,” Thomas breathed,turning round to face his boyfriend again.

“Oh,” Alex said, also getting to his feet. “Um… I’ll go, then.”

“I’m so sorry, Alex… I thought they’d be home later,” Thomas said worriedly, his eyebrows knitting together.

“It’s fine… um… should I go downstairs?” Alex felt his anxiety pick up again at the thought of meeting Thomas’ parents.

“You kind of have to,” Thomas said, and Alex flinched at the callous tone. The taller boy took note but was too on edge to apologise.

“Okay,” Alex said softly, and Thomas led him down the stairs. If he was careful before, now he was practically tiptoeing, seeming to shrink in size the closer to his parents he got.

“They’re in the living room,” Thomas muttered, peeking around the doorway before looking back at his soulmate. “You can slip out.”

A small smile tugged at Alex’s lips and he turned to leave, yanking on his shoes and going to the door. He felt a hand catch his wrist and he looked back to find Thomas staring at him intently.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” he said, kissing his soulmate on the cheek.

“What for?” he replied lightly, shooting a breezy smile behind him as he shut the door.

Thomas bit his lip as soon as the door was closed. He ran a nervous hand through his wild hair and turned to go back into the house, entering the living room.

“Thomas!” his father said from his spot on the couch, scrolling through his phone. “How was your day?”

“It was fine,” he replied quietly.

“Who just left?” his mother asked, looking up from her laptop.

“Oh, uh… no one,” Thomas shrugged.

“Didn’t sound like no one,” his father said.

“Just someone needed to borrow my notes,” Thomas fabricated airily.

“For what?” his father asked sharply.

“History,” Thomas lied awkwardly, chewing his lip.

“Why are they borrowing  _ your  _ notes? Where are theirs?” his father demanded, and Thomas felt his heart pound.

“I don’t know…” he replied, subconsciously backing away from his parents. “They just…”

“It’s not your responsibility to give these kids your notes, Thomas,” his mother scolded. “This is how people just breeze through school. It’s their fault for not showing up to class.”

“I know, you’re right,” Thomas mumbled, looking down at his retreating feet.

“Speak up, son,” his father reprimanded. “And next time someone asks for your help, don’t give it to them. Jeffersons don’t give handouts, alright?”

“Okay,” Thomas nodded, eyes still pointing downward. “Um… I have some homework to do.”

“Get it done, Thomas,” his mother said sternly but not totally unkindly. Thomas nodded and retreated upstairs quickly, shutting his door behind him and collapsing on his soft bed. He hugged one of his many pillows to his body, trying to fight the anger threatening to rise. He dug his fingers into the plush fabric of the pillow, releasing his stress. Some dark part of him wanted Alex to need help so that he could doodle and release his tension. Taking care of Alex was one of the only sure-fire ways to calm him down. With a sigh, he went to his desk to pull out his homework. He pushed away a small pile of books to begin writing his assignment, wishing more than anything that he was with Alex again.

***

“I’ll be home late tonight,” Thomas said into the phone, biting his lip. Alex rubbed his arm comfortingly. “No, yeah… I’m just going out for dinner with some friends.”

Alex watched his soulmate’s face grow redder and look down. In a quiet voice, he muttered, “Yes, I’ll have time to do my homework. I’ll be home before nine.”

Alex bit his lip as well, taking Thomas’ hand.

“Yeah, I’ll study, too. Yes. Yeah. Yes.” With every affirmation to his father, Thomas’ voice grew quieter and more uncomfortable. Alex frowned and his brows knit together. Guilt was swirling in him. Why hadn’t he talked to Thomas about his parents sooner? He maybe could have helped… this. 

“Okay. I’ll see you tonight, then,” Thomas said, his voice growing stronger as the conversation drew to an end. “I will. Okay. Bye.” With a sigh of relief, Thomas hung up the phone.

“Okay, we’re all good for our date tonight,” Thomas affirmed with a forced smile.

Alex frowned. “Are you sure, Thomas? Your dad sounded kind of…”

“It’s fine.” Thomas said sharply, bristling and pulling away from his soulmate’s touch. He sighed, his face falling from its angry expression to one of guilt. “Sorry. Fuck. I’m just gonna go on a walk, okay?”

Alex nodded, and Thomas stood up, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek before leaving with his hands in his pockets. Alex was suddenly left alone on the picnic bench, feeling vulnerable. His lunch was uneaten and he felt his loneliness sharply. Laf and Herc had an emergency drama club meeting for their lunch hour, and he had been avoiding John like the plague since their breakup.

Feeling dejected, Alex pulled out his phone, trying to make it look to the rest of the world as though he had friends to text and social media to update. In reality, he was scrolling through Tumblr, looking at posts he’d seen a hundred times with a blank expression on his face. He was jolted out of his almost hypnotised state by a loud voice saying his name.

He jumped nervously and looked up into the face of the last person he wanted to talk to. John. A strange rush of emotions flooded him; heartbreak and anger being the most poignant ones.

“Uh, hi,” Alex said awkwardly, not meeting John’s eyes.

“Hi. Uh… I…” John rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, biting his lip. “I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for what happened, and I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” Alex said coolly.

“Are you sure? Because I know you’re…”

“I said I’m fine,” he sniped, his anger growing.

“But I know how you get, I just -”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Alex groaned in frustration, getting up from the table in his fury. John looked taken aback. “I’m fine! I wish everyone would just… stop. Fuck. I’m fine. You have Aaron. I have Thomas. We’re good.”

John’s face contorted. “It doesn’t seem like you’re fine, Alex! I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay –”

“Well don’t!” he retorted hotly, finally glaring straight into John’s eyes. “That’s not your problem.”

“Look, Alex. Don’t get all pissy at me. I was just trying to be with my soulmate and now you’re with yours. Can we just –”

“Be friends again?” Alex supplied bitterly. “Come on, John. You were the one that ended this. You should know better.”

John grimaced. “I wish everyone would understand that none of this is my fucking fault! I was devastated after the breakup, and Aaron was the only one who even gave a shit about what I had to say. I got home and my dad screamed at me for an hour. I come to school and all of you – all of my friends – fucking  _ ignore  _ me. I didn’t do anything wrong! I was trying to give you what you wanted.”

“Bullshit,” Alex retorted angrily, though his voice was less certain.

John took a steadying breath and fixed Alex with a dark stare. “Look, I did this for you. We both have what we want, now.”

“I wanted  _ you.  _ I was willing to pick  _ you _ .” Angry tears burned Alexander’s eyes as he glared at his ex-boyfriend.

John’s expression darkened, gaze dropping. “I know, but I -”

“I  _ love  _ you, John.” The freckled boy looked up sharply and they stared at each other intently, anger thawing. Before John could reply, however, and angry voice broke through the tension.

“Hey, what the fuck is going on here?” They both turned to see Thomas returning with a livid look on his face.

Alex felt guilt drop into his stomach, his throat constricting uncomfortably.

“I was just going,” John said, his voice rough.

“No, you’re not,” Thomas said coldly. “Look, I don’t give a shit if you’re sorry, stay the fuck away from Alex.”

Alex felt his face heat up, eyes flicking back and forth between the two boys.

“I was just –” John protested, but Thomas took a step forward, towering over the freckled teen.

“If you don’t leave him alone, you’ll have a black eye to match that jaw of yours. Are we understood?”

John, a mixture of terrified and livid, took a step back with his hands up. Before he left he glared at Alex.

“Real nice boyfriend you’ve got here,” he spat with as much venom as he could muster, then turned on his heel and strode away briskly. Alex shrank back at his words, sitting back down on the bench. 

Thomas turned to his soulmate who had wrapped his arms tightly around himself, making himself look even smaller than usual. Alex was feeling an awful mixture of relief at John’s departure and guilt at the way he’d been treated. The last thing he wanted was more violence. He was grateful, however, for Thomas coming to his defence.

“Thank you, Thomas,” he muttered, glancing up at his boyfriend. To his surprise, his soulmate’s face was still contorted in fury. “Thomas – wh-?”

“You love him?” Thomas asked, his voice tremoring slightly. 

“Thomas, you knew –” Alex protested weakly, a weight nonetheless dropping into his stomach.

“Fuck this,” Thomas spat, leaving Alex once again alone, with nothing but his thoughts.


	18. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: depressive episode, implied dissociation, implied self-harm

“I can’t believe the rest of the costume crew would just back out at the last second! It’s bullshit!” Herc complained.

“I can help you if you want,” Laf grinned, taking his boyfriend’s hand as they left the drama room, the beanie-clad boy still grumbling.

“No, I don’t need help, just… that’s a lot of costumes to sew,” Herc shrugged.

“You think you can get it done, though?” Laf asked, looking up at his soulmate with wide eyes.

Herc smiled and kissed his boyfriend on the head. “I’ll be fine. Besides, it gives me a chance to give you a fitting.”

Laf’s cheeks coloured and he snuggled closer to his boyfriend as they stepped out into the cool air. “That would not be so bad,” he muttered softly, and felt his boyfriend’s laugh vibrate through his chest.

“Oh shit,” Herc suddenly breathed, and Laf followed his soulmate’s line of sight to their usual picnic bench where Alex’s stuff had been left.

Laf felt the colour drain from his face. “Where is he?” he asked frantically, rushing to the table and staring at his friend’s abandoned belongings.

“Maybe he just went for a walk?” Herc suggested, trying to calm his soulmate.

“And left his laptop?” Laf countered, pointing into Alex’s backpack.

“Does he have his phone?” Herc asked, his face hardening.

“I am not sure…” Laf said, scouring the backpack for signs of his friend’s phone.

Herc had already pulled out his own phone and was dialling Alex’s number. Laf nervously ceased his search to stand next to his boyfriend, craning his neck to put his ear as close to the phone as he could manage. They both listened to it ring, their nervousness growing with every tone.

After four rings, they finally heard the sound of the connection, and the sound of laboured breathing filled their ears. Tears sprung into Laf’s eyes at the sound, and, feeling uneasiness flood him, he let out a soft “Oh.”

“Alex? Bud? Where are you?” Herc asked, trying to keep the worry out of his own voice.

They both heard desperate gasps on the other line, a sob mixed in. Laf spoke up, his voice trembling slightly. “Alex,  _ nous t’aiderons si tu nous dis où on peut te trouve. _ ” 

Herc’s mind raced as he tried to translate - with his minimal French ability - what his soulmate had said. Something about telling them where he was. 

“ _ A- au toilette, _ ” Alex stuttered through gasps  and both the other boys sighed in relief; Herc didn’t have any trouble translating that.

“We’re on our way, bud,” Herc said gently, hanging up the phone. He caught his boyfriend’s hand and started to pull him toward the school.

“Wait,” Laf said, turning around and grabbing Alex’s belongings before following Herc back into the building. They rushed as quickly as they could to the bathroom, still holding hands. They skidded in and found Charles Lee at the sink. He sneered at them as they entered.

Laf immediately released his boyfriend’s hand, feeling on edge.

“Didn’t you get suspended?” Herc growled angrily.

Charles smiled cockily. “I’m back baby.”

“Back to fuck things up more,” Herc shot back, his anger growing. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you, but leave my friends alone.”

“Hey, John had it coming,” Charles countered, taking a step forward aggressively.

“I’m not just talking about John! You think it’s cool to abuse people? Cause panic attacks? Alex doesn’t deserve your shit!” he returned loudly. It did not receive the reaction he had expected. Charles’ face crunched in confusion.

“Alex?” he asked confusedly.

“Do not play dumb,” Laf said acidly. “Where is he?”

“How the fuck would I know? What are you even talking about?” he asked dismissively, shaking his head in frustration.

“Wait,” Herc said. “You didn’t -?”

“I don’t even know what the fuck you faggots are talking about,” Charles said heatedly, shoving past the boys. Laf was shouldered roughly and fell back against the wall while Herc remained standing upright, a look of fury on his face.

Charles left and Laf let out a string of French curse words, brushing himself off.

“So where the fuck is Alex?” Herc asked, anger still burning within him, but worry now mingling with his words.

A loud gasp called their attention to the farthest stall, and they approached with caution.

“Alex? Is that you?” Laf asked gently, softly knocking on the door. “Can you open up?”

After a few moments of tense silence, they heard the lock shifting and the door swung open. Alex was sitting down, slumped against the wall, his chest rising and falling erratically. Laf immediately crouched to his level and hugged him tightly, stroking his hair. It took a long time for him to calm down.

After about five minutes of comforting him, the bell rang, signifying the end of lunch, and this inexplicably sent Alex into an even darker despair. Laf and Herc stayed with him despite knowing they would be penalized for being late to class. It took another fifteen minutes after the bell to get Alex breathing normally, but even then he was still crying.

“What happened, bud?” Herc asked gently once he’d calmed down enough to understand. Alex just shook his head and shoved his face further into Laf’s chest.

“It was not Lee?” Laf inquired in a hushed voice, accompanying his words with gentle strokes on his friend’s back. Alex shook his head.

“I was in - the bathroom - and Lee – came – in, and I – I hid in here,” Alex stuttered out, breaths coming with more difficulty. “He – didn’t do – anything.”

Laf and Herc shared a worried look. They were thinking the same thing; if it wasn’t Lee that did this to him, who was it?

“Where did Thomas go?” Herc asked warily, noting Alex’s blank arms. Laf shot his soulmate a concerned look as Alex began to sob harder.

After a moment of holding the inconsolable boy, Laf said softly, “I think Alex should go home.”

Herc shook his head. “How? His dad’s working all day, and I’ve got a test next period…”

“I can take him,” Laf said softly, still stroking Alex’s hair. The small teen shook his head but didn’t let go of Laf.

“What’s wrong?” Herc asked Alex, rubbing his back.

“Don’t – skip for – me,” Alex muttered through gasps and Laf’s face crumpled. He looked to Herc who was similarly upset by their friend’s devastation.

“ _ Mon petit lion, tu es bien sûr plus important que l’école, _ ” Laf muttered quietly. Herc half-smiled to himself. He agreed - Alex  _ was  _ more important than school - but he hoped Laf would think of himself as well. 

“I can carry him to your car?” Herc suggested, looking at his soulmate meaningfully.

“Thank you,” Laf smiled, helping turn Alex and place him on Herc’s back. The French teen led the way, making sure the hallways were clear before Herc brought Alex out.

“He’s shaking like a leaf,” Herc whispered to Laf as they exited the school together.

“What do you think could have happened?” he asked, reaching up a hand to touch Alex’s arm.

“I don’t know,” Herc replied with a frown. “But once you find out, tell me, okay?”

“I will,” Laf confirmed with a sad smile as they reached his minivan. Herc carefully placed Alex in the passenger seat and buckled him in. The small teen curled up as tightly as he could in the seat, hugging his knees tightly.

Herc shut the door and kissed Laf quickly. “Keep me updated. And… take care of yourself.”

With a nod, Laf smiled. “Good luck on your test.”

Herc shrugged off the encouragement to take his soulmate’s hand. “Seriously. Take care of yourself.”

Laf kissed his soulmate discreetly before muttering, “I love you.”

They squeezed each other’s hands for a moment before Herc left, casting worried glances over his shoulder every few seconds. Laf walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat. He drove slowly back to Alex’s apartment, in silence save for the occasional small sob from Alex. Each one made Laf’s heart break a little more.

When they got to the building, Laf carried Alex up the stairs on his back. He was far weaker than Hercules, however, so climbing the stairs was slow going. When they finally got to the top, Laf unlocked the door and immediately took Alex to his room, laying him gently down on the bed. The shaking teen curled up again, hiding his face as much as he could.

Laf gathered Alex into his arms and held him there for a very long time, speaking to him in soothing French. After almost half an hour, Alex was finally calm enough to speak.

“I’m sorry, Laf,” he muttered frantically once the sobs had ceased wracking his body. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…”

“Alex, shh. You did nothing wrong. What happened?”

“I…” Alex shook his head as tears sprang into his eyes again. Shakily, he began to explain; the fight with John, the confession of love, Thomas’ blow-up… By the end, Alex was quivering again. “…Once h-he left, I just… I thought I was gonna throw up… I was in the bathroom and then Lee s-showed up, so I hid…”

“Oh, Alex,” Laf breathed, tears filling his own eyes.

“W-why do I always fuck everything up, Laf?” Alex asked, clutching at his temples as he sobbed.

“You don’t…” Laf said softly. “I think you just need to take care of yourself, Alex… You never gave yourself time to... process.”

Alex shook his head. “I just wanted to be  _ happy _ , Laf. And I love Thomas…”

“And he loves you,” Laf supplied, rubbing his friend’s back.

Alex muttered something quietly and Laf leaned in closer. “What was that?”

“How could he?” Alex repeated at a low volume, but it was just loud enough for Laf to catch it.

“Alex, of course he loves you… I think he is fragile, too. You just need some time,” Laf assured as best he could, but he couldn’t help feeling that he was out of his depths right now; he’d never seen Alex in a darker state. “Do you want me to call your dad?”

Alex shook his head and began to quiver again, sobs racking his body.

“What is it?” Laf asked in concern, rubbing Alex’s arm.

“I want my mom,” Alex sobbed, and Laf’s heart broke a little more as he wrapped his friend in a wordless hug, for once at a loss for what to do. 

* * *

 

John had never loved the sound of the school bell more. When it finally rang out, announcing the end of the day, he rushed to his locker as quickly as he could, wrenching it open and roughly shoving his books in his bag. He just wanted this long day to be over.

“John!”

He turned around at the sound of his name and felt relief wash over him. Aaron was approaching with a smile on his face. John immediately rushed forward into his soulmate’s arms, not caring that they were attracting stares.

“What’s up?” Aaron asked with a light but concerned laugh.

“Fuck… I’m just done with today,” John said, shaking his head and leading Aaron back to his locker. “Are you free now?”

“Yeah,” Aaron smiled. “Do you want to come over?”

“Yes,” John grinned, closing his locker door gently and swinging his backpack over his shoulder. “Please.”

Together, they walked out of the school, holding hands as soon as they were off the school grounds. They arrived at Aaron’s house about fifteen minutes later and went straight to his bedroom after greeting his uncle.

John plopped himself down in Aaron’s desk chair as soon as they were inside while Aaron sat down on his neatly made bed.

“So… do you wanna talk about it?” Aaron asked with a shy smile and John felt his heart swell.

“You’re so fucking cute,” John grinned, causing the blush in his soulmate’s cheeks to deepen.

“You’re cuter,” Aaron replied awkwardly, his shyness completely unbearable to John. He quickly crossed the room to the bed and swept his soulmate into his arms, peppering his blushing face with kisses.

After a moment of giggling and pecking, their lips finally caught with one another’s and they sustained a kiss, Aaron reaching up to run his fingers through John’s curly hair. When they broke away, Aaron smiled shyly again, and John grinned, kissing his nose.

John’s soft gaze suddenly grew pensive and he shifted away, his brow furrowing. Aaron nudged him with concern.

“What’s the matter?” he asked in a soft voice, brushing back John’s hair and keeping his hand at the back of his soulmate’s freckled neck.

John shook his head, but brushed his cheek against Aaron’s arm affectionately. “How did you do it, Aaron?” he asked softly.

“Do what?” Aaron asked, brow furrowing.

“You know…” John sighed. “How did you deal with not telling me that I was your soulmate?”

There was no anger in John’s voice, but Aaron’s face became stricken with hurt. Hurriedly, John tried to clarify. “I just mean… seeing me everyday. Not being able to talk to me.”

Aaron frowned, removing his hand from John’s neck. “It was awful... I hated myself. Every time I saw you…” John leaned forward intently, but Aaron shook his head. “Can we not talk about this?”

“Fuck,” John said apologetically. “I’m sorry…”

“No, no, don’t worry,” Aaron assured his soulmate. “I just… it was hard. It’s part of the reason I hate this room. I would just come home and sit here, thinking about it… thinking about what I was doing, all the ways I was fucking up.”

Aaron shuddered slightly and John pulled him closer.

“Why did you want to know?” Aaron asked quietly.

“I… I took your advice,” John replied softly. “I apologized to Alex… you know, I just want to be his friend again, but I totally fucked that up, and… I guess I was hoping you’d say it was kind of okay.”

“What happened?” Aaron inquired, quirking an eyebrow. 

“Uh… well, I kind of confronted him, I guess; asking if we could be friends again… and he got mad, obviously, I mean… he deserves to be angry…”

Aaron gave his boyfriend a sympathetic smile and stroked his hair comfortingly. John leaned into the touch before continuing. “And he said he loved me. Still loves me.”

“Oh,” Aaron breathed softly, removing his hand from his boyfriend’s hair. Nervously, he asked, “And what did you say?”

“Nothing,” John assured his boyfriend. “Thomas showed up, and he freaked out at me… It was a mess.”

“...What would you have said?” Aaron pressed, looking at his soulmate with wide eyes.

“I… I don’t feel the same way,” John said carefully. And then, with a small smile, he muttered, “I have you.”

Aaron smiled halfheartedly. “And… I’m sure things with Alex will turn out okay. He has Thomas.”

“Yeah… I guess you’re right,” John shrugged. They sat in comfortable silence for a minute before John gave a soft laugh.

“What?” Aaron asked with a slightly amused smile.

“We’re all so fucked up,” John said, another laugh sneaking into his voice. After a moment he’d burst into full-on peals of laughter. Aaron watched with amusement and concern as his boyfriend lost it.

When John finally calmed down, wiping at his eyes streaming with mirth; Aaron placed a kiss on his nose. “You’re crazy,” he said.

“Sorry,” John replied with a sympathetic smile. “I guess I’m a little hysterical.”

Aaron smiled and took John’s hand. “Don’t apologize, J.”

John smiled back and nuzzled himself into his soulmate’s shoulder. “I feel bad that you have to put up with all of this…”

“I’m not ‘putting up’ with anything. I’m here for you no matter what, John.”

His voice was soft but sincere, his awkwardness seeping through. John smiled and kissed his soulmate’s neck. “Thank you,” he muttered, enjoying the way goosebumps rose on Aaron’s skin as it was touched by his breath.

“I love you,” Aaron mumbled quietly, and John immediately sat up.

“You do?” he asked, his eyes going wide. Aaron blushed and looked down.

“I mean… yeah. I missed you so much all those years. And now that we’re finally together, I’m just… I love you,” Aaron stuttered out, his cheeks growing darker with every word.

“Oh,” John breathed softly.

Aaron looked up, his face scrunched awkwardly as he stammered out a rushed apology. “I’m sorry if that makes you feel weird, I just… I don’t know you’re the only one that really makes me feel happy, and comfortable… and, like, you mean a lot to me. I’m sorry if I’m – fuck. I should shut up.”

John leaned forward and pressed his lips gently to Aaron’s. They maintained this position for a long time, Aaron’s hands reaching up to tangle with his soulmate’s curls once more.

Once they broke away, Aaron looked up at John shyly through his lashes. The freckled teen had a pensive look on his face.

“I’m not sure if I can… I mean, not yet... but… I feel it,” John stuttered out with a small smile.

“That’s enough.” Aaron grinned bashfully then caught John’s lips with his own again, feeling, for once, happy in his dark room.

* * *

 

Laf sat by awkwardly as Alex talked with his therapist. He’d been on the phone with her for almost an hour. School was long over now, but Herc was working a shift at his dad’s tailor shop while Laf kept him updated. 

Thankfully, Alex had calmed down; he was speaking at a low volume into the phone while Laf sat next to him, occasionally rubbing his back gently. Laf could hear the soothing tones of Amalhe’s voice drifting through the speaker, clearly setting the small teen a little more at ease. He wished he’d been able to calm Alex down. Wished he’d been enough. 

He knew what Hercules would say though; that he was always enough… He wished Herc were here now. Things always seemed easier when he was around. Laf didn’t feel so accountable or guilty with Herc there. 

He looked steadily at Alex, whose face was still blotchy, though his voice was steadier. Laf felt a lump rise in his throat. He could sometimes convince himself that he made Alex better. That he could be a stand-in mom for the small boy. But it was times like these, when he felt so powerless to help him, that he wasn’t all that the boy needed.

Laf looked down at his arm and grabbed a pen from his pocket, hovering it over his skin, unsure exactly what to say. Before he could write anything, though, Herc’s scrawl appeared. 

_ Remember Jeanette? _

Laf smiled despite himself, remembering the time he’d met Hercules’ young cousin, whom he was babysitting. She’d immediately grown very attached to him and showed him all her dolls and playthings. When it was time for her to go home, she’d kicked up a fuss, claiming that she’d much rather have Lafayette as her mother. 

_ Of course,  _ Laf wrote back. 

_ You’re a great friend… and mom,  _ Herc replied, causing Laf to smile despite himself.  _ Don’t be so hard on yourself. _

Lafayette relaxed slightly, but Herc wasn’t done.

_ And if he’s not okay, that’s not your fault.  _

Laf bit his lip, tears suddenly swimming in his eyes. His head snapped up when he heard Alex finishing up his phone conversation. Not wanting to let Alex see his vulnerability, Laf licked his thumb, swiping away the short inked conversation on his arm and scooching back toward his friend.

“Thank you. Sorry,” Alex muttered quietly into the phone and Laf heard her assure him that he needn’t apologize. Alex thanked her again and hung up, staring down at the phone in his hands for a long moment.

Laf didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to pester the boy, but he still felt utterly useless.

“She told me to take my meds,” Alex stated softly, his voice lacking emotion.

“Already?” Laf inquired, checking the time.

“She thought it would calm me down,” Alex elaborated, his voice remaining in a monotone, his eyes glassy.

“I can get them for you,” Laf said in a falsely upbeat voice, thankful for something to do. “Which ones?”

“Depression,” Alex said quietly, and Laf nodded in understanding.

“Do you want me to call your dad, too?” he asked gently.

Alex shrugged indifferently, staring off into space. Laf frowned and stood up, touching Alex’s face comfortingly before leaving. He went into the bathroom to find Alex’s pills, where George had put them after John and Alex’s break-up. Laf opened the cupboard and saw the row of bottles, each given a brightly coloured label with George’s messy handwriting.

Smiling sadly to himself, Laf found the bottle labelled in blue, with instructions and a kind message from George. Before taking the bottle back to Alex, he decided to give his friend’s dad a call.

He picked up on the third ring. “Gil. Is everything okay?”

“It is now… I think. Are you busy?” Laf asked with uncertainty.

“Uh… I’m just about to meet with a defendant. What’s wrong?”

Laf bit his lip. “Something happened with Thomas.”

He heard George’s sharp intake of breath. “But Alex is okay.”

“Well… he talked with his therapist. He is calm, but… not all there.”

“I can be home in an hour. Make sure he eats something,” George said quickly.

“Okay. I am sorry to bother you.”

“No. Thank you, Gil. I’ll see you soon.” He hung up and Laf sighed in relief. Alex would be okay once his father was home. He could make it through.

He made his way back to Alex’s room, clutching the pill bottle tightly. When he re-entered the room, he saw that Alex was shaking heavily, staring down at his hands. Fear piercing Laf’s heart, he glanced down at the boy’s quivering hands as well and his breath caught in his throat.

Blood was running thickly down the backs of his hands, streaming from his knuckles downward.

“Alex!” Laf cried, rushing to his friend’s side in an instant, dropping the pills to the floor. “What did you do?” he asked, a note of hysteria creeping into his voice as he clutched at his friend’s hands.

Alex looked up with tears in his eyes. “It’s not mine,” he breathed softly.


	19. Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: self harm, panic attack, bad parent/child relationship

Thomas stared down at his bruised knuckles in grim satisfaction. He punched the brick wall again, sucking air through his teeth as the pain reverberated down his arm and a new abrasion began to pour blood down his hand. His eyes stung with tears as he leaned his forehead against the wall, trying to steady his haggard breathing.

It felt like his heart was being clenched in a tight fist. He squeezed his eyes shut, letting tears leak out of the corners.

He pushed away from the wall and looked around the empty schoolyard. The sun was beginning to set and an icy chill bit at Thomas’ face. He relished in the pricks of pain that erupted on his skin as a cold wind washed over him. He took off his jacket and let the air hurt him. He sat on the ground and leaned against the wall of the school, gripping his hair roughly with his bleeding hands. He began to shake from the cold and his teeth chattered.

He wished he was on his date with Alex. He wished he hadn’t let his anger get the better of him and make him overreact. 

He wished he hadn’t heard that Alex had a panic attack from Charles fucking Lee. 

At the thought of Alex’s suffering, Thomas swore, squeezing his eyes tight as if to block out the negative thoughts.

He felt his anger toward himself build up, pressing on his lungs. Unable to bear it, he stood, pulling back his fist again to slam it into the blood-stained brick. As his arm flashed by his face, he noticed writing appearing there.

His heart stopped and so did his fist. He brought his arm to his face and felt his heart break in two. There, in a glittery purple gel pen, were written the words,  _ I’m sorry. _

“Fuck,” Thomas said out loud, leaning his head against the wall. With a grunt of frustration, Thomas slammed his fist against the wall again, hearing his knuckles crack against the brick. Pain shot down his arm and fresh blood spilled down the back of his hand.

He brought his fist back again but stopped when he saw fresh writing appearing.

_ Stop. Please stop. I’m so sorry. _

Tears brimmed Thomas’ eyes and he slumped against the wall, his hand smarting in pain.

_ I love you, T. I’m so sorry. _

“It’s not your fault!” Thomas yelled aloud, wishing Alex could hear. “It’s my fault. It’s my fault…” he groaned, clutching at his hair.

He sat down on the cold ground again and pulled a pen out of his backpack, placing the nib gently on the skin of his arm. His knuckles ached in protest as he began to write. But nothing came out of his pen. He scratched it feverishly on his skin, but the ink was dry. He frantically searched through his bag for another pen but couldn’t find one. Thomas remembered his anger from earlier; so frustrated with himself that he made sure not to grab any pens from his locker. He’d felt unworthy to talk to Alex.

He groaned now, regretting that decision completely. His phone buzzed against his thigh, then, and he pulled it out, hoping that Alex was calling. He was disappointed.

Answering the phone quickly, he greeted Althea, trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

“Thomas, your parents want you to come home,” she said softly, her voice nervous.

“I told them I would be home late tonight,” Thomas said with a hard edge in his voice.

“Yes, well… they need to talk to you,” Althea replied with uncertainty.

His brow furrowing, he asked, “Can you put them on the phone?”

“…You should come home.”

With a resigned sigh, Thomas said he would and hung up. He pushed himself off the ground, grinding his knuckles into the rough concrete. He hissed air through his teeth, enjoying the release.

He began to walk back home, kicking at the gravel as he did so; hating himself.

* * *

 

“Why isn’t he replying?” Alex asked in a high-pitched voice, staring down at his arm.

Laf shook his head. “I do not know. Perhaps he does not have a pen?” he ventured.

“Or something worse…” Alex said softly, streaking the blood on the back of his hand with his fingers. He gazed at it, his heartbeat picking up again nervously.

Laf’s brow furrowed and there was an almost imperceptible note of impatience in his voice as he said, “Please try to remain positive, Alex. I am sure he is okay.”

“But you don’t  _ know _ –” Alex pressed with a sharp look at Laf before he was cut off.

“I do not see why it matters! He is acting like a child, Alex. He knew that you loved John,” Laf said, frustration seeping more into his speech with every word.

Alex looked down at his hands, which were beginning to shake again. His voice came out in a whisper. “He’s bleeding, Laf.”

Laf bit his lip, immediately regretting his harsh tone. “I know,” he said softly, wrapping an arm around his small friend. Alex was still shaking uncontrollably, feeling utterly weak. It felt as though someone had wrung his whole body out like a washcloth, now lacking any weight or purpose.

“Alex?” an anxious voice suddenly filled the apartment as the front door slammed shut.

“Dad?” Alex called out, pulling himself out of Laf’s arms. Weakly, he got to his feet, brief tunnel vision clouding his periphery, and stumbled out into the hall. Laf hovered nervously behind him.

George looked down the hall and his face crumpled in relief when he saw his son standing straight. He ran down the hallway and wrapped Alex in a warm hug, holding him tightly. Alex relaxed in his father’s embrace and clung closely to him, his breaths coming in short, dry sobs.

After a moment, George took a step back to look at his son. As soon as the support was gone, Alex lost his footing slightly and stumbled forward. His father caught him and looked over his head at Laf.

“Has he eaten?” he asked in a hard voice.

Laf shook his head nervously. “He refused. He has not had anything to drink either.”

“Alright,” George nodded. “Let’s go to the kitchen, okay Alex?”

Alex nodded, bristling slightly at the condescending nature of the request. He followed weakly behind his dad, swaying slightly. Wherever his eyes moved, his brain followed a few seconds behind. He felt Laf’s steadying hand on his shoulder, and relaxed a little, able to maintain a straight path. He sat down at the table as soon as they were in the kitchen, and his father started preparing dinner for all of them. Laf poured him out a glass of water and Alex took small sips, his dizziness fading.

Alex stared down at his arm, hoping and praying that Thomas’ writing would appear there, but nothing did. The bleeding had stopped, but Alex wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. At the thought, his throat constricted and he did his best to sip some more water.

After about twenty minutes, George served dinner. It was beans and rice, Alex’s favourite dish from home. Gratitude washed over him, but he felt unable to express it. For something to do, Alex began to eat. Queasiness twisted in his stomach, but he kept eating. He hoped it would make his father happy.

“Why is there blood on his hands?” George asked Laf, noting Alex’s apparent removal from the conversation.

“It is not his,” Laf said gently. “We… it has been a rough day.”

“What happened?” George asked seriously.

Alex silently prayed that Laf wouldn’t explain everything. He wasn’t sure if he could handle reliving it. To his dismay, and immediate panic, Laf began to explain. He held back no details, and Alex began to tremble again. Laf and George didn’t take notice as they were preoccupied with the story.

When Laf began to explain the extent of the panic attack, Alex dropped his fork, his fingers shaking. The cutlery clattered onto the table, and Laf and George looked up from their conversation.

“Alex? Are you okay?” George asked, and Alex felt heat build up in his face as he got to his feet.

Of course he wasn’t okay. Of course he wasn’t. Alex bit back his anger, his breaths coming in short gasps, and muttered that he needed to use the bathroom.

Taking his leave from the table, Alex felt himself swaying. He got to the hall and turned around. He didn’t just need a break, he needed to escape. Pulling on his shoes as quietly as he could, he slipped out the front door. He took the stairs down three at a time, almost falling twice. Once he was downstairs, he ran out onto the street. Taking steadying breaths in the cool night air, he decided to turn left; toward the school. He began to jog in that direction, the crisp wind clearing his head and easing the dizziness.

Closing his eyes to stop them from burning, Alex continued to run. Until he ran into something. Hard.

He stumbled backward and fell to the pavement, scraping the heels of his hands on the rough sidewalk.

“Alex.”

He looked up blearily at the person he’d run into, and felt a twinge of relief.

“Herc,” he breathed. The taller boy reached down to help his friend up, and pulled him into a hug.

“Where are you going? I was just coming to see you,” Hercules said with a soft smile.

“I –” Alex panted slightly, not realizing how out of breath he was until that moment. “I needed to get out of my house, and…” Alex flushed as tears formed in his eyes. “I need to find Thomas. I thought he might be at the school…”

“Does anyone know you’re here?” Herc asked with concern.

Alex shook his head, and his friend nodded. “Well now I do. Let’s go find Thomas.”

Alex smiled gratefully at his friend and they began to walk quickly to the school. They scoured the schoolground, Alex looking around the front of the school and by the portables while Herc scanned the sides and back of the school.

“Oh Jesus,” Herc breathed as he neared the corner to the front of the school, having found no one behind.

“What?” Alex asked, jogging over to his friend who was staring agape at the brick wall of the building. As he approached, he looked at the brick as well, and felt his stomach turn over.

“Is that –?” Herc asked in disgust.

“Blood,” Alex murmured, his eyes sparkling with tears. He looked at the pattern of the blood, and with a grim understanding, took a step back. He turned away, feeling his queasiness rise in him.

Herc’s hand landed on his shoulder. “Where do you wanna go now?” he asked softly.

His friend’s voice brought Alex out of his reverie, and he shook his head, clearing his mind. “Thomas’ house.”

“You know the way?” Herc asked, quirking an eyebrow suggestively. Not in the mood to joke, Alex only nodded, causing Herc to sober. “Let’s go then.”

Alex began to walk up the street at a fast clip, taking deep breaths as he did so. Herc trotted behind, watching his friend worriedly.

Soon they entered the leafy neighbourhood, the branches and dried leaves rattling in the frigid wind. Alex shivered and Herc took off his jacket, draping it around the small teen’s shoulders. He was practically swimming in it, but his shivers ceased, eliciting a relieved smile from Hercules.

“This is it,” Alex breathed as they approached the well-kept house. He shivered again, but this time his temperature had nothing to do with it.

“Want me to wait out here?” Herc asked, and Alex nodded uncertainly. With a steadying breath, he walked up the path to the door. His heart racing, he raised his fist to knock.

He waited for about thirty seconds before turning to look at Herc, who gestured that he should knock again. He did so, his heart beating a rapid tattoo against his ribcage.

After a few more seconds, Althea opened the door, looking nervous.

“Alex, hi,” she greeted carefully, checking over her shoulder. As soon as the door was opened, the sound of raised voices met Alex’s ears.

“Is Thomas here?” Alex asked, his throat tightening at the loud noises coming from the house.

“Yes… I’m not sure if you should come in,” she said in a hushed voice, careful not to call attention to herself.

“Althea! Who’s at the door?” a deep voice shouted, and Alex jumped.

A man looked out into the foyer and saw Alex standing at the door. His face darkened.

“Thomas. It’s for you,” he said in a rage-filled monotone, making Alex’s blood go cold. Thomas appeared suddenly beside his father, looking smaller than Alex had ever seen him. He held his soulmate’s gaze with an unreadable expression.

“Well. Aren’t you going to invite him in?” his father demanded coolly. 

“Alex… can you come in?” Thomas muttered quietly. 

“Um…” Alex’s voice came out in a squeak. He cleared his throat nervously and glanced back at Herc. “My friend is here.”

“By all means,” his father began in an acid tone. “Bring him in too.”

Herc, hearing this, followed Alex up the steps and into the house. They both shed their shoes quickly, feeling utterly intrusive. 

They walked into the minimalistic living room. Thomas’ mother was sitting on the far right arm of the couch, her hands folded in her lap tensely. She stared at the boys as they entered her living room. 

As Alex passed Thomas, he felt fingers brush against his arm. He looked into his soulmate’s eyes, and for a second, saw a flash of sorrow before he glanced back to the  ground. Alex’s pulse quickened, feeling anxiety rise in his throat. He tried to take a steadying breath, but it seemed as though all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. 

“Care to introduce us?” Thomas’ mother asked. Her tone was light but cold. Alex began to shake. 

“Um… this is Hercules Mulligan,” Thomas said awkwardly, gesturing at the taller of the boys, unable to meet his glaring gaze. He then pointed to Alex. “And this is my soulmate, Alexander Hamilton.”

Alex breathed in sharply. He knew he should offer his hand to Thomas’ parents, but he was rooted to the spot, shaking.

Thomas’ parents introduced themselves as Peter and Jane in quiet but lethal voices. Alex nodded at them to the best of his ability, but his functions were so jammed up he found it difficult to emote. 

“Alexander. Why don’t you tell us what happened between you and Thomas? From the beginning.” Peter’s voice was deep and effortlessly loud, causing Alex’s nerves to flare up. His eyes widened and he looked helplessly at his soulmate. He could more than hold his own in an argument, but that’s not what this was. This was an interrogation.

“I - I -” Alex couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak. 

“James came by today,” Thomas said in a choked voice, trying to convey a deeper meaning to his soulmate. Alex, however, was incapable of comprehending anything. His mind was whirling. 

“Did we ask  _ you  _ to explain, Thomas?” his mother demanded. Her gaze shifted to her son’s soulmate, her eyes going cold. “Now. Explain.”

“Leave him alone,” Herc’s loud and angry voice cut through, much to Alex’s relief. 

“Excuse me?” she balked.

“I said leave him alone. Stop badgering him; he didn’t do anything wrong!” Hercules said hotly, his impressive presence filling the room.

“Your parents let you speak to them this way?” Jane demanded, getting to her feet. 

“They let me speak to assholes this way, yeah!” Herc said hotly. “Obviously  _ you  _ have something to say, not Alex. So spit it out!”

Peter’s jaw set on edge, but he nodded. “Thomas.”

Thomas cleared his throat, but remained staring at his feet. “Alex… James came looking for me. And he mentioned to my parents that you and I had a fight…”

Alex’s vision was blurring as he tried to suck in air without obviously gasping. It took all his effort to focus on what his soulmate was saying. 

“...So, I told them… our story. How I pretended to dislike you because I wanted to keep us a secret,” Thomas hedged, briefly glancing up at his soulmate with meaningful eyes. Alex’s brain was working sluggishly, but he was beginning to comprehend the situation. 

With a valiant breath, Alex managed to push words out of his mouth. “Can we talk alone?” he asked in a strangled voice. It sounded far away to him; as though he was actually a few rooms away, not rooted to this spot, stammering like an idiot.

“Whatever you have to say to Thomas you can say in front of us,” Peter said calmly.

Somewhere inside, Alex found the strength to shake his head. “No. I’d like to talk to my soulmate alone, please.”

“Fine,” Jane said coolly, and Thomas took his soulmate’s arm, leading him into the kitchen. They could still be easily heard by the occupants of the next room, but the walls gave the illusion of privacy. 

Thomas held Alex’s arm tightly. Too tightly. “Can you breathe?”

Alex shook his head desperately, and Thomas instructed him to follow his breathing. Slowly, his breaths became regulated and he could relax slightly. 

“W- what the fuck is happening?” Alex asked, and Thomas looked over his shoulder nervously, knowing that their every word could be overheard. 

“You have to go,” he said with urgency. 

“Thomas, I – I’m so sorry for everything. I’m s- sorry.” Alex’s shaking grew worse, and his breathing shortened.

Immediately, warm, strong arms were wrapping around him. Thomas squeezed him tightly, running a hand through his hair.

“Alex… please don’t apologize,” Thomas muttered. “But you have to go.”

“No…” Alex protested weakly, but Thomas squeezed him tighter.

“I love you Alex,” Thomas whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“I love you too…” He was so confused. So tired. Why wouldn’t Thomas just tell him what was going on?

“But you have to leave,” Thomas said, his voice shaking slightly.

“Will you be okay?”

“…I’ll be fine,” Thomas said, not meeting his eyes.

“Thomas… I can help…”

“No,” Thomas said sharply.

“Can you at least tell me -?”

“No.”

“Why?” Alex breathed, his heart slamming against his chest as tears burned his eyes. “If it’s your parents…”

“No. I just… you keep getting hurt,” Thomas mumbled, his voice breaking. At a louder volume, he said clearly; “We’re done.”

“I’m fine,” Alex insisted, beginning to tremor again, his knees going weak. “Thomas, please –”

“I can’t do it again,” Thomas stated hoarsely. “I can’t keep… Goodbye, Alex.”

Numb to the world, Alex’s mind was reeling. 

“They’re leaving,” Alex heard Thomas announce loudly to his parents. When had he left the room?

“They can’t just go, we’re not done here!” Jane said hotly. 

“They’re leaving!” Thomas yelled. Alex felt a strong hand grabbing his wrist. Was Thomas back? He was led to the door, his feet dragging. 

“Don’t talk to your mother that way -”

Alex barely heard the door close behind them, darkness was swirling in his mind, his vision blurring. Suddenly strong arms wrapped around him.

“You’re okay, bud, you’re okay,” Herc muttered gently, but Alex was too far gone to hear.


	20. Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: implied suicidal thoughts, panic attack, depression mention, anxiety mention, trauma mention

George ran to the door as soon as he heard the knock. He threw it wide open, revealing Herc carrying a dazed-looking Alex on his back.

“Oh, thank God,” George breathed as Herc brought his dishevelled son inside, placing him on his feet.

Laf ran past and threw himself at his soulmate. “Why did you not tell me he was okay?” he accused, his anger starkly juxtaposing the warm hug he was giving his soulmate.

“Didn’t have a pen,” Herc muttered. “Plus he didn’t want me to…”

George looked with concern at his son as Laf and Herc began to bicker. The small teen had a faraway look in his eyes.

“Alex…” George began, touching his son’s shoulder. The small teen shrank back, his brows knitting together in apparent frustration.

“Alex. Are you okay?” George asked calmly.

Alex’s face contorted in anger, his reddened eyes darkening. “Why the fuck would you ask that?” he exploded, and George’s face went slack in surprise. 

Laf and Herc both jumped, staring down at their friend in surprise.

“We should go…” Laf said awkwardly, taking Herc’s hand.

“I think that would be best,” George said, his brow furrowing. Quietly, the two boys slipped out, shooting worried looks at their fuming friend. Once the door closed, George spoke in a calm but stern voice. “Alex…”

“I’m sorry, dad, but when am I ever okay, really? Why do you keep asking me that? Why does  _ everybody  _ keep asking me that?” Alex snapped bitterly, crossing his arms.

“Because we want to know!” George said loudly and Alex jumped, staring up at his father with wide eyes. “We want to know if you’re okay, Alex, because we care about you. You can’t just – I mean, you’re not always okay, and we want to know what we can do to help.”

“You should  _ know _ ,” Alex said hotly, before tears burned his eyes. “Mom knew…”

“But you’ve never told me, Alex!  _ Tell  _ me! Don’t up and leave from the dinner table without a word,  _ tell  _ me what you need!”

Alex shook his head. “You talk about me like I’m not even there… I just couldn’t stand it…”

“Then let me know that, Alex! That’s all I’m asking. Just let me know. Please,” George begged, putting a hand on his son’s shoulder. Alex shook it off roughly.

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” Alex huffed, his eyes trained on the floor again.

“Tough!” George shouted. Then, at a quieter volume, “I’m sorry, Alex, but you have to talk about these things. I know they’re unpleasant. And I know it’s difficult…”

“How would you know?” Alex shot back. “You have no idea what it’s like to have anxiety, or depression, or trauma…”

“But I do know what it’s like to have a son who has them. And I need to know more. You have to tell me  _ more _ ,” George said in a much more tender voice, his sadness breaking through.

Alex stared down at his feet. Why wasn’t he wearing shoes? He remembered slipping them off his feet, placing them at Thomas’ immaculately kept doorway. They must still be sitting there, in his soulmate’s cold house. The thought was almost funny, and Alex felt hot tears spilling onto his cheeks. Here he was; a mess, thinking about his shoes left in his ex-boyfriend’s house. A burden to his father. Too everyone. Replying to his father now, Alex snapped, “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you,” in a harsh tone despite his voice being thick with tears.

“Don’t do that to me, Alex. I’m just trying to understand,” George tried to reason exasperatedly.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Alex muttered, sniffling and crossing his arms.

“Where did you go and why?” George asked immediately, crossing his own arms.

“…You guys were talking about me like I wasn’t even there… you were asking Laf for updates on me when I was sitting right next to you. You just put food in front of me like that would solve all my problems, like you’re the number one dad or whatever…”

“Woah, woah, woah, back up,” George said, silencing his son by holding up his hands. “I just wanted you to eat –”

“- like it would solve everything –”

“- because I was worried about you!” George cried out. “Alex. I’m constantly worried about you. Always. I worry about what you’re eating, what you’re feeling… I worry about whether I’m taking you to the therapist too often or too little. I worry about whether you’ve taken your meds or if it’s even a good idea for you to take them. I worry that one day I’ll come back home… and I won’t be in time.” George’s voice cracked as he placed his head in his hands. “Alex… I love you so much. I’m just trying to do my best, here. You’ve gotta help me with that.”

Alex looked up at his father, his eyes full of tears. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

“Don’t apologize,” George said softly, sinking to his son’s level. “Please don’t apologize. I just… I need to know.”

“I’ll try to tell you…” Alex said uncertainly in a soft voice. George touched his son’s face, fixing him with a steady stare.

“Don’t just try, Alex. You have to tell me these things,” George said sternly but not unkindly, a small, sad smile tugging at his lips.

“Okay,” Alex nodded, swiping at his tears. He wrapped his arms around his dad and allowed himself to be pulled into a hug. George’s strong arms wrapped around him and held him tightly. He felt safe in this embrace; truly secure.

“Where were you?” George asked seriously once they pulled away.

“I…” more tears fell down Alex’s face. “I went to go see Thomas.”

“Oh,” George said softly. “What happened?”

Alex’s lip quivered as a lump formed in his throat. “We, uh…” he swiped again at his streaming eyes, sniffling loudly. “We broke up.”

“What?” George said, dumbfounded. “But he’s your soulmate…”

“I know,” Alex said with a bitter laugh, more tears falling. “He says he doesn’t want to hurt me…”

George nodded in understanding, but then patted his son’s cheek. “He’ll come around. I promise. Things like this… people get hurt. It’s what happens.”

“He’s more worried about… well… what you’re worried about. About me. About my depression… he’s worried he’s gonna make me…” the small teen shuddered, more tears falling.

“Oh, Alex,” George muttered, pulling his son into another hug. “I promise… you two will be okay. You’ll see.”

“…Thanks, dad,” Alex said with a weak smile, brushing his tears away roughly.

“But don’t you dare run off like that again,” George said suddenly sternly. “You absolutely terrified me.”

“I won’t, I promise,” Alex muttered with a half-assed smile, his tears still flowing thickly.

“Good. You hungry?”

“Not really,” Alex shrugged, holding his thin body tightly, as if nauseous. “I think I just want to go to bed.”

“Okay,” his father nodded, still looking on with concern. “Are you -?” he stopped himself. “Do you need anything?”

Alex smiled as much as he could through his tears. “I’m okay.”

* * *

 

 

Alex was meticulous in taking his pills the next morning. It comforted him to read each of his father’s carefully written labels, tip each bottle over, feeling the weight of each pill hit his hand before he swallowed it. He had been thinking all night. About Thomas. About his father. About John. He was sick of thinking.

He picked up his last bottle of pills; anxiety medication. He looked at his father’s encouraging note and his stomach twisted.  _ Take deep breaths. It’ll be okay.  _ But it wouldn’t be okay. His soulmate didn’t want to be with him. John didn’t want to be with him. Who would?

Alex tipped the bottle into his hand heavily, letting a cascade of pills fall into his palm. He stared at the pile of them, his heart pounding.

“Alex?” his father called, and Alex jumped. He hastily dropped all but one of the pills back into the bottle. He washed it down with a gulp of water, his pulse still racing.

“Yeah, dad?” Alex called back, realizing that his voice was far higher than normal.

“I can give you a drive today, if you want,” his father told him, appearing in the bathroom doorway. Alex glanced over at him nervously and nodded.

“That’d be great, thanks,” Alex assented with a forced smile. His dad looked at him in concern. Alex knew he was refraining from asking whether his son was okay. Alex then remembered the deal they had; he should tell his dad when something was wrong. He didn’t know what he could say, though. It didn’t seem organic to just out and out say that he was feeling depressed. Suicidal. Alex shook his head. His father should know…

“Dad…” Alex said softly as his father began to turn around.

“Yes?” George asked, turning back immediately, a little glimmer of hope in his eyes.

“I’m… uh…” Alex took a deep breath. “I think today might be difficult. For me. But I’m gonna try, okay?”

His father gave him a searching look, as if trying to see exactly what his son’s vague words meant. “If you need me, you can call, okay?”

Alex nodded and followed his dad out of the room, relieved to leave his pills behind. As soon as they were in the car on the way to school, Alex’s stomach twisted again. He was going to have to see Thomas. And John.

He bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth until a metallic taste filled his mouth.

“Son?” George said softly, and Alex looked over to see his father staring at him intently. “Do you want to go back home?”

_ Yes! _

“No…” Alex muttered. “I’ll be okay.”

When they pulled into the school parking lot, Alex took a moment to breathe before unbuckling his seatbelt. He thanked his father quietly before leaving the car and walking straight to their usual picnic bench where Herc and Laf were already seated. It still didn’t look right without John there.

As he approached, Herc got up and ran over, wrapping him in a bear hug. Alex immediately felt himself relaxing in the warm embrace. There was nothing quite like a hug from Hercules. He hugged back tightly, and they stayed that way for a long moment. When they pulled away, Herc gave him a small smile, which Alex returned, having been cheered up greatly.

“Is Laf still mad at you?” Alex asked with a small laugh.

Herc grinned. “A little.”

“A lot,” Laf said, appearing at his soulmate’s side and shooting him an annoyed look before turning his gaze on Alex. “Do not think I am not mad at you, either, Alex. But at least you had a reason for disappearing.”

“What was my reason?” Alex demanded, bristling.

“You needed to talk with Thomas,” Laf said gently, slightly surprised - almost guilty? - at the venom in his friend’s voice.

“Oh,” Alex replied, deflating. “Yeah. Right.”

“We don’t have to talk about that, though,” Herc cut in quickly, leading Alex back to the picnic table. “You and your dad okay?”

Alex nodded. “We’re fine… We talked it out, I guess.”

“Good,” Laf smiled with a nod. “Now, the both of you had better promise me; never sneak off like that again, okay?”

“Sure, mom,” Alex said with a laugh, and Herc snickered. Laf fixed his ponytail indignantly while the other boys laughed.

“Mind if I sit with you guys?” a familiar voice asked suddenly, and all three of them looked up, amazed, into the nervous face of John Laurens.

Immediately, and completely without subtlety, Herc and Laf turned to Alex, their mouths comically hanging open.

“Um… yeah,” Alex said with a forced smile, though his heart began to hammer against his ribcage. They all soon realized that their old configuration (Laf and Herc on one side, John and Alex on the other) would no longer work, so Herc shifted around the bench to sit next to Alex while John took a seat beside Laf.  

“Where’s Aaron?” Laf asked lightly, attempting to diffuse the tension.

At the mention of his soulmate’s name, John’s face lit up in a smile. Alex felt anger stab redhot inside himself. He deserved that happy look. Not John. 

“He’s sitting with James and Thomas today,” John smiled. 

“Oh, so you’d thought you’d deign to visit your friends for a day?” Herc asked jokingly, and John laughed, relaxing a little.

“I couldn’t really remember what y’all looked like, so I figured it was time,” John returned, and they both laughed again.

Laf’s foot brushed Alex’s under the table, and the small teen’s eyes shot up.

“ _ Es-tu d’accord? _ ” Laf mouthed, and Alex felt a small flare of anger. He didn’t reply, only pulling his feet back under his seat to stop that mode of communication from Laf. **

“Actually I did come with a purpose,” John said, seeming far more at ease.

“Of course,” Herc said, rolling his eyes.

“Well, you guys know it’s my birthday today, and we had plans before… everything. I just wanted to see if you guys were still up for a party?”

Fear gripped Alex’s heart at the words, but he kept his eyes trained on the table.

“Uh, yeah, sure! I’m down,” Herc said cheerily. 

“Yes, of course, John,” Laf smiled. They all turned to look at Alex and he glanced up nervously.

Despite his inner voice screaming at him to decline, he found himself nodding. John grinned at him, softness touching his eyes.

“Great! I’m… I’m really happy you still wanna…” John trailed off, his cheeks colouring. “Just thanks.”

“Of course, dude,” Herc grinned. Internally, Alex’s mind was awhirl. Had John forgotten their fight from the day before? Why was he acting like everything was going to go back to normal? And, worst of all, why were Laf and Herc going along with it?

“Well… I should go,” John said, standing up. “It was… I’ll see you around.”

Herc and Laf waved as John left. Immediately, Alex felt Herc’s hand on his shoulder as he asked, “Are you okay?”

Alex stared at Herc in disbelief. “Did I miss something?” he demanded, looking back and forth between Laf and Herc.

“What?” Laf asked, leaning forward.

“When did you guys become best friends again?” Alex demanded, his cheeks flushing with anger.

“We were always friends…” Herc muttered confusedly.

“Did you start talking again before or after he broke me and Thomas up?” he demanded venomously.

“Wait, wait, wait… hold on,” Herc said, holding up his hands to stop his small friend. “Since when did  _ John  _ break you two up?”

“It was  _ all  _ his fault!” Alex yelled, knowing it wasn’t true, but letting his rage bubble over. “Now we’re just going to pretend like nothing happened?”

“Dude… he’s our friend. We can’t just… drop him,” Herc said softly, his brow furrowing in hurt.

“Yes, Alex… it is not all his fault,” Laf reasoned.

“So you’re saying it’s my fault?” Alex demanded, his temper flaring wildly.

“Jesus, no!” Herc cried.

“Fuck this,” Alex said, shaking slightly as he swung his bag over his shoulder and marched into the school.

As soon as he was away from his friends, he felt regret stab at him, and his eyes began to burn. His heart clenched as he stumbled into the bathroom, splashing water on his face. He stared down at his arms and a sob caught in his throat. He wanted to talk to Thomas. He needed him. But he’d pushed him away, like everyone else.

Unable to contain it, Alex gasped loudly as tears began to drip down his face. His knees weakened and he dropped to the floor, placing his face in his hands as his shoulders shook. His cries echoed in the empty bathroom and he prayed that no one could hear him. He was sick of crying. Sick of this helpless feeling. Sick of not being able to take care of himself.

With a jolt of fear he heard the door open, but it was too late to hide in the stall. Terror curling inside of him, Alex waited for the harsh words to hit his ears. He waited to be called weak, crybaby, faggot…

“Darling…” a soft voice muttered and he was being pulled into warm, strong arms.

Alex opened his eyes and looked up. He was in the arms of his soulmate.

“Thomas,” Alex breathed, his eyes brimming with tears again.

“Shh,” Thomas whispered, stroking his soulmate’s hair. “I’m here.”

“But…” Alex protested, pulling out of the tight embrace. “You… we…”

He only then took note of the fact that Thomas’ own eyes were puffy, as though he’d been crying all night. His hair was more dishevelled than usual, and his brows were knit together in concern and sadness. “I know.”

“I thought…” Alex tried again, shaking his head as the words failed to form.

Thomas sighed. “I know. I have to… figure some stuff out,” he said softly. “But I love you, Alex. Please don’t doubt that.”

“But –” no sound came out of Alex’s mouth, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “But you broke up with me.”

“I… for now. I just think it’s best if we wait a bit. We both have shit to go through…”

“Don’t you think that’s something you would  _ discuss  _ with me?” Alex said, his anger flaring again. “Rather than just breaking it off?”

“I know what’s best…” Thomas protested.

“Because  _ everyone  _ knows better than me!” Alex shouted, getting to his feet as his rage built. “You can’t just – you can’t just drift in and out, Thomas. If you love me, then be with me. It’s as simple as that.”

Thomas got to his feet as well. “Alex, it’s not –”

“I want  _ you,  _ Thomas. Always,” Alex asserted, his brow furrowing.

“And I can give you that, if you just give me some time… I want to be here for you, but…”

“But what?” Alex demanded, his tears still falling in rapid succession. “It’s either now or never!”

“That’s not true!” Thomas shot back, his own anger coming into the mix. “I’m just going to hurt you if we get together now!”

“I can deal with getting hurt –”

“But I can’t!” Thomas shouted, his eyes growing tortured. “I can’t deal with hurting you any more than I already have. And… the way I am now… I’m not good for you.”

Thomas shook his head, biting his lip. Alex stared up at him with wide, hurt eyes.

“I love you, Thomas. I need you to know that. More than John. More than anybody. And this? Right now? This is hurting me more than anything else.”

Thomas shattered as Alex wiped his eyes. “I have to get to class,” he muttered, brushing past his soulmate and leaving him there, devastated.


	21. Together

It had been a hellish morning. After he left Thomas in the bathroom, Alex was forced to endure two mindless classes, while trying to stop himself from breaking down. Eliza was in his French class, and even though she sat beside him, he remained sullen and subdued. By lunch, both his mind and stomach were an uncomfortable swill of anger and sadness. He saw Herc and Laf at their usual table, and knew he had to apologize for his behaviour earlier. With a deep breath, Alex approached the picnic table.

“Hey guys,” Alex muttered softly. His friends looked up at him; Laf with a look of concern, Herc with a look of mild frustration. “I’m sorry I flipped out before…”

“Have you cooled off?” Herc asked shortly, and Alex nodded, looking down at the ground. Herc nodded. “Good.”

“Look, I’m really sorry… I get that I was being a dick,” Alex said at a slightly louder volume, upset that Herc still seemed angry.

“It is fine,” Laf said with a smile, standing up to gather his friend in a tight hug. “How are you?”

“I don’t know…” Alex muttered, hugging his friend back and trying to stop himself from crying again. He hated this. Hated himself for acting so weak. He should be stronger than a fucking breakup. 

Laf pulled away and stroked Alex’s hair, working through some tangles. He took his friend’s hand and sat him down at the bench. He began to brush Alex’s hair with his fingers, and pulled it back into a ponytail, making sure to catch all the stray hairs.

“Thank you,” Alex murmured once his hair was back completely, revealing his tired, tear-ridden face.

“Of course,” Laf replied, sitting back while Alex turned the right way around on the bench. Herc was watching them with interest. Laf looked over at his boyfriend and they shared a quick look of understanding; they should leave Alex alone for now.

Alex leaned his elbows on the table and began to trace the grains of wood with his finger, feeling the rough texture scrape against his skin. He almost wished a splinter would come off; pierce his skin. Maybe it would remove him slightly from the inner hell he was facing.

“Do you not have lunch?” Herc asked, eyeing his friend after sharing a worried glance with Laf.

“Not hungry,” Alex mumbled through compressed lips; his fist squishing his cheek inward to cease coherent speech.

“You should eat,  _ chou _ ,” Laf said softly, placing a hand on his friend’s back and rubbing soothing circles.

Alex felt himself bristle with anger again. He wished they wouldn’t badger him. He knew he should eat, but he couldn’t bring himself to; his stomach was in anxious knots and his throat felt dry. 

“I’m okay,” he muttered, his stomach twisting with nausea. He wanted this day to be over. He wanted everything to be over. His throat constricted and he felt like he was going to be sick.

“How long’s it been since you had food?” Herc asked, concern seeping into his words. Alex’s heart began to pound as he thought back. It had been over 24 hours since he’d last eaten properly. He knew he was hungry. He knew he was dizzy with hunger. But he couldn’t bring himself to eat.

“I had breakfast this morning,” Alex lied, his voice sounding tight. “I’m fine.”

Laf nodded, looking relieved. He continued to eat happily, and Herc did the same. Alex felt guilt gnaw at him. They had a right to be worried. But he didn’t want to worry them; he wished he could just disappear.

“Alex!”

He turned around at the sound of his name and saw Eliza rushing toward him. He felt an involuntary smile fill up his face as he stood to hug her.

“Mind if I steal him for a sec?” she asked Laf and Herc brightly, and they both nodded back.

She took Alex by the hand and he followed along as she dragged him to a tree-covered corner of the yard, taking a seat on the cold ground.

“What’s up?” he asked nervously, knowing he had been uncharacteristically cold toward her in French class that morning. To his relief, she gave him a light smile. 

“Well, I heard John just invited you to his party, and I already have a present for him, so do you want to split it? Take the pressure off of you, because I know things are awkward right now…” she gave him a warm smile which was easily returned.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he said, trying to muster as much enthusiasm as he could, but his voice coming out flat.

Her dark eyes gave him a searching look but she just cuddled into his side. He gratefully hugged her back.

“Hey I’m sorry we haven’t talked that much since I got back,” she said, looking up at him. “But we should hang out soon.”

“Yeah…” Alex nodded blandly.

“No seriously, Alex. You mean a lot to me,” she said with a sincere smile. He looked into her kind face and couldn’t help but believe her. He felt the tension around his heart relax a little bit.

“You mean a lot to me, too,” Alex smiled.

“Oh, hey. I got you a Coffee Crisp,” she grinned, pulling the chocolate bar out of her bag. “My mom bought our Halloween candy and I made sure to steal you one.”

Alex grinned, remembering their bond over this particular chocolate bar the first Halloween he spent in America. He took it from her with a smile.

“Where’s Maria?” he asked.

“Oh, we’re supposed to be going out for lunch today, but I wanted to talk to you first.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Alex said, his brow furrowing. “Your date’s more important.”

“Hey,” she said, leaning forward and touching his face. “You’re what’s important.”

She leaned in to kiss him on the forehead then got to her feet, brushing the grass from her jeans. She waved goodbye cheerily as she ran off to find her soulmate. Alex watched her go, sad that she was leaving, but feeling immensely cheered for her having been with him.

His stomach grumbled and he unwrapped the chocolate bar, gobbling it down quickly.

* * *

 

“So Gil is coming to pick you up?” George asked, watching his son fix his hair in the hall mirror.

“Yeah… he and Herc are coming. We’re gonna go together,” Alex replied, huffing in frustration as he let his hair down before trying to tame it back again.

“Are you looking forward to it?” his father asked carefully, giving his son a worried look.

Alex shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I think this’ll be a good chance for you,” George said with a smile, getting up from his spot on the couch to stand beside his son, clapping him on the shoulder. “You and John need to work things out. Maybe this is the beginning of that.”

Alex felt nerves crawl across his skin. “Yeah. Maybe.”

Before George could respond with encouraging words, the front door opened and Herc and Laf walked through, grinning. 

“Hey guys,” Alex said with a forced smile. George also greeted the boys warmly, shaking Herc’s hand and patting Laf’s shoulder.

“Should we go?” Laf asked, quickly taking over Alex’s hair and tying it back neatly with deft fingers.

“Sure,” Alex said, attempting to make his voice sound casual.

Herc gave him a worried look, but nodded. Laf took his soulmate’s hand and whispered something in his ear. Herc nodded again in understanding and started toward the door. 

“You boys have fun,” George grinned as Alex and Herc left through the front door. As soon as he was out in the hall, Alex noticed that Laf was still inside.

“Is he coming?” he asked Herc confusedly.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be out in a minute,” Herc nodded, not quite meeting Alex’s eyes. Immediately, Alex’s mind went into overdrive; obviously Laf was talking with his father, but about what? About him? How to deal with him? Alex felt anger prickle inside, and he glanced at Herc, who was looking off to the side awkwardly.

“Are you sure we’re good?” Alex asked his friend, crossing his arms.

“We’re good, Alex,” he smiled, finally looking him in the eye. Alex knew he was being sincere, and relaxed a little. He decided not to ask about Laf. He didn’t want to disturb the peace.

Laf emerged from the apartment, then, and shot Alex a smile. Though angry, Alex returned it. He needed this night to go as well as it could; didn’t want to cause any more strife in their friend group than there already had been. He relied on them. 

They traipsed down the stairs while talking lightly about the party and the gifts they’d bought for John. When they got to the car, Alex was relieved when Laf put on the radio. It distracted him from the anxious feelings building in his mind and chest.

When they pulled up to the house and the music stopped, Alex’s stomach dropped out. He felt weighted down; rooted to the spot. In there, there were unwanted feelings and anxiety. In the car there was silence and calm. He wished he could just stay there forever.

Herc opened the car door for him, and Alex looked up into his friend’s smiling face nervously. Herc saw the anxiety apparent in his friend’s eyes and bent down to his level.

“You okay, bud?” he asked gently. Alex shrugged, glancing off to the side. Herc patted his shoulder. “I think Eliza’s here already!”

Alex smiled. Eliza was there. Herc and Laf were there. He could get through this. After a moment, he nodded, getting out of the car and following his friends to the unfamiliar front door.

“This is weird,” Herc chuckled, looking up at the house. “I can’t believe we’re actually going to hang out at  _ Burr’s  _ house.”

Laf smiled, taking his boyfriend’s hand. “It’s nice,” he said. “Maybe we can put all the unpleasantness behind us.”

Herc smiled at him, his eyes going soft. He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s lips. When they pulled back, Laf was slightly flushed, looking at his soulmate with a doe-eyed expression on his face.

Alex felt a stab of jealousy as his friends stared at each other lovingly. He bit his lip. He longed to be with Thomas; to be able to look at him the way Laf and Herc looked at each other without the complicated mess they had both created.

Herc rang the doorbell, and soon John opened the door, his freckled face lighting up with a grin as he laid eyes on his friends.

“Hey guys!” he greeted them, swinging the door wide to let them in. Laf and Herc entered first, greeting their friend before walking through the house to find the source of the music. Alex tried to follow, but John grabbed his wrist to hold him back.

“Alex. Thank you for coming,” he said sincerely. Alex nodded back, his gaze flickering to John’s eyes then away again. John still held tight. “Really. It means a lot to me.”

Alex smiled. “Sure,” he said softly. John released his hand and led him through to the living room. 

When he entered, his heart stopped. Apparently, he had misunderstood the plans. It was not, as he expected, a get together for their small group and Eliza, but in fact a mergence of their group and Burr’s.

Thomas and James were sitting on the couch, the latter looking uncomfortable in his surroundings, and the former staring down at his hands, apparently deep in thought. As John and Alex approached, however, Thomas looked up.

Alex immediately locked eyes with his soulmate and felt his heartbeat begin to pound in his ears. He glanced to Herc, who was watching him with concern. Laf, too, was looking extremely worried. Apparently, no one else in the room seemed to be any the wiser.

Feeling his throat constrict, Alex quickly crossed the room to sit next to Eliza, who smiled at him warmly. He tried to return it, but was sure he’d only grimaced. She took his hand gently, apparently sensing his discomfort.

Alex watched as John sat next to Aaron and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, kissing his cheek. Aaron smiled shyly and nestled a little closer to his boyfriend. Alex felt hot rage flare inside his stomach. He glared at John venomously before dropping his gaze to the floor. He heard his blood rushing loudly in his ears, drowning out the sounds of the light conversation filling the room.

“Anyone want something to drink?” John asked after about ten minutes of chatter. As people shouted out various types of pop, John grinned, turning around to head into the kitchen.

“Want some help?” Aaron asked, standing to follow.

“I’ll help,” Alex cut in suddenly, getting to his feet. He stared at John’s soulmate steadily; warningly. Aaron sat down awkwardly as his boyfriend was followed into the kitchen by Alex. Confused stares followed them as they left the room.

“Thanks,” John smiled at Alex as he began to pour the drinks. As he watched his ex-boyfriend busy himself, Alex felt his blood boil.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Alex demanded in a low, angry voice.

John’s face slackened with shock. He placed the pop bottle back on the counter and turned to face Alex fully. When he spoke, his voice was surprisingly calm. “What are you talking about?”

“You! Inviting us all here like we could just be friends!” Alex said hotly.

“Oh, well, I just thought that… you know, since you’re with Thomas, and I’m with Aaron, I figured it was time for us to –”

“John. Thomas and I broke up. You know that,” Alex said, his own choked words stabbing at his heart like knives.

John’s eyes widened. “Alex, I swear I didn’t. I promise you.”

“Fuck, John,” Alex said, pretending not to hear him. “I thought we were gonna move past all this bullshit, but this is low. You acting all lovey with Aaron… are you just trying to make me jealous? Rub it in my face that I’m alone and you’re not?”

“Woah, wait, no,” John said, holding up his hands defensively. “Slow down, Alex.”

Alex began to feel his anger turn into panic as his heart started to throb, his stomach twisting. “I – John, you’re just trying to…” he began to lose coherence as his head spun.

“Woah, Alex, please,” John said softly, placing a hand on his ex’s shoulder. “Breathe.”

“Don’t touch me!” Alex snapped, shrugging his shoulder away, his breaths coming shorter and shorter. He backed away from his ex toward the side door. He stumbled out into the late October weather, watching his breath puff into the air as he struggled to retain a normal breathing pattern.

He slumped against the brick wall, putting his head in his hands. He needed someone to help him. Someone. He found a pen in his pocket, but knew he couldn’t bother Thomas after all they’d been through. After all Alex had put him through.

The thought of Thomas caused his breath to come in even shorter gasps, and he wound his fingers into his hair. He was sick of this. He was sick of these constant panic attacks, coming more frequently in the past two weeks than ever before in his life.

He ground his teeth together, trying to keep in the sob that was rising in his throat. His ears were filled with the sound of his pulse; his chest was weighted heavily…

“Alex…”

He looked up to see Thomas crouching beside him. Alex felt more anxiety overwhelm him. As much as he wanted to be with Thomas, he couldn’t put him through any more.

“Alex, I’m so sorry,” Thomas muttered, placing an arm around him.

Unthinkingly, Alex clung to his soulmate, burying his face in his chest. He needed this. He needed Thomas.

They remained that way for some time, and Alex slowly calmed down, relaxing immensely in his soulmate’s arms. When his breathing was finally coming naturally, Thomas leaned back a bit to appraise Alex, wiping away the tears he had let fall once wrapped in an embrace.

“I love you,” Thomas muttered softly, placing a kiss on Alex’s forehead.

Alex smiled before a slight frown tugged at his mouth. “Thomas…”

“No, Alex… I’m so sorry. I was being selfish. If you need us to be together, I can do that for you… I can work on myself while we’re together. I just… I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Thomas, I…”

“I understand if you don’t want me back, now,” Thomas said sincerely, looking downward.

“No, that’s not what I was going to say,” Alex muttered back softly, touching his soulmate’s face.

“I’m sorry.”

“No… I think you were right. Before. I want to be with you with every fibre of my being, but… I hurt you too. I don’t even know how to take care of myself, let alone be in a relationship with someone. Thomas, I love you. And I’ve said stupid things and I’ve lashed out…”

“That’s okay,” Thomas cut in, squeezing Alex’s hand reassuringly.

“No,” Alex said firmly. “It’s not. I need to figure shit out… I think it’s best for us to be alone for now.”

“Alex… I know I said that. But if you don’t want to…”

“I  _ don’t  _ want to,” Alex sighed. “I need to. For us.”

“Okay,” Thomas nodded, releasing Alex’s hand.

Alex looked up at him, his heart straining under the weight of all the emotion he felt toward this boy. He leaned up and placed his lips gently on Thomas’, winding his fingers into his soulmate’s hair. The kiss laste a long minute; emotions seeming to pass wordlessly between them as their lips moved together. Love. Hurt. Desperation. They were both reluctant to break away, Thomas giving his soulmate a dazed look.

“Sorry,” Alex muttered, blushing in the aftermath of the heated kiss. “I guess… I just need you to know that I love you, okay?”

Thomas smiled. “I love you too.”

Alex got to his feet and began to walk away from Aaron’s house, unsure where exactly he was headed, but knowing he didn’t want to turn back. At the end of the driveway, he turned around to look back at Thomas. They gave each other a small smile before Alex turned his back and continued walking. 


	22. Alone

As soon as Alex left Aaron’s property, he felt a cold weight drop into his stomach. His brain screamed at him to turn around; to go back to his soulmate. Thomas was willing to work things out now; why would he prolong their separation?

He half-turned back, but steeled himself. This was the right decision. It had to be. He let his feet take him wherever they would, not wanting to go back home, not wanting to go back to the party. For once in his life, he thought that maybe being alone would be best.

He wandered down John’s familiar street, trying to tamp down the rising panic. Alone was good. He could make it good.

As Alex walked, he began to shiver in the late October air. Halloween was just three days away. A small smile lit up his face as he remembered Eliza’s chocolate. Eliza. He’d left her at the party. She would probably be worried.

He shook his head to clear those thoughts. Eliza would understand. If anyone would understand, it was her. Alex shuddered as a chilly breeze rattled his thin frame. He hugged his arms around himself and was surprised to find how skinny he’d gotten.

He had barely eaten in the last two weeks, and it was definitely taking its toll. He shuffled his feet, allowing friction to heat his legs as he approached Nicholas Park. His eyes fell on his and Thomas’ bench, and an odd flood of emotions rushed through him. He wished everything about their relationship could have been different.

He wished Thomas hadn’t bullied him. He wished their meeting had been that perfect movie moment he’d imagined. Even if their dynamic had been the same, he at least wished he hadn’t been so in love with him.

His throat tight, Alex sat down heavily on the familiar bench. He took deep breaths, rubbing his hands up and down his shaking legs. A brisk wind shook him, and his breath came out in a puff before his eyes. As he watched the moisture dissipate, he saw a flash of white go past. And another. He stared up at the sky and watched as snow began to fill the air, being thrown and pulled by the wicked wind.

As promised, this Friday was a snowy day. Alex smiled slightly to himself, remembering Laf’s poorly typed warning of this weather in their group-chat. It felt like forever ago. He and John had still been together… but not for long. Alex’s chest tightened. Dating John was a mistake. He knew that now. He did still have feelings for John, but it was best that they were apart; neither of them knew how to be more than friends with each other... he hoped they could at least be that again.

Thomas on the other hand didn’t know how to be his friend. Only how to be his tormenter or his soulmate. Unfortunately, both these roles had had an equally large impact on Alex’s life thus far.

No. That couldn’t be true. T had been a bigger part of his life than Thomas. He’d always been around. Since he was seven, they’d spoken every day. Every panic attack had been stopped or ameliorated by T’s doodles. When his mother died, the only person he could depend on was T. When he was flying across the vast ocean, heading toward a cold, unforgiving country full of strangers, T reminded him that he wasn’t alone. That the world wasn’t ending. T did that. No. Thomas did that. Thomas. They weren’t different people.

Alex curled his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them, glad that the snow was driving people indoors and he wasn’t surrounded by watchful eyes. He remembered his first night in New York. He wasn’t able to sleep in the bedroom his adoptive father had lovingly set up for him; he slept in George’s bed, needing the comfort. He lay there awake that night though, tears coursing down his face, and Thomas had written to him. He’d written a poem, reminding him that he was loved and that he wasn’t alone. Alex recalled he’d rhymed “at home” with “alone.” Alex’s tears had stopped as he read it, and he’d even been brought to a laugh at the awful writing. Alluding to their first exchange, Alex had written back,  _ That was a terrible poem. But thank you. _

Alex smiled now at the memory. Thomas was the one person that could always bring him out of sadness. The one thing that always made him happy. He remembered one day in freshman year he’d written to Thomas in a panic; he couldn’t recall exactly what his mother looked like or sounded like. He’d spiralled completely. Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. He’d tried his best to explain it to his soulmate, and Thomas had calmed him down to coherence before writing kindly,  _ You’ll always remember how she made you feel. And that’s all that matters. _

Presently, Alex felt tears sting his eyes at the memory. Thomas always reminded him of the simple things he tended to forget. That he was human; he made mistakes. That his anxiety and depression didn’t define him. That he was strong.

Immediately, terrible memories of Thomas’ bullying bubbled up in his mind. Taunts about his mother.  _ Wouldn’t want to disappoint mommy… Play nicely, don’t want mommy getting upset… Not getting enough love from mommy? _

Where did that come from? Alex’s stomach twisted into knots. Why would Thomas, knowing fully the consequences a person could feel from losing a parent, taunt him about his dead mother? Was he just that angry? Was he a bad person?

No. Thomas was good. He had to be good.

Alex squeezed his knees tighter, feeling hot, wet, warmth seep into his jeans as tears leaked out of his eyes. He felt pricks on his skin as flakes of snow hit him.  He shivered as his brain hurled more anxious thoughts at him. 

Was Thomas good? Or did Alex make him good?

Worse, did Alex make him bad? They never talked about Thomas’ feelings, only Alex’s own. Maybe the repression, the constant need to support Alex, the guilt he must have felt for being a bully… all his fault. Alex’s throat began to constrict as he felt the weight of his responsibility pile up, compressing his heart, causing his vision to blur.

He needed someone. Anyone. He couldn’t handle this alone. He never could.

Maybe that was the problem.

Alex’s panic washed over him, paralysing him, causing his breath to catch. He couldn’t do this. He needed Thomas, or Herc, or Laf…

He needed his mother. It always came down to his mother. He longed for her whispered words in French, the gentle stroking of his long, dark hair. She never wanted him to cut it, so he never did…

Alex’s body began to shake, his vision becoming darker as he gasped for breath. He needed to get through this. Alone.

What would his mother say? He’d long lost the ability to imagine exactly how she’d help him. She’d blurred with Laf in that respect… he acted just like his mother. What would Laf say to calm him down?

_ Tu es fort, mon petit lion…  _ Alex could almost hear his friend’s voice in his head.  _ Tu peut continuer. Tu dois continuer. ** _

Alex was still shaking, unable to move or speak in his panic-stricken state. Laf was wrong, he couldn’t continue… He wasn’t a lion. He was a mouse. A quivering, scampering, weak little creature. Unable to fend for himself. Unable to continue.

_ Respirez. *** _

Not Laf. His mother. Her voice, though a distant memory, came sharply through the depths of his panicked mind, filling his ears, his heart…

Alex gasped, icy air stinging his lungs. His vision cleared slightly as oxygen re-entered his brain. Panic was still holding him down, but he was breathing. He could see the snowflakes that were clinging to his jeans. Could feel the cold burn his skin, sting his wet eyes.

Desperate to retain control, Alex conjured up the image of the night sky from the shores of Nevis, laying on the beach with his mother, looking at the brilliant stars. When the panic didn’t subside, Alex tried desperately to think of something else from home.

But when he thought of home he didn’t think of the stars themselves.

An inky masterpiece drawn onto his skin. The beautifully crafted pricks of light in a dark backdrop, the Sharpie marker bleeding slightly into the lines on his skin. Covering the scars. The tightness around his heart began to lessen, and Alex continued the line of thought.

Being held in Thomas’ arms. His soulmate’s deep, dark eyes… more tortured but kinder than he’d ever realized before. The way their bodies fit together. The warmth of their lips on one another’s.

Alex’s body began to relax. While still shivering from the cold, he now had full mobility. The anxiety was leaving his body, his heart returning to a normal rhythm, his breaths coming at regular intervals…

He was tired. Exhausted. His limbs felt heavy and his mind was chugging slowly. But he’d made it through. For the first time. Alone.

* * *

 

Thomas watched Alex leave with a heavy heart. He wanted to chase after him, stop him from leaving, gather him into a warm, tight hug, and say that everything would be okay. That he could be enough. That he could be there for him. 

Once Alex had disappeared, Thomas couldn’t bring himself to rejoin the festivities in Aaron’s house. They would all be asking about Alex; blaming Thomas for anything that might have happened.

He didn’t know where he wanted to go. He just wanted some time to think. So he walked. Away from the party. Away from the people who hated him. Away from James who was still stung by Thomas’ apparent betrayal. Away from Hercules and Lafayette who hated him for what he’d done to Alex. Everything he’d done.

All he wanted was to be with Alex. That’s all he’d ever wanted since he’d first read that poem when he was seven. No. Not  _ all  _ he’d ever wanted. He’d wanted a lot of things, but he always thought of Alex as the culmination of all of them.

He wanted Alex to be happy. He thought that could make him happy. Maybe.

He’d made him happy before. Before they’d known each other in real life. He’d always been able to help Alex through his anxiety attacks. Every time  _ SOS  _ showed up on his arm, he’d felt as though his heart had been plunged into a bucket of ice water. He never wanted his soulmate to be sad or anxious or alone… He’d always dreamed of the day he could hold A in his arms.

He had been fairly sure from a young age that his soulmate would be a boy. He’d mentioned this to his parents once and they’d quickly corrected him, saying that A was a girl. Or should be. He’d asked why it had to be a girl, and they’d only replied that that was the way normal soulmate relationships worked.

This confused him, as he’d seen same-sex couples hand-in-hand before, matching markings on their skin… But his parents told him that those people were unusual. That wasn’t the way it should work.

Thomas felt anger bubble up at the thought. They’d made him doubt himself so many times, in so many different ways. He’d echoed their sentiments at school, repressing his fear that someone would see who he truly was… 

Being friends with James had only exacerbated this self-loathing repression; they’d relentlessly insulted the very sort of person Thomas was. The thought now made him sick. But did James really mean it? He and James were barely talking now; having been only forced together at school and John’s party for awkward silences and uncomfortable glances away. These probably had less to do with the fact that Thomas was gay and more to do with the discovery of the untruthful foundation of their friendship. Thomas gnawed on his bottom lip. He shouldn’t blame James. He should blame himself. Or his own parents. They’d fucked him up in so many ways.

When A told him that his mother had died, he didn’t understand the turmoil his soulmate was going through. Didn’t know how to comfort him. All he knew was that out there somewhere, his soulmate was suffering; having moved to a new place, all alone.

He’d tried to put himself in his soulmate’s shoes. How would he feel if his own mother died? He tried to conjure up an emotion, but he felt blank. He didn’t know how he’d feel. Sad, surely. But relieved? Tamping that train of thought, Thomas had then shifted focus. How would he feel if Althea died or left? He’d be devastated. The one person he was sure loved him would be gone. He’d be completely alone. With this thought in mind, he realized he could at least try to remind his soulmate that he wasn’t alone. So he’d written a poem. It hadn’t felt good enough, or worthy of A’s eyes, but once he’d written it, he couldn’t take it back… He’d been so happy when his soulmate had written back a lighthearted response. He’d helped. He’d made A feel maybe just a tiny bit better.

In hopes of always making A happier, he never felt comfortable airing his own grievances. He pushed down his troubles, tried to ignore the anger and anxiety that was building up. He needed to be there for A.

Thomas’ mind wandered back where it had gone so often in the past two weeks. He’d repressed his anger for A, and taken it out on Alex. He let out a dark and humourless laugh to himself, a sick feeling gnawing at his insides. He barely noticed; it had been his default sensation since he’d discovered Alex was his soulmate.

He remembered the moment it happened, when he finally saw Alex’s bare arms, scarred and marked with identical writings. Unthinkingly, he’d pulled Alex into his arms, the moment he’d been dreaming of for years. And Alex had left. Of course he had. He’d disappeared in a rage, unable to even look at him.

That had been Thomas’ first of many breaking points. As much as he’d been able to push away the unpleasant feelings of bullying others, now he’d seen the true effect it had. He’d only ever wanted A to be happy, and it turned out he’d only caused him more pain.

The silence was crushing. In it, he could think of all the times he’d hurt Alex. The times he’d tormented him, allowing his anger to get the best of him. He’d said things he didn’t mean, things he didn’t even remember because he’d blocked them out or had been too immersed in his rage.

Thomas felt the sick twisting intensify. All the times he’d said horrible things about Alex’s mother. He’d felt awful about them, understanding the pain his soulmate went off through in the same situation. But he’d said them anyway. He wasn’t entirely sure why, but he knew he’d wanted someone else to hurt like his parents had made him hurt.

He remembered one time when A had written to him in a panic, saying that he’d forgotten his mother’s face. Forgotten her voice. He could only imagine what that must be like, not having a mother who cared for him the same way A’s had done.

He tried to picture forgetting his mother’s face and voice… even if he didn’t remember her, he would still remember the way she’d made him doubt himself, compete with others, hide his emotions… So he told A that he could always remember the way his mother made him feel. Because he knew he would never forget the way his mother made  _ him  _ feel. Alone. Unusual. Angry. So angry.

Presently, Thomas bit his lip, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. He wished for so many things. He wished he hadn’t let his parents change who he was. He wished he could just make Alex happy. That was what he deserved.

A fleck of white passed by his face and he looked upward to see the sky filling with snowflakes, swirling in the cold breeze. He smiled. He loved the cold.

Alex didn’t. Immediately Thomas worried about his soulmate. Did he go home? Was he still outside? He knew he shouldn’t be worried about him; they were on a break. Alex needed space. But he couldn’t help but worry.

Thomas felt the silence compressing him again, wringing him out. He didn’t want to be on a break. He wanted Alex to forgive him. He knew it wasn’t that simple; knew he’d fucked up his soulmate’s life beyond repair.

Maybe they would never be together. Maybe Alex would realize that being apart was the best thing. That Thomas was cruel and mean and undeserving. That he could do better than Thomas.

Thomas hated the silence that allowed these thoughts to form. He searched through his pockets to find his headphones and finally pulled them out, plugging them into his phone and into his ears, blasting music to quiet the racket in his mind.

After a few minutes of aimless walking, he realized he was approaching Nicholas Park. He gnawed on his bottom lip nervously but continued forward, the music in his ears fading to the background as his thoughts resurfaced.

The place that held so much hope and so much despair. The place where he and Alex had made progress, had shared angry words… As he approached, he looked for the bench where they’d sat together. When he saw it, his blood ran cold.

Alex was sitting there, his knees curled up to his chest, his head buried in them. Thomas immediately felt tears well up in his eyes. Thomas wasn’t someone who let himself cry, but seeing his soulmate crushed broke his heart in a million places. It was his fault; it had to be his fault.

He considered approaching, cuddling Alex, trying to calm him down, but he knew he would just make it worse when he inevitably had to leave. He couldn’t keep doing this to Alex; showing up and then disappearing. They were on a break. Alex probably didn’t want him around anyway.

His lips curling inward to contain a sob, Thomas turned on his heel and left. After a moment, he broke into a run, dashing toward his house. When he burst through the front door, he didn’t bother to take off his shoes, but left wet footprints all the way up the stairs, stomping them loudly as he’d never done before.

He slammed his bedroom door and collapsed on his pillowed bed. The tears he’d been holding back for weeks, months, years suddenly poured forth, coating his face and causing his nose to run. He curled into a ball, letting his emotions seep out of him, for once not in the form of insults or violence.

He felt utterly helpless; needing to be there for Alex but also wanting him to be safe and happy. And Thomas couldn’t give him that.

For now, he had to be alone.

* * *

 

It was a horrible weekend. Thomas spent most of it holed up in his bedroom, ignoring the sporadic lectures his parents would give him; chewing him out for being lazy. He ached for Alex; wanting only to be with him and make sure he was okay. He’d been too nervous to draw anything on his arm, and he knew Alex needed his space.

On Monday, Halloween, Thomas got dressed slowly. He took care in choosing each piece of clothing, in fixing his hair, in washing his face. He waited until he heard his parents leave to go downstairs, grabbing something quick for breakfast and leaving quietly, dragging his feet as he walked to school.

He’d avoided James’ and Aaron’s texts all weekend, ignored all social media, trying to embrace the silence as much as he could. The result was mostly tears. It seemed as though once the floodgates opened there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He arrived at school just in time for first period, slipping into his seat as the bell rang. The morning crawled by, Thomas barely paying attention to his teachers’ words; still trapped in his own mind.

When it was finally lunch time, Thomas wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He elected to eat in an empty classroom, not wanting to run into anyone. He shuffled his feet as he followed the familiar path to the debate room, praying that it would be empty.

He was struck with fear, however, when he saw Alex’s face in the crowd, bobbing toward him. Not wanting to have an awkward exchange, Thomas turned on his heel and walked the other way, slipping into a disused classroom. He leaned his back against the wall, closing his eyes. He slipped down to the ground, burying his face in his hands.

His head snapped up in shock as the door opened. Alex slipped through the small opening he had created and he quickly shut the door behind him. Thomas got to his feet hastily, unsure what to say.

Alex looked up at him, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Alex…” Thomas muttered, dropping his gaze to study the tiled floor.

“Wait,” Alex said quietly. “Before you say anything, I just want to say I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Thomas inquired in genuine surprise, his head flicking back up.

“I’m… I know I’ve been so selfish. We never talked about you… you were always there for me…”

“No I wasn’t,” Thomas interjected, taking a step forward.

“No, you were. And even when you were saying those awful things… I… I know you didn’t mean it,” Alex mumbled, biting his lip. “And I’m so sorry, I never let you talk to me about shit that was going on in your life…”

“Alex. Don’t blame yourself. Please,” Thomas begged, leaning further forward. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault…”

“Don’t say that, Thomas, I’m not blameless,” Alex asserted at a louder volume. “Please. I know what I’ve done. I know I’ve taken... so much. From you. From my friends. I just… I can be here for you, too, you know. You don’t need to deal with all your shit on your own.”

“…You’ve got your own stuff to handle…” Thomas protested weakly.

“I know,” Alex nodded. “And… I know that I can take care of myself, now, too. Just… I think you’ve handled enough shit on your own. It’s time that you have someone help  _ you _ .”

Thomas’ eyes filled with tears as he gazed at his soulmate. Alex’s eyes were full of sincerity; of genuine repentance and sympathy and… forgiveness.

“Alex… are you sure?” Thomas asked, not daring to hope that this could actually be true.

Alex’s warm hand was suddenly in his own. He bit his lip to stop the tears from falling and took his soulmate’s other hand. Alex stood on his tiptoes, wrapping his arms around Thomas tightly. He melted into the embrace, bringing his hand up to stroke his fingers through his soulmate’s hair, letting his tears fall fast and free down his face.

Alex pulled back and gave him a small smile, standing up on his tiptoes to place his warm lips on Thomas’. Thomas’ heart swelled with the feeling, and he cupped his soulmate’s face, giving in completely to the kiss.

For once, finally, they wouldn’t be alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Translation: You are strong, my little lion. You can go on. You have to go on.  
> *** Translation: Breathe.


	23. Yours

“Where’s Alex?” John asked curiously, looking over his shoulder at the school from his cross-legged position on the picnic tabletop.

“Dunno,” Herc replied, taking a bite of his sandwich and shrugging.

“We talked this weekend… he seemed fairly distant,” Laf supplied with a concerned look, daintily picking at his food.

“Where did he go after he left the party?” Aaron asked in a quiet voice, still feeling like an intruder in his boyfriend’s friend group.

Laf’s face darkened. “He ran off again…” he shot a pointed look at Herc.

“Hey, I didn’t help him run away this time,” he defended himself, throwing a sheepish smile at his soulmate.

“Fine,” Laf said airily. “But he still did… he said he needed space.”

“I get that,” Herc nodded. “No offense, babe, but you can be kind of overbearing.”

“How was that  _ not  _ supposed to offend me?” Laf demanded, incensed.

“It was a joke!” Herc cried, throwing his hands up in front of his face. “I swear!”

Laf rolled his eyes, putting an arm around his boyfriend. “But you are right,” he sighed. “I know I can overwhelm him…”

“Are you kidding? You’re the best with him,” Herc said sincerely, his eyes going soft as he gazed at his soulmate. “We’d be hopeless without you.”

“Thomas is good with him,” Aaron interjected softly.

The three other boys stared at him in surprise. His cheeks darkened under their gaze.

“I mean… not all the shit before… but like, as a soulmate, he’s good,” Aaron stammered out. John reached down to take his soulmate’s hand reassuringly.

“What makes you think that?” Laf asked seriously, leaning forward.

“Well, um… at the party. You know I went into the kitchen to calm- to talk to John after Alex left, and… I saw them out the window. Thomas can calm him down like  _ that _ ,” Aaron snapped his fingers for emphasis, still flushed under the intense stares from the others.

“Huh,” Herc huffed thoughtfully, leaning back. “With the drawings, too.”

Aaron nodded vigorously, glad that no one seemed angry at his assessment.

“I don’t know… he treated Alex like shit for so long,” John said with a hint of bitterness, his brow furrowing. Aaron looked at him pensively for a moment before shrugging.

“Thomas has more shit going on than you guys realize,” he said calmly, but certainly. There was no longer an apology in his voice.

“Uh, yeah,” Herc nodded. “He does. I’ve been to his house.”

“You did not tell me anything about it!” Laf gasped in an accusatory voice, his eyes wide.

“It seemed… personal.” Herc shrugged.

“It is,” Aaron nodded. Herc shot him a small smile, which Aaron gratefully returned.

Suddenly Laf’s eyes fixated on a point near the school, his mouth popping open comically. All the boys turned to follow his gaze and saw Thomas and Alex walking toward them, hand-in-hand. Alex’s face looked open, a bright smile painted across it. Thomas’ happiness was a bit more subdued, but the apples of his cheeks were made more prominent by his shy smile.

“Holy shit,” Herc breathed, breaking out into a wide grin as he watched them approach. Laf’s face was still frozen in shock.

“Hey guys,” Alex greeted bashfully as they approached the picnic table. His eyes flicked to John’s, becoming darker with nerves, but the freckled boy smiled lightly. Alex grinned back, his tension releasing.

“Congrats on getting your shit together!” Herc cried happily, standing and hugging Alex, giving him an affectionate noogie. After Alex’s muffled protests had subsided, Herc looked at Thomas.

Thomas glanced back at him worriedly, seeming to ask for forgiveness with his eyes. Herc shot him a smile and punched his shoulder.

“Y’all wanna sit?” John asked brightly, gesturing to the emptiness on the bench next to Aaron.

Thomas nodded gratefully and sat himself next to Aaron, who clapped him on the back, smiling. Once seated, Thomas put his arm around Alex, who happily leaned into his side.

“So what happened?” Herc asked, sitting next to Laf again and absent-mindedly putting an arm around him.

Alex laughed, shaking his head, and Thomas gave Herc a half-smile. “Too much to explain,” he said simply, and Alex nodded his assent.

Laf shot them a wary look, but smiled as lightly as he could.

“Um…” Thomas began awkwardly, his tone suddenly turning serious. “I really have to apolo–”

“Don’t worry,” Herc cut him off swiftly. “We’re good.”

Alex, Thomas, and Laf all stared at Herc in shock. “Really?” Alex asked, his eyes wide.

“Fresh start,” Herc nodded with a sincere smile. Laf’s severe expression thawed slightly as he looked up at his soulmate, and after a moment, he nodded in agreement.

“Fresh start,” he agreed, meeting Thomas’ eyes now. The boy smiled back gratefully.

“So are we all going to debate club tonight?” John asked, and the boys all relaxed into an easy conversation at the expense of Mr. Adams.

Before long, the bell was ringing, signalling them to go to class. Alex stood up with Thomas but whispered something in his ear, giving him a quick kiss before dawdling behind at the picnic table.

As everyone packed up their things to go to class, Alex held John’s arm to keep him back. John nodded at him and remained with Alex while the others left. Aaron shot a worried glance at them before going, but left without protest.

“John, I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” Alex said sincerely. “I was way out of line… so many times… and I –”

“Alex,” John cut him off swiftly. “You have nothing to apologize for. Seriously. I was a terrible boyfriend to you. I’m so sorry.”

“No, you weren’t… it was just the wrong time,” Alex said. “In another universe…”

“… Maybe I wouldn’t have been a piece of shit, yeah,” John smiled sheepishly.

“Maybe,” Alex laughed.

“Can we please be friends again?” John asked nervously after a moment.

Alex grinned and pulled John into a hug. “Of course.”

* * *

 

Alex couldn’t pay attention in class. His arm was filling up with doodles. Stars, hearts, spaceships… He couldn’t seem to wipe the grin off his face.

“Something funny, Mr. Hamilton?” Mr. Adams asked, glaring at the boy.

Alex hurriedly tried to rearrange his face into a neutral expression. “No sir,” he muttered. He didn’t want to piss his teacher off in class before debate club that night.

While Mr. Adams went back to droning on about the constitution, Alex continued to gaze happily at his arm. Suddenly, amongst the pretty little doodles, a note appeared.

_ I never took you on that date. _

Alex bit his top lip to keep from smiling too widely. He picked up his pen and scrawled back,  _ You never did. _

_ Tomorrow? So you can get dressed :) _

Alex tried to think of a witty response, but his brain was clouded with happiness.  _ Sure _ , he wrote, and, for good measure, he added a heart next to it.

Thomas went back to scribbling, and Alex grinned despite himself.

Last period, the teacher was away, so he was forced into study hall. Luckily, he spotted Thomas, Maria, and Eliza across the cafeteria. He went over to their table, shocked that they were actually talking to each other.

“Hey,” he smiled, sliding into the seat beside Thomas. Thomas wrapped his arm around his waist gently, his hand resting on Alex’s bony hip. 

Eliza grinned. “Happy halloween,” she giggled. She and Maria were wearing similar outfits; Eliza’s was green, Maria’s pink. 

“What’re your costumes?” Alex laughed, pointing. 

“We’re two of the Powerpuff girls,” Maria grinned. “We’re taking Peggy out trick-or-treating tonight. She’s Bubbles.”

“Why isn’t Angelica Blossom?”

“Are you kidding?” Maria deadpanned. “Can you actually imagine Angelica wearing a costume?”

“Fair point,” Thomas laughed, taking Alex’s hand under the table. He turned to his soulmate, his voice lowering. “Can we talk for a second?”

“Sure,” Alex said easily, and they left study hall, staggering their excuses so as not to arouse suspicion. Once they were both out in the hall, they set off immediately for the custodial closet. Once up in the fresh air, Thomas hugged Alex close. The small teen melted into the embrace; unsure of its reason, but happy for its existence.

“What’s up?” Alex asked once they’d pulled apart. He led his soulmate by the hand to sit down on the vent that was quickly becoming theirs.

“I just owe you an explanation,” Thomas said carefully. 

“No, we’re fine -” Alex began, but Thomas held up a hand. 

“Please, let me explain.” Alex nodded, staring at his soulmate with wide eyes. Thomas took a deep breath. “I lied to my parents. Told them a story where I was a little bit more sympathetic.”

“Right,” Alex breathed, remembering Thomas’ rushed lie. 

“I told them that we’d… known. About being soulmates. For a long time. I told them that I’d just kept it from them because they wouldn’t approve.”

“Why?” Alex asked. “Why didn’t you just tell the truth?”

“They don’t like… weakness. They don’t like people that… ‘let’ themselves be bullied,” Thomas scowled. “I wanted to protect you. If they knew what our history actually was, they’d… be awful to you.”

“Oh,” Alex breathed. He remembered their first confrontation in the park; Thomas saying that he hadn’t known how weak he was. Alex nodded. “That… makes sense, I guess.”

“I’m gonna keep them away from you, okay?” Thomas said gently. “I’m not gonna let them anywhere near you.”

“I don’t really want them near you, either,” Alex said honestly, anger behind his words. 

Thomas laughed darkly, wrapping his arms around his smaller soulmate and pressing his lips to Alex’s head. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“I can take care of you, too,” Alex asserted firmly, jaw set. With a grin, Thomas leaned in, kissing his soulmate fiercely. 

“I love you,” Thomas smiled. 

“I love you too,” he replied, returning the smile. 

 

* * *

 

 

After school, they all gathered around the debate room again. Alex next to Thomas, their hands grazing, Herc and Laf hand-in-hand, and John’s arm around Aaron. Others began to join their small crowd, gaping at the coupled off boys unabashedly. James stood far away from their group, stealing uncomfortable - and ultimately unnoticed - glances in their direction.

Once Mr. Adams had bustled through to open the door, they all ushered inside. Once they were in, though, Alex’s happiness began to wash away, replaced by anxiety. What would their topic be? Would Thomas and he be divided again?

Alex tried to take steadying breaths as his heart pounded. He took a seat on top of one of the desks and stared down at his arm, trying to calm himself. Suddenly he felt a gentle hand brush over his own and entwine their fingers. He looked up into his soulmate’s face and gave him a genuine smile. It would be okay.

“You two!” an angry voice said loudly. Thomas and Alex looked up nervously to see Angelica charging toward them.

“Hi, Ange,” Thomas said smoothly, smiling.

“This bullshit here,” she said, flicking her pointed finger back and forth between the two of them. “Better not mess up debate club. You already missed last week. But us three are the best debaters; don’t go picking the same side because you’re together now!”

“We’ll pick what we believe in,” Alex said with a shrug. He glanced at Thomas for confirmation, who nodded.

“Don’t worry, Ange, the arguments will still be as heated, I’m sure,” Thomas grinned.

Her eyes narrowed, and both boys felt terror strike their hearts. “Fine,” she huffed. “But you’d better mean that.”

She stalked away angrily before Thomas and Alex turned to each other.

“It’ll be heated?” Alex repeated questioningly, quirking an eyebrow.

“I guess it’ll have to be,” Thomas laughed. “Let’s just hope our opinions line up more now that we don’t pick opposite sides out of spite.”

“…The number of times I picked the side I disagreed with because  _ you  _ were on the other…” Alex muttered with a small smirk. Thomas smiled, a hint of sadness in his eyes, and kissed Alex’s temple gently.

“Okay, listen up everyone! The issue we’re discussing today is a school issue…”

A collective groan filled the classroom, but Mr. Adams ploughed on, seemingly ignorant of the dissent.

“… We are considering gender-neutral bathrooms in the school. What is your take on it? Pro- to the left, anti- to the right,” he continued in a bored voice.

Alex and Thomas both sighed in relief, crossing to the left of the room without hesitation.

* * *

 

“You got lucky this time,” Angelica said with a hint of a smile. Alex gave an inward sigh of relief as Thomas came up behind him, wrapping a tentative arm around his waist. Alex happily leaned into the touch, the tension he didn’t know he had releasing from his muscles.

“You know, Ange, we actually don’t need your permission,” Thomas smiled mischievously.

“Ha,” Angelica grinned. “You’re funny.”

She gave them a small, mocking wave, and left the boys in the debate room.

“So… we have our date tomorrow,” Thomas said, their entwined hands swinging between them. 

Alex grinned. “We do. Where do you want to go?”

“Can I surprise you?” Thomas asked. “If you’d rather not, that’s fine.”

“No, I trust you,” Alex shrugged. “Just don’t pick something stupid.”

“Oh, well, with iron-clad restrictions like that…” Thomas joked, and Alex nudged him teasingly. They walked hand-in-hand for a few minutes, wandering aimlessly around the neighbourhood. 

Thomas glanced down at his boyfriend after a few minutes, and saw he had a pensive look on his face. Not sad or worried, just thoughtful. 

Thomas felt worry clench him. “Are you happy?” he asked. 

Alex shook himself out his reverie, looking up into his soulmate’s eyes. A genuine smile lit up his face. “I was thinking about home… This… feels like it.”

“What, the cold weather?” Thomas laughed. 

Alex shook his head gently. He lifted their entwined hands. “This,” he said softly.

Thomas couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as they walked on. 


	24. Good

Halloween night found Thomas alone in his house, waiting by the door with a bowl of candy next to him. He read his book boredly, his eyes skimming over paragraphs he’d have to go back and re-read. It was a book that James had suggested for him ages ago; he wanted to get back in his former best friend’s good books, so to speak. 

The doorbell rang and he set his book aside, smiling lightly. He opened the door and oohed at all the costumes, making sure to give out lots of candy to each of them. When they left, he sat back down and cracked open his book again, doing his best to find something enjoyable about the text. 

It was almost a relief when his phone rang. He answered it without looking at was calling, answering with a casual, “Hello?”

“Thomas -” it was Althea. Her voice sounded choked. 

“Althea, what’s wrong?” he asked. She was supposed to be out trick-or-treating with her kids that night. 

“Your… your parents are going to be home soon. They’re on their way.”

“O...kay?” Thomas said, wondering what had caused this panic she was apparently in. 

“I’m… they fired me, Thomas.”

It was like his heart had been plunged into a bucket of ice. He felt numb. The one person that made his home bearable; who knew what he needed. Thomas felt anxiety rising in him; a sensation he was not used to. Normally his trigger reaction to emotional situations was anger, but this was pure, unadulterated panic.

“W-why?” Thomas choked out above the ringing in his ears.

“They… talked to me about you and Alex. I said I knew about you two, and… that was it,” her voice now sounded calm compared to the raging storm inside Thomas’ head.

It was his fault. His parents must have assumed that she’d known for a long time. And had been lying to them. Thomas couldn’t breathe. “Althea, I’m so sorry,” he muttered, his voice breaking. 

“I just… I thought you should know.”

“Right,” Thomas whispered. He still couldn’t seem to catch his breath. 

“We can… still see each other. You can… you can make it through.”

“Okay,” Thomas choked out, his chest now on fire. 

“I… I have to go… but you’ll be okay,” Althea said softly.

Thomas nodded though he knew she couldn’t see him. The phone went dead and he curled himself down, putting his head between his knees. He knew Alex would tell him to open up; would comfort him. He wanted to talk to his soulmate, but he didn’t want to ruin anything. They were supposed to go on a date the next day; Alex might be too freaked out if he knew. 

These were not calming thoughts. Thomas tried to clear his mind, sucking deep breaths through his nose. Once oxygen was in his brain, if only a little bit, the answer came clearly to him. He pounded up the stairs, nearly tripping over his feet in his haste. 

He went to his dresser drawer and pulled out his little stuffed mockingbird, Dick. He hugged it tightly, letting its comforting presence wash over him. Althea had bought the bird for him years ago; a comfort object for times of anger or depression. Thomas took a shuddering breath. Now Althea was gone. 

Having calmed down slightly, Thomas stood. His parents would be home soon. They would be angry at him for telling Althea and not them. They’d be angry in general. But he wouldn’t have the promise of Althea returning to console him afterwards. 

Thomas made his mind up quickly and began throwing his belongings into his backpack, including Dick, and heading downstairs. He grabbed the book sitting by the front door and slipped out of the quiet house. The streets were packed with young children, doting parents, drunk party-goers. Their merriment caused Thomas’ anger to swell, his hands beginning to shake. At least he knew how to deal with this. 

Every passing car caused him to duck his head in worry; praying that it wouldn’t be his parents driving home. Hoping that they wouldn’t spot him, stop the car, yell at him. He knew he was already digging his own grave by sneaking out, but he truly couldn’t stand to remain in the house any longer. 

After a fifteen minute walk, he finally came to his destination. A familiar semi-detached house with a postage stamp of a lawn and a modest garden. He walked up the stone path, feeling his apprehension grow. He shouldn’t be here. He should go to Alex.

But he continued forward, raising his fist to knock on the door. 

James opened it moments later, surprise writing itself over his face as he realized who was standing there. “Thomas, what -?”

“I’m sorry. Really. I know I was a dick to everyone, and I said shit I didn’t mean, and I… lied to you. A lot. And I really, truly do want to make up for all of that, but right now…” Thomas stopped to catch his breath which, again, seemed to be escaping him. When he spoke again, his voice was tremoring. “Althea just got fired, and… I had to leave.”

“Jesus,” James muttered, stepping to the side and gesturing for his friend to enter. Thomas walked past him into the familiar setting. 

“Do you want to stay over?” Jemmy asked in a quiet voice. 

“You… you don’t have to put me up, I just… you were the first person I thought of.”

A tiny smile tugged at Jemmy’s lips. “Of course you can stay… My mom’ll be happy to see you.”

“Oh, I… uh, I was reading Moby Dick,” Thomas smiled. 

James seemed pleased. “Are you liking it?”

“Yeah, uh… it’s… good,” he said lamely. Jemmy smirked, and Thomas lapsed back into silence. 

“You know… we’re good. Okay?” James said after a moment. 

“What?”

“We’re good. You don’t need to… read shit you don’t want to or anything,” James laughed.

“I just -”

“I still want to be your friend,” James said awkwardly. “If you do.”

Thomas nodded in relief and James punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“You hungry?” he asked casually, and Thomas relaxed into their normal dynamic, happy to have his friend back. The worry and anxiety would have to wait. 

 

* * *

 

 

Thomas and James arrived at school together the next morning, a little tired due to the signature light sleep of one who partook in a sleepover. He’d ignored seven calls from his parents while in the comfort of Jemmy’s warm home. Now he wanted to see Alex. He didn’t want to tell him anything until after their date, but he wanted to be near him. No matter how familiar being around James was, Alex was completely calming. 

He spotted his boyfriend across the field and looked over at James. “D’you mind if I…?”

“He’s your soulmate,” James shrugged, and Thomas left his friend’s side, going over to Alex’s bench. 

The small teen jumped up and hugged Thomas. He immediately felt happiness wash over him, and he hugged back tightly, desperate to hold onto this warmth. His boyfriend felt thin; fragile in his arms. He wasn’t eating enough. Pushing aside his own problems, Thomas leaned back and looked at his soulmate with worry. 

“Did you eat breakfast this morning?”

Alex nodded without hesitation. “Some toast. Why?”

“I’m worried about you,” Thomas frowned, kissing his boyfriend gently.

“I’m fine,” Alex laughed, taking his boyfriend’s hand. “Seriously. My health always rights itself. I’m healthy as hell.”

“Sure,” Thomas said, still unconvinced. They sat down together, and Thomas tried to think of a lighter topic. “You excited for our date tonight?”

Alex’s face shone as he nodded. “Really excited,” he grinned. “Where are you taking me?”

Thomas laughed. “Can’t tell you that.”

The rest of the group arrived, and it was a very packed table. James joined them after a few minutes, and he was easily fit into the conversation. Thomas remained quiet, grateful for the noise around him. It cut out the thoughts in his head. It did not, however, cut out the insistent buzzing of his phone against his leg. His parents. 

He wondered where he would go tonight. He couldn’t stay away from his home forever. But why not? The one good thing about his homelife had now been removed. Would he just have to live out the rest of his high school experience living in fear? In anger?

His hand being gently squeezed brought him back to reality, and he forced a smile for his boyfriend. He would tell him after the date. After the date. But what would he tell him? That Althea was gone? That he couldn’t stay in his home? But where would he go?

“Someone’s trying to call you,” Alex laughed gently. It sounded to Thomas as though Alex were above the surface of water in which he himself was drowning. The voice muffled, other-wordly. Distant. 

Thomas found it in himself to shrug. “It’s not important,” he lied. 

Thomas suffered through his classes, leaving his phone in his locker all day; walking as if dazed through his life. Alex noticed something was wrong, but didn’t mention it, only took his boyfriend’s hand whenever he could. 

At the end of the day, Thomas tried to pull himself together. He was taking his boyfriend out. He couldn’t be distracted. He approached the small teen, packing away his books at his locker. He hugged him from behind, pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

“You ready for our date?” Thomas asked gently, moving to lean against the lockers while keeping a hand on his soulmate’s hip.

Alex couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his lips and coloured his face. “Yep. What’re we doing?”

Thomas laughed. “Fine, surprise over. We’re going out for dinner. Someplace nice.”

Alex grinned. “Doesn’t have to be nice.”

“It’s our first date. It should be,” Thomas smiled.

“But should I change?” Alex asked, self-consciously tugging at his loose clothing. Thomas leaned in to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s temple.

“You look perfect, darling,” he muttered, and Alex pulled him into a hug to hide his bright red face.

Thomas caught his hand as they left the school. Thomas’ eyes seemed a little distant, but he maintained a chipper attitude as they walked. And they walked far. The buildings began to get larger, more ornate… Alex wasn’t used to being in this part of town. He and his father were more the “take-out from wherever’s cheapest” kind of people.

“Here we are,” Thomas said as they stopped by an old, beautiful looking restaurant. Alex’s eyes widened as he peered through the large, crown moulded window. He saw candlelit tables, cocktail dresses, suit jackets… His heartrate picked up.

“Thomas, I –” Alex stuttered, feeling the air leave him slightly.

“Alex,” Thomas muttered softly. “Wrong place.”

Alex stared at him in surprise and followed his hand gesture to see a more reasonable looking Greek restaurant next door. Alex sighed in relief.

“That looks nice,” he smiled, trying to regain his regular breathing.

Thomas shot him a small smile and tugged him toward the door. He spoke quickly to the maître-d’ as Alex hid behind him nervously. They were led into the restaurant and given a table for two in the middle of the floor.

“Actually, could we get something a bit more peripheral, please?” Thomas asked as politely as he could, and the maître d’ nodded, much to Alex’s relief. They were given a table near the back, further away from prying eyes. They took a seat and Thomas began perusing the menu immediately.

Alex watched him for a few seconds before deciding to say what was on his mind.

“I love you,” he said softly; barely letting out a sound in his insecurity.

Thomas heard it, however, and looked up at his soulmate with a confused smile. “What makes you say that?” he asked before quickly clarifying. “I mean, I love you too, of course, but what makes you say it now?”

Alex smiled shyly. “You’re just… I don’t have to tell you things. You know them.”

Thomas smiled at him and took his hand on top of the table. When someone at a nearby table began to stare at them, Alex quickly retracted his hand, shifting uncomfortably. He picked up his menu for something to do.

The waiter came by to take their orders, and Thomas ordered smoothly, adding polite or witty comments, and smiling. Alex was immediately intimidated.

Abandoning his planned order, he muttered, “The same for me, thanks.”

Thomas shot him a strange look, having discussed their orders before. He turned back to the waiter who was getting ready to leave. “Um, actually, on second thought, can I get the falafels? Tahini on the side?”

The waiter nodded with a smile, taking their menus and leaving.

“Thanks,” Alex smiled gratefully, having really wanted those falafels.

“Of course,” Thomas replied lightly, and moved on quickly, beginning to discuss the events of the day. Their conversation came easily; quelling another anxiety Alexander had had for the date. 

When their food arrived, they surreptitiously switched plates. Alex gave Thomas an apologetic smile, but the latter continued on with what he was saying, nodding at him with a small smile.

After a moment, Thomas changed the subject. “So you and John are…?”

Alexander smiled. “We’re good, now. I apologized, he apologized… we’re just gonna go back to normal. Or, as normal as we can get, I guess.”

Thomas half-smiled. “But… do you…?”

The end to the question hung heavily in the air. Alex bit his lip. “I mean… the feelings aren’t gone.”

“Right.”

“But T... Thomas, they don’t even compare to how I feel for you,” Alex assured his boyfriend, leaning forward. Thomas glanced up, his eyes unsure, but once they met Alex’s he relaxed. 

“Are you sure?” he asked quietly.

“There’s no competition,” Alex nodded with finality, and Thomas grinned up at him, his cheeks flushing slightly. He turned his eyes back to his food, trying to hide his smile bashfully, before Alex changed the subject to Angelica and whether or not she actually had the power to break them up. 

They ate, talked, and laughed uninterrupted for a few minutes before Thomas’ phone began to buzz in his pocket.

“Do you want to get that?” Alex asked after Thomas had silenced it. Thomas only shook his head and continued speaking. Moments later, though, it began to vibrate again, and Thomas’ face fell; looking almost nauseous.

“Is that the same person who was calling you this morning?” Alex asked softly, his eyes full of worry. 

Thomas felt guilt twist at him. The last thing he wanted was for Alex to worry. He nodded briskly. 

“T, you should answer it,” Alex muttered softly.

Thomas bit his lip nervously but nodded again, bringing the phone up to his ear.

“Hi dad…” he mumbled, and Alex’s face dropped in shock, immediately taking Thomas’ hand again, homophobic observers be damned. Though he was unable to hear the words, he could hear clearly that the voice on the other end was shouting. Angrily. Horrifically. 

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry… Yes. Yeah…” Thomas’ voice dropped as low as he could make it. “No, it’s not him… no. We broke up dad, you were there…” Thomas’ eyes were trained on the table and he pulled his hand back, leaving Alex’s empty and cold.

“I know…” Thomas muttered, biting his lip. His free hand curled into a fist. “No, I’m not, dad. I swear I’m not.”

Alex watched with wide eyes as Thomas denied what his father was saying. He could only make out snippets of what his soulmate’s father was saying;  _ coward, gay, faggot…  _ He felt tears burn his own eyes, anger and empathy biting at him.

“I’ll be home soon,” Thomas said quietly. “Yeah. Bye.”

He hung up and brought his fists to his temple for a moment, letting out a long breath. Alex began to ask if he was okay, but bit back his words, trying a different approach.

“Do you want to leave?” Alex asked, touching Thomas’ arm. His soulmate looked pensive for a moment before nodding his head and waving the waiter over. They got the check, paid, and left, Thomas remaining quiet.

Evening had fallen while they were in the restaurant. The sky was dark and there were very few stars in sight. Alex shivered in the cold air and Thomas snapped to attention, pulling Alex into a hug, rubbing his arms to warm him.

Alex stood on his tiptoes to kiss Thomas lightly on the lips, and the taller boy’s face softened slightly.

“If I don’t say anything…” Thomas began in a low voice, casting his gaze toward the pavement. “I just don’t want to get mad at you, okay? You… haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I understand,” Alex nodded, taking his soulmate’s hand gently and tugging him in the direction of home.

As warned, Thomas was very quiet on the walk back, staring down at the ground, his brow slightly furrowed. Alex continued to hold his hand and would sometimes rub his arm reassuringly. Thomas would always smile at him, but never say anything.

“You look like you’re thinking about something,” Alex said softly as they entered Thomas’ neighbourhood.

Thomas bit his lip and shrugged, but squeezed Alex’s hand tighter. Alex got the message and continued to walk with his boyfriend in silence. The quiet night seemed to envelop them, protect them. Alex looked up. A few more stars were visible now that the light pollution had lessened.

As they approached Thomas’ street, his footsteps slowed. Alex stopped walking and turned Thomas to face him.

“Thomas. I don’t care if you get mad at me… just talk to me,” Alex said softly, looking up at his boyfriend with wide eyes. To his surprise, Thomas’ filled with tears.

“Alex… I can’t…”

“Yes, you can talk to me,” Alex said sincerely. “Please. That’s the only way this’ll work.”

“No…” Thomas said with a shake of his head, his brow furrowing. “I can’t... live there anymore.”

“Oh,” Alex breathed, taking a step back. “What do you –?”

“I think… I mean, I know… I have to leave this house,” Thomas replied at a slightly louder volume.

“Um, but… where would you go?” Alex asked, fear beginning to claw at him. What was Thomas insinuating? Why did he seem so upset? “My apartment is too small…”

“I could live with my grandparents…” Thomas muttered, still staring at the ground.

Alex smiled in relief. “Okay, that’s not so –”

“… In Virginia.”

“ – bad.”


	25. Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE YOU GO FUCKERS... thanks for the wild ride :')

Alex woke with a start, breathing heavily. His dream - the same dream that had plagued him for weeks - began to slip away the harder he tried to grasp at it. Something about the sky. His mother. Thomas. Alex pushed back the hair that was falling over his forehead, trying to regain a normal breathing pattern. In. Out. 

He dropped his hands to his lap, shutting his eyes tightly. Upon opening them, he found Thomas’ writing on his arm, inked in a sparkly gel pen. 

_ Happy birthday, darling.  _

Alex grinned, a little blush appearing in his cheeks. His frantic thoughts about his dream faded to the background as he traced Thomas’ words with his fingers. He opened the drawer in his nightstand, pulling out a pen. 

_ Thank you, T.  _

After a short moment, Alex continued;  _ I love you.  _

Spurred by his soulmate’s note, Alex pushed himself out of bed. He quickly pulled on a thick sweater and some jeans. They fit snugly; he’d gained some weight back since October. While glad he was eating more regularly, Alex couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious. 

He went to tie back his hair and remembered that it was now cropped short. He glanced at himself in the mirror. His eyes looked tired but his face looked full, having lost the hollow appearance it had held only months prior. 

With a sigh, Alex began to take his pills. He washed them down with water and a grimace. He left his room, then, having nothing else to procrastinate with. 

“Morning Alex!” George grinned over his paper at his son. “Happy birthday!”

Alex gave his dad a forced smile. “Thanks,” he said, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. 

His dad looked at him with slight concern before his eyes flicked down to the sparkling message on his son’s forearm. 

“Thomas must have woken up early this morning,” he smiled, bringing his mug to his lips. 

A shy blush rose in Alexander’s cheeks as he sat himself across from his father at the table. 

“Are you gonna call him today?” George asked, and his son nodded. 

“Skype, I think…” 

Not wanting to continue the conversation further, Alex extended an arm to his father who laughingly pulled the crossword away from his paper and dropped it into his son’s expectant hand. 

They finished their breakfasts in silence; the only sounds were those of a pencil scratching against newsprint. Once he was done the crossword, Alex brushed his teeth and started packing for school. Thomas had cheered him up, but his chest felt heavy that day; his stomach slightly queasy. He wished he hadn't eaten. 

He threw on his winter coat and boots, and with a wave to his father, left the apartment, quickly hopping down the stairs and out onto the street; into the freezing January air. As he walked, his feet crunched on the snow, his breath puffed out from his mouth and all exposed skin began to burn with cold. He kept his face turned down toward the pavement, wanting to expose himself to the wicked wind as little as possible. 

Luckily, he soon arrived at school and made his way over to their picnic bench. He brought his eyes up from the ground to see John on top of the table, holding Aaron’s hand, and Laf and Herc sitting close on the other side of the bench. Their hands, too, were entwined, but, as always, out of sight beneath the table. 

Alex plopped himself next to Aaron, and everyone grinned over at him, each greeting him with a cheery “Happy Birthday!”

“Thanks guys,” Alex forced a smile and tried to keep himself from shivering in the cold. He was unsuccessful. 

“ _ Chou!  _ You are shaking!” Laf cried, opening his arms wide. Alex switched benches to be enveloped by Laf’s warm embrace. He was thankful for his friend, but there were other arms he would much rather be in…

“It's cold as balls,” Herc laughed, patting his small friend’s head comfortingly. When Alex’s shivers didn't cease, Hercules muttered, “Fuck it,” and reached into his bag. 

“I was gonna give this to you later, but you look freezing,” he laughed, passing Alex a squishy package with a bow on top. 

Grinning through his uncontrollable shaking, Alex took the package and unwrapped it to find a set of beautifully knit mittens, a scarf, and a beanie, all in a matching indigo. A lump inexplicably rose in Alex’s threat. Embarrassed, he just looked up at his friend and nodded his thanks. 

Herc, seeing his friend’s glassy eyes, smiled back at him. “Happy birthday, dude.”

Alex hurriedly put on his new presents, their warm knit wool calming his shivers slightly.

“So what's happening for your birthday?” John asked. “Like do you want a party?” 

Alex shook his head vigorously. “No. No parties… just hanging out is fine.”

“Wanna come over to our place?” Aaron asked, gesturing to John and himself. 

“Our place?” John asked quietly, his cheeks flushing.  

“Come on, John, you've lived there for weeks. Everyone knows,” Herc said, rolling his eyes. 

Aaron laughed lightly at his boyfriend’s embarrassed face, squeezing his hand. Alex felt his throat tighten. He wished he had a bigger house. More money. Then Thomas could live with him. Tears again threatened to form, but Alex suppressed the urge nervously. His heart rate was starting to pick up rather disconcertingly. 

“But do you, Alex?” Aaron asked. “Want to come over, I mean?”

“Um…” Alex hummed distractedly, trying surreptitiously to calm his breathing. 

He felt Laf’s hand on his back, rubbing a gentle rhythm through his coat. Alex closed his eyes to steady himself. 

“I’ll have to ask my dad if I can hang out…” Alex said. 

“Sure,” Aaron smiled at him. Alex tried to return the look, but could only nod. 

Thankfully, the bell rang, and they all got up, filing into the school with sighs of relief as the warmth enveloped them. Alex walked quickly to his French class, taking a seat next to Eliza. He pulled out his notebook and pen, feeling a little calmer now that the cold wasn't violently shaking his small frame. 

Once the bell rang again, their teacher began to welcome them. And then she said the words that Alex was dreading the most. 

“Now someone here has a birthday today! How about we all give a nice happy birthday to Alex!” she announced cheerily. 

To Alex’s horror, all attention turned to him as his classmates began to sing for him. He heard a snicker from somewhere in the class. Alex’s panic stirred heavily in his chest, and he tried to suck some air into his lungs. 

When the song ended, he shot his hand into the air and asked to use the washroom, barely listening to the answer before all but sprinting out of the room. He staggered only a few metres before collapsing against the wall and shrinking to the ground. He started to take deep breaths. He could get through this on his own. He’d learned how. He put his head between his knees, breathing deeply, trying to summon his mother’s voice; hear her whispered words of comfort. He suddenly felt a warm hand on his arm. His heart leapt. His mother? No, of course not. 

He looked up blearily into Eliza’s kind face. She gathered his small body into a hug, stroking his cropped hair to soothe him. 

“Shh,” she whispered as a gasp rattled his body. “Just breathe.”

He did his best to follow her instructions, but felt shame alight his cheeks. 

“You don't have to stay…” Alex muttered through heavy breaths. 

“Don't be silly,” she murmured back, maintaining a smooth rhythm on his back. After a few minutes, the panic began to subside and Alex pulled out of her embrace, eyes trained on the floor. 

“What can I do?” she asked gently, looking up at him with wide, concerned eyes. 

Alex shook his head. “You’ve already done a ton…”

“Was it all the attention?” she asked softly. 

Alex bit his lip. “I guess partly… but… I miss Thomas.”

Eliza nodded, patting his knee. “I know you do, but… you'll see him soon, right?”

Alex shrugged. “I don't know… he's so far away.”

“Virginia isn't  _ that  _ far,” she assured him soothingly. 

“It’s far enough…” Alex muttered, a slight venom entering his tone. “Sorry… I’m just…”

“I understand,” she smiled. “If Maria moved away I don't know what I’d do…”

Alex nodded, still looking down. “We should go back inside…” he mumbled and Eliza nodded, taking his hand and standing. She pulled him back toward the classroom. He trotted along reluctantly, trying to tamp down his remaining anxiety. 

The rest of the morning dragged by, Alex in a constant struggle to keep afloat above his anxiety. His stomach was tight and he remained in a sour mood, unable to pay attention in any of his classes. He wanted to talk to Thomas, write to him… but he didn't want to be a bother; he wanted to be strong. 

When lunch came, Alex dragged himself out to the picnic bench, plopping down heavily. Herc was the first to arrive after Alex, and, immediately realizing something was wrong, pulled him into a warm hug. 

Alex smiled despite himself. No one could be sad when wrapped in a Herc hug. His smile faded, however, when he thought of the person he'd much rather be hugging.

“Doin’ okay, bud?” Herc asked, and Alex nodded, feeling his cheek rub against his friend’s coat. He pulled out of the hug as Laf joined them, sitting himself on Alex’s other side. 

Alex looked up subtly to see the silent conversation his friends were having. Laf looked concerned; ready to jump into action. Herc touched his hand gently, giving it a small squeeze. Laf seemed to relax, and started talking easily. 

As soon as Laf started complaining about the drama that was going on in his theatre class, Alex felt himself calm down. He was among friends; he didn't need to have any attention on him. 

When Aaron and John joined them, Alex could completely relax. The conversation carried on easily without him, so he sat in silence, staring down at his folded hands. 

“ _ Tu devrais manger, chou _ ,” he heard Laf mutter under his breath about halfway through their lunch. 

Alex nodded, but only poked at his food moodily. Laf’s hand began to rub his back gently and he leaned gratefully into the touch. If Thomas was there, he could eat; if Thomas was there, he could relax… Alex shook his head. Thomas wasn’t there.

Eventually, the bell rang again, and Alex dragged himself to class. The afternoon felt even longer than his morning. As soon as he'd left his friends, his anxiety increased tenfold, digging into his stomach and chest. 

By the end of the day, he was almost dreading going over to John’s place. He wanted to go home, curl up under some blankets, and have a long conversation with Thomas. Despite this, he showed up at John’s locker at the final bell, attempting to make light conversation with him and Aaron. 

Once Laf and Herc showed up, they all headed out together, laughing about their day at school while Alex receded into silence. 

He had, in general, been doing well since Thomas left, but in the last few weeks he'd been having horrible, nagging dreams that Thomas would abandon him… would learn to hate him again. He squashed the rising panic to the best of his ability, trying to focus on the fact that, once alone tonight, he could call Thomas and they could talk as long as they wanted…

Their group left the school, the rays of sunlight dazzlingly bouncing off the sparkling snow. Alex averted his eyes from the brilliant white field and to the concrete path beneath them. 

“Oh my God…” he heard Aaron breathe beside him, and Alex glanced up. His heart stopped. 

Unthinkingly, he was running forward, shedding his backpack onto the pavement as he picked up speed, surging forward as he crashed into his soulmate, jumping up and clinging to him like a koala.

“Happy birthday, darlin’,” Thomas muttered, holding Alex tightly. Alex laughed giddily; his soulmate’s accent had grown stronger from his time in Virginia. Its sound made his heart soar.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked, pulling his head back to stare up at his soulmate with wide, streaming eyes. 

“I missed you,” Thomas smiled shyly. 

Alex grinned from ear to ear and planted a firm kiss on his boyfriend’s lips before nestling his head back into his soulmate’s shoulder. 

“You’re missing school…” Alex chastised in a muffled voice. 

“Not nearly as important as you,” Thomas replied. 

Alex dropped out of his soulmate’s arms as the rest of their gang came running up, Aaron pulling Thomas into a hug and Laf ruffling Alex’s hair kindly. 

“Should we go, then?” Herc grinned. 

Alex took Thomas’ hand and nodded with a shrug. All he really wanted to do was go back to his apartment and cuddle with Thomas, catch up…

“Perhaps we can celebrate Alex’s birthday another time…” Laf said, giving Alex a knowing smile. 

“Yeah, y'all have some catching up to do,” John grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Alex blushed, and Thomas squeezed his hand lightly. 

“I guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow, then?” Alex asked and they all nodded. Herc cuffed him on the head affectionately and Laf pulled him into a hug. 

“I am so happy for you,” he murmured, tightening his hug. Alex smiled up at his friend. 

“Thanks mom,” he replied with a laugh. An elated and proud look filled Laf’s face as he pulled Alex in for another quick hug. 

“Have fun, dude,” John grinned at him, and they smiled at each other, not going for a hug as they would have done mere months ago, but still nodding to one another warmly. Alex gave Aaron a little wave and took his soulmate’s hand again, leading him away from the schoolyard. 

“Were you okay today?” Thomas asked once they were away from their friends. “My pen ran out on the plane… I really wanted to talk to you.”

Alex shrugged. “I’m okay now… Better than okay.”

Thomas, reading between the lines, wrapped his long arm around his soulmate’s small shoulders and kissed his head. 

“I miss your long hair,” he muttered, watching Alex brush away at his bangs. 

“Me too…” Alex laughed. “But… I feel like it was time, you know?”

“Not really,” Thomas grinned. “But whatever you want to do, I guess…”

“I guess I wanted to start a new chapter. One where I’m not sad about where I came from…” Alex said softly. 

“And your mom…”

“She always wanted me to keep it long, yeah,” Alex shrugged. 

“Well, it looks good,” Thomas grinned, tousling it gently. 

Alex blushed lightly, nudging his soulmate’s shoulder with his head. “Thank you.”

They continued to talk, catching up on whatever they hadn't discussed in their frequent phone calls. Before long, they'd arrived at Alex’s apartment, and they ran up the stairs excitedly. 

Alex charged through the door and dragged Thomas in after him. 

“My dad won't be home for a few hours…” he muttered. 

“He knows I’m coming,” Thomas said shyly. 

“What?! I can't believe he didn't tell me!” Alex gasped. 

“I made him promise he wouldn't…” Thomas laughed, pulling Alex in close to him and leaning down, pressing his lips gently to his boyfriend’s. 

“It was a pretty good surprise…” Alex replied grudgingly, leaning his head against his soulmate’s firm chest. 

“Do you want your present now?” Thomas asked with a sneaky grin. 

“Yes!” Alex cheered, and Thomas led him to the couch, taking off his backpack and reaching into it. He passed Alex a rectangular package, grinning. 

Alex tore at the paper eagerly. 

“Oh, you asshole,” he laughed, pulling out a set of 100 sparkling gel pens. 

Thomas chortled happily, but reached into his backpack again. 

“That’s just the first part…” he said in a more serious tone, handing over an envelope. 

Alex looked up at his soulmate curiously; Thomas’ face looked nervous and his hands were shaking slightly. Alex, feeling some anxiety rise in him, carefully opened the envelope, his own fingers beginning to quiver. 

His jaw dropped open as he pulled out two pieces of thick, glossy paper. 

“Are these…?”

“Airplane tickets,” Thomas nodded with an anxious smile. “To Nevis.”

“Thomas I-”

“There are two in there, round trip of course,” Thomas said in a rush. “One for you and one for…”

“You,” Alex breathed. 

“Or your dad, I mean… that's probably best…”

“For you,” Alex said with more surety, smiling up at his soulmate with wet eyes. “I don't even know what to say…”

“If you don't want to go…” Thomas said, still backtracking nervously. 

“Thomas. I’m going home,” Alex said, his grin spreading. “You’re gonna take me home!”

Thomas grinned back, his eyes beginning to sparkle as well. “I wasn't sure…”

“Thomas, this is the best gift anyone has ever given me,” Alex said gleefully, tears beginning to drip down his cheeks. “I can show you the stars…”

Alex pulled himself into Thomas’ lap, locking their lips together and twisting his fingers through his soulmate's curly hair. 

Thomas’ hand roamed along Alex’s side, slipping down into his back pocket, and pulling him closer. Alex deepened the kiss, letting one hand freely explore the planes of Thomas’ chest, and tightening the other in his boyfriend’s hair. 

Thomas’s fingers found the newly developed softness on his soulmate’s side and smiled. Alex blushed nervously, pulling back slightly. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Thomas grinned, pressing their lips together again, bringing up a hand to cup Alex’s chin and keep their faces firmly against one another’s. 

Suddenly, the front door opened and the two boys leapt apart. Alex fell unceremoniously from his boyfriend’s lap, attempting to arrange himself in a casual sitting position on the couch as his father walked through to the living room. 

“Thomas! You made it alright?” George asked, cocking an eyebrow at the boys’ dishevelled appearance, but electing to move past it. 

“Yes sir,” Thomas nodded nervously, trying to calm his teased hair. 

“I’m glad,” George said, hiding his laugh until he left the room. 

“Should we go to my bedroom?” Alex asked quietly, and Thomas eagerly nodded, taking his soulmate's hand and leading the way. 

 

* * *

 

Four days passed in a blur. Before anyone knew it, Sunday had arrived, and thus Thomas’ return flight to Virginia. George drove his son and Thomas to JFK airport that afternoon. It was a cold and wet day, the slush on the roads flying around as their tires spun through it. 

Alex was very quiet, biting his lip to hold in his tears. Thomas was holding his hand on the seat, rubbing the skin softly with the pad of his thumb, sparing sad glances at his soulmate. 

Alex stared out the window, feeling anxiety and sadness well up inside him. Their flight to Nevis was scheduled for their spring break, so Alex knew it would only be a matter of months before he saw his soulmate again. But it was a matter of  _ months.  _

Alex tried to focus on each road sign they passed, letting his eyes be dragged backward until the sign eventually disappeared behind them. It was suddenly difficult to breathe. Alex gnawed harder on his lip, trying to take long breaths through his nose. 

Thomas glanced over at him nervously and squeezed his hand. Alex looked back at his soulmate briefly, unable to maintain his gaze for fear that he would break down. The visit had been perfect; they did nothing but cuddle up, watch movies; Thomas drew Alex some pictures to put up on his wall…

Alex’s heart felt compressed. He closed his eyes and continued to suck in calming breaths. Thomas’ presence soothed him, but he knew that soon, he'd be alone again…

The car slowed to a halt in front of JFK’s main entrance. Alex’s heart hammered against his chest. 

“I’ll wait in the parking lot for you, Alex,” George said softly. 

Thomas and Alex got out of the car, the latter quivering slightly, dizziness muddling his mind. He stepped around the car and Thomas took his hand. They walked into the airport and checked in, and went to the security gate. This was as far as Alex could go. 

Alex looked at his soulmate helplessly, not knowing what to say. Wordlessly, Thomas pulled him into a warm, tight hug, running his fingers through the short teen’s cropped hair. 

“I love you, A,” Thomas muttered, pulling back to kiss his soulmate’s forehead. Alex clung to him desperately, anxiety and sadness stealing his air. 

“Please don't go…” Alex murmured, and the floodgates opened, his tears pouring forth and soaking Thomas’ sweater. 

“Hey, hey, hey...” Thomas muttered soothingly, his own words choked with emotion. “We’ll see each other soon.”

“What if we don't?” Alex sobbed, tightening his hold. “What if you go and don't come back?”

“Alex, I’ll always come back to you…” Thomas whispered, tipping his soulmate’s face back and pressing a gentle kiss on his parted lips. 

“How do you know?” Alex asked quietly, attempting to swipe away his tears. 

Thomas brushed the wetness away with a stroke of his thumb. 

“Alex… we’re meant to be,” he murmured, kissing him again. 

He gathered the small teen into a warm hug and kissed his head once more, pulling away. He straightened his backpack and began to move toward the security gate. Alex watched him go, tears relentlessly pouring down his face. 

Only after Thomas had disappeared from sight for a full minute did Alex turn to leave, his knees weak and his eyes streaming. With a pang, he realized what he'd been too distraught to say, and frantically searched for a pen. 

_ I love you Thomas,  _ he wrote clearly on his arm, chewing on his lip as the tears continued to pour. 

As he stared intensely at his arm, a bold line appeared, then another, and another… before long a perfect star shone clearly on his arm, the sparkling gel brightening up his skin. 

Feeling the tension around his heart lessen, Alex left the airport without looking back. 

**Author's Note:**

> find me (aka come scream at me) on tumblr @guns-and-squips  
> thank you to @limpblotter, @canyoubemyfour and @falling-open for beta-ing <3


End file.
